#memorydump

Sometimes I get frustrated by the job application process.

No, not just sometimes. All the time. ATP I'm only doing it for compliance. I have to do it just to say to family members that I'm actually doing something to change my currently unemployed situation. "Look, it's not like I'm doing nothing. I'm actually making the effort to send out my resume to companies. But I keep getting rejected so what can I do??"

What can I do except just to keep applying?? At this point it's just to get my family off my back. If I don't do anything, they will be on my case again and start nagging and criticizing me for being a failure because I'm still unemployed.

This desperate energy has gotten me scammed already, but still I persist in my efforts just to keep a peaceful environment.

It's more about...pleasing other people instead of pleasing myself. I derive no satisfaction from doing this. I am motivated by the desire to be left alone to do it my way, even if I fail.

I have my issues with community development work. I feel frustrated by it.

As much as I want to work permanently in that industry (and I really do), I find the movement extremely slow. the work is fun and emotionally fulfilling. the problem is that there aren't enough jobs or projects for someone like me whose expertise/experience lie in inclusive business, agri-business, entrepreneurship and innovation, R&D, and business management.

there's so much potential and opportunities for it in my country (Philippines). the problem is that less people are willing to invest in inclusive business projects or social enterprise business ventures. the private sector or private companies will only move if it fits their corporate goals or if they see the competitor beating them. but when they move, by golly do they move fast. the pay is better too. and there are more projects to choose from.

meanwhile, the government and NGOs move slow AF. and the pay is low, and the projects are less and short-term, unlike within the private sector, where projects are ongoing, constant, and longer-term.

I guess I am expressing my frustration with the industry itself and it's slow growth or slow development. I keep walking away from it because I desire career progress and financial stability for myself but the industry keeps pulling me back in. even when I've left, I still get a few offers to come in and do something. people reach out asking for my help but never follow through on it.

I guess this is my written declaration that I am giving up any hope in working in the industry. I'd like to manifest for more opportunities for myself in the industry but it feels like my time in the industry has ended. I desire for growth and for the money in my bank account to actually grow. It's such a shame because I have many great ideas, solutions, and skills that are useful in the industry, but it seems life is leading me to go in a different direction.

I think I'm going to start writing more posts on this account.

just short posts, called "memory dump", mostly rants where I can write down thoughts to help me deal with my anxiety and my stress these days.