#mcmtraining2017

I was scrolling through LinkedIn (I’m not looking for a job, there are just some really good articles in there that I like reading on various interests like higher education, philanthropy, community engagement, etc.) and someone who works with Employee Resources Groups at Putnam, who I was often in contact with while in my previous job, posted about an event. In looking through the details of the event, they mentioned an essay by Christine Miserandino called “The Spoon Theory”. Christine suffers from Lupus. However, the Spoon Theory relates to all those living with invisible illnesses (including epilepsy).  It amazed me that this essay is apparently very widely known and through all of my awareness advocacy, I’m so late to the game in reading it. 

The point of sharing that is that if you know me, I would like you to read the essay. Why? There have been so many times where I’ve said yes to doing something and have had to cancel last second: Birthday parties. Dinners. Concerts. Runs with friends. Backing out on favors. Interviews when I was searching for jobs last winter. Even weddings! When people bring it up like I’ve done something wrong or they’re disappointed in me, specifically friends and/or the people who know me best who I think would understand, it triggers a lot of frustration even if they think they’re just joking around. It’s something that, while I know people don’t understand my condition, in the back of my mind I still assume they at least know I have something that any given time drains me of energy …but to no avail - No one truly understands until they have no spoons.  

So why not just say “maybe” when I’m asked to attend or do things? Yes. I try to do that as often as possible. However, most of the time I want people to know I’m a dependable and motivated person and that I really DO want to be celebrating their wedding, or their birthday, or just go out with friends for drinks, etc. 

So doesn’t running take away spoons, Kathleen? Good question. Provided I make sure I do it in the morning, usually not. It actually helps me gain them for the day. On the other hand, there are the mornings I’ll work out and it’ll take them all away in one swoop and there are the mornings that I wake up and as soon as I open my eyes I have no spoons to begin with. Why is that the case? I have no clue. It’s just the way it works. 

It has been so hard to convey to people, even those that are the closest to me, that I have no control over this but yet, I know what I need to do to conserve energy so that I’m able to live my life tomorrow. This essay just made me glad that I could share it with you reading this in the hopes maybe you’ll read the essay and then have a better understanding of what those with illnesses and disabilities go through. It also completely explains why my tolerance for other people’s unneeded stress is so low. I don’t have the energy or ‘spoons’ to waste on it.

After reading this essay, I think it was a sign that as I scrolled through Facebook a few hours later, I saw that New England’s chapter of the Epilepsy Foundation posted that there was a support group for adults with Epilepsy being held at MGH tonight called “Epilepsy Strategies: From Diagnosis to Acceptance and Disclosure”. I’ve tried going to a support group before. It was about 5 and a half years ago, a few years after I was diagnosed, and my anxiety was at its highest.  I knew I needed something. However, the group wasn’t well run and it was older adults drinking coffee, eating homemade baked goods, and talking about their kids who have Epilepsy and their soccer games. I have higher hopes for this group especially given it’s geared toward adults with the illness. I’m not looking to talk about my pains and sorrows, but given the name of group, it would be interesting, and I think comforting, to know what others like me go through. Within diagnosis, acceptance, and disclosure, I’m pretty sure I fall within the disclosure category. I think I have been since November Project came into my life, but I know there’s still more I could do or say, and more I could know about others with Epilepsy. The only other people I know with Epilepsy are the ones I’ve met through the Foundation’s Athlete’s vs. Epilepsy. While I am so grateful to have met those people, we’re dispersed across the country and aside from one person, I didn’t stay in touch with the other 10 or so people that I ran with both times I ran for the Foundation. Not to mention that while we’re with each other we’re about to run 26.2 miles and I might just be talking for myself, but I don’t think any of us are interested in talking about the support we need regarding our condition when we’re trying to amp up for a marathon.

Speaking of running 26.2 miles - I’m doing that again in a month. I’m shooting for 16.5 - 17 miles this weekend. With the exception of last weekend’s long run, they’ve been going really well.  Here’s hoping that continues! :) 

I have 3 solid weeks left of training before taper. Where did the last few months go?! However, lately it’s been impossible to get myself up unless I wake up on my own. For instance, today I woke up 5 MINUTES too late to feasibly make it to the 5:45am class that I go to every Tuesday. I tried? I even brushed my teeth and got in running gear but at 5:43 I had to call and cancel. The worst! 

The good news is that even though I woke up just a TEENY bit too late and missed class, I was up at 545, had coffee, and still got a run in outside along the Charles before work. It’s amazing how short 4.6 miles feels after you’ve been running 9.5+ every weekend since July. I also busted that shit out in an 8:30 minute/mile. I knew that speed was still in there somewhere. 

I will definitely admit that I’m getting to the point in my training where I’m burning out. I will be the first to admit that I trained horribly for NYC last year.  (I’ve already exceeded my longest long distance at 14.8m and I still have 3 more long runs to go. Yikes. So bad, Kathleen.) I know I was already at max-level burn out because of the job I was in last year and that was 99% of the problem while I was training. However, that is NOT a problem this year. In fact, being here in my new jobs helps me. I frikkin’ love this place.

I’m trying to go back in time when I was training for my first marathon (or second, for that matter) and I can’t remember being this tired. Was I in better shape? Were my seizures more controlled (doubtful)? Was I just more motivated then? Have I just aged tremendously in these 4 years since my first marathon that I’m more tired? Ha. I have no idea. What I do know is that my ability to just jump up out of bed at 5:30am, run 2 miles to stadium, bust out a full tour, and walk home? Not a thing at this point in my life. It could come back. Who knows. 

On Saturday I set out for a 14.5 mile run to Castle Island and back but when I got out the door I immediately turned in the other direction and decided to do pond loops. Eight 1.45m pond loops plus the run there and back from my apartment. Ended up being 14.8m. Woah. If there weren’t so many dogs to look at I’m not sure I could have done that. It’s amazing what a meditative mindset you get into after a certain point. I was also running slow as hell since I ran too fast the week prior and couldn’t finish the run.

Other than the morning workouts getting harder in regards to getting myself to them, longer runs seems easier, and shorter runs feel a hell of lot stronger ...Here’s to getting my butt to stadium tomorrow and class on Thursday to keep that momentum going.