#mau1ed

it was normal for the two of them to be in the locker room alone. they'd often stay back after the team left and just talk. but that's just what best friends did ... wanting to be around each other all of the time that was. there was something in the air, though. van had been on and off teasing her all day. taissa had acted like she didn't mind it. it was stupid, anyways. she knew the other always wanted to crack a joke and what was even a better joke compared to the constant stream of teasing that taissa liked one of the girls in their class? it was so ridiculous. taissa turner was too good for crushes. she was too mature. who even had time for anything like that? certainly not taissa, who was more concerned about winning every soccer game and acing all her classes. having a crush on anyone let alone a girl was silly.

it's not like she hadn't thought about it though. sometimes she'd look at van and wonder if that's what people were talking about when they'd gushed about some boy. but then she'd try and be rational ... tell herself that she didn't need more drama. who knows what the other girls on the team would say? van palmer was her best friend. her teammate. they didn't live in some fantasy world. she wonders why the teasing had come out of nowhere, a pit in her stomach and a feeling of defensiveness clouding her thoughts. it was a joke. van didn't mean any of it, she's sure of that.

❛ you want me to make you some coffee? ❜

eyes burn, head in her hands. she knows that she slept the night before and she knows van had let her sleep in - taissa had woken up on the couch - ALONE, her bones aching. there's a pain in her head that she can't quite access ... unaware that she had spent the night before wandering around the apartment, sleepwalking. there's a part of her that assumed, but van would tell her. she knows this.

jesus, have you been awake the entire night?

sure, taissa had felt anxiety before. she knew what it felt like to be so scared that she couldn't breathe. but this was something else. the fear that flew throughout her body and mind every time she thought about sleeping was paralyzing. she'd spent the whole night laying there, pretending to sleep. she knew that van would watch her to make sure that she wasn't going anywhere. even being extremely grateful didn't erase the fact that she didn't want to be a burden anymore. tired eyes look towards van, a soft smile on her face. taissa wants to lie. but her girlfriend would see right through her, like she always had.

even years of therapy can't fully stop the way that jackie overthinks the tone of van's voice, the sharpness of the words catching all her battered, frayed edges. she wants to shrug it off, wants to think she's beyond these feelings now, but being around them all has a way of taking her right back to her high school insecurities.

this is why she skipped the reunions.