#mataglap

(also: I adore Finch. he's perfect.)

it IS!! i can never bring myself to let him ascend because i just can't put myself him through that

Chapter 10: Substitute- Part 3 [final part] of “Acceptable Substitute” by mataglap (author blog @mataglap)

Ship: McHanzo (Overwatch)

Fic Rating: Explicit

Part Length: 18:00

First Part    

Acceptable Substitute Tag

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We made it! Our goal was to record more longer fics and at +5.5 hours I’d say this qualifies 😉

As someone of slavic origin who will ALWAYS and FOREVER struggle with articles, I don't think your Zarya is any more cartoonish/stereotypical than she is in game. We *do* struggle with the goddamn particles a lot.

Thanks for telling me this!! And if this is you ‘struggling’ then BOY *side-eyes your expertly written fics enviously*

1. The skin I have them in

Scavenger

2. My fav skin of theirs

Scavenger, I think. Though I like Cruiser a lot

3. Their highlight intro

Selfie, of course.

4. Fav emote to use

Bunny Hop

5. Fav voice line

None. I cannot stand her voice. I’m so sorry, Charlet Chung.

6. How often to I use this character

Never unless it’s Mystery Heroes. I have no goddamn idea how to play her.

7. What I hope to see from them in the future

This is a crucial part, I’m so glad you picked it! I’ll try to extrapolate without Spoilers.

So what we know for sure at this point is that 1) Hanzo is acting as a double-agent, working for Talon to learn more about them, ostensibly for OW’s sake but, let’s be real, OW very much did not ASK him to do this. 2) He very much did not expect to see Jesse at Rune’s meeting. 3) He realizes that he’s been pining for Jesse for a long time, but not only does he Mostly dismiss his own feelings as products of loneliness/horniness/other ‘weak’ aspects of his nature, he also doesn’t believe that he deserves Jesse. He’s NEVER believed it. Even in the cave in ch.5, he wasn’t planning to run away into the sunset with the guy – he was already certain that he was going to leave Gibraltar. And he already assumed that all Jesse wanted from him was a quick fuck, so he drunkenly decided, Why Not – at least it’ll be on My terms. It wasn’t until he got surprised, until he learned that he wasn’t 100% in control of the situation, that he freaked out and left. (Control is a big issue in my characterization of Hanzo, maybe his biggest.)

So there’s a LOT of internal warring going on within Hanzo (which is basically the subtitle of this fic lmao). One the one hand, he wants Jesse, he Knows that he wants Jesse, and he knows that he Takes what he wants, but he also knows that he doesn’t deserve Jesse, or love, or anything good/lasting. He also thinks that, even though he deserves all of Genji’s ire/vengeance, Genji probably exaggerated the story of his own murder during his angry rant post-Talon-attack, and Hanzo’s never been good about NOT shutting Genji down when he’s Wrong – especially when that exaggeration is making Jesse treat him mean (hence chapter 10’s sparrow comment). He also has a job to fulfill that he thinks is in Jesse’s (and OW’s) best interest, but he can’t possibly TELL Jesse about it, because that would entail a degree of trust and an ability to relinquish control that Hanzo just ain’t got. So he has to continue lying to the man he’s crushing on, but he’s too much of a King to deny himself the impulse to flirt, but he doesn’t want to go too far, but he’s missed Jesse so badly – like I said, internal warring. (Echoing little-Jesse’s milkshake revelation: why shouldn’t he have what he wants?) Que the self-sabotage theme. (I could go on about The Mind of Hanzo Shimada but I’m trying so hard to keep this short lol)

So in this scene, Hanzo experiences a genuine moment of nostalgic fondness, only for Jesse to shut him down with Western Judgment. And he knows it’s the right thing for Jesse to do. He didn’t believe in Jesse’s initial level of interest in him in the first place; mostly because it seemed flagrant and indiscriminate, but also because Hanzo doesn’t believe anyone could possibly know what he did to Genji and still feel attraction towards him – particularly someone who was Genji’s friend directly after the Incident. So now he’s kind of “accepted” that Jesse has come to his senses about Hanzo’s character (or lack thereof), and he even respects Jesse’s adherence to his principles. BUT he’s also not going to just roll over and act like a guilty dog for the rest of the job. He has no use for guilt or self-pity – they won’t restore his honor. He’s got work to do.

He’s basically throwing Vasu’s words at Jesse: “you’re doing the right thing by judging me harshly for what i’ve done, but you’re ruining your life by doing so, because I’m The Shit.” OR, “you’re right, but you’re ruining MY life, because I want you so badly.” OR, he’s just saying her words to himself, because he’s re-living that night in Kolkata and the message that he left for Jesse that Jesse will never get to hear and oh man I made myself sad again

I mean, when I couldn’t get out of a writer’s block, I wrote porn, and next thing I knew it had 10 chapters