#medicated thoughts

Would it be annoying if I said 'my whole life'? lol

Dear lovely Anon, messages like this always leave me emotional because over the years trans!Cas has probably been the art I receive the most messages about. People have told me it helped them feel seen, helped them understand themselves, inspired them to come out, or simply gave them a reason to keep going. Someone even got a tattoo of my art!

Every single one of those messages stays with me and yours will too.

I first drew trans!Cas over a decade ago for a little high school AU blog called Life Could Be Good and if you remember it, no you don't lmao. I was about 16 at the time and I was using it to work through wondering if I might be trans. I was playing around with gender and trying to understand myself. And even though these days I’ve reached a point where I'm very comfortable about my own queer identity, I remember what it felt like back then: the crippling fear that in choosing to love myself, the people I loved would choose not to love me anymore. I worried and wondered if things were ever going to feel any better.

Now I’m through all of that and looking around at older queer people, my beloved friends, in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond. I see them loving their bodies, loving their lives, finding joy, and growing older with the people they love. And it fills me with so much happiness. And we need to keep imagining a future where queer and trans people simply get to grow old, loved, and happy.

I think that’s part of why I keep drawing older Dean and Cas lately. Because the world feels pretty fucked right now. There’s a lot of fear, a lot of cruelty, and a lot of people trying to convince us that our futures are uncertain and small. That the safe and ordinary lives aren't ours to have.

So I think we need happiness and hope wherever we can find it. And if a drawing of a trans angel or two old idiots in love can give someone a little hope for their own future, then that’s more than I could ask for as a silly little fan artist.

And for what it’s worth from a random person on the internet: I’m proud of you. It’s not easy, and it can be frightening, but you did it anyway! I’m really glad you’re here, and I’m really glad you’re choosing to be yourself.

I hope your future is full of pride, ordinary happiness, and people who love you exactly as you are.

Dear Anon, thank you for your lovely message.

1. Space to paint and space to store drying paintings

2. Content of the oil paintings being cringe to IRL people who don’t ✨understand✨

3. No undo button lol

4. Pack up and tidy up aka cleaning brushes 😩