#may doyle

let's all be open let's all throw ourselves to the wind and fall like flowers  unfolding. i don't want to be here, but i don't want to be anywhere - all the essence of existence winds itself into a why for which the only answer is to un-become. hey, you -  hey, me -  could maybe we just cease to be (ephemerally) perhaps later let's try again to exist but for now let's be neither that nor this.

you come dripping from the ceiling as if i somehow left a leak there - but that can’t be true. i am meticulous, and oh so careful when it comes to these things. you are ever sly,  i see. or maybe (hush, now) something in me simply likes your leaking -  revels in your raining. you come dripping from the ceiling and i gaze up at that crack, staring out at your sun. staring at your stars. you are ever sky, i see.

moments like these i want to tear my own ribs out and throw my heart to the sky i want to be the wind, the wind, the wind -  away on a wisp, gone like the grey light goes after the early morning hours. i want to be the air around you, to keep you warm when you get cold, to love you when you feel alone even though you won't know i'm there. seems fair, doesn't it? i'll be but a whisper, a whisper -  (i am the wind- i love you- i'll never leave you.)

I was damned as soon as I woke up this morning to a brain filled with this dry desperate dusty babble -  nonsense. Every word. Every I miss you I wonder how you're feeling Have you gone to sleep? Rattling loosely about. I am tired; I want to shout. I want to scream And shriek Please leave me in peace! For it's not even you, But your ghost That won't let me sleep.

sometimes i wake up with dreams of crushing things aching in my mind -  my bones are metal // my spine is electric // my feet trail fire in their wake. some mornings, i am holy and untouchable; a creature born of lightning. i want to run to somewhere i've never been, somewhere that doesn't exist. when i open my mouth, no soft petals spill out -  i breathe dark matter // i will draw you in // i will be fierce and flaming.  black hole force and fearlessness. i am the danger you're drawn to; an accident imminent and unavoidable. sometimes i wake up and i am electricity incarnate.

your smile lasted half a heartbeat- but your eyes were so warm, so so sweet. "go to sleep," you said, and the "i care" sentiment rattled through my head, and thoughts of kind smiling you went along with me to bed. you tell me your troubles, your sorrows, your deepest and darkest fears. i only smile and shake my head. my lips are sewn shut, my tongue is lead. you are gentle, you are good, you are worth it- you are beautiful, i want to say. but the silly girl (who calls herself me) says nothing and lets you go away. i'm so sorry, my sunshine; forgive me, i have sinned. i did you wrong, and here i do you wrong again. you say that i'm fine as i am, but sweetheart, so are you- you always call me "adorable," but that's not me - it's you.

i want the rain that spills from your fingertips when the world is cool and green. (i want every last drop.) i want the  drip drip drops that cling to your lashes like my lungs cling to air. oops! bad analogy, i suppose -  my lungs are troubled today. likely from you and the rain. (and from the  cool cool sky and the clouds) and the  drip drip drops from your fingertips. rain, rain guess you should go away. i’m having trouble with air today.