#marking progress

For example, the only hint of consistency in my life is my multi step morning and nighttime skincare routine because I FEAR acne and worsening my many blemishes. I’ve stuck with that for over 10 years at this point, but honestly, i have my off days with that too, and that may be why I still don’t have clear skin lol.

I envy people who can make a plan and follow through. Yet, in many ways, my inability to stick to something has led me on many different paths I never would have ever envisioned or planned for myself anyway. College, various college experiences and friendships, internships, the city I live in, the career I currently have. All of these things feel like they happened serendipitously. And honestly and TRULY i love that. I love being able to look back and track the journey I’ve taken, and I’m glad I allowed myself that openness while in my late teens and early 20s. I’ve always found it hard to set long-term goals bc of the uncertainty i feel about most things in life - some things out of my control as well. Beyond ongoing uncertainties that have existed in my life for decades - we’re in a pretty shitty time to say the least. 

i had finally thought i’d achieved the dream state of consistency in feb 2020. After months of work related angst, low self esteem due to a 15 lb weight gain, and general unease with my lot in life mixed with the loneliness that coms from moving somewhere new, i had finally made a plan and stuck to it. I worked out HARD 4-5 times a week and I loved it. I hate to be that person but spin class is the shit and i miss it everyday. I was actually cooking for myself and enjoying what i made. I was getting used to the 9-5 and finally feeling like i belonged on my project and had value to offer, like i wasn’t a burden. I was putting myself out there, reaching out to new and old friends, going on a million dates (not really but it felt like it). I was embracing my business casual fashion and also adopting a new natural wavy hair look. I was tailoring my style and honestly life kind of felt like how i thought it would feel watching those tv shows about the young ingenue learning her way in the big city and transforming into the eclectic yet bad ass 20-something hbic. But then i literally got covid-19, the country shut down, every external thing that was adding value to my life disappeared, and i was back in my childhood home for 4 months.

now we’re at the end of august 2020. I’m back in dc and trying to rebuild the progress i made and be consistent in achieving those skills again, but it’s hard. I don’t think we talk enough about the intense level of burnout from this prolonged remote work. i feel like i work or think about work for 16 hours a day. There is no reprieve and no outlet outside of grinding at the lowest level for my corporate overlord. literally. I’m planning on moving out of the city and back home permanently now. i feel like the fledgling friendships i had with coworkers are already gone or well on their way out (which hurts the most because it feels like so many people in a similar life situation have made meaningful friendships :/ including some of my closest friends with new post grad friends :/). i barely have time to take care of myself, so i’m trying not to be so hard on myself in such a chaotic phase of life. but it’s hard when you’re overly self reflective and critical.

i went to this pretty basic goal setting event at work on thursday not expecting to get much from it, and while the content was extremely basic (think “annotate the screen if you’ve ever had a goal”) something really resonated me: splitting things up between stepping stone goals, short term goals, and long term goals. As I said previously, I really struggle with long term goal setting because everything is uncertain and then i overthink and make it even more uncertain. I love the idea of stepping stone goals because that leaves so much room for an opportunity for more, for serendipity to hit. in the past, i’ve been successful by setting a vague personal guideline of doing the best i can at everything i do, but that is NOT sustainable in a 9-5 corporate world. They take advantage of us for it! the harder i work the more that will be added to my plate, and while i took that as a compliment and testament to my value as a human (yikes much to unpack there), the other thing that really resonated for me was setting goals is how you learn how to say no. setting goals lets you set boundaries for yourself. you should always be thinking: does this opportunity, action, hobby, etc big me closer to my self-defined goals? I think my biggest realization of August is how intentionality actually does matter A TON. In college, i heard countless times about the importance of saying no, mindfulness, self care, work life balance etc, and while i struggled with being over committed in college i had the support of friends and received a lot of recognition for my actions. For the first time in my life, i’m actually experiencing that feeling of being a small fish in a big pond and it’s a debilitating feeling.