#marriedguy

I think my quest over the last few years to beat sadness has made good progress.  Maybe my name on here should change.

But I feel very alone.  I love my wife and my life, but as I sit in a coffee shop and watch couples engage, I long to be touched and wanted.  I don’t get that.  I know she loves me and our family, but I miss that feeling of youth when your lover just needs to touch you, to feel you.  I mean we make love, but is she really that into me like years ago?  no.

My desires are blown off as just my being “male”.  I cannot believe how much my needs and wants are seen as not important.  Any other guys know what I am saying?

I am learning this is what life has dealt the middle aged guy.  Reduced to not important to the women they love. 

This feeling of lonely I cannot share with anyone.  It hurts. To fight it or to leave or to cheat makes me the bad one.  

We heard of a husband who left his wife and kids.  Everyone called him a jerk.  I wondered, did his wife fuck him with passion ever in the last few years?  But society wont let us ask that question at a dinner party.

Living life, even when married with a family, can be lonely. I love my family and am committed to the world we have built.... But I have still felt so alone for such a long time. I cannot share this with my wife, as she could never understand. I have decided to write my way through this. Can't tell how tumblr works and if anyone will ever read this-- but it feels like a place I can share and maybe it will make a difference in me and possibly for someone else.

The sadness set in and caused me to question everything. I drank too much and ate too much to deaden the feelings. That left me fat and out of shape for as long as I can remember. Working on getting fit has helped and losing 20 lbs makes me feel healthy (and maybe look hot for being in my 50s).

Friendships have not been what I had needed. I know people love me but it was not enough. I can't just share my soul with anyone - not sure why it is so hard to find those types of friends - but it is.

I did work on these feelings of sadness for 6 months and felt better... But not "happy". I want to find happy, and think I am close, but it is all part facade. Then the right person appears at the right time and shows you some parts of their soul and shares the real struggle they have lived. And I saw that I am not alone in this world.

While different issues, we all have our "stuff" to deal with and work through. I want to stop feeling alone and have friends who share themselves at the level of their souls. Is that impossible to find? I don't know.

I do know that I am going to try to write my way out (Hamilton reference- but I see some similarities in my life to the Broadway musical. If you feel you are never satisfied in life you might find a connection to the Ten Dollar Founding Father. Download the soundtrack and listen to the story. Hamilton was never satisfied and strived for more -- I get that feeling).