#major malware

If you have superpowers the temptation to use them outside of your superhero identity can be huge. Why would you ever wait in rush hour or the-city-has-to-be-evacuated-because-there’s-a-giant-disembodied-eye-floating-above-it-and-nobody-knows-why-and-nodbody’s-sticking-around-to-find-out traffic when you can fly or run super-fast or teleport? Why would you waste money on things like a refrigerator or an air conditioner when you have ice powers? Conversely, why would you waste money on a winter coat when your fire-based powers always keep you warm. Winter coats are expensive! (And, like, why? Are they special collector’s items? Is there someone with a huge expensive winter coat collection somewhere?) Because of this many superhumans become reckless and use their powers without first putting on their cowls or star-spangled onesies. 

Look, I get that me telling superhumans to not use their powers in civvie mode isn’t going to be very effective. You don’t know me. Why would you listen to me? As far as you know I don’t even really exist. Maybe I’m a sentient (and sassy!) blog! Or a living computer who fights bad guys such as Major Malware or the Nemesystem. Regardless, you’re not likely to listen to me when I tell you that using your super powers outside of your superhero identities is a bad idea. So I won’t tell you that [it is though.] I’ll just try to give you some tips to minimize the potential for trouble.

For starters, please at least try to be discreet. Don’t use flashy, showy powers in large public places, and definitely don’t use them when you’re the center of attention (like please don’t start breathing fire while you’re giving an acceptance speech at the Oscars after winning the Oscar for best up and coming non-superhuman actress. That’s certain to make the evening news and even worse the academy will definitely take away your award.) And if (k, fine, when) you break this rule you better have a good, plausible explanation ready to go. Tell people you’re a skilled stage magician, or scientist, or LARPer (Live Action Role Player). Or say that you were briefly possessed by a vengeful spirit who made you use heat vision to heat up your coffee. Remember, you can’t spell secret lie-dentity without the word “lie” so say or do whatever you need to to keep your secret intact.

Certain jobs might be made a lot easier by introducing the use of superpowers. No matter what your powers are there’s probably a job out there somewhere that you can do better because of your superhumanness. Using your powers in the workplace can be especially risky though. Especially if you work in an office. Because you know who else works in an office? Kyle. You remember Kyle don’t you? Kyle’s the guy who got passed over for a promotion because of you. Or Bethany, whose parking space you stole one time  accidentally (like come on Bethany get over it already just because you park there everyday and wrote your name on it with sidewalk chalk it doesn’t mean it’s literally your parking spot, grow up.) Or Nikolai, the large Russian man who doesn’t really have an official job title and honestly nobody’s really sure what he does at the office and oh yeah he hates you because once you walked in on him in the bathroom and to be honest it wasn’t really an accident you were convinced he was pulling the old “change into your supervillain costume in an office bathroom stall,” trick but he was not and long story short, not all giant Russian men are supervillains. (*Deep breath because that was a long sentence*.) Your workplace enemies can be just as dangerous and ruthless as your intergalactic-mad-scientist-armed-robber-giant-robot-zombie-ninja-invader-pirate enemies. It is just as important, if not more so, to maintain your secret identity around them. Having your coworker excel because of their superhuman abilities is the seventh most popular supervillain origin story (number six is being raised by evil wolves but number nine will shock you.)

Sometimes however, superhumans use their powers in public not just because they’re lazy but because it is absolutely necessary. For example, if you see a crime going down, such as a knife fight or somebody is trying to sink Manhattan, and you’re the only person who can stop it, please, feel free to use your powers. In these situations, you should still do everything you can (“everything in your power” seemed too on the nose) to try to keep your identity a secret. Of course, how you go about doing that or even if you can depends wholly on what kind of powers you have. Professor Paleontologist, aka Professor Leon von Iguanodon (if you don’t know, iguanodons are the only dinosaurs capable of giving you a thumbs up. Which means they are, by default, the most supportive of the dinosaurs,) for example, might have a difficult time explaining how two velociraptors suddenly showed up and ate a bank robber when nobody else was around. His identity would definitely be compromised then, but really, it was only a matter of time with a codename like that. Like come on man, could you just try a little? Other superheroes, such as those with enhanced speed might have an easier time in throwing off suspicion while stopping a crime in civvie mode. Those with telekinesis or invisibility on the other hand might never need to wear a costume to keep their identity a secret.