#mdop

tuesday. got results from my adhd testing. i have adhd. as with most developmental disorders and specific learning disorders, the testing compares different scores. to oversimplify: average or above average ability + below average processing.

for those of you who don't know. since 2011 i have been an academic tutor for college students with learning disabilities. this is the water i swim in. i know how to instruct students with dyslexia, auditory processing disorders, sensory issues, socialization issues, and most frequently adhd.

i have had many students throughout the year. absolutely brilliant. constantly stymied by The Symptoms.

Anyway. I began to suspect i had adhd during the pandemmy (TM, Nicole Byer). Because that's when I was in weekly therapy, finally on the right meds cocktail, and living with minimal anxiety for the first time in 30 years.

Then the New Symptoms appeared. adhd coded.

not surprising. my dad has it.

i have an above average intellect. i learn things quickly (because if i don't it's not worth learning--yes there is a big flaw in that logic). i have a master's degree. i was one of the best students in my program.

but...i am a part time tutor. who is overwhelmed by working more than 6 hours a day. or more than 4 days a week.

i just can't do it.

so. the test results.

tuesday. they were validating. yes there is a reason i can't keep a schedule. yes there's a reason i walk to my car without my keys. yes there's a reason that i will watch 20 minutes of a movie and LOVE it, then an hour later have no idea what is happening on the screen.

those problems are amusing.

here's what struck me. I am above average in verbal comprehension. I am way below average for perceptual reasoning and processing speed. and the joy of validation is wearing off.

the stages of grief have set in.

i am so angry!

because now i finally grasp that this is a disability. something that makes my life infinitely harder and worse:

limits the possibilities of what i can achieve. what i was not able to achieve.