This looks familiar, I wonder where I’ve seen this before

David had had a very stressful morning of doing his groceries, paying his bills, waiting for the plumber to sort his blocked sink, trying to catch up on the laundry AND writing new songs for the band. The last thing he needed was for Steve to be whinging about how bored and hungry he is and how oh my God why couldn’t you get here any sooner Dave we’ve been waiting all day Jesus Christ as soon as he walked through the studio door.

Rob sensed the tension as soon as David skulked past. He knew trouble was brewing, and fast too. He locked eyes with Mick from across the room. Rob nodded at Mick. Mick nodded at Rob. Richard frantically shook his head and mouthed “no!” at his two friends, for he was very keen to avoid getting caught in the crossfire or getting kicked out of the studio.

“Well, what fucking took you so long?!” Steve demanded of Dave. “I fucking told you, Steve, I had errands to run and shit to sort out at home,” dave shot back hotly. “Why couldn’t you tell us last night? We’ve been waaaaaaaaaiting!” Steve whined.

“I did tell you last night- what are you, dumb or just incapable of remembering anything that doesn’t concern your stomach?” Dave shot back. “What the fuck are you talking about?!” Steve cried as he was stuffing his face with gingernuts, “You never said anything about being busy all morning when we clocked off last night?!” he continued, before guzzling about a pint of tea to soften up the gingernuts.

“God, Steve, stop being such a disgusting pig! If I’d had known you were going to eat like that I’d never have come in the first place!” Dave screamed.

“I’m fucking hungry you twat! I’ve been fucking drumming all morning to practice while waiting for you to show up!” Steve wailed. Mick nodded at Rob. It was finally time to put their plan into action. Richard made puppy eyes in a desperate bid to stop the havoc that was to unfold, but it was no use. The course had been set and there was no stopping this bitch train.

“Wow, Dave, you’ve taught Steve how to be a whiney little bitch and Diva! Well done!” Mick goaded Dave. Dave shot a look at Mick, opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Rob. “You know he told us when you last had a family dinner with your parents he saw you gushing over a hoseiry catalogue with your sister!” Rob baselessly but accurately accused. “I- what- no- STEVE!!” Dave spluttered before lunging at his younger brother.

“Oh god no”, Rich whimpered as he pulled Steve out of Dave’s reach just in time.

Dave faceplanted on the carpet where Steve had been standing, picked himself up, angrily fixed his bowtie and shot at his brother: “yeah, well, at least I can get a girl to date me- let alone get in bed with me!!” The colour drained from Richard’s face, this was one sure fire way to really wind up Steve. Mick and Rob simply hooted at the scandalous outburst on Dave’s part.

“ooooh, Steve, he’s insulting your virility and manhood- you should punch him in the gut and kick him in the balls to prove you manliness!” Mick unhelpfully suggested. “Oh he won’t do it,” Dave shot coldly at Mick, “You know he’s got not backbone in him at all- probably why he’s still-” Dave was cut off when Steve suddenly lunged at Dave, threw him to the floor and punched him in the head. “Steve! No! It’s not worth it! He isn’t worth it!” Richard pleaded. It seemed to resonate a bit, as Steve sort of stopped for a second and considered what he was doing.

“Oh, Dave, you see that- Steve doesn’t think you’re worth the effort!” Rob unhelpfully quipped, a gleeful grin spreading across his face as Dave bitch slapped Steve and called him a “limp dicked tosser”.

“Dave!” Richard shot “he’s your little brother!” “Yeah and he needs to be taught some manners!” Dave screamed before Steve dumbed a pitcher of cold water down Dave’s front. “THAT. WAS. MY. FAVOURITE. SHIRT.” Dave punctuated as he threw gingernuts at his brother- aiming for the nose but some how missing every shot. “Steve, wouldn’t you say Dave’s aim is useless?” Rob asked. “Oh, you should have seen the toilet floor after he was in there. He wouldn’t be able to piss up the left side of a stable door if it were right in front of him- he’d piss up everything but the door- all thanks to his tiny cock!” Steve ranted. “I do NOT have terrible aim and I certainly do NOT have a tiny knob!” David sobbed. “Oh nice one guys, you’ve actually managed to upset him” Richard remarked coldly while trying to console a distraught Dave.

“Eh, he’ll be fine,” Mick commented “......once we get him some penis enlarging pills!” he rushed out as he and Rob dissolved in a giggle fit, all while narrowly dodging the teapot that Dave hurtled in their general direction. Steve quietly surveyed his brother through his floppy lil fringe. “Oh my God, you are such an embarrassment,” he remarked coldly at his brother before turning on his heal, storming out, making it half way down the hall, realising he forgot his coat, returning for said coat, giving Dave the finger as he took his coat and then finally leaving again, fuming that his dramatic exit had been foiled like that.

“He’s so mean to me!” David whimpered to Rich as he huddled up on the floor. “yeah I know mate, I know, but you were awful to him too,” Richard replied.