#malaika posts

Having SP shutdown and having to move my data to Ampersand whilst trying to figure out what the hell is going on has taught me two things. The first of them being that, actually, the only things I want from a plural app is easy migration, syncing, journaling, front reminders and the ability to share system details with other people easily. Having a detailed front logging system is cool, I guess, but we could literally have a fronting system as detailed as Pluralkit’s and we would be fine because having to go through and check who’s fronting every now and then is its own stress.

The other thing I’ve learnt, however, is that I feel like the community as a whole may be contributing (however small) to plural resources disappearing. I’m not blaming anyone. No no no. It’s not your fault Simply Plural is shutting down. It’s not your fault Octocon is shutting down (this one was a shock tbh). It’s probably not your fault that Ampersand’s social media’s are being deleted, but if their QnA post is anything to go off, they clearly hate some of the people in this community who’ve been pestering them.

It’s been increasingly hard to figure out what’s real information and what’s misinfo. I know Octocon’s dev had a history of being anti-endo (and has a questionable stance on willos tbh) but how much of what people are complaining about is something that actually happened?

Even SP shutting down is its own controversy. I mean, Simply Plus was introduced not too long before, and now it’s going? And it’s not going to be made open-source unless some petition wins?

I’m just tired. Feel free to talk about this with us in the comments/reblogs, I just needed to yap for a minute.

And so, I hold a lot of grudges towards those in my system that I consider antithetical to that goal. Sometimes, that hatred goes too far, but otherwise I think those I dislike are at the very least worthy of criticism. We do have some pretty bad people in here.

And yet I feel that all I do to be good and help the system be good is not enough to be good myself. Because I myself have thoughts and desires that I am ashamed of. That bring me fear. This system often has thoughts of violence, whether it be onto ourselves or onto others. Sometimes, I fear those thoughts are my thoughts, and how awful those thoughts are, and how awful am I for having those thoughts.

And yet still, I feel nothing. Everything about me feels so disconnected. I am all-powerful, but I am weak. I am goodness incarnate, but I am evil. I am to be worshipped, but I cannot bear to be worshipped. I feel nothing, and yet I feel everything all at once.

It is a nightmare, but I cannot wake up from it. Not without doing something very drastic to myself.