#mefites

Matthew's housemate Christen and I will be finalizing memorial arrangements today. The memorial will be held Saturday in Portland, and I will post other details as soon as they're settled. There will also be smaller, more informal gatherings throughout the weekend and possibly forever. Xen and I agreed that it would be better to share a little more about Matthew's death, because all of us are united in thinking that this is bullshit, and this should not have happened.  I'm just going to copy Xen's words here, because she is a writer and I don't think I could say it better than she has done already. "In the brief public announcement I made about Matthew Schuler's death yesterday, I did not refer to the manner of death, more for brevity's sake than because we wanted it to be kept secret. I shouldn't be surprised to have received so many questions, given that Matthew was a young man (he had just celebrated his 40th birthday) and in relatively good health. I am sad to say that Matthew found himself overwhelmed by the events of a very stressful year and chose to end his life." "Matthew could be very difficult, but as hard as he sometimes was on other people, he was always so much harder on himself. In the end he needed the kind of help he would have been more than happy to offer anybody else -- and upset if he couldn't -- but could not stand to seek out on his own. This enrages me and breaks my heart on so many levels, I cannot even tell you. " Matthew was loved by so many people... SO. MANY. PEOPLE. We have been fucking overwhelmed by offers of help and support and love and grief, and the big problem with the memorial is finding a place that we think will be big enough for everyone who has said they want to be there. Puzzled Pint had a moment of silence for him last night. Local bartenders are organizing ten minutes of silence for Matthew in bars all over Portland Friday. He would have loved that, LOVED it for anyone else, and it is so fucking wrong he isn't here to see all this, all these ways that people are honoring what he brought into their lives, and what they will miss now, forever.  I am so angry, and so heartbroken, and any, all, of the people who are pouring one out for him and thinking of him would have been happy to help him, would have helped him in a hot second, and he sort of knew that intellectually but he didn't know in his deepest heart how much, how many, how completely we all loved him. Please, please, please, please, all of you here, all of everyone, you are loved, I don't fucking care what you think, you are loved and even if you don't believe it or think you deserve it or whatever the fuck, you are loved. ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED HELP. YOU ARE LOVED AND WE WILL HELP YOU. (I'm sorry to yell so much, but fuck this bullshit, seriously)