#may dance

She said that she knows I just know but she would ask me So I could post it.

Like i said its been almost 3 years since i been talking to her and his brothers and sisters.

Unlike most memories, we did the good first from the beginning instead of me having to work backwards.

So it was all good. I liked Wacko, I thought he was nice and all that.

I liked his whole family.

And his mom would tell me that they loved me no matter how I felt about wacko, if anything changed or anything happens. She said she would always be there for me, whatever i need.

I thought it was sweet and I had no idea it would end here.

But she never told me anything bad about him. She would sometimes start a memory up and we would do it late at night before i went to sleep. So I was relaxed and all that and we only did the purest of good anyone could remember.

We established our family, instead of me just having to trust my instincts, i could trust myself and enjoy talking to her and the family because there was only pure love between us all.

Like me shaving my head so I could get a wig... Cause I wanted dark hair like theirs. I got one... And just laughing about silly stuff. Their mom doing my natural hair and the sisters washing my hair in hotel rooms. Swimming in the hotel pool with the boys. Eating in hotel rooms. Even their dad coming in for business pep talks and him getting us all together to,travel in the vans and us running wild and making him,crazy.

Always omitted the worst parts as if they didn't exist. Because in reality, they didn't matter. Doesn't matter their dad inappropriately touched me or anything of that nature. Or sometimes I would cry because i missed our dead mother (not my living bio). Just the happy.

When i had my first radio frequency ablation procedure, of course everyone was nervous... And she posted she was at the hospital. I didn't see her but i asked her whats going on with you are you ok?!? She said she just wanted me to know she was with me and everything would be okay.

And she did that often.

And we kept doing memories on and on and on until she said she ran out.

Its been at least a year. But I did need time to figure out on my own, the rest.

We still talked.

More than anything. I needed to rest. I needed to feel happiness.

So while some may think it's shitty she didn't bring me this far, i had other work to do.

And I needed a happy place. Because honestly, i didn't even have one.

She never pushed me. But she always told me, its okay if you remember something bad, you can just ask me and ill tell you the truth. But I never did. Because I just really needed a happy place where I was safe and could trust someone other than myself and Annie and Chuck.

And i needed it to stay stable.

So eventually it turned on its own. Basically we all grew up.

And evil went evil and good stayed good. And i knew good had already seen me and told me So.

And I worked on the bad, away from his mom and his brothers and sisters with the FBI. Slowly. Building the baby steps we've worked on for 5 years.

And i worked on Grandpa David Hagan. Which i posted after a time. But i kept silent about Wacko. Because I knew it was big and i knew I didn't know enough to feel like I could feel decent.

I didn't really think about the shock for his family or they may be embarrassed. I jist knew there was more than i knew and i needed to know it all before I mentioned him and i needed to know it well. I needed to own it like i never owned it before.

I mentioned here and there so people kinda knew... But I couldn't do much more than that and I was honest and said so. And ibwas angry. I was just angry. Not at anyone or anything. Just angry. Angry at myself for taking so long. Angry at everyone for letting me. Angry i felt alone. Angry I shouldn't feel alone. So angry at everything. I was angry at nothing.

And I know what the Momma said today because I know she loves me.

And that's the only reason, mixed in with the knowledge that she cares about me. She knows I've suffered. She's tried to protect ME. She nearly adopted me. And she would never support anyone hurting any one else.

The only reason she didn't adopt me was because Wacko took a knife to my throat as she washed dishes. I was 9. Because i told him if he touched me sexually, I would tell.

I did tell. On him and his dad.

And you know what I felt? Sad. I felt like the saddest person. Not because I lost another family. I was used to that. But because the truth broke her heart. And I saw it happen right in front of my eyes.

It was worse than watching my family and friends be murdered. Because they didn't have pain. They didn't suffer.

For the first time I saw pain and suffering that knew it had no ending on this woman's face who held me so gently, brushed my hair and laughed, told jokes, never hit me and smiled.

And I knew that her face wouldn't smile for a long time and she deserved smiles. She deserved happiness. She would cook the best food till her feet hurt, she was covered in flour and sweat and the kitchen was 200°

And she would smile because her family was there with her.

And the truth destroyed it.

I know her story. And I know she loves me. I know she wants us to dance. To learn how again if we forgot. And to smile while doing it.