#mbbbb

Soooooo Im a very logistic person. I focus heavily on logic. Always have. Which is why when I get a boyfriend, my first thought isn’t “I’m going to marry this guy.” I don’t understand people that have that thought. No hate if you do! I just don’t get it. Their ‘when’ is my ‘if’.

I know that, logically, we’ll break up before high school even ends, which is okay. Let me clarify that yeah, if I married that guy, I would love that, I would. And I’m willing to fight against the odds. But realistically, I know it’s not gonna happen.

Anyway, my logic doesn’t always lead to the best and most optimistic conclusions.

For example. I know that a lot of guys don’t want to be with me. I’m a lot. I talk so so so so much, I can go from not wanting touch at all to being attached at the hip, I have an obsession with my fandoms, everything that comes with my possible autism (social cues, overstimulation, hyperfixations, etc), my panic attacks, my overthinking, my stubbornness, my pickiness, and more. I’m not the ideal girl, and I know that.

I’m know too much for a lot of guys. For a lot of people in general. But I also know that there are some people that I’m not too much for. I can hope I’ll find someone. But it’s gonna be harder, because I’m not what a lot of guys want.

Sometimes I hate this logic, because it really upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself. I’ve been really lonely lately, and I really, really want someone in my life. I’m completely surrounded by friends with amazing, loving boyfriends. And I’m so, so happy for them. But at the same time, I can’t help but wish I had that.

I don’t get crushes very often, and the one guy I think I might actually have a crush on has liked another girl for five years (DAMN). This doesn’t exactly help my complex, even though I try to say oh well.