Oct 13, 2019
Iâm like a bird
You leaving felt like
A release
Like liberation
Seeing you again felt like
A storm
Like being caged in again
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Iâm like a bird
You leaving felt like
A release
Like liberation
Seeing you again felt like
A storm
Like being caged in again
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COTTON | 11 MAY 2017 sometimes I forgetâ¨how beautiful the world isâ¨then I see the skyâ¨the moonâ¨the sun riseâ¨and I remember again
immerse yourself
I have an 8:30 AM class in a few hours but I feel like I just need to vomit out all my thoughts. Itâs been a minute.
Reality hit me in the face Tuesday morning when I attempted an all-nighter but fell asleep at 5 AM and consequently, missed two of my classes - one of which was French where I had an Exam to take. It was the first time in awhile where I felt slow, unmotivated...like everything caved in.
But bad days happen. And thatâs quite alright. Because today was a better day. It was better because of coffee. It was better because I understood psych class. I got pizza with June & Laura. I had a really nice conversation with Frankie in my car. And I ended it all with some srat socialization via Alpha Gam. I was out. I was immersed.
I was immersed in a new environment for ten days last month. It was incredible. But the NOLA high from January has calmed down. I was riding a wave propelled by volunteering, jazz music, and a shit ton of beignets. It changed me. February has shown me that change canât bring in newfound brightness without a shift in familiarity - the comfort zone.
My comfort zone was full of work shenanigans, constant boba ventures, and the sound of my roommates screaming âHi Welcome!â as I walked through the door. That all seems too distant. And thatâs okay.
I used to be the friend that always needed to be there. Let me be there - laughing with you, crying with you, experiencing your life through my eyes and letting your happiness inspire mine. This is why I have FOMO: I fear that if I miss out on something, I miss out on you. And you in return, let me drift and let me fade until Iâm just another used-to-be.
But then I realized: youâre not always there. No one ever is. There are so many things happening in my life and in yours, and the only one ever completely experiencing that is yourself. And thatâs empowering. Here I am, immersing myself in Greek life, new opportunities, new relationships...and the cool thing about this journey is itâs all mine. And I guess I canât always be there but just know that Iâll always try. I took the Love Language test and it says I pride Quality Time and Words of Affirmation equally. So I guess thatâs why I enjoy reassurance whenever physical presence lacks.
It took awhile for me to realize all this. Life gets a bit overwhelming and you get so sure of your routine until youâre shaken out of it. And sometimes you get so satisfied in the seemingly upward direction of it all that you really think youâve beaten your demons. But Iâm not blind - I know they exist. But I do too. And thatâs enough.
I have never been so sure of who I am. This is so fuckinâ exciting.Â
23 FEB 2017 | 1:06 AM
dear journal
I'm sorry I didn't bring you with me to NOLA. It was debated between me, myself, and I - and we all decided to leave you behind. But I miss you. And I miss being alone with you. But it's finally sinking in over here. Everything has been happening, the ball has been rolling...and unfortunately I have not been keeping up with my class journal prompts but it's okay because you're still my refuge. I'm waking up to Wednesday Day #5 - holy shit that just hit me. DAY 5? Can this please never end...yeah, I'll take a moment to reflect. SATURDAY: It was surreal. Traveling alone. I had the row to myself #LIT. My flight was delayed so I arrived late. I was nervous to meet up with everyone. Driving through the French Quarter was like a fairytale. I had jambalaya pasta at an awkward dinner with everyone. We went out to Bourbon and it was cute to bond. It was really cold. Got beignets at Cafe du Monde. Ended the night with Cards Against Humanity. SUNDAY: Early morning. I was tired. We walked around the French Quarter in the brisk air. I heard live jazz music on the streets. I got Spitfire Coffee. I ate a really good hot dog @ Dreamy Weenies. Took a long bus tour around NOLA and it was such an eye-opening experience to be...there. Had dinner at Gumbo Pot - this time it was lively, less awkward. It was lovely. Today was a very lovely NOLA day. MONDAY: VERY early morning. First day of volunteering. Got cold brew and a breakfast sandwich @ a coffee shop. Got my hands dirty with my first construction work experience - scraping old paint off wooden planks. It was tiring and lunch was so satisfying. Felt accomplished and felt great even in that cold air. Went back to the shelter for class and dinner. Had a very NOLA Ăber to Chickie Wah Wah. Heard great music. Ended the night with Cafe du Monde and Long Island Iced Tea. TUESDAY: Second day of volunteering. This time we scraped the other side of the house - a lot more challenging with all that rotten wood. But the group dynamic...wtf perfect? Talking life, talking self, and singing along to music. Had another class session, had jambalaya for dinner and talked to Tyrone for a bit. Went to a quaint cafe sitting outside with Jimmy and Steph. Unexpectedly brilliant. Now I'm writing this and I promise you there's so much more to say but even that hasn't sunk in quite yet. In our class session, we discussed highs and lows. Everyone had similar highs: getting to know each other and building relationships. Isn't that brilliant? I don't know how else to put it. We met a week ago and be establishing such substantial friendships these people #WOW. Let's not even start with knowledge of self. Because I feel more developed in this short span of time I don't even know where I'll be again in another week. I've felt small and weak and isolated. But I've also felt big and strong and I don't know..like I belong. I love you NOLA. And I love this week. 11 JAN 2017 | 12:12 AM
two
I could never hate you.
You helped me save myself.
But I could never go back to what we were.
You enabled me too.
Together, we were the best and worst of ourselves.
And that dichotomy will never be resolved.
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mindless
and I think of you
even when I shouldnât
even when I know we werenât meant to be
and it hurts
to have created a version of you
so different
from who you actually are
âŞwoke up today in the dark. I fear that itâs come back to kill meâŹ
I just wish I was happier right now