#may 12 2012

12/05/2012

@JohannahDarling: @BrianMcFadden Hi I'm Louis' mum from 1D. Would you follow me so I can ask your advice on something via DM please. Jay x

@BrianMcFadden: @JayTommo I'm trying to follow but my phone wont let me so I'll do it when I get to my computer. [context]

12/05/2012

12/05/2012

Everything suddenly began to spin. The voices of the hospital whirred in his ears, along with the beeping of distant monitors, and the ambulance sirens nearby.  He could hear a couple of pages for doctors in rooms he couldn't make out. And he'd hoped Tootie was alright. And he told himself she was.  "Tootie's gonna be okay.  Sure she looked... No. She looked fine. She's strong.  She'll get through this."

And then he felt Fionna pull at his arm, and when his eyes met hers, his stomach dropped to the floor.  She looked at him a little too solemnly and the adventure in her eyes faded.  The blue dilated into a dark gray cloud of emptiness as she spoke quietly, "Marsh, I have a bad feeling..." And he did too but it was something he couldn't explain until he saw Mai sitting in the waiting room head in her hands, blood on her dress, and Marshall knew she wasn't sobbing for Tootie.  He wanted to walk away because watching the girl in her state was like watching an angel cry tears of blood.  As unholy as a sight it was, Marshall was not an inch curious as to why she was there in the hospital where Tootie had been admitted. And wanting to find Tootie immediately was in his first priority, but something in Fiona's arm wouldn't budge. Even a second pull couldn't tear the girl away from walking up to Mai.

"Something's not right Marshall," she let go of his hand, and if wasn't for the fear Mai had struck inside of him he would have screamed after his girlfriend and tell her to get her ass back where he was now uncomfortably standing.

And he watched.  Just watched as Fionna strolled up to Mai.  They exchanged a couple of words until Fionna covered her mouth in shock.  Her face was one of extreme horror-something he had never seen and his stomach sunk a couple of more feet under his soles as Fionna made her way back to him, sobbing uncontrollably as she did.  The panic of the worst of outcomes broke Marshall out in a sweat. And it couldn't have been Clo-- No he wouldn't ever let his mind go there. Everything was fine, he kept telling himself, but Fionna's jumbled words contradicted this. She was frantic as she ran in his arms, and she held onto him as if it were the last time she'd ever hold him, which made him feel painfully uncomfortable and he showed it in shaking the girl to come to her senses.  

All that kept coming out of her mouth was Parker.

And what the fuck was she talking about? Parker was fine, secluded even. As far away from him as possible so nothing could be wrong. Clover was still at the dance having fun.  The last time he saw her even, she was smiling and dancing and happy without him--as she should be.

"Parker didn't make it.  She's gone," Fionna choked out the words in between tears, and all Marshall could do was turn away in anger.

She had no fucking clue what she was talking about. And he'd go up to Mai right now and fuck her life up for fucking with him like that. But instead, Fionna pulled at Marshall's face.  She looked him deep in the eye, and she spoke in a calm and steady tone to finally make him understand. She made sure to look him in the eyes, and he looked back, unable to read the bullshit coming out of her mouth.  "Parker has passed away Marshall. Parker is gone, Mai just told me--"

The fear in Fionna's eyes, however, struck deep within Marshall.  There was no way this was true. There was no fucking way his girlfriend was being manipulated by Mai. And the fear turned to hate in the blink of an eye. A shove emitted from him, along with a sneer as betrayal set in. Fionna was supposed to be different. And a hatred for her grew for believing in Mai's lies,  she was just like Clover. No worse.

"Fuck off Fi, I can't hear these lies right now," and he turned away. "I'm going to find Tootie."

He walked away, Fionna's pleads in the distance, and he left her without a turn of the head. Until she yelled out a room number.  305.

He made his way to find his best friend, as his phone buzzed.  It was his cousin, Marceline, "...Where are you?"; Along with a couple of other messages. Messages from numbers he didn't know.

Messages from Hayley.

All of which confirmed what Fionna said.

So curiosity rose in Marshall as he found the courage turn around and walk up to Mai and talk to her himself.  Fionna, of course, followed, attached at Marshall's arm.  She was crying for him, just in case, it still wasn't true.  Just in case, it still was a sick joke. She could be the stupid one who fell for Mai's lies.  

Mai began, "It is true. I’m sorry, honestly. But it is true. I never wanted something like this to happen, but Parker. Is. Gone. " And the anger boiled again, but the fear of the possible veracity in her words cooled his temper as he attempted to refrain from hurting Mai like he wanted to.  "Never wanted something like this to happen??? Bull. Fucking. Shit."

She continued, "Marshall, I would never want a child to die. Let alone one that hasn’t had a chance to even live yet. I might have cruel moments, but I’m not that cruel. I care about Clover, and I cared about that baby, even if you couldn’t see it. I’m not asking you to believe my sincerity. I’m just asking you to be there for the mother of… your child."

He argued with her.  It was all he could do at the moment. He was bad for Clover, and she was right all along. There was no way she was eating her words, not now. Especially not if--

"Not now, you aren’t. She does need you now. Your child is gone, and I’m pretty sure she’s showing signs of insanity right now. Out of anyone, she said your name, Marshall. She’s worried about you."

It wasn't fair. She couldn't just break them up and then do... this. And he let her know this and he warned her, no he begged Mai to finally leave him alone. There was no way Clover needed him.

But the look in Mai's eyes... She looked up at him, tears welling, and she begged.  Something she never would ever do to Marshall, unless---

"Stop being a selfish bastard for once in your life and just do this for her, okay? She does need you. Since when have you ever listened to anything I’ve said before? Please, for God’s sake, listen to what I’m saying now, and not what I said in the past. She does need you, you idiot. Please, just go see her."

And so he made a promise to go see Clover.  Doubt still in his stomach mixed with every other emotion, and he could puke now if he could, but there seemed to be nothing in him.  Not if Parker was gone-- No. He had nothing left if that was true.

Marshall let out a shaky breath as Fionna led the way to the corridor in which Clover was supposed to be after surgery.  And how could they perform a surgery that quick? It was definitely a fucking joke. And he'd look stupid walking in a room with Fionna. There'd be a banner with the world's stupidest couple hanging from an empty hospital bed with balloons and confetti and Mai would appear and smirk, and Marshall would have to kill her. Yep. He'd have to finally end her life. And he wasn't sure how, but he would fucking kill Mai if she was lying to him now. He swore it. And Parker would definitely never see him ever again because he'd serve life in prison---

As if to stop all his negative thoughts, Hayley came into view. She had been crying and Marshall knew it had to have been true. Hayley wouldn't be in on the sick joke, yet again the anger rose, because what if she was?

She nagged, they argued, and in between they had a conversation in which Hayley fully convinced Marshall to walk in that stupid door.

Her words, in his mind as he walked to the door, 305, "Parker is DEAD. She’s dead. And you can’t just let it go and be in denial like that. You’re hurting all you have left of her and that’s CLOVER.  Marshall. The first thing that came out of her mouth was your name. Not mine. Yours. You know why? PARKER WAS YOUR CHILD. SHE WAS YOURS AND CLOVER’S."

It was then, hearing Hayley say it--Parker was his.  Up until that moment he had never truly felt that way, and hearing her finally say that-- it broke Marshall. And he finally let the tears well up, but he disguised them as angry tears because he couldn't have anyone know that his heart was still broken at the thought of him and Clover and Parker-- A family. Fine.

Hayley played her cards right. Marshall would go see Clover. Not for anyone else- not even himself, but for Clover, because he still loved her.

And Fionna must have realized that his heart was on the floor a sopping mess because of Clover, because she disappeared from his view, once his eyes fell on the number 305.  The window curtains were drawn shut, but he knew Clover was in there. And he would have turned away and ran, but a deep voice stopped him. Assuring him that it was okay, oddly enough.  

Raven, from the look of it, was guarding the door.  Protecting Clover from any harm, and it should have been obvious if it wasn't already that Marshall was harm, but she stated,  "She needs you, Marshall Lee."

And it was Raven's words that finally brought him to the reality of the situation.  Never in his whole life would he ever think he'd hear Raven say anything of the sort.  She wasn't ever particularly verbal with the boy, and there was no way in hell the girl would ever believe Clover needed Marshall unless...

And finally, he asked what happened.

"It was stillborn."  

Raven didn't look at Marshall as she said this. And instantly Marshall wanted to be at Clover's side. And after a couple of words, he was allowed in by Rae herself.

Finally, he gulped, took a deep breath, and walked in.  The door made a soft creaking noise, which didn't stir the girl.  Clover was in her stunned state. And his heart broke all over again, as he felt the same pain she felt. Once again they felt the same emotion. Once again they were one.  He couldn't do anything else but stare at the floor.  Looking at her was all too painful.  At first sight, she looked rigid, weak, broken. She looked like he felt. And for once the pretty on her faded, it seemed all too impossible. He couldn't see her like this.  He didn't want to.  He didn't deserve to. And then she had to have noticed him because her voice broke the stare from linoleum to her hazel eyes.  "Marsh...all"  She wore a confused face as if he wasn't supposed to be there. As if she didn't expect him to be there.  Maybe she knew him all too well, because, again if it were up to him he wouldn't be there, but he had to be strong. For her. He had to be there of all places. With her.

"C-clo-" His voice cracked.  His voice hitched. For the first time in a long time, he let his guard down and let out a cry.  It was involuntary, and he tried to calm his tears with a sniffle.  "Y-yeah it's me."  He let a couple of tears fall, "I c-can leave... if you want." And he instantly turned for the door, because why in the hell would she want him there? Everyone was wrong. They had to be, and that was the true joke of the whole evening, Clover actually wanting him there by her side.  As if. But he watched the girl shake her head, and instead she confirmed the folly in his insecurities, "Stay, ple--.ease."  

The sound in her voice scared him, the helpless sound that echoed against the blank white walls. Nothing prepared him for that moment, and again he thought about darting for the door because he didn't deserve to see Clover like this---especially at his own hands.  This was all his fault.  

He mustered up the courage to pull up a chair, and sit with her. He thought to grab her hand, stroke her cheek, pull her hair out of her face but all he could do was cry at his own failures. Unable to look at her, he buried his face into his hands. As he finally began to mourn the loss of their tiny family.

He could hear her cries too, and that wasn't what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be here for her not make her cry. Why was he always fucking up?  "Be here for her Marsh," he told himself.  But there he was just a boy, heart missing, but a boy.

"I... I am... sorry." Clover spoke in between her sobs.  Her voice was hoarse from crying, and by the sound of it proabaly a ton of screaming. Marshall winced at the thought of any and all possible physical pain she had been through.  And was she still in pain?  He realized how selfish he truly was, sure he was in pain, but she---she had to go through it. And god damn it why wasn't he there for her? Why couldn't he have been there? Why was he so blind to all that was important to him--- her. Just her, and Park--- Why couldn't he be the one in pain? It was his to endure after all this.

He shook his head a little too violently. "Don't be sorry.  It's not your fault. It's my fault. I'm the one who's sorry." He was able to keep his breathing smooth in between his sentences, only for a minute, because he meant every single word he spoke.  The conviction in his voice was true.  He believed it.  He should have been with Clover, instead, he was too busy with Fionna. The thought of it made his stomach feel sick---the thought that maybe Clover was right in her assumptions about his best friend after all.  But she had to have known she was blinded by Mai.  She had to know that he would have done anything to go back to their happiness.  It all seemed meaningless, actually.  Being fooled by everyone in thinking he was never good enough to be with Clover, and now as he sat there next to her---

He continued to hide his tears as they streamed down his face with the sleeve of his Spring Fling coat.  As if to pause his thoughts, Clover spoke, "No... I shouldn't have--- played into the paranoia, because of what I did; Parker--" And as her voice broke, together they cried.  But he had to let her know the truth.

"No... Clo... I should have been here.  You needed me... And I wasn't here." There was anger in his voice. Not for Clover, not for Mai, not for Raven nor Hayley. It was for himself. And now was the time that Marshall would finally own up to his own mistakes.  He was going to take responsibility for this, goddamnit. She would not blame herself for this. She did everything right, including keeping him away.

"Stop it.." And he looked up at her as she shook her head. "I pu-put all the stress on myself. I-it wasn't you."

Marshall would never believe her.  He was conditioned to believe otherwise.  He wouldn't believe otherwise.  He never tried. It was true, and it was that idea that tore him apart as he pulled his knees to his chest.  And it should have meant something, Clover sharing the burden. Sharing the responsibility, but it didn't.  He wouldn't let her feel any guilt.  "I didn't try," He whispered silently crying to himself. 'I never tried."

His crying must have triggered something in Clover. For she matched him in a fit of sobs.  "W-what am I going to do now? I-I don't know how to not be pregnant anymore. Parker---" She moved her hands down to her stomach, and Marshall watched. His heart broke all over again, and he winced at the sound of Parker's name. And he winced in thinking when the last time he, himself had put his hand on her stomach.  It was so long ago.  The thought of not seeing Clover pregnant tomorrow--- He didn't know how to even imagine that. And how was she just going to adjust over a night?  All he could provide was a small pathetic, "I... don't know.."

Clover continued, she spoke in a haze, "All that stuff... it's still in my.."  

She closed her eyes, letting out a shaky breath unable to finish her sentence, and Marshall couldn't hear anymore. This couldn't be real. He couldn't hear Clover talking about this. She had to be pregnant still. He had to be dreaming. Would he wake up soon? How much pain would he endure? And he swore when he woke up he'd run to Clover and hug her and tell her he was sorry for every fucking thing he'd ever done. And he'd break it off with Fi-- if it meant him being able to see Clover again, and make sure she was okay.

"This isn't real... She's fine."

And was the ground spinning? And why did his head hurt? And why couldn't he sit still? Was this what a panic attack felt like? And there was a buzzing noise in his ear. And was that real too?  Was that Clover's hand or was he imagining it?

"I just wanna wake up now. Please let me wake up now."

Finally, Clover's touch snapped him back into reality.  He took her hand in his and squeezed it.  

And she looked at him with nothing else to say but, "We're awake."

And Marshall wanted to die then and there because he saw the true sadness in her eyes. And she too hated the fact that this wasn't a dream.  

And he knew he would never be able to make it up to Clover, nor his little girl.  They were both gone.  Away from him, all because of his stupid irresponsible, selfish mistakes. So finally, he did the only thing that felt right, and wrapped his stupid arms around his ex-girlfriend and sobbed in her arms, clinging to her as he did. He repeated his apologies, but he knew they couldn't mean that much.  Their child was gone and all he could do was cry.

Clover held on tight too, and again they were one. It was all Marshall needed in the moment, and it took him so long to realize that all he ever needed was Clover. And finally, he was raw with her.  Intimate, and he didn't realize how comforting the smell of her hair was until he buried his face in a couple of strands in her messy locks. It was all coming back.  His love for her.  All in a rush.  To be honest, it never left. And once his heart felt hers beat against his, he felt safe. Right where he belonged.

Together their hearts were broken.  Together they cried. Together they shook in breathy sobs.  Together they cried, "Our baby".

And it was all Marshall needed to hear.  Parker was his.  Hayley was right. And Clover's confirmation followed "I.. I wouldn't have kept her away from you; you know?...s-she would have loved you."

And they broke down again into a fit of sobs.

Marshall tried to speak with her about the topic, and he could tell it was hard for her too, In between breaths, he had to ask,"Y-you... really?"

He took a moment from speaking to calm his breathing.  He rested his head on her shoulder, and she squeezed him tightly assuring she wouldn't have.  And Marshall uttered out another apology as they continued to soothe each other. Gaining an ounce of closure, and who knew all they had to do was finally talk.  As hard as it was they spoke. And what was their excuse previously?

"It's okay..." she spoke, her breath against his neck as she leaned on his shoulder.

But it wasn't okay.  This shouldn't have happened. He should have spoken with her more.  He should have been verbal with her. More appreciative. More responsible.

And he should wake up because this nightmare was too real.

No, it was real. It wasn't okay, and Marshall had to leave, it was too much contact for him already. And what would Fionna say if she knew he wanted to spend the night-muchless every night following- making sure Clover was alright?  And how could he even possibly think that being with Clover would fix things between the two? And it wasn't fair for him to want her again, after all of the pain he caused just that night and the previous nights before and so he decided to leave.

"It's not okay," he frowned.  "I should go now.  I should-- I should let you sleep. You must be exhausted."  With every word he slowly pulled away from her, unable to look at her as he said so.  He would leave now, slowly, without anymore words. Without an explanation. And hopefully, from here on out she'd be happy without him.

It was a price he had to pay.  When you love someone, you let them go.

She gave him a frown, but he refused to see it as he wiped his face with his sleeve one last time.

Sleep, for her.

They said their goodbyes.

And as got up to leave, he took one long look back.  Lingering at the door way, his brow furrowed, his lip quivered, and his heart broke as he watched the girl he previously loved, and would probably always love sink in her bed. It was all his fault.

"You... can stay if you want to," she offered, but there was no way he'd allow himself to.  Even though every fiber in his being told him to stay with Clover--that it was right to stay with Clover. It all felt wrong.