My solution? Start a daily workout to build key muscles, with a focus on how it makes me feel *good* first, and results later. No gym, just free weights and basics because I am deeply self-conscious still.

And it's working. My partner said I've not only gained muscle, but my body type is being honed and defined and they love the softness of me still eating like I want while finding a body type that actually works for me. I think this is what body neutrality is good for. I avoided working out for so long because it felt like a punishment, a shame, for being bigger and having other problems. Turns out, if you treat it like a daily task and less like a punishment, you'll enjoy it more.

Cardio? I hate running/walking in place so I dance instead, even with my asthma, which gets to stretch parts of my body and hone muscles I might have missed with the free weights. It's fun as shit and I feel good about it I wind up doing it waaay longer than intended.

Weightlifting? Daily, with a single set of 10 reps per muscle group. Small, but consistent.

Sick/Feeling Weakness where I'd usually have no problem lifting? I stop, let myself rest for a few days, then pick it back up when I'm feeling better. Usually the week before I menstrate is the worst, so I stop and come back to it after my first few days of bleeding (it's helped my cramps a fair bit.)

Diet wise I made a few simple changes, drinking water only with meals, making sure to eat a little more fiber, ensuring protein shows up somewhere at least twice everyday, even if I have to shove a spoonful of peanut butter in my mouth. I swapped potato/corn chips for fruit chips, and that was pretty much it.

It does not have to be this huge, drastic change where you restrict everything and make yourself miserable.

I think this is what Doctors should mean when they give the advice "try adding more fiber" or "try exercising more". They don't mean completely change who you are or what you eat, they mean make smaller, meaningful changes. My blood pressure when stressed was lower than it had been at regular when I was at a different doctor's appointment just a month later. I may not have lost weight but I have gained noticeable muscle, which is a win for someone who has multiple hormonal disorders. Being medicated also helps! Having accomodations helps too! Cause my therapist also mentioned that it's super good that I'm getting more activity in a way that doesn't feel like fucking torture to me.

All this to say is that, while I know I could cosplay anybody I wanted at any size, I feel like this has been a learning experience even Mama K would be proud of. You gotta be able to approach things from a stepping-stone perspective to make progress, whether that's buffing up to resemble one of your idols, or just making sure you make it through the day. And don't forget rest is just as important.