#mea.ushijima

The straight and honest words, sugar-free and stoic as usual left Ushijima's lips the moment you opened the door. Not a single hello or unusual utterances. His dark olive bangs draped over his forehead, only a strand or two clung to his skin from his practice with the team.

Peering over your shoulder, your siblings were giggling from behind the door frame of your living room with big round eyes probably whispering about how Ushiwaka almost never comes over, because they were right. He had met your family on a few different occasions and had dinner twice formally but never spent much time at your residency otherwise. He was almost as elusive as your next door neighbour's cat.

Heaving a small sigh, you slipped your bare feet into your loafers and closed the door behind you as you confronted Ushijima on your small doorstep.

"I'm not avoiding you, I'm just taking time to think about things," you whispered to the tall captain, arms wrapping around yourselves as you found interest in your shoes.

Ushijima tilted his head, trying to get a better look at you, "Things... Have I done something to upset you? I sense that it was something I did."

There it was. As stoic and emotionally unmoving as Ushijima Wakatoshi could get, he was not one hundred percent oblivious to those around him or their feelings. Rather it took him longer to receive and understand the words and emotions from others. Oftentimes, if it did not have anything to do with himself nor did it interfere with his daily schedule, he left those matters untouched.

You understood all of this, so why did it seem to bother you so much that Ushijima simply carried out himself the way he normally would even when he was with you?

His matching olive eyes never once left your form, curiosity hid behind his eyes as he waited for you to give him your word. Flickering your eyes between his own and your front door, you pursed your lips, "Ushi, when I confessed to you, did you only agree to go out because you felt like it was the right thing to do or because you actually reciprocated the feelings?"

The captain before you took a second to think, brows furrowing before his face returned to his usual blank expression, "It was the right thing to do because I reciprocated those feelings. I would not have done so otherwise."

Even after days of second-guessing your own boyfriend, stuck in a loop of miserable thoughts and worry that something and someone you cherished would have to be cast aside, you found yourself stifling a chuckle behind the back of your hand. While you were too busy questioning your relationship with him, you had forgotten that Ushijima, arguably the most straightforward person on this planet, had a simple philosophy behind his decision-making.

Your chuckle turned into a loud cackle, only confusing your boyfriend further as he watched on unsure of what to do or say as you tried to catch your breath, "And do you still feel the same way or has that changed for you?"

"It has changed," Ushijima bluntly responded as he placed a hesitant hand on your shoulder to try and help you stifle your reaction. "I am definitely much more fond of you now than I was then."

Your laughing ceased as you sobered up at his words. Eyes searching Ushijima's own for any sign that you were misunderstanding him, but he only blinked expectantly at you, "You love me more now than you used to?"

He nodded, patient as ever with the way you seemed to not take to his honesty. Was it that hard for you to understand? Maybe he wasn't conveying it right. Briefly insecure with how he worded his responses, Ushijima looked at his palms before shaping them into an invisible longitudinal scale, "I had feelings for you... roughly like this. After we started dating, my feelings grew to about this."

You watched in amusement as he widened the distance between palms, his eyes briefly catching yours to ensure you were following his explanation.

Worried you were still uncertain of his truth, Ushijima pointed at his measure, "Does that explain my words better? Is this enough?"

"Is this enough" was not a jab of is this enough love for you. Love was not measured by distance or an unrealistic amount by an invisible scale or some metaphor. Love for Ushijima was measured by frequency.

"Is this enough" was simply Ushijima's own way of conveying his concern that he was lacking in the department of expressions, something he was aware of.

Smiling up at your boyfriend, you placed a hand over each of his own as you came to terms with the root of your own insecure thoughts, that communication was all you needed to do. Ushijima was a strong character on his own, as a captain he is used to giving out orders and instructions to his teammates while also receiving them from his coach. He stood not to be pushed to do something he did not wish to do so his actions and responses merely reflect that, though he is open to suggestions. Especially if they came from important people such as family or yourself.

"If it's not enough, tell me."

"It's just enough, Ushi," you murmured, giving his hands a squeeze. "But sometimes, it would be nice if you showed just a little bit more so I remember."

He remained quiet, thinking of a few ways that he could show you just a little more of his affection. He recalls from movies and shows in passing as well as peers on-campus that holding hands and hugging were often signs of affection. Looking down at the way your smaller hands were latching onto his own, he came to understand that he was previously not giving you enough despite your response.

Squeezing your hands in response, Ushijima flickered his attention as he remembered something, "I... love you, [Y/N]."

Though he sounded hesitant, it was clear in his eyes that he meant every syllable in that small phrase. The adoration remained quietly hidden but from the years spent with Ushijima, you knew.

Leaning on the tip of your toes, you brushed a delicate kiss to his cheek with a grin, "I love you too, Toshi."

As your heels met the surface of your doorsteps once more, you couldn't contain the tempting chance to pinch the spot you left your kiss, surprising the captain as his eyes followed the movement of your hand, "If you're free next week, let's go somewhere for a hike and a picnic?"

Nodding along to his suggestion, you beamed up Ushijima with a suggestion of your own, "Would you like it if we stopped in at your favourite cafe to pick up some snacks?"

This time, it was his turn to nod.

On those personally gloomy days, you wished Ushjima could pick up on the hints you quietly put out, hoping he would give you the reassurance you needed. It wasn’t something that most people worried about; unfaithfulness. For you, it was more whether he could do better or not.

For Ushijima, love was measured in frequency. You were able to measure the things he loved by the amount of time he did something. Volleyball, for instance, was one of his loves. He practiced day in and day out. Watched all the tournaments and games, went to every training camp offered and never once skipped a club meeting, not even when he had a cooling pad stuck to his forehead and a tissue stuffed up his nose.

There’s this cafe in the city he loved. It was a place he often went to all the time as well. He would try a new cafe if you offered, but if he were to pick, this would be the one; his go-to. It was attached to a little family-owned market with a delicious bakery that his favourite pastries came from. He never got tired of his usual order, and he always picked the same spot to sit at, if available. If not, he’d idly wait at the counter until his spot was cleared or he wouldn’t sit in the cafe otherwise.

So if you think about it, why was it so hard to tell if he loved you? You were a frequent person he saw almost daily. Being the silent type he is, even after two years of dating, you found it hard to pick out the signs that clearly flashed, “I LOVE YOU!” from him. You would think after all this time, he would at least hold your hand in public, but he didn’t. Sometimes, you worried that he was actually ashamed of being seen with you in public, but that couldn’t be it as he was often the one who asked if you wanted to go see a movie at the theatre or to grab a snack from the aforementioned cafe.

You’ve even considered the possibility that it was just hard for him to say those three words, but again, on a gloomy day like this, it was simply something you needed to hear.

Were you boring? Was he pitying you? Or was he simply just trying to keep himself occupied with you?

Looking across the table at Ushijima who was busy revising for a test, you were just unable to read him. You closed your eyes and sighed, picking up your assignments and shuffling them into your bag.

“I’m gonna head home,” you smiled half-heartedly.

Ushijima watched you stand up, giving a curt nod before returning his gaze back to his work. You waited a bit, hoping he would at least bid you goodbye, knowing an offer to walk you home was way too much to expect.

Nothing.

He said nothing, so you walked off, weaving between people and bookshelves as you looked for the library exit.

Bokuto Kotaro:

Coming Soon

Iwaizumi Hajime:

Ghost (songfic) Angst: A little memoir of the complicated feelings between two people who were never honest with their words.

Kuroo Tetsurou:

Thread of Fate (songfic series)

Oikawa Toruu:

Thread of Fate (songfic series)

Ushijima Wakatoshi:

Abysmal (one shot) Angst: Sometimes compatibility comes in the discourse of love languages.