#miabun

Ah, I’m sorry I forgot, the ask about being mad at problems, could you tag it as miabun? Thank you so much. 

Hey anon,

What you’re feeling is absolutely normal. It’s something called caregiver fatigue or burnout, and it’s a major problem for those of us in caring professions or other roles where we take care of people. I work as a peer support specialist, and I’ve had the exact experience you describe. It can feel like you’re doing the same thing over and over again, and if people aren’t doing anything differently, or are getting in the same situations repeatedly, you can feel like you’ve failed at helping, or as if there’s no point in continuing to try if people aren’t taking your advice.

First of all, let me first assure you that having these feelings does not make you a bad person. It’s a well-studied phenomenon, and anyone who works as a caregiver can tell you that you aren’t alone. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care, or that you’re a bad person, it just means that you’re experiencing a normal reaction to built-up emotional stress.

You clearly care about the people around you, as evidenced by your continuing effort to try to help people through things. Also, you are worried about losing your ability to help, so you clearly want to continue helping people. The thing is, just like physical energy and concentration, we have limited stores of emotional energy, and at a certain point, we need to refresh ourselves. You aren’t losing your ability to help, you just need to reboot your emotional power source.

Self care is going to be the most important thing to maintain your energy. You can’t take care of others unless you’re doing okay. Take care of yourself. It’s okay to say “no” to people if you aren’t in a good place to help. In a professional context, caregivers are encouraged to separate their work and home lives, and I’ve found that to be very important in my work in peer support. Obviously, when it’s a friendship, you can’t do that in the same way, but you can set boundaries and let people know if you need a break. You need to be your own number one priority.

Next, it’s important to remember that while you can support people and give them advice, they are the only ones responsible for the decisions they make. If they end up in the same situations repeatedly, that’s not your fault. The only decisions you can make are your own. The people you help may have many factors that contribute to how their lives progress, but it isn’t your responsibility to fix people.

Finally, I want to reinforce that it is okay to tell people that you aren’t able to help right now. It doesn’t matter who has it worse off; if you aren’t up to supporting someone at any given time, you have a right to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

Your emotional energy will come back, you just need to take care of yourself. Give yourself a break, and try to remember that you aren’t responsible for the decisions of others. You don’t have to be “on” all the time. It’s okay to take a break. Schedule relaxation time for yourself, and don’t be afraid to be alone. Put your phone on “do not disturb” if necessary. It doesn’t make you a bad person to take breaks.

Best of luck and stay strong,