How did I get here? Why am I just seeing it now? All I know is that it felt good and I kept wanting it and needing it somehow. Guess I can only take so much of loving you and not having you. You can't hate me as much as I hate myself for what I've been doing. Forgiveness is now all I want from you and harder still from myself.

In furtive awful dreams he has her again. He knows he should've tried harder. But pride ain't as easy to swallow down like beer. He sits across from her sitting on someone else's lap. From her perch she gives gentle laughter and it's the kind that used to be in his bed. Her eyes meet his and he takes another swig.

I'm up while you still dream and you look beautiful. Creature divine, surrounded by the dust motes floating in the golden sun beams flickering between the blinds. My phone is on the other side of the bed but I don't want to wake you, though I'm battling the desire to capture you forever like this. I know forever won't be like this. Sleep, love. I can still capture you with a kiss.

How easy it is to not question and believe so faithfully in my being in love with you. I feel so sure and so calm naming the buzzing in my soul. It could've been hours, it should've been days, but I knew from the very first minute in my being in love with you.

Girls like me are fast with boys like you. Say you still want us in the morning. Girls like me want the cake and to eat it too. Want you to be bad but good to us. Treat us like a queen, take us like the whores that we are.

He used his Letterman's jacket to wipe the blood off the first time; the first time we made love; the first hit that drew blood. He used the soft warm inside, the side no one could see. He saved that soft warm inside just for me.

I was never supposed to die for the cause. I was supposed to live to reap the benefits. This isn't how I wanted my life to end. The sorry fact that it is is enough to make me regret every choice I've ever made to lead me to this moment, dying in your arms. If I could do it over again, I would, but your face would still be the last thing I ever see.

All the things I've been wanting to do I want to do them with you. It's just not as good without you. I'm afraid going alone and I need someone to hold while we walk the streets on our own. I'll take you anywhere and you'll take me everywhere, pushing and pulling each other across the world.