c r o n c h

(Based off this discord convo featuring @undersketchdraws , @smoresthehalloweenqueen & @im-the-ant)

Book 1: Harry Potter And The Shredded Abs

-The Dursley’s are all weak bitches, but Harry is swoll. He has to do some pretty intense chores man.

-Everyone in gryffindoor is swoll as fuck, everyone is ravenclaw has megamind sized brains, everyone in hufflepuff produces something from their ears, everyone in slytherine now has snake tongues and eyes dude

-Hagrid breaks a wall down, snaps vernon’s spine, and carries Harry away

-Harry flexed on Voldemort so hard he flexed to death, and now he’s the boy who flexed

-Only gryfffindors can go to vertic alley because it goes up and they need their swoll arms to climb it

-Hedwig now has buff arms alongside her wings

-You have to arm wrestle the wand to have it

-Commentary on how society leans in the gryffindoors favour

-U have to out scream the pillar to get through

-Dumbledoor picks up every carriage individually and yeets them all the way to hog warts, before running all the way there

-Hermione is in ravenclaw now

-Ron’s in slytherine now

-Neville’s in hufflepuff now

-Hogwarts is exactly the same

-Snape has a really long tongue

-Quirell has a really big brain, but Voldemort’s face is still the same size

-The sorting hat is now a propellor hat, and it flies over to the house you’re in and then zaps you with a laser to gift you your house powers

-McGonngall has really buff legs and keeps those same proportions in animagus form

-All the other Weasley’s are in gryffindoor so they’re all buff

-Voldemort is a surfer dude now, and the death eaters are the death dude’s

-Slytherine’s slither everywhere, only gryffindoor’s arms are buff so they walk on their arms

-Dumbledoor has big muscular yaoi hands he hides under his beard

-Because Argus is a squib he has elongated feet. Mrs Norris is also on his head and is controlling him, but the staff won’t do anything because Mrs Norris makes really fucking good cookies

-The Mirror Of Ehcysp shows you you’re greatest desire, but then says psyche

-Trelawney has a big head but also massive eyes