For @gentapprenticesĀ - Day 4Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
There is a letter safely tucked into a handmade, beautifully illustrated book placed under the cushions of a wandering magicianās tent. Written in neat, elegant Nopali script, the letter is a little rumpled, as though the magician in question had been reading it over and over, as though heād fallen asleep under the stars with it pressed to his chest, as though heās traced every word with his fingers so many times that it formed little crevices on the paper. It reads:
Weāve spent so many nights -talking and brewing and reading cards, and I donāt think thereās a lot thatās gone untold between us, as Iām sure you know. Iām not in the business of keeping secrets, especially not from you, so I donāt know how I went this long without telling you. Maybe I was nervous, maybe I didnāt want to make things weird between us, or maybe I just didnāt want to hear that you donāt feel the same but- itās you, and youāve never judged me for anything, even the things Iāve judged myself for. Iāve told you about the times Iāve messed up my spellwork, and you just laughed with me, and not at me, and told me that it happens to everyone. (The Boss says the same, but itās easier to believe things when it comes from you, already. Donāt tell her that, though, sheāll get mad). Iāve told you about the time I accidentally set free a herd of cattle from a Venterran dairy pasture and you just thought it was funny and cool, that I was sweet for helping them back home. Iāve told you about the shitty, embarrassing things Iāve done, all the magic that never comes to me, and youāve only smiled and reminded me of all the other things I could do, and told me what you knew about the ways to get around it. Iāve told you about everything that happened- everything that I did in those first two years after my parents died, and you always, always understood. I could lay open the worst of me and youād still listen to me, still remind me of whatās important, and youāve never, not once, had a problem listening to anything Iāve had to say.
So forgive me, if my keeping this a secret makes you feel like I donāt trust you with my feelings- or my secrets. I promise, I do. Itās just, itās a hard thing to say, all of a sudden, even if Iāve said the words so many times, whispered them to myself, even said them to you, every time we said hello and goodbye. Iām scared, but you deserve the world, and surely then you deserve my courage too, so Iām gathering it up, every little bit of it, to tell you what Iām going to tell you. Iām scared, but even if you donāt feel the same, I know you wonāt judge me for it. So, no pressure, please. Whatever happens, we can talk everything out, and no matter how everything pans out, thereās going to be no hard feelings. Itās not like me to take so much time in a letter to get to the point, no? Meanderingās more your style, hehe. So, allow me, though youāve probably guessed already where this is going.
I love you as my best, dearest, cleverest, most wonderful friend, and I love you as something else, too. I wonāt lie- Iāve been in love before, you know I have, but I promise, now Iām wondering if everything Iād felt back then was love, because nothing, nooneās- made me feel quite like you have. I donāt know when it happened, maybe it was the moment I met you, when you wandered into the shop in your too-big hat and your too-long scarf. Maybe it happened later, when we both sat by the steps and stretched our legs onto the road and you took a few sips of the brew I made and called me a āgreat magician,ā when you read my cards and you blushed when The Lovers slipped out of the deck to land between us. (Maybe theyāve been saying something to you, so maybe youāve already been expecting this. Well if youāve been waiting too long, Iām sorry. The Boss tells me itās not like me to pine in silence for this long, and I agree). Maybe it was even later, when we began to swap stories and you told me about how you grew up and I told you about how I did, and then we talked about magic and read books together and you asked me to teach you how to brew what I did and how to read tea leaves. Maybe it was little by little, and maybe it was all at once, but what I know, for sure, beyond even the tiniest shadow of doubt, is that in the time between then and now, Iāve fallen hopelessly, wonderfully, in love with you. I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to hold you and take care of you and help you sleep when you canāt, and wipe away your tears when you cry, and make you brews when youāre sick and kiss you and, well, a lot of things, that could fill several letters, but you get my point. I want to be there for you, and I want you to be there for me, like we are, now, but even more. I want us to stay together, and travel together, but also go home and cuddle up beside each other in that embroidered woolen quilt (another oneās in the works, by the way!). I want to knit sweaters for Faust with you, and I want us to cook and bake together, and wherever I go, I want us to introduce each other as āmy lover.ā
I want to learn with you, and from you, and I want you in every way, the best of you and the worst of you, and everything in between, and I canāt think of a single thing, good or bad, thatās impossible to love in you. I love you, I love you, and fuck, it feels so good to write it down and just know that youād read it. It feels like a weight lifted right out of my chest, already. Even just writing to you makes me feel lighter, you know. Youāre wonderful.
I always thought that a little bit of my heart died with Umma and Vaapa. Turns out I was wrong. I donāt know if Iād been wrong all along or if you really made my heart grow two sizes. Wouldnāt put it past you.
Thereās so much more I want to tell you- you deserve to hear everything, everything that Iām feeling about you, over and over and over again. But I want to see you when I say all of that, and I need to know that youād like to hear it. I want to hold your hands and look into your beautiful eyes, and tell you every last thing I love about you.
Look at me, rambling. You have that effect on me too. The Boss says I havenāt shut up since I saw you, and I think sheās exaggerating, but I also donāt think sheās wrong.
Again, please. Please donāt feel any kind of pressure to reply in a certain way, or anything. Iād be over the moon if you feel the same, and if youāre willing to give this a shot, but if you arenāt, thatās okay, too. I know you hate being tied down or bound to things you donāt want to bind yourself to, so- take your time, and just be honest with me, whatever it is. If you donāt have an answer for now, thatās fine too, just let me know.
I want you to be happy and safe no matter what, and I want to make you feel happy and safe, no matter who we become to each other. Ma always told me that love doesnāt have to be big things. That itās only leaving each otherās world a little better than it was alone. And I think weāve already done that- at least you have, for me. My world is a lot lovelier because youāre in it, and I hope Iāve done a little bit of that for you, too.
The Boss has agreed to let me keep shop here permanently, as you know. Iāve been shifting all my things to Vesuvia in bits and pieces, and Iām positive that, by the time you come back from this trip of yours, Iāll be nice and settled in, and we can have a chat about all of this over tea and biscuits, if you want.
Oh, how selfish of me. How is that trip of yours going? I know the deserts are nothing new to you, but feel free to drop by Asvinās place if you need somewhere to stay. You wonāt have to spend a thing, and you know he likes you. Itās a windy season, so be sure to take care of your skin and eyes. Apply those lotions Iāve given you, okay? And cover up enough at night, donāt catch a cold, and wear your protective charms. And please, please donāt go around following every strange superstitious local legend you hear. Some of those people chatter so much white noise just to be heard, and a lot of it isnāt even true.
Iām excited to see you again, I know youāll have a lot of stories when you get back. Ā Golden sand is great for the rituals that youāre aiming for, Iāve heard. Youāre an amazing magician, and I love how much you love to keep learning. It makes me want to learn more too. But I hope, a little selfishly, that you donāt take too long.
Whenever youāre ready to see me, you know where to find me. Iāll be right there, at the counter, arranging charms or chatting up clients. (Or in the backroom, maybe, but we all know who they go to for cards.) Iām brushing up on my Vesuvian, to deal with customers better, and you know Iām a professional. (Thereās also a list of places I want us to go together, if youād like to. Have you had that bakerās pumpkin bread? I swoon.) Ā
So, to summarize: I love you.
Give Faust a boop from me, and let her know my wide shoulders are just asking to be squeezed, and the jar of treats on the counter is full to the brim, waiting to be opened. I miss her as much as I miss you, and I canāt wait to see how much longer sheās grown.
I hope to see you soon, Asra.
