#madventure

And it feels so different from last time! Better, I'd say. Rather than being thrust into the unknown - which is all very well and exciting in its own way - I'm returning to the familiar. To Kiwi family, to the Wither Hills winery, to my friends and favorite beach spots and coffee shops and all the other good things. (There are SO MANY.)

Looking back, this all feels like it came on rather fast. I think it was only October when my supervisor from the winery offered me the seasonal job back. I anticipated applying for a second vintage at the winery anyway, but they offered to have me start almost two months early! 

All I can think is, when life hands you lemons, ya better get started on that lemonade. 

I was (and still kind of am) REALLY financially unprepared to go back to New Zealand so early, but I also really wanted to make this work. In the end, I justify having literally zero dollars to my name knowing that I'll be working my bum off over there to make up for it. How nuts is it that I'm flying halfway around to the world to MAKE money?! This isn't quite the free-for-all vacation/travel trip it was last year, folks. This girl's got wine to make. And to drink, obviously.

I'm traveling on a new visa this year, as the Working Holiday Visa I had last year was a one-time deal, and also limited how long I could work for any one business. This year, the winery had to sponsor me as an applicant and assist in my application to the New Zealand government in order for me to obtain my Skilled Workman's Visa. Essentially, Wither Hills had to prove that I was capable and trained for the job, and that they couldn't find any NZ citizens to do the job otherwise. I can only work and stay in the country for six months this year, but I'll only be there for about five anyway.

But you guys! I'm going back! I was always telling my friends and Kiwi Family that I'd be back within a year, that I just couldn't bear to let that be the end of it. I'm a woman of my word.

The road here has been a bumpy one though, that's for sure. My blissfully unplanned summer was anything BUT blissful, actually, and my uncertainty in choosing what to do next spiked my anxiety and created some really negative feelings for a while. I thought I was going to be able to mold back into my "old" life, but everything had this strange shift to it. There were little changes here and there, both in people and in places, and with having very little plan in terms of work or living situations, I kind of lost my shit.

I won't go into the details of my (numerous) meltdowns, but I want to mention it here because I think it's important to see both sides. While I'm ecstatic to be starting my adventure again, it hasn't come without struggle. Personally, my biggest struggle was trying to reconfigure my relationships within the communities I had left. It was a very lonely summer; one in which I tried to remember all that I had learned while traveling - about loving yourself, finding your own fun, and putting yourself out there - but I found it difficult to do that in a familiar place, where I had already been established at one point. Suddenly everything felt off, weirdly shifted.

Eventually, I worked through these issues, and found a temporary new home for myself with my oldest and most wonderful friend, Katy. I told her that she saved me this summer, between all the visits and her persistence that I should move in for a while, and I really do believe that she did. 

I also know I was far from alone in the funny feeling of arriving home after a long trip. A few of my friends in the UK said they'd been dealing with similar situations, and it was a relief to chat with people who knew and understood exactly what it was like. 

BUT I digress. My point is this: sometimes it looks like I do really cool things, like travel to New Zealand multiple times in a year, and go camping all summer long, and take road trips as often as I like, and so on. But that's just what you see at a glance, whether on social media or in passing, and it is so far removed from the reality of the situation that I just want to remind us that it is NOT all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's struggling relationships and broken hearts. Sometimes it's tooth pain and a root canal that costs $1500, and then a car that explodes and you have to repair it for $800 on top of that. Sometimes it's Christmas and you can't afford to buy a goddamn thing for your family so you thank your lucky stars that, in truth, they don't care about that stuff anyway. Sometimes it's schlepping your crap from one basement to the next and hoping your friends don't hate you for taking up so much of their space. Sometimes it's working a job that doesn't quite pay the bills, but it's the best you've got in the moment. And sometimes it's just making a cup of tea in the afternoon, chatting with your best friend, and trying to figure out how the hell you made it to this point.

In a few hours, I will be in the air again, heading westward for my first layover in LA, then Fiji, and finally good old New Zealand town. Another internal flight to get down to Kiwi Family from Auckland, and then I'll have made it! It'll be a long 30+ hours, but I'm armed with books, journals, a Rubik's cube, and ripped-out Sudoku pages to fill the time.

For those who actually read my gibberish, I just want to say thank you for coming along with me again. These reflections feel more or less like journal entries to me, so if my therapy can be your entertainment then I'm all for it! I appreciate you all. We'll see how it goes from here. (What else can we do?)

Cheers to New Zealand 2018!!