Finding Memories. Chapter 4.
Series Summary: Waking up with little to no memory of her past, and being saved by a group of individuals who call themselves heroes, sends a long time captive for a whirlwind trying to find some form of grounding in this world she quickly learns runs on chaos. But sheâs not the only one trying to figure out her forgotten backstory. Bucky Barnes, along with the other Avengers, canât help but sense that there is a lot more to the whole situation than a diagnosis of amnesia. Her background slowly starts to come forward in pieces of her past and hidden information discovered. Who is she? And why was she in the room they were meant to destroy?
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x ReaderÂ
Chapter Word Count: 3400+
TW: Torture, cussing, and blood.Â
A/N: I finished chapter five yesterday, and am currently working on chapter 6 after I post this. Also, Happy New years! I hope this upcoming year is everything you all manifested and hope for. Itâs all about setting those intention and acting as if the things you want are already happening for you:) Love you all and hereâs to 2023! xoxoxox
Chapter 4:
A week and three days at the compound had passed. Y/N had become more comfortable with her environment and had been introduced slowly to a few more members of the team.
Parker had been a little overwhelming at first, but quickly his dorkiness and clumsy side showed he wasn't a threat to her. If anything, he was more helpful in the pop culture area than he had been for the 100-year-old soldier.
When he was doing history homework at the kitchen island one night after a meeting, Y/N's curiosity brought her to him and she learned about the different wars including the Cold War, WWI, and WWII. Of which Bucky and Steve had a few comments on when Peter knew just the right questions to ask to bring up stories.
Wanda had shown Y/N how to cook a few simple and easy meals in case she was hungry and didn't want to microwave a frozen meal. Oatmeal, soup, and grilled sandwiches of different varieties had become favorite ways for her to have some independence.
Nat helped her add to her wardrobe besides sweats and sweatshirts that only held up for a short-term stay, whereas her stay was looking to be longer and longer due to no updates in her case.
It gave her a chance to try out some new style pieces even if they were only for casual and lounge-type situations. It was better than the gray and black sweatpant materials for all articles of clothing she had been wearing the first few days here.
She was still discovering her likes and dislikes from all the different genres of fashion, but at the end of the day, she liked the simple yet comfortable look.
One night, Wanda, Nat, and herself spent the majority of their movie night just online shopping for her new wardrobe with Tony's credit card.
Bucky had walked in and seen the James Bond movies Nat was obsessed with playing in the background as the three were pointing out different websites and styles they thought she would like. The exploding car on the giant movie screen did nothing to pull the three away from the smaller screen in front of them.
And on the nights Y/N had enough energy and enough people were there, the team would host a movie night in the theater room and each took turns sharing their favorite movie with her in hopes to add to their fan club.
Nat stuck with a different variation of James Bond movies for the most part, wanting to show the differences in actors and how they carry out the idolized role of 007. That and to make note of where she got the inspiration for some of her moves.
Wanda stuck to old 50's films or movies that were set in that decade. She had a love for the classics, but she was moving through her favorite decade movies the more movie nights they had.
Steve chose historical movies but was kind enough to do historical fiction to please the boos and annoyed grumbles from his friends.
Sam's choices ranged from classics that everyone needed to see, to rom-coms from the 90s. He argued that his sister was the reason he had started watching them, and he didn't really care to stop.
And the Parker kid... His were all old 70's and 80's sci-fi movies. Bucky never quite understood them, but they were interesting concepts. At this point, he had fought space aliens and Star Wars just seemed odd after that.
Bucky never suggested a movie as he was just happy to see that Y/N was truly comfortable with the team about a week in. It was impressive how fast she trusted them, but also it's hard to be shocked by how fast it all happened when you had a team like theirs.
Right now, Wanda and Y/N were out on a walk around the compound. They found themselves scheduling times to walk and talk by the waterside behind the facility. Wanda was also one to know what it was like to be experimented on in a lab. Though her situation was different, as she had volunteered, it didn't mean that trauma for her reasoning and what happened after didn't affect her.
Bucky could see them walking back into the compound from the seat by the window he was at. He put his book down and slowly started making his way to the kitchen.
Steve had walked in shortly before him and was grabbing a protein shake from the fridge.
"Hey, I thought you were going to meet me in the gym earlier," Steve spoke up, removing his headphones which sat on his neck after spotting his friend.
"Yeah, sorry, I needed to run an errand," Bucky replied, moving to lean on the island opposite him.
"All good. I figured something came up," Steve waved off, taking a long drink.
"Hey, quick question," Bucky spoke up. Steve hummed for him to continue. "You don't think it's too early to take her out in public do you?"
"Y/N?" Steve questioned, even though he knew to whom he was referring.
"Yeah, I just don't want to freak her out if she's not ready for that," Bucky explained.
"Well, I don't think it's a bad idea. But why exactly do you want to?" he asked.
"We haven't got any updates on her since Bruce got back to me on the blood analysis. As you know, Nat said the system crashed while she was hacking it and wiped half of the memory on it. The little bits and pieces of her case have been sorted through with a fine-toothed comb. We're running out of things to narrow down what happened to her and what the purpose of her being the weapon could be." Bucky sighed as he said his thoughts aloud and continued to think about what he could do. "Her memory isn't getting much better."
"That's not true," Steve nodded off, twisting the cap to his drink back on, and walked to get a glass of water. "She remembered her birthday the other day and she hadn't even seen her own file."
"True, but information-wise, that was something we already knew," Bucky shrugged.
"But it's still a part of the process," he countered and Bucky shut down as he thought more. "Look, it's like you said. The safer her environment and the more comfortable she becomes in who she is and where she is, she'll start to unlock some of those memories."
"That's the thing, the stuff we need to unlock aren't necessarily the things I want to unlock..."
Steve could see the hurt and conflict on his friend's face. He knew in order to help her and everyone around her, the ugly things would have to be sorted through first. They were at a standstill when it came to the next step in the investigation. With most of the data lost, it meant they needed to find a different route around it.
One of those options being to provoke her trauma and have her relive it to get details from it.
"Then start small. Think of a place that's public, but gives you a sense of peace still. What's a place you would go to clear your mind, but also helps ignite some deeper thoughts?" Steve offered a solution.
Bucky hesitated as nothing came to mind immediately then it sparked in him.
"I think I have a place," he replied.
Perfect timing, Wanda and Y/N walked into the kitchen.
"Hey, guys," Wanda greeted.
"Hey," Steve replied. "How's the weather out today?" he asked in casualty.
"It's chilly, but nothing too bad," she answered, grabbing fruit from the basket on the counter. "Y/N and I found that duck family on the pond again."
"About time for them to head south soon, huh?" Steve continued.
"Give or take a week," she nodded, peeling an orange. "What are you guys up to?"
Bucky watched as Y/N did her best to blend into the background of the group and not stick out. She may be comfortable with them, but trauma doesn't heal overnight. Her need to not be a centerpiece was a behavior developed from being under constant surveillance most of her past.
"I'm about to head down to the lab to talk with Stark and Banner about something," Steve answered. "Which reminds me, I think there was something Bruce wanted to ask your opinion on. Wanna go down there with me?"
Bucky knew it was his friend's way to give him and Y/N a second to talk, but it was subtle and no one picked up on the actual reason for his invitation.
"Yeah, sure," Wanda nodded, quickly throwing away the peel and saying goodbye to the two as she followed the blonde.
"How are you feeling today?" Bucky asked after a few seconds of silence.
The night before, Bucky had heard sounds coming from her room that sounded as though things were crashing and breaking. He had knocked, but never actually waited for a response as he knew something wasn't right.
She was having a nightmare that initiated a panic attack upon waking up.
He had noticed as soon as he walked in that the lamp on her bedside table had been pushed off and shattered on the ground. She was still on the bed asleep, but before he could make it to her bed, she jumped up and was panting for air.
Her eyes were scanning the room for threats and upon seeing a large dark frame in the corner, she reached for something to protect her and managed to throw a remote at Bucky.
Her aim was surprisingly accurate for being in such a state of distress and for being in the complete dark, but Bucky was quick and caught it before it could hit him square in the eyes.
Once she recognized who he was, her adrenaline came crashing down quickly triggering a panic attack from everything put together.
He had to console her but realized quickly she didn't want to be touched. He kept his distance at the end of the bed as she curled into herself and he coached her through a breathing exercise.
About 45 minutes later, he could hear her heart rate slow down to a normal speed. Once he knew she wasn't in a high alert stage anymore, he offered a drink of water to help calm her nerves some more, but all she asked was that he stayed in the room. He still kept his distance but understood that she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts.
He was just glad he could be some form of peace in those types of moments even if the most he could do was sit and help her from the sidelines.
The event seemed to make her quieter this morning and afternoon. He contemplated if today would be a good day to even try Steve's idea.
She cleared her throat and nodded before answering.
"I'm doing better. Every other day I have a night like last night and it just leaves me pretty tired the next day..." Made sense. "I think I may need a change in routine truthfully," she added.
It was the perfect window to suggest his idea and he was slightly surprised that she was the one to ignite the solution.
"I was actually wondering if you'd be up for somewhere outside the compound," he hinted.
Her eyebrows raised at that.
"In New York?" she questioned.
"I have a place in mind and don't think it'll be too overstimulating," he noted. "I know that it's a big step from a place you just got your groundings in, but I'm hoping maybe it'll help with your memories as well."
"What did you have in mind?" She had a look of interest and Bucky knew he had her attention.
________________________
After getting changed for a public outing, Bucky grabbed a car from the garage and helped her in.
It was nice seeing her normal day-to-day clothes that she had a choice in. Her style was simple yet classic as Bucky could best put it.
She had put on a pair of high-waisted jeans with a gray turtleneck sweater tucked in and a cropped winter coat that fell just below her waistline. Her hair was down and had a slight wave to it from brushing it out after the shower and sleeping on it.
She looked like a normal civilian and a part of Bucky's heart was happy that she could have that experience now.
The ride there was pretty quiet for the most part. Bucky noticed Sam had left a CD in the car from a past trip and Y/N took in her surroundings while listening, deciding if she liked each song or not.
Bucky eventually found parking and came around her side to open the door for her. Whereas she would normally leave enough space between her and those around her to have room to escape if need be, Bucky noticed that she was a lot closer to him now in the new crowds.
It made sense as he was the only one she knew the intentions of while walking on the crowded sidewalk in New York.
Luckily the place they were going to wouldn't be as crowded and was just around the corner.
Bucky paid for their tickets and thanked the worker in the booth. He could tell she knew the place they were in from reading the sign outside, but her eyes showed she wasn't quite sure if she had actually been to an Art Museum before.
"What are you thinking?" he asked when he handed her the ticket and paused with her as she took in her surroundings.
"Hmm?" she hummed as if being brought out of her thoughts. "Oh, um." She paused trying to think. "Something about this atmosphere seems..."
He had become used to her sentences never being completed as most of the time she never quite knew how to put things into words.
"Familiar?" he asked.
"I guess something like that," she shrugged looking back at him.
"I'm hoping we can help figure out what makes it familiar," Bucky replied. "And if not, then it's just a new experience you get to add to your story."
Y/N smiled at his patience with her. She felt amity about the man in front of her that allowed her to lower her walls just a little more with each moment she spent with him.
"Have you been here before?" she asked, nodding to the gallery that waited in front of them.
"A few times," he answered. "There are a few pieces I want to show you once we get past these if you're up for it."
"Lead the way," she approved, staying a close step behind him as he began walking toward the art.
They got through about three different rooms of modern and portrait types of art. There were a few sculptures and abstract pieces as well.
Though she was intrigued by the forms of media, nothing seemed to spark much of her past...
What Bucky did notice though was her trait as an observer was still prevalent. With each piece of art she was intrigued by, she took the time to read the backstory, the artist's thoughts, and how they went about the piece from their perspective.
She made comments about the ones that were inspired by loved ones or someone close to the artist, saying things about how sweet and nice it is to see that type of love in the world. It was actually one of the same reasons Bucky loved museums like this.
In a life where the world has only shown you the pain and anger it holds, it's refreshing to see that there are merciful things in the same world. It gives a sense of hope to the ones who have yet to experience it.
"This part of the exhibit is my favorite," Bucky whispered as they turned a new corner.
Inside there was an immersive part of the art show. On the walls, floor, and ceiling; famous paintings and murals were in motion as they were projected on every part of the room.
It switched as they sat and watched the pictures slowly spin and flow around them as if they were in the painting itself.
Her mouth opened in shock and she looked all around her as she tried to comprehend the impressive spectacle.
"This is," she started, but again, couldn't find the words to finish it.
"I know exactly what you mean," Bucky chuckled, knowing that kind of response from experience.
The reason he had brought her to this was because it was his gateway to diving into the experiences he wasn't sure he had before. It was a way to put oneself in new environments and spark pieces of the past without having to travel outside one room.
They found a bench close to the back wall and perfectly positioned to be out of the traffic in the room and to watch it from all the best angles. Bucky couldn't help the grin that grew on his face as she was enamored at the changing colors and scenery in front of them.
And his grin only grew when she let a smile grace her lips.
That was until she saw The Starry Night by Van Gough and her face went from fascinated to freaked out.
Bucky knew that look from a mile away. That was the look of familiarity. Whether it was good or bad was unclear, but considering she looked troubled by the new scene, he was worried it was bringing up bad memories.
"Y/N?" he asked when he saw her eyes searching the room as if for an answer she was worried to discover. "Hey, you ok?"
For a split second, he could see the stars reflect in her eyes before she blinked rapidly and brought her hand to her head as if an instant headache had hit her.
"Um, yeah," she tried to shake it off.
As a reflex and without thinking, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder in an attempt to ground her some, but all it did was startle her. She jumped at the contact causing Bucky to take his hand back quickly.
She noticed the anxiety she had passed to him and started stumbling out an apology.
"I'm sorry... I d-didn't mean to jump. I-I-," she was taking short breaths in. "I, um," she looked around. "Is there a bathroom somewhere?" she asked, fidgeting uneasily in her seat.
"Yeah. I mean, yes," he stood up and gave her space as he motioned for her to follow him.
Luckily the bathroom was just around the corner and she excused herself quickly as she rushed in.
He was concerned for her but figured it was best to give her space. Trying to eavesdrop on her inside, and checking to make sure she wasn't having a panic attack, he stayed close to the door.
Just as he had tuned in, the intercom of the art exhibit started playing through the halls. It was louder than needed and the spy in him marked it as strange. It started with a simple announcement and then music to go along with the show went up in volume.
Another woman turned the corner and gave him a slight smile as she excused herself by him to use the bathroom herself.
The conversations of a few other bypassers Bucky had eavesdropped on, noted how the volume level was louder than usual and Bucky's instincts seemed to feel buzzed. Then he heard it. The lock on the bathroom door clicked.
It was a multi-person bathroom so the need for a lock on the exit door wasn't exactly for privacy. Something was wrong.
A muffled scream made him kick into action. The sound issue was a distraction.
"Y/N!" he turned to the door, banging it with his fist.
Again he heard muffled noises covered by metal doors being slammed into and what sounded like something being thrown and crashing into the wall.
"Y/N!" he shouted, this time knowing for a fact she was in trouble.
It would take more than a common lock to keep the soldier out. With a quick and calculated kick to the door, the crack of the lock busted against the wood and splintered the threshold.
The scene in front of him instantly switched him into fight mode.
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