Mar 20
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If I were to be honest, even though I was totally & completely in love then, that fleeting moment of realizing the impermanence of a love eventually lost was enough for me to deal with her confronting me about cheating. It wasn’t that I saw it coming or anything, but I had already crossed those roads in my head from years of self-doubt. I swear she only got angrier the longer I remained calm & the more obvious it became that I had made the naive mistake of believing in love again. How daft I was... and I’d say I’m smarter now, that I’m above such a fool’s errand, but my heart longs again. It had stayed quiet for much longer than expected; even while many attractive people passed through my life & some even gave me attention. It always happens randomly; you never expect your heart to yearn quite so badly after building walls up around it, but somehow it never matters. Love always wins...or at least until death or we part I suppose.
Florida is something else entirely
I am a mattress abandoned in the green mountain national forest
I’ve got paper skin & I should know ‘cause I’ve been tearing it up at night & anytime my hands get idle I’ve got a hollow heart & you should know ‘cause you’ve been stealing pieces anytime you think of me & feel the need to call but I’ve never picked up the phone so what makes you think that I’ll start now
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Been putting off working on my memoir..here's a piece of chpt 1.
And the void - that vast, indifferent, brutally honest darkness that Nietzsche warned us about - if you stare into it long enough, something extraordinary happens. It doesn't consume you. It doesn't confirm your worst fears about yourself. It doesn't just look back.
It sees you.
Not the you that failed the test. Not the you that didn't fit the mold. Not the you that the institution stamped and filed and quietly gave up on.
The actual you.
Ernest Becker wrote that everything human beings build - every religion, every empire, every ideology, every system of measurement - is at its root a defense against the one fact we cannot face directly for too long without unraveling. That we die. That we know we die. And that we are the only creatures both cursed and gifted enough to carry that knowledge consciously. He argues that everything we do is in defiance of it and an attempt at a solution to it.
Every ruler I was ever measured by was also, in its way, an immortality project. A system that promised transcendence to those who fit within it. And for those of us who didn't fit - who were quietly shown the door of belonging before we even understood what belonging meant - we were left to find our own answer to the death problem.
Without the map. Without the ruler. Without the institution to plug ourselves into.
Just the light. And the leaves. And the long, difficult, beautiful work of figuring out what actually matters when everything that doesn't has been stripped away.
This is not a book about autism. Not really.
It's a book about the wrong ruler. And what happens when you finally, unapologetically, put it down.
There's no place like home
I've been growing as of late, like a plant through cracks of a sidewalk; I'm beginning to feel myself stretch out towards the light given to me despite being surrounded by concrete and weed killer, but I'm convinced I'm no weed. I don't wish to take back the love I've given any more than I wish to show the true colors that blossom from my hidden flowers. Not only have I grown between the callousness and toxicity of insecurities projected upon me, but I will bloom, my love will not die. Those that see me for more than a common wildflower won't be able to stop themselves from noticing how I break the normalcy of self loathing and smile at my colors despite it all. I will love myself too.