growing up fat i was never considered a madonna or a whore because i was just never considered at all. i was not even worthy of eye contact because of the fear that maybe showing me a shred of kindness would cause me to think they want me.
once i started to come into myself and gain confidence and become more conventionally attractive i started to get some attention here and there. it was electrifying getting any crumb of attention after not even being worthy of eye contact before.
even if im the whore at least i am something
but i am always the whore now, and one that gets to only be desired behind closed doors. not worthy of being desired publicly.
every time i think i finally meet someone who sees me, i am too soon to find out that it was a tactic to get into my pants. even if they have sex with me and itās not a secret, i am never someone they would publicly date.
i donāt know what it is about me that screams so loudly that i am to be used and nothing more. i donāt think im particularly desperate. i definitely deny people if im not interested. but why is it that when i am interested im never worthy of being fully desired back.
iām worthy of friendship but never a relationship. worthy of sex but that same person would never hold my hand in public. i can be their therapist but never someone theyd introduce to their friends.
a sex doll that gives emotional support but nothing more. never a girlfriend. just forget that word entirely.
somehow iāve gone from completely undesirable to a whore with no say in the matter at all. even when i was a virgin i was somehow still just a whore to use in their eyes
iām so tired of not being seen as a human. i donāt know why i have been deemed undeserving of love for simply committing the crime of having a little extra fat on my stomach
