#mc's thoughts

I feel like it’s an understandable reaction. They were playing up the sympathy card after Chloe had been terrible to Marinette for years and we had to sit through almost two seasons of her treating people like garbage, so you felt validated that someone was treating her poorly when the narrative obviously wasn’t going to.

She’s not exceptional because she’s not doing anything herself, and what she does do, she fails at. The train situation alone was one she caused and couldn’t even fix on her own, and that was her being a superheroine for only about five minutes. Then she went and got herself akumatized because she couldn’t take the criticism thrown at her.

Audrey’s a fashion critic who worked her way to the top. Chloe takes shortcuts so she doesn’t have to do the work.

Audrey’s cruel, yes, but she’s honest, objective, and didn’t play favorites just because someone was related to her (something I honestly respect, which makes me wish she wasn’t made out to be a bad person). In addition, she could’ve heard that Chloe didn’t make class president in “Darkblade” and got kicked off the judging table in “Kung Food.” She has every reason to believe that her daughter is nothing special.

Could it be because Audrey wasn’t around enough to put Chloe on the right path? Possibly, but it doesn’t change the fact that the narrative still expects you to feel bad for Chloe despite the terrible things she did.

Emilie is “missing” and Gabriel isolates Adrien from the world. Adrien still has issues, but he doesn’t go out of his way to bully people.

Chloe chose to be mean. She chose to bully others and make Sabrina her lackey. She had to be nice in “Despair Bear” and didn’t even enjoy the experience, which could’ve gone a long way to making us want her to improve.

She has talents, but what does she do with them? She has connections, but they’re only used in episodes like “Darkblade” and they don’t work because she doesn’t have the charisma to take care of the rest. She has some prowess for dancing in “Frightningale,” but she was still a brat who got picked because she was the mayor’s daughter and Gabriel hesitantly approved her after Marinette declined the offer.

That’s why she’s not exceptional and why Audrey doesn’t approve of her. Chloe can’t stand out on her own. She always needs help, whether that’s from her father or from a power-granting miraculous.

Could’ve had potential if Andre fell from his position as mayor and Sabrina left because Chloe doesn’t have power anymore. Then, the show could’ve either forced Chloe to work her way up and gain back all the respect she lost, or just not bother wasting our time with such a bad arc.

No one earns points from Audrey Bourgeois by being related to someone important. That’s why Audrey appreciated Marinette so much that she was willing to wait at her helicopter: Marinette worked hard and didn’t need to ride on someone else’s fame or power to get there.

That’s how Audrey remembers names; she remembers based on the value of that name. That’s why she only starts slipping up on Marinette’s name when she feels that Marinette disrespects her by not agreeing to go to New York.

Chloe’s name has no value. She carries the Bourgeois name, but that’s a ladder to the top that Audrey didn’t need because she’s the one who made it a ladder. There’s nothing to Chloe’s name that makes Audrey feel that it’s worth remembering and that’s a hole that Chloe dug for herself.

First of all, thank you! I do enjoy the occasional sodium overdose.

#Choicescreates Round 8

Prompt: Friendship

Book: The Freshman

Rating: T

Pairing: MC x LI Not specific

Hosted by @firefly-hwufanficwriter, 

[A little note: I keep telling myself there’s a bunch of other fics non-freshman related awaiting me and yet I keep coming back to this. I guess it’s hard not to think about this awesome group of people when they leave realistic impressions of friendships. Here’s my submission for this week’s prompt; something short and I think fitting. Hope it’s enjoyable!]

[Summary: The rooftop was a place that held special meaning. For MC and her friends it was a place of safety, a place to cope with whatever life threw at them, including each other and the drama that not only helped define themselves but also solidified their friendship.]

Our rooftop tells a story.

Its own story really.

More than a simple place, our rooftop was practically us. A reflection of what we were. How we coped. How we survived. It became a tangible entity. Because for the most of us, it meant something. Something important. A beacon that brought us all together.

Our rooftop marked the first night where we connected. Where we pushed aside the uncertainty that came with being strangers, and soon enough that same uncertainty had dissolved into something satisfying and indisputable as the night unfolded. A game of truth or truth ensued and suddenly we were no longer interlopers. We swapped stories under the stars. Shared wine and kicked back to listen to each other. We laughed so hard that our eyes swam with tears and we sputtered our most embarrassing secrets.

Our rooftop signified where we exchanged our feelings, the beginning of something new, something exclusive. A place to share how much we meant to each other and where our hasty hands had impatiently pulled off the barriers our clothes presented – just so we could sink into each other’s skin. In our urgency, hands explored every inch of each other and our breaths became heavy until we were nearly gasping for air. Needy moans escaped our lips and we kissed under the quiet moonlight’s watchful gaze. It was here that the rest of the world seemed to fade into a heady swarm of desire as we reached our limit, joined together by pleasure.

Our rooftop was a quiet place for us to think. To look up to the stars and wonder about our place in the universe. To huddle together nearly side by side and think about what the future held. We thought we were ready for anything and yet anxiety still plagued us when we considered our destination. Where would the rest of our three years take us?

Our rooftop was a place of solace when the rest of the world seemed to turn its back on us. It sheltered us when everything felt difficult, too much too fast. Whether we were mending broken hearts, fueling our own frustrations or seething with unresolved feelings – it was there. Waiting for us. Our footsteps rushed past the stairwell only to sink to ground once we reached its safety, slamming the door closed behind us. We chose to be here when we wanted to escape. When the burdens of our harsh reality made us second guess ourselves. We would press our eyes firmly shut and lean against the railing; inhaling the intoxicating scents of spring as a reminder that it was almost over. We found peace here after long-winded arguments or after a stressful project we couldn’t seem to find the time for. We spent nights sketching the stars; planning surprise dates, and mornings practicing speeches. .

Our rooftop marked our last night together before spring ended. Where once again; we shared a game of truth or truth that reminded us how much we meant to each other. How much we grew in our freshman year. How different we were now than we were before. We swapped stories under the stars. Shared wine and kicked back to listen to each other. We laughed so hard that our eyes swam with tears and we sputtered our most embarrassing secrets. We danced under the moonlight’s watchful gaze and kissed even though we were in a crowded room.

Our rooftop changed us, but more importantly we changed each other.

They would probably need a two-parter of some sorts that does a massive overhaul of the narrative’s choices and makes Adrien realize he messed up.

As much as I would love for Marinette/Ladybug to just realize that he’s not treating her fairly, it’s not a realistic reaction given what her character’s been through. Besides, Ladybug has scolded him before, but he brushes it off (hi, “Prime Queen”), so having the facts pointed out to him isn’t a guaranteed fix-it.

What Adrien/Chat needs is a situation where he sees the effect he has when he behaves poorly and realizes the harm it can cause.

Going back to my mention of “Prime Queen,” Chat likely didn’t see it as a big deal because it was already over. He moves onto the next thing without really making an effort to change because, hey, the moment already passed so there’s no need, right? That’s probably his thought process.

So, he would need to feel or comprehend why what he’s doing is wrong.

For example, actually seeing Marinette almost get akumatized in “Chameleon;” that’s a good way to show the severity of someone’s actions. When you almost get Marinette Dupain-Cheng akumatized, you messed up.

But that’s probably not good enough either, because then Adrien could deflect the blame onto someone else involuntarily.

The tools needed simply aren’t here because the only one who’s around Adrien/Chat when he’s at his worst is Marinette/Ladybug. Adrien thinks he’s above Marinette (morally) and Ladybug’s scolding either doesn’t happen or doesn’t affect Chat in a substantial enough way.

Fu also doesn’t seem to see a problem because he gave Adrien a power-up right in the middle of Adrien trying to quit in “Syren,” so that’s also not an option unless Fu has some sort of epiphany about it.

And I’ve probably talked enough about Plagg’s scoldings; they’re about as ineffective as Ladybug’s.

Put bluntly, it doesn’t look good. We had Chloe back in Season 1 and she COULD’VE been great for this had she still been flirting and trying to date Adrien in Season 2; it could’ve caused an “oh no i did this to Ladybug” moment, even if he wouldn’t be as bad as Chloe.

If the writers eventually see that they have a problem, then Marinette could develop to the point where she stops being pushed around or made to feel bad by his behavior, making it clear that he has to accept how she feels and stop pretending like he knows best. At that point, Fu could have development too (being all meditative and calm doesn’t mean he’s morally just either so there’s room) and intervene if it’s clear that there’s a team imbalance.

[A little note: Sometimes all the stress that Freshman leaves me with comes out in the form of a letter. This is one of those times. For those of you like myself, maybe it’ll give you some sort of peace too. Here’s another one of those Dear Moms that you wish MC could say to her mother face-to-face.]

Dear Mom,

Two weeks have passed by. I hadn’t realized it until I checked my calendar this morning. I think it’s because a lot of these days are beginning to blur together. Sometimes it feels like a day overstretches and lingers, then before I know it’s the middle of the week. Sometimes, I’m left wondering where the rest of the time went. It’s the worst it’s ever been. I’m having trouble sleeping. I can’t focus. I can’t write. There’s an insistent ticking in my head. I’m behind but I barely can lift a finger to write. It’s all too much. “This is narrative gold!” That’s what Professor Vasquez’s probably say if he could see me, chastise me. I’d kick myself for ever thinking he’d give me some sort of sympathy. I’d roll my eyes and yell at him. And then he’d kick me out of his office. Rinse and repeat. It’s the only cycle I miss. I know I talk about him a lot mom and don’t get me wrong - you have nothing to be jealous of. No one can replace how much you mean to me. You’re my mom. I know you and dad did your best. It’s just that he’s helped shape this version of me. The adult me. I’m not the same girl I used to be before Hartfeld.

Chris tried to apologize for not coming to Kaitlyn’s concert. It’s a start but it’s not much. He doesn’t realize how much his words hurt me. He apologizes without any real meaning. It feels like he’s just saying it to - well say it. He doesn’t realize how much everything hurts. Ugh, just writing about it frustrates me. I want to lash out at him because it just isn’t enough. Not this time. Apologies are a good start but nothing’ll ever change if we don’t make the effort to. And right now, it feels pretty one-sided. I know he’s doing something important Mom, something special - something worth remembering when we’ve all moved on from this place. I know it, our suitemates know it - Hartfeld knows it. But who exactly is Christopher Powell? I don’t think even he knows the answer to that anymore. He’s doing something important. That’s what I keep telling myself, that’s what I keep saying to convince myself that I shouldn’t be so angry. I’m fed up with the state we’re in and I usually try to hide behind a smile or some misplaced joke just to ease some of the tension, but It doesn’t work all the time. I know being supportive is what he needs right now - but these days it barely feels like I know him.

Kaitlyn and I are on a break. Our friendship’s hit the pause button. She’s really mad at me and I’m really mad at her. It’s like the concert just proved how far apart we are. I never wanted to admit it to myself, but I couldn’t shy away from it when she threw those ugly words at me. She said I never supported her - like I thought the Gutter Kittens wasn’t worth my time. Well I think I did - I think I’m always the only one trying. She’s upset that I brought Zig along to her concert, her big break. And get this Mom, she even says I sabotaged the whole thing - made it sound like we purposely ruined her night. She says it’s because I can’t stand her having new friends. My hand shakes at the thought but she’s not entirely wrong. I don’t like them. I really tried to the first few times, but I just don’t. They bring out the worse in her. Me? Hurt her? I would never - not if I can help it anyway. That’s not the kind of friend I am. She means a lot more to me than that. And despite what she thinks - I’ve tried being there, being a shoulder for her - a listener. But I can’t justify her friendship with them any longer - I’m convinced they’re a bad influence. I’m convinced they’re trying to drive a wedge between us because she’s not the Kaitlyn I made a pact with at the beginning of freshman year. I know I’ve mentioned it, except I can’t let go. I can’t let go of the old Kaitlyn, because I miss her so damn much. Why can’t we just go back? Why can’t we just pretend these last few months never happened?She says she needs her own space, she says she has to figure herself out -  whatever that means. She says she we need a break. It all sounds like a giant excuse to me. An excuse to push everyone away, to push me away. I don’t want to leave her alone; I feel like that’s the worst thing I can do as her best friend. A lot of darkness can creep up on you when you’re alone. But I also don’t want to keep pushing. I don’t want to push and push until there’s nothing left. Now that I’m writing how I feel and I’m not as angry anymore, maybe I am too involved in her life. Too involved in everyone else’s. I know how much you liked her mom, and I used to talk about her all the time but maybe this break will do us both some good.

I’ve mentioned Zig in passing before Mom, and the night at that concert wasn’t the beginning of our friendship. Oh boy, Mom. You used to warn me in high school to stay away from people like him. The people that follow their own crowd, that has a chip on their shoulder because it feels like they’ve got something to prove. You’ve always insisted that they bring trouble, that they’re fun until they’re no longer fun. But there’s just something about him. I can’t put my finger on it, and I’m not sure if I entirely understand it myself - but there’s something there. He’s been good for me. Sometimes we hang out in his car with our legs propped up on the dashboard, listening to music. Sometimes he just listens. Sometimes we go by that bar he likes so much and play pool till it’s really late. We flirt but it doesn’t go anywhere, it’s easier to just be friends. He’s almost perfect except when his temper flares up at the most unexpected times. It’s the most frustrating thing about him. I don’t know how to handle it and it baffles me how much it changes him. Truth is; it scares me a little - I don’t handle people flying off the handle well and I don’t condone violence. It’s another layer of him I don’t really understand. I want to, but it’s just that there’s so much going on right now. All I want to do is go back to when we just sat around in his car and talk.

I spent the weekend by James. Surprise, surprise. I know I didn’t mention it before but it just kind of happened. I just packed up some stuff and left. I flew to meet James in California and after the crappy week I had I figured I deserved it. Don’t worry, I didn’t spend a lot of money. James bought the tickets for me weeks ago, and they were non-refundable. Besides, I needed to get away. James told me he’d be there when I needed him to, to help me make sense of everything. And it started off the way it was supposed to - a good weekend, until it wasn’t anymore. We toured the set of his movie and I even got to see some of my favorite actors from the Crown and the Flame, and Most Wanted. It’s weird because I ship them so much in their tv shows and seeing them be regular people…..It’s like realizing for the first time that they aren’t who they are on camera. They’re real people that like hot yoga classes and can’t go off set without their favorite drinks. It’s just a little sad seeing your idols become real people right in front of you. After we left the set, James and I spent the rest of it lounging at the beach. Finding things that we thought we’d never find. We chatted about silly things for awhile and some of it felt like the way it used to; simple and easy. It was a nice change of pace from being in Hartfeld and worrying about everyone else. We caught up in each other’s lives. I told him about what’s been going on. I told him how much I miss him. He told me how different Hollywood is from what he expected. He told me he enjoys it except the smile doesn’t reach his eyes when he does. I’m really worried that Hollywood isn’t good for him. The play he’s worked his entire life around isn’t the same play that’s being turned into a movie. I see so little of him in it, and so much of the blitz and glamour of Hollywood. He confessed to me he still misses Professor Vasquez and I admitted to missing him too. It’s hard not to when he’s had such a huge impact in our lives. Those were some good moments and I wish I could say it got better once we headed back to his room. It didn’t. One word ruined it, or better yet a singular person. Yasmin. She’s the woman that’s supposed to lift his career off the ground in Hollywood except it feels like she’s holding him back. She’s chaining him to what she thinks is better and erasing the James I remember. It starts off with the little things until they become something bigger. She’s manipulative and I don’t think her feelings for him are real. But try telling James that - he wants this thing to work out so badly that he doesn’t see how destructive she is. I’m worried that it’ll be too late when he does. He’s so caught up in this movie deal that he’s blind to everything else. Hollywood tries to hide all its ugly with all the things it offers to you. But from the bits I’ve seen; the glimpses of the ugly - terrifies me, and I don’t want James to end up like that. But how can I help him when he doesn’t think he needs any help? 

Becca and I had a serious heart-to-heart this week. I know - it surprised me too. But when all my friends let me down - she was there. We sat around and complained about life while gulping down shots of liquor. With every shot it got easier to talk to each other, to laugh even at the the most tragic things. I saw a side of her that I never thought she had. It’s honestly the most fun I’ve had in weeks. I stayed at her sorority that night and shared a room with her. I told her about my crumbling friendships and she told me about her parents divorce. There was no liquor to drown out our sorrows this time, and all I could do was listen. She listened to me too. We’re supposed to hate each other, but suddenly I can’t remember why. That night we were just two friends having a sleepover. Two girls just talking about the crappiest week they’ve had. Did we really grow up that much in one semester?  

Abbie and Tyler are still going steady in case you’re wondering. I still can’t believe out of all this - they’re still the only good thing. To be honest, it baffles me at this point that they can keep it so together when the rest of us are struggling to. I guess that’s what happens when you can rely on someone and pour your heart out to them. I’m jealous and happy for them all at the same time.I can’t help it. When I see them being all romantic and sweet to each other, I feel guilty because of how envious I am. I want what they have, but I don’t think I’ll ever find it here.

And Zack is still Zack, not as mopey anymore because of how much he skypes with Brandon. But there’s still moments when I see it, the sadness in his eyes - the loneliness. I can understand those feelings like they’re my own. I never thought I’d feel like that, be more depressed than he is. But when I’m home I feel it clawing at me, trying to get in. I have my walls but they’re crumbling and I’m afraid that soon there’ll be nothing left. Suddenly, he’s the one watching over me, keeping tabs and forcing me to do things. He makes up some lame excuses to go to our favorite cafe, and sometimes he’s adamant to venture out to Hartfeld’s local cinema and watch a movie. I roll my eyes in the moment but when I think about it now - he’s really the only thing that’s keeping me sane.

I was wrong Mom. I was so very wrong. I thought I could fix things, I thought could mend everyone back together. I thought the invisible ties between us could withstand everything - all the drama, all the ups and downs. Hell, I thought we could go back to the way we used to be. But these past weeks proved to me that we can’t. We can’t go back to the way things were. Things change, and they always change whether we want them to or not. 

Yours truly,

[A little note: I needed something to help me cope with this week Freshman chapter. Though re-blogging and using gifs help, I also find this very therapeutic 😏. Hope it helps you too. Keep calm and choice on!]

Dear Mom,

Another couple weeks of spring have flown by and yet I’m starting to forget my place in the universe. I think about all the things I’ve accomplished since starting at Hartfeld, all the friends I’ve made and all the adventures I’ve had - but none of it seems to matter anymore when everything kind of feels like it’s falling apart. Like we’re falling apart.

I can feel the pressure now more than ever. It’s so bad that even Professor Atiyah can see it too. When we met to discuss my novel, I think she saw a lot that I didn’t want to show her. Somehow she’s managed to see past my facade. She’s finding all the little chinks that I’ve been trying to hide in my armor. She gives me this look that adults give you when they think they understand everything. Then her next words makes my heart sink because it’s what I’ve been fearing for awhile. She told me all my latest chapters are missing something - its usual umph…its spark. She says they lack detail. Somehow, she’s seeing all the wear and tear from college.

If Professor Vasquez could see me now, I dread what he’d say. He’d probably curse me for not being able to channel all my emotions productively. He’d probably toss my papers back at me and demand that I do them over until he’s satisfied. But he’s not here, and I’m struggling to remember what he’s taught me. I half-stumble through the rest of our conversation; admitting to Professor Atiyah that I wasn’t sure where I was headed anymore. I wasn’t sure where I wanted it go. She tried to comfort me in her own small way; giving me her weary adult advice, but it barely dulls the unsettled feelings I have.

So much has changed in one semester.

Chris is so busy that he’s rarely ever home anymore and when he is it still feels like he’s not here. He’s been propositioning the Second Chance Scholarship to the student council. It’s all he talks about and he barely makes time for anything else. I’m beginning to think it’s some sort of obsession for him, like he’s trying so hard to beat Sebastian at his own game that he doesn’t care about anything else. The rest of me knows that’s silly; he just wants to do something good for Hartfeld and its students. He wants to leave his mark, and give people like Zig a second chance in life. I can respect that but not at the cost of our friendship. He’s forgetting the little things until they become big things. He forgets his chores, our meet-ups by the cafe, friday movie nights - and recently he made up some lame excuse not to come with us to Kaitlyn’s concert. He called the whole thing dumb. Dumb. We’re his friends, we’re supposed to support him no matter what but I don’t like the idea of my own experiences being chalked up as dumb in comparison very well. I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to read this and tell me that it wasn’t his intention, and that he means well. You’re going to say I shouldn’t give him such a hard time - but I’ve tried being patient. I’ve tried being the supportive friend. I’m proud of him for doing something so important, for working tirelessly  - but I’m starting to feel like we don’t matter anymore.

James isn’t doing much better either. He’s been gone for less than two weeks and already I miss him. I miss his advice, his eerie wisdom for his age and our casual meet ups that didn’t revolve around work. I know he’s trying to get settled into the Hollywood world; its demands and its sacrifices - but no matter how much he misses Hartfeld, he’d miss this opportuntity more. Our last skype call together didn’t end well. He muted himself when he thought I wasn’t looking. I know that doesn’t sound like much but I was in the middle of sharing my ramblings about our lives, all the drama and all the tension that’s been slowly stifling us. I know his work is important - but aren’t we important too? Don’t we deserve to be noticed? It’s not often that we get to talk, and I wasted all this time venting on my end with nothing but an invisible wall between us, and his shifting eyes that followed the movement of his fingers on his keyboard. We’re supposed to be able to talk to each other - no matter what, except all I can hear from him is his own constant struggles with his movie adaption. What about my own struggles? 

Kaitlyn’s the worst of it. You know me mom, Kaitlyn and I are inseparable. Normally I’m the one defending her when our other suitemates get mad at something she says or does. I deflect the snide comments with humor or brush off any kind of antagonistic behavior. She’s important to me, and nothing anyone else says should change that. But now I can barely come up with a reason to defend her anymore. She’s been spending a lot more time with her bandmates, and a lot less time with us. And by the time she gets home, we’re already getting ready to start the next day. Abbie’s right to be worried; the Kaitlyn we know now is barely recognizable. Where’s the fun-loving, hilariously adorable Kaitlyn that I used to tell everything to? We used to spend a lot of nights together, staying up late to watch horror-films, bundled in blankets and laughing at their poorly developed plots. Or the week we spent switching through different clubs in our desperate attempt to find our own place to fit in on campus. Now that she’s found her own niche, it’s just sad because I don’t see the rest of us fitting. I don’t see myself in it. I miss her, the old her.

At least things are going well for Abbie and Tyler. They’re still the only constant ship that’s sailing in our lives. Abbie spends a lot of time with Tyler and vice versa; so one is never really around without the other. I think if they ever broke up, I wouldn’t have anything worth coming home to anymore. Recently, we finally had some time to catch up, we were over due for some serious girl-talk when Abbie confessed they crossed that final intimate barrier. I’m happy for her, but the surge of jealously is hard to ignore when I can’t seem to find any luck in that department. But at least there’s still something good left at home.

Zig’s the most recent addition to our little group. Well I wouldn’t call him so much of addition except that he keeps popping up everywhere. He’s a surprisingly good listener even though I shrugged him off at first as not the type. He’s so interesting; a bundle of mysteries just waiting to be unraveled. I really hope this Second Chance scholarship works out for him. Even if he isn’t doing it for himself; maybe some day he’ll find a reason to. 

Remarkably out of everyone, Zack’s looking more and more like the greatest friend of the year. Whenever I’m feeling down - he’s already there, sketching by the roof or poking his head in my room when the door’s open. He’s there - ready and willing to listen to me. We give each other advice, and lean on each other for support. Sometimes we don’t even exchange words, sometimes neither of us wants to, and just sitting around each other, watching tv is enough. Sometimes the silence is all the comfort we need. 

There’s only a couple weeks of spring left and yet I can’t shake the feeling that the worst of it is yet to come. Maybe it’s because everything’s been so hard lately that I feel this way. In any case, I just can’t wait for the rest of the semester to be over.

Yours truly,