#meherbaba

  I had been having a particularly challenging week at work and the level of stress was beginning to burst at the seams. So many little things kept building up and I found almost every moment of the day felt like my skin was on fire - I just could not find peace of mind. This was taking a toll on my home life and my heart hurt even more that in all of this, Baba seemed so far away from my heart throughout the week - which was unusual considering all the online Baba meetings I’ve been part of lately. There just was what felt like a thorn in my heart, and through it bled insecurity, shame, rage, discomfort, and what seemed to be a major disturbance in my home life: PTSD. Memories kept surfacing and it honestly felt like I could not run from the hauntings of my mind which blurred my conscious vision. 

  When finally my day off came, I did my best to to sit and listen to Jeff Wolverton’s reading of Effort and Grace live on Zoom. It was helpful to hear others share their experiences and thoughts on the Avatar. Suddenly, I found my eyes could not stop reading the material and I muted everyone on the meeting so I could focus. Darwin Shaw wrote about “First Cause” and “Resting in First Cause” (pg.80-81 in book) and I suddenly found my eyes closed and my mind slowed WAY down. My breathing became more natural, the tension in my shoulders melted, and it was as if I’d just walked upon a beautiful and quiet willow tree next to a still pond. Such spaciousness and peace. As I opened my eyes and read the next line, it read: “And while abiding at the level of First Cause, we may experience clarity of consciousness, peace of mind, and even bliss.”

  I appreciated being in such a beautiful and spacious place after such an intense mental hellscape for so long (honestly even a moment spent in that space is too much!), however I now became very aware of a sharp thorn-like object in my heart and the pain became unbearable in an instant. I took a larger photo of Baba and looked directly into His eyes, desperate for any relief. Words of shame and turmoil, hopelessness and grief cried out to my Beloved. 

Within a couple minutes of this, I intuitively felt Baba ask me to open my eyes and look at Him. My body froze and all the air left my lungs in a gasping exhale- and the feeling of a splinter being pulled from deep down in my heart shot out my body. I shuddered as my mind and body tried to find equilibrium from the shift. Then Baba showed me through an internal Film with wordless words that I was like a magnetic yo-yo in Baba’s hand. The view was from outerspace looking onto Earth and Baba flung me from the atmosphere of earth into outer space, and that was like when I experience chaotic and turbulent states of mind. And the mind being like a magnet for other thoughts, when He’d throw me out into space, this magnetic yo-yo would collet tiny, tiny fragments of magnetic dust - but the longer I stayed out in space the more magnetic dust would collect on this yo-yo until it was a massive ball of chaotic, magnetic dust(thoughts). 

It was only when I made an effort to remember Him and cry out for Him, that Baba would pull the string and bring me back Home to Him, or closer to His orbit. I recall in that moment asking Baba if the string was strong enough to pull me back or if it would ever break, and Baba said no it can never break; it is an unbreakable connection. 

By the time I came back to the room and consciousness of my surroundings, the Effort and Grace meeting had come to an end but a few people were left saying their goodbyes. I wiped the tears and turned on my video to say hello to Ruth Appel, a wonderfully generous and strong-hearted person. She mentioned it was nice to see me and asked how I was and I told her it had been a hard week for me but that sometimes I feel like a yo-yo being thrown out into space by Baba. Just a very brief sentence or two in order to give her a metaphor I had just experienced. As we spoke I felt relatively calm and composed until in such a tender-hearted way Ruth said, “You know Alan, Baba gave a metaphor for how we were like yo-yo’s and described that he threw us farther and farther and brought us closer and closer until we became One with Him.” To say that her words brought confirmation of Baba’s unfathomable Knowing is not enough. In that moment all those quiet, internal moments where I questioned whether I was really hearing and feeling Baba, all that doubt - felt held in His Arms. I felt held like a baby that could cry into it’s mother’s chest, could finally stop pushing and pulling trying to find a way out of all this...could finally Rest in Him. 

The Door of Baba’s Love swung wide open upon listening to this woman’s beautiful soul-call to the Beloved. 

I watched a video of Baba walking through Myrtle Beach(on silent) while playing this song in the background and was deeply, deeply moved.