Journal (ignore this one & posts below)
Itās still taken me a lot of time to process everything with Kristy these past few weeks. It has been very hectic and Iāve just been keeping it on the back burner of my mind , I didnāt really want to talk about it. I vaguely told Taylor about me going to see Kristy, but details said were very minimal. I donāt wonāt to bombard her with these issues even though she did say she would listen to anything.
Iād just feel bad I donāt know.
Anyways , what happened that day is after I came back from Baltimore after being with someone I met - thatās a whole other story Iāll touch on later.
I was in New York because my mom , a few weeks before my tour had given me Kristyās address , I knew about her for a few years , actually it was just a few months after rehab I found out about her and that time period for me obviously was very difficult. I didnāt want anything to do with her really , I felt like I wouldāve been a burden so I kept pushing it off. This recent tour , my mom gave me contact info she found and New York , happened to be where she lived & a stop for my tour. It wouldāve worked out but the day my show was I chickened out & I avoided seeing her , the day after the show I left town (thatās how I ended up in Baltimore) but , I just felt this weight come over me & I had to push myself
So here I am at Kristyās door step in this apartment complex & I knock , quite a few times. No answer.
Fuck , I thought she isnāt home , so as Iām about to leave I hear someone come up the stairs , and it was her. The moment was so movie like , it was dead silent. She decides to let me in with her and I thought it would go ok.
I started telling her how I felt bad for not reaching out to her , I donāt recall exact words because itās all a blur - something set her off though , she didnāt want to hear any of if , she didnāt want me there and things got heated very fast. I didnāt know how to take any of it so I just let her dig into me , she was hurt..I understood that. What really resonates with me is her last words to me
<i> I donāt want to see you , I donāt want to associate myself with someone like you. Do you know how stupid you are ? You had everything , everything & you think I fucking care about your sob story ? You donāt know what Iāve gone through , itās nothing compared to your little primadona lifestyle. You would be fucking dead right now if mommy didnāt force her little star to go to rehab , I donāt care about you and I never will </i>
I didnāt know how to respond. And I didnāt respond , I just left - I donāt know if that was the right choice & I honestly still donāt know how to respond
I should hate her right now