#mahjournal

And then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, everything was fine. I guess that's how it works, doesn't it?

Falling in love was never part of the plan. But then they did, fall in love. And it was so easy, falling out was so much harder. Love is like a ring that is a little too small, you can put it on with ease but it won't come off your finger, it sticks to you.

Its not often you find love you know. Please take good care of it.

And then I look back at the pictures and I can see the love. There was love. She can smile and make me fall for something that is not, and she does it so good. But I can see the way she looked at me and I get warm. There are picture capturing it and I get warm. And the way she was always looking for me in a crowd. I know there was love. And the way she slept outside of the RV so she could catch me coming back, absolutely exhausted. I know that was love. And the day that we made it through the night and I was so high and she was so high and she was standing behind me and I could feel her hold onto me, I needed it and she did too. I know there was love. And when we watched the man burn and I sat down beside her, holding her by the leg and the fantastic, radical beauty happening before our eyes and she had her hands in my hair and I needed it. I know there was love there. I know there is love there, but there is also uncertainty and fear and I don’t know how to tear down the walls.

Now I just need someone to move to Brazil with me.

And then, soon enough, you will move again. Somewhere new, somewhere exciting. Life is unpredictable and chaotic, you are chaotic. Things will happen that you don’t understand in the beginning and then all of a sudden make sense to you. So take this in, all of it. You don’t live in the future and you don’t live in the past, you live now. So let him go. Let him go because the memories of him only pull you back. Let him go because he didn’t fight hard enough to hold on to you. I know it is hard and I know it will take time, be gentle with yourself, the heart still hurts. But know this, one day you will wake up and you did not dream of him and you will go through your whole day not thinking of him until you head home and buy the soda that you always got together. And then you will see how light your day was without him in it. And you heart will feel easy again.

We were so awesome. What did you do? why did you ruin it?

Work your ass off and you will be in Milan soon.