#markusarcain

“What are you doing?” He called out walking across the wooden floor ignoring Amera and the obvious confusion written on her face as she sat on her cot opposite Markus. 

“Oh hey look its our former groupleader,” Markus called out raising his beer in Borus‘ direction, before taking a nice long swig “Nice of you to show up an hour before we go out again” 

Ignoring Markus’ dig, Borus took a quick sweep around the space Markus was occupying looking for the all too familiar signs of alchohol abuse. Because if responsible, rule following Markus of all people was guzziling one down at 7 in the morning it had to be bad. And unfortunately it was, there blatantly obvious in the light of day the empty cans of beer lined up in neat little rows underneath Markus’ and Denian’ beds. 

“How many of these have you had” He asked gesturing to the beer eyes glaring. 

“Calm down its only my first one today.” Markus reorted back flippantly sipping from the bottle again. 

“And its gonna be your last” Borus commanded arms now crossed in front of him. He meant business. He meant business because he knew how much trouble Markus would be in if he showed up to work drunk. Plus this wasn’t Markus at all. No it was Markus following the pitiful example he’d shown them this last few weeks. 

Laughing Markus raised his bottle again in Borus’ direction “Says who?”

“Says me” He answered back with tilt of his head, a snide smile upon his face. 

“Yea cuz this dictatorship is working out for you so well right now” The sarcasm was written all over his face, as he chuckled softly at Borus. 

Glancing over towards Amera Borus could see her shift uncomfortably on her bed. She could probably sense this wasn’t going to end well. Disrespect was not something most group leaders took lightly though in all honesty he was used to it from all of them. But the thing that rocked Borus’ little was the fact it seemed that Markus was not going to listen to him anymore. 

Which meant in order for his next few words to have any meaning he was going to have to make him listen.

Swiftly with well a well practiced hand Borus’ fingers darted out grasping the can and yanking it out of Markus’ grip. Watching Markus flail after it with a small gasp of surprise he held his other hand out to stop the Arcain, the opposite hand with its new conquest instinctually moving even further away from its previous owner

“Give me back my beer Borus or so help me god I am going to deck you” Markus growled angrily his fists clenched and ready to go.

Borus knew he should have probably resisted the urge that overtook him at that moment, waht he had to say would sink in more if he did. But the set up was just too easy, and borus just couldn’t resist getting a few jollies in, he was a sarcastic bastard after all. “Oh look at me hotshot, I’m just absolutely shivering in my lady-boots”

Clenching his Jaw Markus stood reading himself for whatever was about to come next. “Borus I swear to all the gods above do not fucking mess with me right now” There was fire in the little Arcain’s eyes now, a fire he hadn’t seen for a while. And Borus had to hold back a smile. It was all a power play, and gods be damned if he was going to let the little runt run away with all of the power. Not anymore. 

“Or what Mickayla? Gonna put me in my place?” He questioned sarcastically as if Markus couldn’t even stand a chance. Because in all honesty he couldn’t. The Arcain was not even in the same league as he was was, even if he refused to acknowledge it.“Say if you wanna hit me, hit me. But you’re never getting this beer back, and you wanna know why? Because you are better than this.”

Feeling Markus struggle and jerk against the hand holding him back in place Borus just held his ground, digging his heels into the wooden planks beneath his feet. The boy was strong yes, and two months of not eating properly had weakened Borus more than he wanted to admit. But he could not afford to let Markus win this one. 

So he wouldn’t. 

“Who the hell are you to tell me who I am?” Markus grunted out face only inches away from his own, the fury now consuming the space between them “You spent the last two month wallowing in so much self pity that you didn’t even care about anyone but yourself. So screw you.” Raising his hands Markus pushed back against Borus, catching the older man slightly off guard. He was still holding his ground, but Makrus could see there was an opening now. And he took it  “You don’t get the priviledge of trying to teach me anything anymore. I am done with your pathetic ass.” he growled again into his face, knowing that the words would sting more than any hit he could ever land. 

Looking up Markus Borus could feel the sadness start to creep in. Because it was one thing to think of yourself as pathetic, it was another to have someone you cared about say it to your face. Looking down for a brief moment he thought about backing away, about letting Markus win this one, because he just wasn’t ready do deal with this shit right now. 

But something inside of him, told him no. No he was not giving in to the darkness, he was not giving in to what had kept him wrapped up in self loathing for the past two months. He was not giving in this time. 

He was not pathetic, and Markus was not done with him.

“No you are not,” He retorted holding firm against the weight of Markus, against the weight of his anger. “Now will you sit your god damn mouthy ass down now and fucking listen to me” he growled pushing the boy back down onto the cot with an impressive display of strength, a display that even caught Markus slightly off guard.  

“Alright fuckwad you better open your idiot ears, because I am only going to say this once.” He commanded sitting down himself, Denian’s cot directly across from Markus’. 

Placing the beer down upon the box serving as a bed side table Borus took a few seconds to gather himself, the weight of what he was about to say heavy on his tongue. It was what he had come here to say all along. What he knew he had to say, in order for everything to start going back to normal. 

“I’m sorry.” He started quietly, head now hung low, empty hands twisting themselves  between empty fingers. “I’m sorry that I was not there when you needed me. And I’m sorry that my selfishness forced you and Denian, and Amera and Limian to endure everything by yourselves.” Taking a deep breath he forced himself to look up, knowing he had to have confidence, when the last thing he wanted to do was face Markus. The person he had most likely hurt the most. 

But what he found was an angry stare, disbelief written across every pore upon Markus’ face. And it was discouraging yes, but he knew he had to keep going. He had to keep speaking. Had to make Markus see that it was going to be different. That he truly was sorry. 

“So yes, I Borus Nikolai Garkouw sincerely apologize for my previous actions, and I honest to god promise you nothing like that will ever happen again.” He continued hands now on his knees, gripping for dear life “However, with that said, I still have some issues I need to work on, and I am, trust me I am, but no matter what happens to me. No matter what the hell I get wrapped up in, I am still here. I am still in this with you guys whether Varamadras wants me to be or not. Ok?”

The question hung in the air like a stale mood, no one wanting to talk about it, but everyone knowing that they should. Looking over at Amera Borus tried to find the solace that he so desperately needed right now. But all she did was avert her gaze, picking a hole in the quilt 

Bringing his eyes back towards Markus, Borus waited in agony for what the Arcain was gathering to say. And he hoped that it would be what he was searching for. 

“No.” Markus answered with an air of finality, and at that moment Borus could almost feel his heart drop right out of his chest. “No you do not just get to say you’re sorry and it all goes away. You do not get to just be all here now, when you weren’t all there before.” Standing Markus drew himself to his full height, the elfling towering above Borus now, the rage apparent in his face. “You do not get to pick and choose when you care about us. You do not get to pick and choose when you want to be our group leader.” He stated louder this time fingers punctuating each sentence with a jab towards Borus, Markus’ pointer finger poised straight at him, as if he was staring down the barrel of a gun, the firing squad in front of him judging his worth.

And unfortunately he was found to be lacking. 

“You. Do. Not. Get. Off. That. Easily.” Markus spoke firmly each word a stab wound, meant to cut into Borus’ flesh, make him feel guilty for everything. Make him retreat back into his dark shell, confirming all they ever knew about him in these past few months.

But he wasn’t going to do that again. He couldn’t do that again. Because he had to be strong. He had to push back. He had to stand up and show Markus that he was going to be here whether he liked it or not. Whether Borus could stand the darkness or not. 

“Well then punish me how you see fit Markus.” Borus answered drawing himself up to his full height along Markus, taking up the rest of the space between the cots. His face was mere inches away from the Arcain’s. “Hit me.” He stated not backing down “Yell at me.” He continued coming closer into Markus’ personal space. “Fucking spit on me if you want to,” He growled through clenched teeth “I will stand here willingly and take whatever you want to give me.” He was close enough now. Close Enough to feel Markus’ breath agains this own face, and the flash of fear run across his eyes as Borus just kept coming, obliterating the self righteous wall Markus had been using to keep Borus at bay.

“But something that you need to get through that tiny little peabrain of yours,” He continued watching as Markus started to pull away it all being too much for him. “Is that I’m not leaving Markus. Not now not ever. You are stuck with me.”

Giving Markus some space Borus pulled back slightly, hoping that the message would sink in. But as he watched the fury return to Markus’ visage he knew the fight was not over just yet. 

“No I am not. I am not stuck with you.” he yelled reclaiming the space between them as his own, filling it with all of his emotions, and thoughts, and feelings, everything more raw and real. Because this was Markus finally getting to say what he needed to say. Say it to someone he needed to say it too, and Borus could feel it. “I’ve never been stuck with you, and you’ve never been stuck with me.” He commanded again, the hurt evident in the way he was holding himself upright. Holding himself together when it was written all over his face how much he wanted to break.  “Because if you were stuck with me you would have been there when I needed you. When. I. Fucking. Needed. You.” Each punctuation was another jab towards Borus, Markus just emoting everything at once, the charged air around them threatening to drown the group leader. 

But he wouldn’t be tossed asunder by Markus. Wouldn’t let himself be defeated by a hurt little boy trying so hard to stand tall in his grownup clothes. 

“Because one thing I have in fact learned from you is that being a leader, is about being a mother fucking leader. Not being a leader when its convenient for you” Markus jabbed at him again, the words stinging Borus a little around the edges. 

Because he was right. Borus had been in this for himself, and when things were going bad he bailed. And that was wrong. He knew it now. But it was one thing to understand that for himself, it was another to make the boy in front of him see it for himself. 

“Do you think this is convenient for me. Do you think I want to be having this conversation right now?” Borus asked throwing up his hands, his own fury pushing back against Markus’. “No. No I don’t. Because I’m scared shitless that you’re going to see me for who I truly am, a weak, unworthy, mess of a man, instead of the unaffected asshole I’ve been portraying for years. I’m scared shitless that no matter what I do, no matter how much ass I kiss, I’m just going to get demoted anyway because nobody sees any worth in little old Borus.” He was practically yelling now, the carefully constructed mask he put on for show smashed to pieces on the floor beside them “And I’m scared shitless of being alone, because even after all these years, I still haven’t come to terms that I am alone. I am all alone, and you guys are the semblance of family that have left. And I was so scared of losing everything I have for god knows how many times in a row, that I didn’t even try to keep it this time!” 

Borus’ breath was coming in gasps now, as he pushed away from Markus trapping him between the cots and into the freedom the center of their tent offered. The weight of his confession was pressing down on him and everything was starting to spin. He’d never told anyone any of those things, never told them any of those things, and now here it was out in the open, his weaknesses laid bare for both Amera and Markus to see. 

Looking out toward the sunlight steaming through the thin canvas of the front of the tent Borus took a deep breath, scrubbing his hand down his face, the silence coming from the group members on either side of him almost deafening.

Taking a few steps toward the door he contemplated leaving. Running out of this tent, out of the base, and never coming back. But that would mean defeat. That would mean running back to the part of his mind that told him he couldn’t do this. Instead of believing in the part that said he could. 

Because there was something to be learned from this. Something he could teach them.  He just had to be strong enough to do it. 

“So yea, I was scared, I was scared and selfish.” He started again turning back towards Markus “I decided that I’d rather waste my time burying myself in a bottle rather than standing up and being the man I was supposed to be and I apologize for it. But something you have to understand is that I am not super human,” It was said calmly and without remorse, as if he had already come to terms with it. Because in the last few seconds he had. He had, because they needed him to.

“And if you’re going to learn anything from my situation,” He continued “I want it to be that its ok not to be super human. It is ok to feel guilty and sad, and stressed out.” The words were just pouring out of his mouth as he came closer again to Markus, every ounce of Borus’ strength going into trying to make the Arcain believe. “But what is not ok is let that get the best of you. What is not ok is when you let your self pity, your worry, your guilt, your doubt, defeat you.” He stepped closer to Markus again. “Because thats the difference between being a good leader and a bad one.” He said lips set in a hard line  “Because good leaders show their strength when others need them too.” He drew himself back up to full height against Markus’ shrinking height.  “Because good leaders stand up and get their shit together when getting their shit together is the last thing they want to do.” His words were now toned with an anger, as he backed Markus up towards the edge of his own cot finger now pointed toward Markus, jabbing the air between him now. “Because good leaders threaten to kick your ass because you fucking know that showing up to work drunk is a violation of military code and you will get reprimanded for it.” He growled going back to where it all began. Taking back the control.  “And do you really want to be reprimanded Markus? He snarled as Markus was forced up against the edge of the bed. “Do you really?” There was no where else for Markus to go now but down. And he knew it. And when he did end up being pushed into a sitting position upon his cot, no where else for his legs to go but buckle, Borus knew he had won. Looking down at Markus sitting on the edge of his cot, he knew he had put the puppy in his place and Borus couldn’t help but smile snidely at him “Yea I didn’t think so.”  Backing away he let the air between breathe a bit, his point pretty much made. “So get it fucking together and be better than whatever” he gestured to beer still sitting on the box “this is.”  

“Now if you don’t mind,” He started turning toward the door, his old confidence just not able to resist that final parting farewell. “I’m going to go shove a bowl full of whatever the cook is trying to pass off as breakfast this morning into my mouth before I am mandated to spend time with you lot, or as I like to phrase it before I am mandated to spend time with Make-Me-Miserable Mickayla, Dreary Daisy and Olivia the Ostentatious.”

And with that he made his way toward the exit, head held a little higher. 

Well that was until he found Limian standing in the door way, a dark haired century manning the gates to freedom. 

“What?” He remarked wondering whatever the hell crap she was going to give him now. Because the thing he had learned about Limian was she was always looking for a fight. And if she had been here for longer than a minute, he would have unfortunately just given her the best weapon to destroy him with. 

“Nothing Nikolai” She responded with a small mischievous smile. Like she knew. She knew this banter, this banter which had been there before, and would go on as long as he washer group leader, was exactly what he needed to feel normal again. 

“You know when I said you guys are the only semblance of family I have. I wasn’t talking about you.” He commented cooly his well practice glare of contempt now put into play.

Patting his cheek she just smiled at him, unperturbed by anything he had just said “Aww love you too BorBor” she sarcastically cooed, brushing past him with a playful shove. And Borus couldn’t help but snort. 

Typical Limian. 

Stepping down onto the dirt he took a few paces away from the tent a small upturn to the edges of his lips as the morning sunlight filtering down through trees hit his skin. It was going to be hard to fix it all, hard to clean up all the messes he had made the past few months. But the difference between now and then was evident. He was out of his head and back into the game. And that felt well... Good. 

Grinning at realization Borus put his hands in his pockets, sauntering off towards the mess hall, an obnoxious tune whistling out from upon his lips. 

And every now again his fingers would brush up against the old worn dog tags.

They’ve made today’s destination a large pond — or very tiny lake, Marius isn’t quite sure — a few miles away from the city, and, after having fought the most impressive game of water-tag Marius has ever seen, the two of them are now just lying in the water, dozing while the sun shines down on them.  It’s easy enough to have a layer of water constantly holding them up near the surface, and the pond isn’t hiding any treacherous rocks, either, so for once there isn’t anything at all to worry about.  It’s a real nice feeling, actually.

After a while of floating around aimlessly and watching a small crab heroically defending its shell of stones from another, equally small crab, Marius decides to call out to his daughter, “You hungry?”

"No, not really."  She turns her head and eyes him skeptically, arms crossed over her chest even as she’s floating in the water.  "You made the food, right?  There’s probably only fish and icky stuff in there!"

"What?  You would so casually disregard my cooking skills, love?  After all the trouble I went through to bake you that banana cake—"

“Really?  You made cake?  Banana cake?”

Marius makes a show of scoffing at her disbelieving tone, all the while silently congratulating himself for having made the right decision in staying up and baking the damn thing last night.  Her happy face alone is worth the lack of sleep.  ”Just because I don’t normally make those kinds of things myself doesn’t mean I can’t, you know.  But if you don’t want it …”

He lets her get a decent head start on him, then, once she has reached the shallows, all but running through the water to get to her prize first, he turns the water around her feet to a thick, icy sludge.  She falters, stumbles—stuck in place.

Indignation evident on her face, she twists around to yell at him, “That’s not fair, pa!”

He laughs at that, patting her shoulder as he strolls past her, the ice parting for him in a straight path.  ”You ain’t coming, love?  You must not want that cake after all — guess I’ll just have to eat it all by myself.”  The moment he reaches dry ground he comes to a stop.  ”Time waits for no one, darling!”

Without looking back at her, he lets the ice slip back into its liquid form and very, very slowly starts to make his way towards the rucksack full of food.

Before Marius has even had time to put a foot forward, though, she is already barreling into him with all the power a cake-hungry little nine-year-old can manage.  Which isn’t all that much, but to be fair she goes straight for the back of his knees — and well.  With that much thought put into it, it’s only nice and proper for Marius to keel over with an overly theatrical shout, his hands grasping futilely at the bag just centimeters away while cursing his daughter’s genius attack strategy.

Perched on his back she laughs happily and grabs the boxed cake out of the bag.