#mc.journal

Hey. 

I’m not sure how well I’m fitting in. It’s strange, living in a city your entire life just to feel like you don’t belong here. My heart breaks, this place is so full of wonder and yet here I am. Stuck with the idea that I just don’t fit in. 

It might just be the fact that I don’t engage people, enough. I’m bad at conversations, especially considering I talk to two people on the regular. You.....and I guess mom? She still counts, right? She called today. Wanted to see how things are going. Says she cut out my last piece and hung it on the fridge. That’s kind of cute. And maybe thirteen years to late but opps....

I’m going to keep trying, though. For you. I’ll talk to people more often, make some actual connections. It might do me some good. Maybe even find someone who doesn’t mind staying up with me. Everyone knows the conversation gets more interesting as the night wears on. 

Anyway, to make a short story shorter: in summary, Ophelia Grace Cooper is a social pariah who is on the case to fix that. I vow to make at least one genuine friend by the time I return to this mess. 

It’s still taken me a lot of time to process everything with Kristy these past few weeks. It has been very hectic and I’ve just been keeping it on the back burner of my mind , I didn’t really want to talk about it. I vaguely told Taylor about me going to see Kristy, but details said were very minimal. I don’t won’t to bombard her with these issues even though she did say she would listen to anything.

I’d just feel bad I don’t know.

Anyways , what happened that day is after I came back from Baltimore after being with someone I met - that’s a whole other story I’ll touch on later. I was in New York because my mom , a few weeks before my tour had given me Kristy’s address , I knew about her for a few years , actually it was just a few months after rehab I found out about her and that time period for me obviously was very difficult. I didn’t want anything to do with her really , I felt like I would’ve been a burden so I kept pushing it off. This recent tour , my mom gave me contact info she found and New York , happened to be where she lived & a stop for my tour. It would’ve worked out but the day my show was I chickened out & I avoided seeing her , the day after the show I left town (that’s how I ended up in Baltimore) but , I just felt this weight come over me & I had to push myself

So here I am at Kristy’s door step in this apartment complex & I knock , quite a few times. No answer.

Fuck , I thought she isn’t home , so as I’m about to leave I hear someone come up the stairs , and it was her. The moment was so movie like , it was dead silent. She decides to let me in with her and I thought it would go ok.

I started telling her how I felt bad for not reaching out to her , I don’t recall exact words because it’s all a blur - something set her off though , she didn’t want to hear any of if , she didn’t want me there and things got heated very fast. I didn’t know how to take any of it so I just let her dig into me , she was hurt..I understood that. What really resonates with me is her last words to me

<i> I don’t want to see you , I don’t want to associate myself with someone like you. Do you know how stupid you are ? You had everything , everything & you think I fucking care about your sob story ? You don’t know what I’ve gone through , it’s nothing compared to your little primadona lifestyle. You would be fucking dead right now if mommy didn’t force her little star to go to rehab , I don’t care about you and I never will </i>

I didn’t know how to respond. And I didn’t respond , I just left - I don’t know if that was the right choice & I honestly still don’t know how to respond

The truth hurts.

I should hate her right now

Cosmic is gone he’s gone they took him he said it would happen but I didn’t believe him not really I thought it wouldn’t happen I didn’t want it to happen but he’s fucking gone

nobody has even noticed that he’s gone except Alex and he can’t find him either what was I expecting nobody will find him they’ve been doing this for too long they wouldn’t make it easy

i want to blame alex i want to be able to say it was his fault if cos doesn’t come back but i know what he would say if i did that

if i blamed the person who took him in and loved him when no one else did, not even me

i should have made him live with me we could have hid maybe they wouldn’t have found him he might have been safe

i need to find him i need to tell him that he’s wanted that i love him i don’t tell anyone that i love them and maybe it’s not romantic love yet but he’s my friend and i love him and i can’t let him be gone i need him

i got angry after he left. i did it again. i thought it was a dream until the fog cleared and there it was. i’m getting too good at hiding the evidence. 

i don’t want to disappear into my madness. cosmic makes me feel real. i need to feel real again.