#mamour

thank you for always texting me during every part of the day, i know i’m not the quickest to respond to a message, but i promise it always puts a smile on my face. i know i haven’t been that good of a friend to you, my heart doesn’t sleep well at times and most of it is my fault. my thoughts are often far too chaotic and i’m always at the mercy of regrets— but someone once told me that life should be lived like a breath we’ll always share to the next, so when i’m heaving in and out, when i’m outside chasing after the next, when i’m sitting down and writing a dream wrapped up as a gift sent to the middle of nowhere, my heartstrings played right next to a few broken vases, my brain is a sunken ship and my thoughts are hungry sharks waiting for the next demon to take a swim, sometimes i can be an asshole, but no, never to you. my heart doesn’t have any more room for anger, i want to let it all go. if it’s not for me, then fuck it. if it’s for me, then i’ve been trusting it. if it’s smiling like you, i can keep it in my back pocket— where do we keep love if it’s always crying? sadness doesn’t look pretty on me, i know this to be everything tied onto a red balloon floating to all of the spaces that i can’t reach— just a little bit longer now, my heart beats and it beats too loud even if i told myself to stay quiet and the night, it hushes itself out. like a candle left in the middle of a room and no one is around, where does it all end? how does it sound when the tears begin? what if it does end? i know you’ve had a few bad run-ins with love and you’re scared to open your heart because it means that someone is going to die— i’ve always been the first one to call you on your bullshit. and i think that’s why we’re still friends, because i am who i am even if i hate myself. your life doesn’t cause death, your life mends it. your being doesn’t cause anyone to be hurt, your laughter welcomes it home. your life doesn’t love any less, your smile whispers i to those ears and i hope that he knows that. i’ve been trying to understand myself, and my lover is doing the same— i know that we’re all just tiny humans on this pale blue dot, just trying to figure it all out. we’re just here for a few more laughs and a few more hugs. words cannot express all that i’ve been meaning to say. my heart, it does hurt— but i am thankful. so thank you. i love you begins with another one of these fine shine days, where the sun does indeed come out to play— so i’ve been whispering back into the air, words come at us with a frequent scare, have i hurt you once more? dear worthy friend or foe, i am just human and i come in peace. these are just my woes full of my wrongs trying to write themselves into my righteousness. my worth is something that i haven’t really been kind to, but i promise, when i do think about choosing to be more, to love harder, to smile louder, to bring more joy into those that i love— i always have you in mind. so thank you for a late next text, thank you for being such a kind soul. i know i haven’t really been active with my writing and you love to read everything down to the letter— so this one is for you. sleep well tonight, i hope the air is lighter, i hope the stars shine brighter and i hope that you’re happy. you know? happiness doesn’t always have to be hard, my big sister tells me that. she tells me that love, it doesn’t have to hurt. she tells me many things, so i’ll tell them back to you. i love you. don’t change, but even if you do— i’m sure you’ll still find a way to squeeze love where ever that it’s most deserving. be well, and happy birthday.