#meta.rot

fjord loves his friends so much he becomes a miracle bringer does that make sense he is like. his love is a miracle for himself and those around him. he loves so much it ends up outweighing everything he hated so much about himself to the point where he just. he just creates miracles. cad himself said it. somebody will wish for a miracle and you will be there. and then he is. over and over and over again. he is... i dont like the word saviour. i dont like the word devine either. he is just simply a protector. and he goddamn makes sure to do everything in his power, divine or cursed or mundane, powerless or not, to be there whenever he is needed..... does any of this make sense. i can't make words click when it comes to the shrimp emotions fjord makes me feel sorry

hmm... still thinking about the way caleb said astrid was very handsome.... and then jester asking if was she a boy and him going no she is a girl. just handsome. just thinking of astrid's specializing in illusionary magic and still showcasing her scars. thinking of astrid taking lead while dancing. thinking of astrid being cutting and smart and so deeply strong. thinking of astrid who used poison and had a 5 minute breakdown in an alley. thinking of astrid punching the ground in rage, grieving the catharsis she had been on stand by for, the promised relief that was her driving force. thinking of astrid, strong and smart and handsome, coming back to the temple. thinking of astrid always i think

fjord is a man that carries so much quiet guilt right at the pit of stomach, its incredible the amount of it, like concrete that keeps him at the bottom of the ocean. self worth so sparse and thinner than air, self condemnation heavy like tons of cold, cold water. he wants to be better and he is but he doesn't believe he deserves the gentleness that comes with caring. its like he's constantly fighting against himself and the ocean in his lungs and the earth beneath his feet, to prove himself to himself, because everybody else already believes in him, everybody already knows he's doing his best to be good and thats enough for them, but not for him; he is a man of faith (not only of his goddess but his friends, his family, his lover, and the universe's timing as a whole) without faith in himself. am i making any sense hello.

absolutely devastated over how fondly caleb looks at essek. like he looks at him with this half-cocked eyebrow and soft little smile, like he knows him better than he himself does, like they're sharing a million secrets without saying a word, like essek is the only person on his eyes; just deeply intimate and simply fond. and i know this is just the way caleb is, i know that when he looks at somebody he stares right into their soul and leaves a piece of himself there too, i know this is just how he is, but that does not make it any less special, any less butterflies-on-stomach inducing, maybe it even makes it even that much more earthshaking. like i cannot believe they get there, that against all odds, against all the squints and distrustful, distasteful, deceiving and calculated, cold, cold looks they shared before they get there; caleb gets to the point of looking at essek fondly, tenderly, and essek looks back just as soft, just as all encompassing, all consuming. they look at each other like they're in a joke that nobody is on, like the world around them is hazy around the edges, like they're both constantly, always, privately, in the ninth floor of the tower or the astral sea or the inside of a beacon, where all the infinity possibilities are on the table. they look at each other like they are endless & starving for it. im dizzy i need to sit down

i have decided that essek's sense of humor is just straight up lying like he just lies for fun and lets people run with it. its the most like senseless lies too no he has never had a cherry in his life and yes of course he has been to the moon but he is so quick and sure with it & its essek cmon he doesnt lie when it isnt about war crimes duh ! so ppl just buy it & he most of the time just lets ppl run with it forever (that is of course if you miss caleb's inconspicuous lil smile he gets when he does so but then again when is he not smiling when essek's around.)

i think the second after caleb's lip leave his forehead, essek gets crushed under the weight of the whole wide world. like i think he gets shown mercy and everything he is not, and just drowns in every single emotion imaginable. i think he gets kissed on the forehead and spends the rest of his long, long life unpacking it. and it isn't even because it was caleb, nor about the love that grows there, not all of it is at least; i think it was just the shock and relief of the inevitable catalyst of a journey he didn't know he was on. i think the shock he felt wasn't only because he couldn't believe it was even happening but because he felt completely undeserving of it, to maybe the point of disappointment, because redemption last for the rest of your life. if the nein decided in that boat that he wasn't worthy it, that he was beyond hope, and simply killed him, that was it. but they didn't. they didn't and now he has to live for the rest of his life with his sins and do his very best to atone in a way that isn't self serving, in a way that matters. i think essek gets kissed on the forehead and he realizes that he wants to be better and that he can be. and it breaks his heart that it took that much for him to realize it.