to love is to be stained; my take on the "to be loved is to be changed" trend
My first "real" boyfriend was freshman year in highschool. He was a punk, dyed his hair, and liked indie video games. He was a stoner, partied, and stood up for his beliefs in a red state. We broke up after a few months. we were "pinfluencers". He was like my little brother after that. we dont talk anymore. he dyed his hair green.
the second hurt me more than i thought possible. blonde, christian, edgy and a rebound. he told me i could trust him. he didn't trust me. i dont think i ever saw my parents so upset. he liked "emo" and electronic music. his favourite colour was black and he drank too much. i havent seen him since december 2022, and havent stopped hearing about him since then. i still have dreams about those hands.
my third was something that simmered. i was subtle, but the feeling made my stomach burn. he liked stars, and felt like they were more of a home than earth could ever be. cat videos and horror games. i never told him about how i felt, until i got with number five. he was the colour blue, and hes my best friend still.
number four liked the twelfth doctor, history, and French press coffee that hed make himself. he was older by a lot and i was barely legal. he contantly ran from his problems, and when i finally accepted what he'd done to me he ran from me too.
four wasn't real. he faded in and out. hes catholic, but hates the church. hes trans, but the "right" way. he believed we were just friends-- thats what dating ws to him. his favourite colours were black and red and he loved pop music. he planned a school shooting once, before we met. i stayed longer than i should have. im ghosting him. i hope his mom is doing okay.
five was a blink. he was nice, but left me after a hookup. sometimes when i see him, i want to ask him why. he liked invincible and house md, and had audhd. his favourite colour was green. i dont wear that colour much now.
six is my everything. his favourite colour is yellow, and his hands are gentle. hes quiet, but talks more than me. he likes horror, cooking, and baking. we are fixing each other and ourselves. he listens to music genres i dont like; i love the music he listens to. he likes wrestling and k-dramas, and wants a cat called Tupac.
i think love is like a permanent marker artistically scribbled onto a mothers walls. like mascara stains on the ends of sleeves, or lipstick on the collar of your shirt.
i have stained so many others lives too.
I drink my coffee black, and it tastes best when i make it. I love doctor who, I cry when i see cats, and my favourite bands are MCR and One Direction. i have punk beliefs and know that the only way to fix the system is for it to be removed. i like youtube horror and freaking myself out by it. my favourite hobby is drawing and baking, i always wear some sort of jewellry, and i dye my hair often. its green right now. it used to be blonde. my favourite colours are green and yellow; the sun and the plants.
