#m30dc

Reading

Walking

Talking to Vic

Listening to a clock

Music

Puppies

Watching the sky

            “Well, go on. Start!” Vic prompted.

It was 8:30 in the morning, and I’d been woken by him half an hour earlier. We’d laid there for a while dozing, until he decided it was time for today’s question. I squirmed inwardly; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done anything for fun.

“I don’t know, Vic. Can’t you just list some and I’ll say whether or not they’re fun?”

“Hey, they’re not fun activities. They’re calming activities. And no, I want you to make a list,” he said, jumping out of bed and going to my desk, opening the curtains on his way. I squinted.

“Do I have to?” I whined.

“Yes,” he said sternly, fishing around in my drawer. He returned to bed a few moments later with my A3 sketchbook and a blue marker. “We’re going to make a physical list and stick it up in your room, so that when you need to cut or do something else stupid, you can look at it and do one of those things instead. Okay?”

“Fine,” I sulked. I knew I was acting like a kid, but I really didn’t know what calmed me down. I’d never tried, really, besides taking a blade to my wrists. I didn’t know whether or not to ask if it counted, though, so I left it. “Give me some time.”

In response, he nuzzled his head into my neck and closed his eyes. I sat there thinking.

I’d always liked reading, but did it calm me down? I always managed to forget about whatever was going on and get absorbed into the world of the book. I counted that.

I gently took the pen and book from Vic, not sure if he was sleeping or not. He might have been, but he sat up when he felt me taking them. As I slowly printed ‘1. READING’ in my neatest writing, not wanting to make a mess, he watched, and I felt his hand lace in with my free one.

“That’s great, Kell,” he said. “Good start.” I felt a slight twinge of annoyance; I didn’t want to be patronised. I wasn’t a child. I shrugged it off.

Thinking some more, I settled on walking. I’d gone for a lot of walks while I was here, and from what I remembered, I had felt better after them. I added ‘2. WALKING’ to my list, but got a bit stuck after that.

“I don’t know what else,” I whined, elbowing Vic. “I don’t really do anything.”

“Well, how about I make a list as well and you can steal some ideas if you need to, okay?” he asked. I nodded, and he got up and went over to my desk again, getting another marker, this time purple. I raised my eyebrows.

“Really? Purple?”

“Hey, this shade happens to be gorgeous,” he defended himself. He was so gay. “Now do you want my help or not?” He was pouting a little.

“Fine,” I grumbled.

He took the pad from me and, flipping the page, wrote ‘VIC’S TIPS TO CALM DOWN.’ He was such a dork. His writing was scratchy, and messy, but clearly legible. He wrote his list quickly, only having to stop to think about it towards the end, on the ninth and tenth ones.

VIC’S TIPS TO CALM DOWN

PLAYING/WRITING/LISTENING TO MUSIC

SOCCER

HISTORY

TALKING TO MIKE, JAIME AND TONY

WALKING IN THE RAIN

PAINTING (HELPING DAD)

CLEANING

RECITING THE PERIODIC TABLE/MATHS TIMES TABLES

HUGGING IT OUT

LISTENING TO A CLOCK

Reading his list felt like opening a little window into his head. I felt like I knew him a lot better now than I had before. I would never have guessed that he was such a nerd, though. Who likes history? Or reciting a bunch of metals?

“See anything you like?” he asked. “Oh God, that was more sexual than it was meant to be. You know what I mean. See anything that might work for you? That wasn’t any better! I’m going to stop now.” His face was tinged a little red. I giggled a little and read through the list again.

Taking the pad back from him, on my list I entitled the page ‘KELLIN’S TIPS TO CALM DOWN’ and added 3. TALKING TO VIC, 4. LISTENING TO A CLOCK and 5. MUSIC.

“You like talking to me?” he asked softly, a little wonder creeping into his voice. I didn’t respond, mostly because I didn’t know how. He snuggled into me a little more, and I had a sudden stroke of inspiration, and wrote 6. PUPPIES.

“Puppies?”

I nodded. “There was a really cute one at the… the hospital, and I named him Lorenzo, and he was adorable. I liked him a lot.”

“Well, that’s great! You’re doing really well. Reckon you got any more ideas up your sleeve?”

“I need some time to think a bit more.”

“I’m getting myself some coffee. You want anything?” he asked, standing up. The bed felt a little colder almost instantly; the boy practically radiated heat. I shook my head, and he left.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to go get a razor. Where it came from, I had no idea. But I was sick of being happy. I was sick of putting in so much effort to get better. Was it really worth all this? I was angry. I didn’t want people to try to fix me and change me and make me someone I wasn’t. This depression wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, and I just needed to let out all the emotion I’d felt over the last week. My blood was boiling. I got up and went over to my desk again, where I’d hidden my blades at the back of a drawer. I saw them there still, and I felt reassured. Taking one out, I heard Vic coming back up the stairs, so I quickly put it in my underwear, the cold metal making me shiver, then hurried back into bed and scribbled down the first thing I thought of that might seem legitimate. 7. WATCHING THE SKY.

“That’s good, Kells. You can totally make a full list of 10. Only three to go, right?” he said, setting his coffee down on my bedside table. “Oh, wait, you don’t mind if I have this in here, do you?” I shook my head no, and he smiled. It was like he thought I was made of glass, and I was going to break any second. It didn’t help.

“Can we finish this later?” I blurted out. “I’m really having trouble with this.”

Vic looked a little taken aback. “Yeah, sure. I thought we could maybe spend today doing some of the things on the list, but we can do it another day. What do you want to do today?”

“Spend some time with Mike,” I invented.

“That’s a good idea, I don’t think you two have spent that much time together.”

“Mmmhmm.”

We sat there in silence, Vic sipping his coffee every now and then.

“I’ll be back,” he said at one point, disappearing and reappearing moments later with a couple of small pills, which I assumed were for his bipolar. He gulped them down with some coffee, and we sat there a while more in silence.

I started to worry a little; what if he felt the blade or something? It was unlikely, but my mind was petrified that he’d find out and I didn’t want to imagine what would happen if he did.

“I’m going to shower,” I mumbled, and, grabbing some spare clothes, left the room.

Day 5: What part of self-harm do you dislike the most? Part II

Vic’s POV

  Blearily wiping my eyes, I turned off my alarm and got out of bed. 5 am was a ridiculous time to get up, but I didn’t know if Kellin would be awake or not, or whether or I’d see him. Grabbing a pen and paper, I did my best to make my writing legible and scrawled ‘Morning Kellin. Today’s question is ‘What part of self-harm d you dislike the most?’ We’ll discuss it later. –Vic.’

Careful not to wake anyone, I tiptoed over to Kellin’s room at the end of the hall. The door squeaked a little as I opened it, and I glanced at him in the pale light of the hour before dawn. He was asleep, which was good – I could tell that he didn’t get much usually. Every time I’d left a note, though, I’d managed to catch him when he was asleep. He was lying on his side, hair sticking up, mouth slightly open. I smiled. It was so weird that some boy from Oregon was making me question my sexuality, yet here I was, standing in his door frame, smiling at him like an idiot and thinking that I should be lying there too with my arm around him.

Shaking off those thoughts, and wondering where they came from and why, I quietly stuck the note to his door and closed it behind me. I went back to my room, and finished off the homework I’d left last night. I was never very gifted academically, and so I had to work really hard to even pass most of my classes. Music and Media aside, I was pretty stupid.

An hour and a half later, Mom and Dad stirred and I could hear them downstairs, so I headed down there myself.

“Morning,” I said, quietly but brightly. I loved my parents more than anyone, almost.

“Morning, Victor,” my Dad smiled. “I heard you practising your guitar last night. It is sounding very good, which song was it? I didn’t recognise it.”

“I came up with it myself, actually. I was just messing around and it was sounding good, so I recorded it and started putting it together as a song.”

He smiled proudly. “My little songwriter.”

“How is Kellin doing, Vic? The two of you seem like you’re getting along quite well. He’s a nice boy, I hope he’s enjoying himself here,” Mom asked.

“He’s… he’s good, I suppose. It can’t be easy, having depression. I think he might be doing a little better. Man, it feels like he’s been here ages,” I said, making myself a cup of coffee.

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” she said. “I can hear signs of life upstairs, but I think we all know they’re not Mike’s. would you mind waking him?”

I headed upstairs, and sure enough, the shower was running, but I could still hear Mike snoring from his room. I hoped he’d grow out of that habit soon; it was kind of annoying.

God, I was still so pissed off with him after last night. I couldn’t believe he was still in contact with Oli, and there was no way that Oli would have stopped what he was doing. He was in too deep in the wrong crowd, and as long as I lived, I would not let Mike go down the same route.

“Get up, I said loudly, and kicked the bed. He groaned.

“Fuck off.”

“No,” I said harshly. “You’re going to get up, and you’re going to explain to Mom and Dad that you will not be going to Danny’s tonight.”

“What the hell? Of course I am,” he said, sitting up.

“No, you’re not. Unless you want Mom and Dad to find out about your escapades last year and where you were last night.” It was a low blow, pulling out the ‘I’m telling on you’ card, but it was necessary. So long as he didn’t see Oli anymore.

“Is this because you’re still pissed off? Get over it, dude.”

“No, this is because you need to get it through your thick skull that Oli is not who he used to be and if you do stupid shit, there are consequences. This is a lot better than what could have happened. I talked to Jaime and Tony about it last night, and they agree with me. If you don’t stay at home tonight, we will rat you out to Mom and Dad, and Tony assures me he can get you back into shit with Matt.”

“If you’d just listen to me - ”

“I don’t want to hear it, Mike. There is no excusing that. You swore you wouldn’t see or talk to Oli anymore, and yet there you were last night, doing both of those things last night. Just… get ready and come downstairs. Explain that you’re not coming. End of.” With that, I left.

He trudged downstairs a few minutes later, dressed and looking as surly as he possibly could. Taking a seat opposite me, he muttered a greeting to our parents. Kellin appeared moments later.

“Morning, Kellin. I was just about to ask you boys what the final plans for this evening were,” Mom said.

Mike didn’t speak up immediately, so I kicked him under the table. He jerked a little, then said, “I don’t really want to go, Mom. Danny’s a tool.”

“Now, now. I’m sure he’s not, and that both he and I would appreciate you not using that language,” she scolded. “Vic, Kellin, are you two still going?”

I still hadn’t decided. On one hand, I really wanted to stay and make absolutely sure that Mike didn’t try to go see Oli again. On the other hand, I also really wanted to go for Kellin’s sake. I didn’t imagine he’d been to many parties back at home, and I knew that the more time he spent as a regular teenager, the easier it would be for him to try to move on from his depression.

“I don’t know yet, I’ll see after school.” I was hedging my bets. I’d talk to Jaime and Tony and see what they thought.

“I don’t know either,” Kellin murmured.

“Kellin, you finished?” I asked. I was done, and sitting there with Mike glaring at me, trying to make me feel guilty, wasn’t my idea of fun. It was honestly just making me angrier. He nodded. “Good. Let’s go.”

“Wait for me?” Mike asked.

“No. You can get the bus.” I tried to keep my voice even, and I didn’t turn around to see Mom and Dad’s surely upset faces. I wasn’t normally like this, but I just didn’t want to spend time around Mike at the moment.

I felt really guilty, though, because I didn’t want Kellin to think badly of me, so I apologised as I started driving to school. “Sorry, Kellin, I’m just really pissed off with Mike. He swore he’d never see Oli again after what happened, so I told him that if he didn’t want me to tell Mom he’d seen Oli then he wouldn’t go to the party.”

“What happened?” he asked timidly. I knew this was coming, so I sighed and launched into the explanation of Oli. In my infrequent glances at Kellin, I could see his face getting slowly more and more shocked.

“That’s… wow. Is that how that guy at the party knew who you were?”

Yeah, Jona had been one of the guys Oli had introduced us to last year. He was, I supposed, one of the gateway friends. Nowhere near as bad as the guys Oli ended up with, but still not good. I could never really tolerate him, but he was okay. I nodded.

“Hey, Vic, can I ask you something?”

“Clearly.”

“Someone at school told me… that Mike almost, um, got sent to juvie last year. Is that true?”

How the hell did he hear that? I’d thought that everyone had moved on from that. It was months ago. Mike just got off with a bunch of detentions that he was still doing. “Who told you that?” I wanted to know who was potentially spreading more rumours about him.

“I don’t remember.”

“Well, yeah, it is true. I don’t know the finer details of what happened – I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know – but it was about the same time as him and Oli started doing all that stupid crap. If you want to know, just ask him. He won’t get pissed, I promise. Is that why you’ve been avoiding him?”

“Uh, yeah, a little.” I laughed; he looked so guilty. I was over this subject though.

“So you got today’s note?”

He almost visibly went back into his shell. I knew he didn’t like talking about this, but it was necessary, and I really wanted him to get better. “Yeah.”

“Nothing to add?”

“I need to think about it a bit more,” he said softly. He said this almost every day, and I was pretty sure he just forgot it, but it didn’t matter. I let it go for the time being.

“Anyway, what do you plan on doing tonight? I haven’t decided what to do about Mike. I’m not sure if I should go, or stay at home and make sure he doesn’t go back there,” I changed the subject yet again.

“I probably won’t go if you decide not to,” he said slowly.

“I see.”

The rest of the drive was spent in silence, but that had swayed me. I would go, but I’d make up some excuse to Mom and Dad so they’d keep an eye on Mike. As we arrived at school, I told Kellin my decision and reminded him that we would indeed still be discussing the question.

In homeroom, I found Tony and Jaime and explained my decision and asked what they thought.

“Are you sure, man? Who’s going to look after Mike?” Tony asked. The two were closer than Mike and Jaime were, and Tony worried about him almost as much as I did. But not quite.

“I’ll tell Mom and Dad that he feels, like, distanced from them and he wants to spend time with them so they'll watch a movie or something together and make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”

“Do you want me to stay with him?”

“No, he’ll be fine. He knows I’ll rat him out if I catch him at Oli’s again, and besides, he has no way of getting there. Mom and Dad will notice if some car pulls up and Mike goes and gets in it. They’ll be able to handle it.”

“Whatever you say, man. How are you doing?” Jaime asked. He’d been more concerned about me since my little episode on the weekend, and had been checking up a couple of times every day.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Pissed off with Mike, and that hasn’t gone away since we found him, but I’m fine. I do need to talk to you guys about something, though.” And so I explained my predicament with Kellin. Never once before had I had feelings for a male, but since he moved here I’d thought he was cute and I was pretty much convinced after this morning.

It didn’t take me long. Jaime broke the silence among us and said, “Well, it’s not completely unexpected. You have always had better fashion sense than everyone here.” I shoved him playfully. “No, but seriously, Vic, are you positive? Like, I’m totally okay if you are – ”

“Me too,” Tony interjected.

“But are you ready to come out as gay? Or bi? Whichever. You shouldn’t until you’re one hundred per cent sure. Have you told Mike?” I shook my head no. “Maybe talk to him.”

Just then, the bell went, and I wouldn’t see either of them until lunch.

“I think I am. I’m not ready to… come out, or whatever, though. I’ll talk to you later though, okay?”

“Later,” Tony said, and Jaime nodded.

The school day was boring, though. I sat with Kellin in class, which made it difficult for me to concentrate. In Math we got the last test back and I’d got a 53, which was pretty standard for me. Kellin got, like 78 or something. I’d sighed inwardly and thought to myself, ‘Just wait until Music, then you’ll be fine.’

Kellin didn’t sit with us at lunch, which saddened me slightly. Already I didn’t like sharing him with the music nerds, even though I liked them enough as people. They were all sitting laughing, and Kellin actually looked like he was enjoying himself, which made me smile a little. Mike sat with us, but I had calmed down enough to apologise for my behaviour and he graciously accepted by saying, “Thanks for making me take the bus, asshole.” We filled him in on our conversation from homeroom this morning, and unsurprisingly, he said much the same as Jaime and Tony had.

After school, I got into my car and Mike followed suit, sliding into the back.

“Kellin coming with us today?”

“Yeah, he should be here soon. By the way, I explained everything to him this morning,” I said.

He sighed. “I guess he had to know at some point. I just like it when people don’t know about all that, and they talk to me anyway, because they’re not judging me, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Apparently someone told him about the juvie incident, too.”

“What? Who? What did they say?”

“He didn’t remember, but apparently just that you almost got sent. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine, I’m just going to beat the shit out of whoever is starting rumours.”

“Don’t do that.”

“I guess. It’s kind of what got me there in the first place.”

I think it kind of bothered him that I never asked what happened, but I just really didn’t want to know. I couldn’t bear to think of my baby brother doing something bad enough to get him sent away to juvie. I just kept it in mind that it wasn’t really him, it was the drugs. He’d hinted enough that I had a vague idea, but I tried not to think about it. “You know I don’t want to know.”

“Yeah.”

At that moment Kellin showed up, noticing Mike’s presence and getting into the frnt seat. I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

“I hope you don’t mind Mike’s presence with us this afternoon, Kellin,” I said. It struck me afterwards that he’d think I was still mad, but neither Mike nor I said anything contrary.

“No, on problem,” he said. I could tell there was a problem, though. He looked awkward and his face was almost scared. I decided to leave the question until we got home.

Upon our arrival, Mike went up to his room and I followed Kellin to his, closing the door behind me.

“I figured you didn’t want to do today’s question in front of Mike,” I said. He nodded guiltily. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t think he knows you’re doing it, and I don’t think he’d particularly care or want to be much of a part of it. He isn’t the world’s most sensitive person, and thankfully he’s aware of that, so he doesn’t try to be a shoulder for people to cry on.” He smiled. “So, just a reminder, today’s question is what do you dislike the most about self-harm?”

He responded immediately. “The pain. Physically, I mean.” Usually he had to think, so this was a bit of a curveball.

“That was quick. Why?”

“Well, I guess I remember times when everything got really bad, right, and… well, this one time, I cut my arms, and the next day, I could barely move them because it hurt so much. I was clean for a week after that.”

He couldn’t move? That must have been horrible! And they had to have been bad for him to have been clean for a week. He’d been bad when he first got here. I couldn’t even imagine what that had been like for him.

“You could… how deep were they?”

He shrugged. “Not very deep, but not shallow, either. There were just a lot of them and it hurt to move.”

We were silent. It seemed like the time to hug him, so I sat against the wall on his bed next to him and slipped my arm around his waist.

“How are the most recent ones doing?” I asked gently. I still felt guilty about them. He unbuttoned his shirt and rolled up his sleeves to show me. They weren’t deep, and so had healed fairly quickly. Only a few little scabs on the faint scars gave away their disguise. It was good that they hadn’t scarred badly; he didn’t really need anymore. I was also pleased he hadn’t added any more.

“Anyway. Are you going to go to the party or not?” I asked. His decision could still affect mine.

“I probably should, but I don’t really want to.”

“Why not? It’ll be fun. Come on, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Tony drunk,” he joked. I was pretty sure it would be good for him to be in an atmosphere that any regular person of our age would. “Please? I really want you to come. And you already told Jack you would.” Anything to get him to go. I supposed it was also slightly because I wanted ot go for selfish reasons, such as getting some alcohol in me for the first time in months, and possibly something happening with him.

After a few moments, he surrendered. “Fine.”

“Yes!” I cried. In a genius example of my innovation, I jumped off the bed and did some sort of victory dance, with lots of clicks and head shakes. He giggled, and I saw, and did it again. In a few moments he was doubled over laughing, and I was on the floor in tears. I didn’t let him see them though. It felt good to make him laugh; it was the first time he had in front of me. I wanted to be the person who made him laugh the most.

That was probably when I fell in love with him, even though I didn’t realise it.

***

“Hey Mom, can I talk to you?” I called as I ran down the stairs.

“Sure, sweetie, what is it?” she answered. “Aren’t Kellin’s friends going to be here soon?”

“In a couple minutes. Anyway, can you please, uh, keep an eye on Mike tonight? He had a rough day and he won’t want to talk about it, so don’t ask him. But maybe you and Dad could, like, I don’t know, watch Harry Potter with him or something? And Dad could help him with this one drum solo he’s been working on,” I said in a rush.

“Oh, dear, is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine, just a bad day, I think. I’d stay with him, but I want to keep an eye on Kellin tonight,” I said carefully.

Just then, I heard a knock on the door, and went to answer it.

“Hey, uh, Vic, it’s Jack. Are you guys ready?” This kid seemed like a nice dude, but either way too intimidated by me or just awkward. I didn’t really get why people were so scared of me; I mean, it was Mike that all that stuff happened to, and I’m five foot six.

“I’m ready, but I don’t know about Kellin. I’ll go see. Come in,” I said, like the good host I am.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll wait in the car, make sure no one kills anyone else,” he said.

I tried not to let my eyebrows rise in the judgmental stare that everyone hates. “Alright.”

Back inside, there was no sign of Kellin. “Kellin! Hurry up! Jack’s here!” Almost immediately he appeared at the top of the stairs, tripping a little on the way down. Jaime hadn’t lied when he’d said I had good fashion taste – Kellin was looking cute as hell in dark blue jeans and a white button down. “Come on, let’s go.”

I sat in the back of Jack’s van next to Kellin, and felt slightly awkward, but the guys did include me in their conversation a little. I was still thankful when the ride was over. I’d been to Danny Worsnop’s house before, and I actually knew him pretty well. I was friends with a lot of the more popular people at school, even though I didn’t really like them or spend time with them. Danny himself greeted me as I walked in.

“Hey, Vic, how are you doing?” he asked, grabbing my arm and pulling me away to the living room.

“I’m good, man, how are you? Drunk off your ass, as usual?” I grinned back.

“Maybe,” he laughed. “Hey, do you want to play beer pong? Ben’s trying to prove his worth after I destroyed him. Should be an easy win.”

“Sure.” I wanted to get really drunk really fast, and I sucked at beer pong. I just wanted to forget my responsibilities and be a normal teenager, just forget what had been bugging me all day, forget about my worries about Mike. I wanted to have fun.

Ten minutes later, I had lost in what was probably the most embarrassing defeat ever. Also maybe the quickest. Ben was already pretty drunk himself, and I was sober when the game first started. Then again, I did start having some other drinks between throws. I was pretty out of it.

As I lost, I saw Kellin walking outside on his own, into the cold of the garden where there were no people. Why was he on his own? I thought he came here so he wasn’t on his own anymore. Wait, I was supposed to be making him not alone. I stumbled out there after him, and found him sitting against the wall looking out at the ocean. I loved the ocean. Maybe he did too. He looked really gorgeous sitting there, lost in his own world. His black hair was obscuring me from him, so I went and sat down next to him.

“Hey,” I slurred a little. “I saw you come out here and thought I should check up on you.”

“I’m fine. I think it should be me checking up on you though,” he murmured. God, I just wanted to kiss him. “How much have you had to drink already?”

“A bit.” It was so, so hard not to kiss him already. Some stupid sober part of my head was stopping me though. I mean, what if he wasn’t? “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“For now I am, I guess.” I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. “I just felt a little cramped and awkward so I came out here to be alone for a bit.”

“No one should be alone.” Especially not you, you amazing little bastard. Then the words started pouring out of my mouth. “Hey, Kellin, can I tell you anything?” This was a terrible idea and I would surely regret it in the morning.

“Sure,” he said.

“And, like, you won’t tell anyone?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.”

“I think… I think I might be gay.”

Silence. He was just staring at me, looking shocked. Was he disgusted? Horrified? Offended by having me in his eyesight? Oh god, this was bad. I knew I should have kept it to myself. I started to tear up a little.

“I’m sorry,” I snivelled. “I shouldn’t have told you. You hate me now, don’t you?”

“What? No! Of course I don’t hate you, Vic. I mean… are you sure?” he asked.

“Not yet, but I just keep looking at – and thinking, I mean… you know?”

“Not really,” he laughed. “You are really drunk, aren’t you? Well, I don’t hate you, Vic. I promise you that. Because… well, I’m gay.”

That stopped me crying. “Wait. You are?”

He nodded, and we fell into silence again, but it was comfortable. I looked up at the stars, trying to find some of the constellations my Mom showed me as a kid. There were too many lights around, though, and there were only a couple of stars out. Plus I was too drunk to remember. My head started spinning a little, so I looked back at Kellin, who turned to face me as well.

“How did you… how did you figure it out?” I asked.

“I think I figured it out this evening. I always got called, like, fag and queer and stuff back home…” he broke off and looked away.

“Hey. This is home now. If the people back in Oregon treated you like that, then they don’t deserve to get you back. Okay?” I lifted his chin to look him in the eye. “You’re amazing.”

He cleared his throat. “What makes you think you might be?”

I laughed softly, and my drunkenness gave way to a new confidence. “You.”

I woke up to see the usual note on my door from Vic. ‘What part of self-harm do you dislike the most?’ After getting dressed and showering, I went downstairs to see (for once) the whole family there. Mike and Vic were shooting each other glares from opposite sides of the table, seemingly unnoticed by Mr and Mrs Fuentes. I took a seat on the end of the table.

‘Morning, Kellin,’ Vivian said brightly. ‘I was just going to ask you boys what the final plans for this evening were.’

I heard a light thud from under the table and Mike jerked a little as though being kicked. Vic stared at him, and he mumbled something unintelligible.

‘What was that, Mikey?’

‘I don’t really want to go, Mom. Danny’s a tool.’

‘Now, now. I’m sure he’s not, and that both he and I would appreciate you not using that language,’ Vivian responded. ‘Vic, Kellin, are you two still going?’

‘I don’t know yet, I’ll see after school,’ Vic said. Vivian looked at me.

‘I don’t know either,’ I said quietly. I wasn’t about to go if Vic and Mike weren’t.

Vic stood up. ‘Kellin, you finished?’ I nodded. ‘Good. Let’s go.’

As we were walking out, Mike called out. ‘Wait for me?’

‘No,’ Vic responded calmly. He must have been really pissed, because he wasn’t a rude person. Usually. ‘Get the bus.’

Once we were in the car, Vic turned to me and apologised.

‘Sorry, Kellin, I’m just really pissed off with Mike. He swore he’d never see Oli again after what happened, so I told him that if he didn’t want me to tell Mom he’d seen Oli then he wouldn’t go to the party.’

‘What… what happened?’ I asked slowly. I wasn’t sure if this was an okay topic to talk about, but I was desperate to find out.

He sighed. ‘I guess you should know. Just keep in mind that this was a long time ago, alright? About a year ago. Nearly everyone involved, as far as I know, is very different now.

‘Oliver Sykes used to go to school with us. He was in my year at school, and we were friends, but he and Mike were always really close. He moved away when we got into high school, but he kept in contact with us. By this point I’d found Jaime and Tony, and they have been my best friends ever since. We’d go visit him sometimes, Mike and me, a couple of times a month. He apparently got himself mixed up in the wrong type of people at his new school, and started smoking cigarettes and occasionally weed. We didn’t think anything of it, and started dabbling a little ourselves. Mike was always more willing to than I was; I just sort of went along with it because I was bored.

‘Then he started doing heavier drugs. Cocaine, mostly. I don’t know where the hell he got it from, but he did. Started doing crazy stuff while he was high. One time, we came over and he just straight up started trying to beat the shit out of us. I refused to go back after that, but Mike somehow persuaded our mom to take him over there. I didn’t know, but apparently he started letting Mike try some of the shit he was taking. When I found out, I almost went back there just to kill Oliver, but Mike talked me out of it and I made him swear that he would never go back there. For months after that I made sure that either Jaime, Tony or I was with him at all times or was keeping an eye on him, because obviously I didn’t believe that he wouldn’t go back. But he kept his promise, so I let him be.’

I was shocked, to say the least. Vic and Mike had been friends with this guy? And Mike apparently still was! But that didn’t explain what Jack had told me…

‘That’s… wow. Is that how that guy at the party knew who you were?’ I asked. He nodded tersely. ‘Hey, uh, Vic, can I ask you something?’

‘Clearly,’ he stated, apparently amused by my awkwardness. ‘What’s up?’

‘Someone at school told me… that Mike almost, um, got sent to juvie last year. Is that true?’

He seemed to freeze a little. ‘Who told you that?’

Jack had pleaded with me not to mention his name if the topic came up. ‘I don’t remember.’

‘Well, yeah, it is true. I don’t know the finer details of what happened – I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know – but it was about the same time as him and Oli started doing all that stupid crap. If you want to know, just ask him. He won’t get pissed, I promise. Is that why you’ve been avoiding him?’ he teased. Damn, I thought I’d been at least a little bit subtle. ‘It’s okay, man, I don’t think he noticed.’

‘Uh, yeah, a little,’ I said. He chuckled.

‘So you got today’s note?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Nothing to add just yet?’

‘I don’t… I guess I need a bit of time to think.’ He nodded.

‘Anyway, what do you plan on doing tonight? I haven’t decided what to do about Mike. I’m not sure if I should go, or stay at home and make sure he doesn’t go back there.’

‘Well, I probably won’t go if you decide not to,’ I said slowly.

‘I see,’ he said, and all conversation ceased. As we pulled into the school parking lot, he decided to speak up again. ‘I’m going to go. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about today’s question. We’ll talk about it in the car on the way home.’

The day was uneventful; I sat with Jack, Jesse, Gabe and Justin at lunch and break, and with Vic in class. It seemed that I was now a part of a friendship group. I really liked the guys, and was glad they liked me too. I found out that they were in a band, and was made to come to rehearsal next week to listen to them. The plan for the party that night was still on, and it was basically the only thing that was spoken about the entire day.

Mike was granted access to car privileges, apparently, because he was sitting in the back of Vic’s little car when I got there that afternoon.

‘I hope you don’t mind that Mike’s joining us this afternoon, Kell,’ Vic said to me, trying to read my face. I kind of did mind. I didn’t know about him, but I wanted to keep these little conversations between the two of us, and no offense to Mike, but I didn’t really want him here. But how could I say that?

‘No, no problem,’ I said softly. Vic seemed to read my mind, though, because he didn’t mention the subject. Instead, he barely spoke at all, simply asking me a couple of questions about homework and assignments.

However, when we got home, he followed me straight up to my room and shut the door behind him. I sat on my bed, with my back against the wall, and he sat opposite me.

‘I figured you didn’t want to do today’s question in front of Mike,’ he said. I nodded guiltily. ‘Don’t worry about it. I don’t think he knows you’re doing it, and I don’t think he’d particularly care or want to be much of a part of it. He isn’t the world’s most sensitive person, and thankfully he’s aware of that, so he doesn’t try to be a shoulder for people to cry on.’ I smiled in relief. At least he wouldn’t be mad if he found out we were, in a way, excluding him.

‘So today’s question is what do you dislike the most about self-harm?’ the question seems to burst out of him, as though he’s been holding it in all day. This was an easy question.

‘The pain,’ I responded almost instantly. ‘Physically, I mean.’ He seemed surprised.

‘That was quick. Why?’

‘Well, I guess I remember times when everything got really bad, right, and… well, this one time, I cut my arms, and the next day, I could barely move them because it hurt so much. I was clean for a week after that.’

Vic looked shocked. ‘You could… how deep were they?’

I shrugged.

‘Not very deep, but not shallow, either. There were just a lot of them and it hurt to move.’

We were silent. After a few moments he turned around and sat against the wall next to me, and wrapped an arm around my waist. I leaned my head on his shoulder.

‘How are the most recent ones doing?’ he asked gently. I unbuttoned my shirt and rolled up my sleeves in answer. They weren’t deep, and so had healed fairly quickly. Only a few little scabs on the faint scars gave away their disguise. He nodded, seeming pleased. I buttoned my shirt up again, but left the sleeves up. I was suddenly hot.

‘Anyway. Are you going to go to the party or not?’ he asked.

I sighed. ‘I probably should, but I don’t really want to.’

‘Why not? It’ll be fun. Come on, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Tony drunk,’ he joked. ‘Please? I really want you to come. And you already told Jack you would.’

‘Fine,’ I caved. This boy was persuasive as hell. And he barely has to say anything to get me to do exactly what he wants!

‘Yes!’ he crowed, jumping up and doing some weird little dance thing. I giggled, and he saw, so he did it again. In a few moments I was doubled over laughing, and he was on the floor.

***

‘Kellin! Hurry up!’ Vic called. ‘Jack’s here!’

Almost instantly I jumped up off my bed and ran downstairs. I was either extremely excited or nervous. I’d been ready for an hour and had passed the time sitting on my bed, staring out the window tapping my foot.

As I got downstairs, I saw Vic standing there waiting for me. I saw he was wearing jeans and a plain button up shirt, and my nervousness decreased slightly – I was wearing something similar, and had been worried it was too formal. I breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Come on, let’s go,’ he said impatiently.

Going outside, we saw that Jack’s dad did indeed have a giant van, and Jack, Justin, Gabe and Jesse were all inside it.

‘Hey, dude, take your time! We’re not in a rush or anything!’ Jesse called out of the window. I grinned and got in the back with Vic.

A half hour later, we were outside one of the biggest houses I’d ever seen. It was on the outskirts of town, and it was Danny Worsnop’s. His parents were apparently loaded, because it looked like the huge garden was attended by a gardener, the property was on a cliff and overlooked a beach below it, and the house itself looked tall enough to be three storeys high.

As soon as we were inside, I could smell the alcohol. Vic was lost on the throng, and I was left with Jack and the others. From the few days I’d been at school with everyone, I was fairly sure Vic, Mike and Tony were really popular, and the guys I was with were somewhere in the middle-class in terms of coolness. Justin was suddenly attacked by a girl drunk off her face. She was calling him ‘baby’ and ‘Jus’, so I assumed the two were dating. Once they started trying to stick their tongues down each other’s throats, we left them to it. Gabe and Jesse went off to try to find some other people they knew, and Jack and I headed to the kitchen, where the alcohol was supposedly being kept.

‘Ah, yes; rum, the amazing liquid that changes me from slightly awkward and nerdy to incoherent and apparently hilarious and attractive. I have no idea why, but whenever I try to pick up a girl, it only works when I’m drunk,’ he joked. At least I was pretty sure he was joking. He poured a cup, and offered it to me. I declined, remembering the last time I got drunk and what happened afterwards. It had caused me to end up here, so I figured I’d leave it alone just this once. He shrugged, and took a mouthful. ‘Suit yourself. Hey, I have to go to the bathroom – can you watch my drink for a minute?’

‘You know, you will have more fun if you drink a little,’ a girl on the other side of the counter said. ‘Being around drunk people isn’t fun when you’re sober, trust me.’

‘I don’t really want to, thanks,’ I said, a little startled. ‘Last time I drank it didn’t really end well.’

‘Whatever. I haven’t seen you around town at all, where are you from?’ she asked.

‘I just moved here last week,’ I responded.

‘That would explain it. I’m Hanna; you?’

‘Kellin.’

‘Well, Kellin, welcome to San Diego. The guys are stoners and most of the girls are sluts. Enjoy your stay,’ she joked.

I laughed a little; to be honest I was kind of uncomfortable. Jack reappeared out of nowhere.

‘Hey, thanks, man. Wait, who’s this?’

‘We just met,’ she broke in and smiled at me. He raised his eyebrows at me. I shook my head, trying to get across the message that I wasn’t interested without hurting her feelings. It wasn’t that she wasn’t pretty; she was, actually – strawberry blonde hair, waist length and wavy, green eyes, pale skin and a nose ring. I wasn’t sure why, but I just wasn’t interested. In fact, I hadn’t seen any girls that I’d thought were attractive. I guessed that the lack of clothing and drunkenness put me off most of them. Thankfully Jack seemed to get the message.

‘Well, Kellin, maybe you could introduce us,’ he said charmingly.

‘Jack, this is Hanna. Hanna, my best friend Jack.’ I decided to do my best to give him a shot with her, and to be honest, it was kind of the truth. He seemed to smile a little more. ‘I have a bit of a headache, I think I’m going to go outside.’

‘Are you okay, man?’ he asked, seemingly genuinely concerned.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just need some fresh air, you know?’ I dismissed his question. Plus I was feeling a little claustrophobic with all the people.

The backyard was, for some reason, empty. I found a spot against the wall and sat there staring at the moon. I guessed I wasn’t really the party type; I didn’t like alcohol that much, and girls throwing themselves at anyone who was male wasn’t my thing. I kind of liked just sitting there, the faint drum line of the music in my ears mixed with the crashing of the waves, and –

‘Hey,’ Vic mumbled in my ear. ‘I saw you come out here and thought I’d check up on you.’

‘I’m fine,’ I said quietly. ‘I think it should be me checking up on you, though. How much have you had to drink already?’ His breath stunk of beer.

‘A bit,’ he giggled. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

‘For now I am, I guess. I just felt a little cramped and awkward so I came out here to be alone for a bit.’

‘No one should be alone.’ I didn’t respond. It was sweet, really; that he thought to come check on me in his tipsy state.

‘Hey, Kellin, can I tell you anything?’ he asked suddenly.

‘Sure, I guess,’ I said.

‘And, like, you won’t tell anyone?’

‘Not if you don’t want me to.’

I spent a sleepless night wondering where Mike had gone, and I never noticed him come back, but when I went downstairs in the morning, there he was, having a conversation with Mr Fuentes about his latest tattoo. The best action, I decided, was not to confront him about it, and maybe talk to Vic. God, I was so scared of this guy, and he had no idea! I hoped.

‘Morning, Kellin,’ Vivian said, smiling. I nodded in response. I looked around, but Vic was absent. I would have asked, but didn’t know how.

Mike and I caught the bus together, and as soon as we got to school he left me on my own. I managed to hide for the whole morning, sitting on my own in English class, but once it got to break Jack finally found me and attacked me.

‘Where the hell were you, man?’ he demanded as he grabbed my arm and dragged me off to the oval, supposedly to talk to me on my own.

‘I…’ Shit. Would I finally have to explain to him? ‘I was sick.’

‘Sick, my ass! You were fine when you were at mine the other day. Seriously, where were you?’

‘Look, I’d rather not talk about it, if I can,’ I said miserably. I was getting nervous.

He sighed. ‘Look, Kellin, I get that you’re a secretive person. And that’s fine! People need to keep some things to themselves. But we’re friends, man, and it can’t be that big. Friends tell each other things, and I swear to God whatever you have to tell me I’m not gonna be pissed off with you. So, if you can, just please, tell me, okay?’

I was stumped. On one hand, I did want to tell him. It would make life easier, and he’d been pretty nice to me so far. Vic and Mike had reacted to it well. But there was this nagging voice in the back of my head that was telling me he wouldn’t care, he’d just drop me, that I’d lose the one friend I’d made, that things would go back to the way they were in Oregon.

I thought of Dr Jardine.

If there is anyone at all in your life who is on your side, don’t push them away. Grasp on to them, and hold them as tightly as you can.

‘I… I need to… to tell you something, Jack,’ I began slowly. I didn’t know how much to tell him; I didn’t want to go into really personal details, but he had to know some of it. ‘I got sent here because – I – I t-tried to… um… k-kill myself.’

His mouth fell open. ‘Kellin, are you –‘

‘No. don’t ask me that. I hate that question. I just… They decided I have to go to a mental hospital, and there isn’t one where I lived. So my mom sent me here to live with her high school friend, and I was at a session yesterday.’ I turned away, not able to look at him.

‘Kellin, look at me.’ I didn’t move. ‘Okay, fine. I just… you didn’t have to be so worried about telling me that, you know. It’s not that big a deal.’

That got me a little pissed off. ‘Not a big deal?’ I asked, my voice shaking.

‘That wasn’t what I meant, Kellin, and you know that. What I meant was that it doesn’t bother me that you’re depressed. Yeah, it’s got to suck for you, and I get that you probably don’t want to talk about it after this, but I really like you, Kellin, you’re fun to be around and I don’t think that this has to affect our friendship,’ he said in a rush, his face going slightly red.

I let the words sink in, thinking. He seemed to genuinely not care. And I was damned if I was going to lose Jack. He was one of the best things that had happened to me in years.

‘Okay,’ I said softly. He smiled widely, and went in for a hug, but I dodged it. ‘Just… I don’t do hugs. Or touching.’

‘Shut up, man, I wasn’t trying to hug you,’ he said, getting defensive and pretending to be overly-manly. ‘Anyway, we should get back to the others. By the way, who else knows? About your… depression?’

‘Just the Fuentes’,’ I responded quietly. ‘And I’m not really ready to tell the others yet, so-‘

‘Yeah, sure, I won’t tell them! I wouldn’t do that. But at some point, I think you should let them know,’ he said carefully.

I agreed to, and we walked back to the main building, where our absence had not been noticed. The day passed uneventfully, until the end of school, where Vic was parked outside waiting for me.

‘Hey Kellin,’ he greeted me. ‘How are you?’

‘Fine,’ I shrugged, getting into the car. ‘Where’s Mike? I haven’t seen him all day.’

Vic tensed. ‘What do you mean? He was at school with you.’

‘We got off the bus this morning and he just disappeared. I assumed he ditched and came to find you or something.’

Vic remained silent. Seemingly, he decided that Mike wasn’t at school and we shouldn’t wait for him, so as he started backing the car out, he said, ‘You ready for today’s question?’

‘Yeah, I guess,’ I answered.

‘Do you consider yourself to be addicted? Why or why not?’

Holy crap, these questions were getting hard.

Was I addicted to self-harming? My initital thought was no, of course I wasn’t. but the more I thought about it, the more it became possible.

‘Define addicted,’ I said.

He looked amused. ‘Search it on my phone.’

I did, and read out the answer. ‘Physically and mentally dependent on a substance.’

‘I think we know that substance can be replaced. But what I was thinking was more along the lines of could you stop if you wanted to, or if I asked you to, would you throw away your blades. What would happen if you felt you needed to and you couldn’t.’

This got me thinking. Could I stop if I wanted to? Well, I didn’t know; at the moment I wasn’t sure that I did want to, and I couldn’t imagine wanting to stop. I supposed that kind of answered the question, in a way. Would I throw away my blades if Vic asked me to? To be honest, I’d probably pretend to or just throw them out and get more. As for what would happen if I needed to cut but couldn’t, I knew the answer.

I was with my mom, visiting my grandparents. I was about 12 or 13. It had been two years since my parents had split. My mom and grandma were sitting in the kitchen with me having coffee; my grandpa was asleep.

‘You know, darling, I’ve never understood why you got with that man in the first place. He was just a waste of your time; he never gave you anything you wanted or needed.’

‘I know; to be honest, I can’t believe it lasted that long. It was all just one big mistake.’

I was a waste of her time. She didn’t need me or want me. I was just one big mistake.

I murmured ‘excuse me’ and left them there, going upstairs. Heading for the bathroom, I looked long and hard for a razor, but found nothing. In the spare room with my and my mom’s suitcases, the pocket in my backpack that usually held it was empty. I went back to the bathroom, sure that I’d missed it. Of course there would be one.

Upon finding nothing, I sat down on the floor, tears leaking out of my eyes gently. I felt my nails dig into the palms of my hands. Suddenly, my arms were itchy – it was like there were bugs crawling underneath my skin. I scratched and scratched until blood came to the surface, and then I could still feel them there.

I heard my mom calling me, and went back downstairs, covering my arms with a jacket, determined she would not find out.

‘Yes.’ The single word broke the silence in the stuffy car. Vic was driving slower than usual, and taking a longer route.

‘Yes, you think you’re addicted, or yes, you understand what I said about five minutes ago?’

‘Yes, I think I’m addicted,’ came my response with an eye roll.

‘And why is that?’ he prompted.

‘What were the things you said when I asked you what addicted was? I need to remember them.’

‘Could you stop if you wanted to – ‘

‘I don’t want to,’ I broke in. ‘At least for the moment. So my answer to that is no, I guess.’

‘Would you throw out the blades if I asked you to?’

It hurt to tell him no. we’d just pulled up at the Fuentes’, but we stayed in the car, and he looked at me for a long time. ‘What would happen if you needed to cut and you couldn’t?’

‘I’d rather not tell you why, but I guess… I’d find a way.’

He sighed. ‘Kellin, I don’t even know how to tell you how I feel. But for now, I have to find Mike. I have no idea where he is, and to be honest, he could be in some really serious shit right now. Can we continue this later?’

So here I was, stuck sitting in a room with a whole bunch of people just as messed up as me. I was pissed off, to say the least. Yeah, my session with Dr Jardine had gone well, and I was maybe going to actually consider what she’d said, but that didn't make me want to hear their crap.

At the moment, we were all being given a run of freedom to converse with each other about stuff other than whatever ‘mental illness’ we had. It was just a giant room with a couple of huge couches, a TV glued into the wall, a remote in a case nailed to a coffee table, a bookcase with a whole lot of shit I didn't know, and best of all, a cage in the corner with puppies in it.

I didn't know how they got clearance for that. I didn't care. All I knew was that I had the most adorable little pug in my lap and I didn't give a shit about anything else at that point. I decided almost instantly that I would call him Lorenzo, and that I would probably not let go of him even after we had to leave.

Someone was playing a James Bond movie, and I was sat against the wall giving it half my attention, and focusing the other half on Lorenzo, when a girl came and sat next to me.

‘Hey,’ she said boredly. ‘Haven’t seen you here before.’

I didn’t respond. It was kind of obvious that I hadn’t been there before. She said it as though she’d been here a lot, and I kind of felt sorry for her. She hadn’t spoken in the group circle before that I remembered. Her attitude kind of reminded me of my own. She seemed, okay; her hair was dyed white and pink, and she had a couple of bruises on her arm. Her eyes were dark brown, almost black. When I didn’t say anything, she looked me up and down.

‘Not a talker, huh?’ I shook my head in response.

‘That’s okay, you will be in about a month. Everyone starts talking at some point. You have to, if you don’t want to go insane. Well, more insane than you already are,’ she paused. ‘But we’re not supposed to refer to ourselves as insane. We’re just as normal as everyone else.’ She sounded so bitter.

I was getting a little uncomfortable; she was so open about it all.

‘I’m Niamh, by the way. I live here, in the hospital,’ she added.

‘You live here?’ I was startled enough to conclude my silence.

‘Yeah, have done since I was, like, 9 or something stupid like that. I’m 16 now,’ she said indifferently.

‘I would have gone crazy being stuck here for 7 years,’ I murmured softly. ‘How do you manage?’

‘Honestly, I’ve given up caring. Once I’m 18, I can get out of this hell-hole.’

‘What if they just stick you in an adult’s ward?’

‘I’ll be an adult – they can’t force me to. The only reason I’d end up there is if I chose to go, which is never gonna happen. Enough about me. Why are you stuck here?’ she focused on me. I was feeling slightly more open to the idea of sharing after my session this morning.

‘I, uh, um… suicide attempt. Depression. You know,’ I said awkwardly.

‘Same. Life’s pretty shit, isn’t it. What about your parents?’

‘I’d rather not talk about that,’ I whispered so softly I don’t think she heard. Lorenzo had gone by that point; I think he was scared.

‘Did they just dump you here? Or are they making you come ‘for your own good’? If they are, that’s bullshit,’ she rambled on.

‘Shut up,’ I said a little louder.

‘What, daddy issues or some shit?’

‘SHUT UP!’

Almost immediately, two staff members came over to me, grabbed my arm, and basically dragged me out of the room. I didn’t fight it; I couldn’t be bothered, honestly. I ended up being locked in a padded room with absolutely nothing in it.

I sat in a corner and hugged my knees. Then a voice came over the loudspeaker.

‘Kellin, you’re now in the harmony room.’ What a dumb name.

‘We understand that you’re angry, but you need to just try to calm down, and think about what just happened. You’ll be in here until we think you’re in a state to come out. If you need anything at all, just say it – we can hear you. Do you understand?’

Oh, I understood. But I was pissed now. I wasn’t a child; I didn’t want to be spoken to like I was one. So I said nothing.

‘Kellin? Can you hear me?’

I stared at my knees, refusing to acknowledge whoever was speaking. About a minute later, a man in scrubs came in and stood me up.

‘Kellin, can you hear me? Kellin?’ he snapped his fingers in my face, clapped his hands, shook his hand in my face. I concentrated on keeping my face blank and uninterested. He left. I sat back down.

After what felt like about half an hour later, the loudspeaker sounded again.

‘Kellin, there’s someone here to see you.’

The door opened; I didn’t bother looking to see who it was. I didn’t really want anything. I knew that I would have to acknowledge them to get out of there. But I figured if I don’t say anything at all, they’d have to let me go at the end of my four hours. But when a familiar voice sounded, I couldn’t help my gaze jumping to theirs.

‘Kellin, what are you doing? You and I both know that you can hear everything perfectly well. So what’s wrong?’ Vic asked me.

We stared at each other for a while; the silence was deafening. I was waging an inner battle. On one hand, I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of having made me talk. On the other hand, I really wanted to get out of there. Eventually, the latter won out.

‘I don’t want to be talked to like a kid,’ came my barely audible whisper.

‘You don’t have to be. Just answer the questions,’ he explained patiently. ‘That’s all you have to do.’

He didn’t get it. No one got it. I should stop expecting them to. I was so fucking over everything; I needed to get home and back to that razor. I was too stressed; I forgot everything that Dr Jardine had said, and I didn’t want to remember. I wanted to do this. I wanted to feel my blood leave my body. I didn’t know how far I wanted to go. But I knew it was pretty far.

To get that, I had to answer them. ‘Fine.’

‘Okay, that’s great,’ he said, overly careful and happy.

‘Kellin, how do you feel? Are you angry?’ Yes.

‘No.’

‘Do you want to hurt Niamh or anyone else at all?’ Vic looked at me. Only myself.

‘No.’

‘Why did you shout at Niamh?’ Because she was being a bitch.

‘Because she asked me some questions I didn’t want to answer.’

‘What were those questions about?’ Shit. Now what?

‘My… my p-parents.’ If they asked any more questions I swear to God I would snap and hurt someone. Probably Vic, as he was the only person in reach.

‘Do you think you’re ready to come out?’

‘Yes.’

‘Alright, Mr Fuentes, you two can leave now. If you think he’s in a stable condition, that is.’

It was like I wasn’t there. Nobody gave a shit about how I felt. Vic held out his hand, and I took it, giving what I hoped looked like a sorry smile, and not a grimace. He smiled in response, so it must have worked. The door opened, and I was led outside into the parking lot, where Vic’s car was parked. He got in, and I got in, and our journey began.

For about 10 minutes, we were silent. I stared out the window and tried not to show any signs of wanting to communicate. Apparently, Vic couldn’t take it.

‘Kellin, I am so, so sorry, this is all my fault, I can’t believe I treated you like that, I’m so sorry, I should have tried harder…’

‘Vic, it’s okay, it wasn’t your fault,’ I cut in. ‘It was that girl.’

‘Yeah, but I was a dick to you last night, and you might not—‘

‘No. last night was a bad point for me. I… I sort of relived what used to happen, you know? I don’t like physical contact. At all. I got very self-conscious, and I sort of lost the plot when you… just, it wasn’t your fault, okay?’ I finished. That may have been the most I’d ever said at once since I’d arrived here.

‘I… if you’re sure,’ he seemed uncomfortable still. ‘Did you see the note on your door this morning?’

Shit. I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go through this. ‘Uh, yeah.’

‘Did you think about it at all? It’s okay if you didn’t,’ he added. ‘I guess you probably don’t want to have to think about it with therapy and all.’

‘Yeah, I don’t really get the opportunity to do much besides therapy there,’ I said bitterly. I really hated that place.

‘Well, if you don’t remember, the question was what your motivation to recover was.’ I remembered. ‘What… what is yours?

I thought about that for a while. My first thought was that I didn’t have any, but I realised that wasn’t true. i thought about what was good in my life. At the moment, I guessed that was the few – I supposed friends – I’d made in San Diego. Jack, Vic. Jack’s friends were alright too. Mike I supposed would come under that category. Dr Jardine was cool. I remembered what she’d told me this morning.

‘If there is anyone at all in your life who is on your side, don’t push them away. Grasp on to them, and hold on as tight as you can.’

Who was on my side? All of those people, plus Mr and Mrs Fuentes. Was any one person better to me than the others? Slowly, it dawned on me that Vic was that person. He had got me started on this shit, and seemed to want me to go through with it. He was the one that found me that day on the cliff. It seemed like so long ago, even though it was three days. He had found me the few times I’d cut myself and tried to fix me. For some reason, I didn't want to go home and cut myself anymore. For today. He seemed to be the only motivation I had.

But how the hell was I supposed to tell him that?

‘I guess… the fact that someday I can just get away from everything,’ I made up on the spot. ‘That I can just leave all this behind and go off and do my own thing, you know?’

He turned to look at me and smiled, his entire face lighting up. ‘Yeah, I get it.’

I couldn’t admit that the only reason I was trying to get better was him! It would just sound stupid. Who would even be stupid enough to believe that? He’d just go ‘What is it really?’ And he’d laugh at me and I’d see his cute smile and –

Did I just call his smile cute?

  Later that evening, Vivian knocked on my door and came in.

‘Kellin, there’s someone on the phone for you.’

‘Hello?’ I answered dully.

‘Kellin, man, where were you today?’

‘Oh, I, um, had to go to, a, uh, dentist appointment,’ I lied. ‘Just a check-up.’

‘That’s cool. Anyway, I wanted to know if you’re actually going to Danny’s party on the weekend, ‘cause my mom really liked you yesterday and said you ‘seem like a good influence’ or some shit. Basically, I can go if you’re going.’

‘Well, I guess that’s good news for you, because I am going. Why, I don’t know. But I am.’ I was a lot easier and more comfortable around Jack. I guessed it was because I didn’t have to worry about what he’d think of me. Which made absolutely no sense.

‘You are the bomb! Dot com! And I don’t use that for many people, man!’

‘Really? ‘The bomb dot com’? That’s actually so lame, Jack.’

‘You know you love it. Anyway, what’s your phone number? Not this one, cause I don’t want to have to go through Mrs Fuentes every time I want to talk to you. I’ll text you the details and we can pick you up, yeah?’

‘Uh, sure. I’m not really sure though, cause Mike’s going as well and I kind of have to take care of him. He’s actually only allowed to go if Vic and I go.’

‘That’s rough, dude. But my dad has a giant van; we can give you all a lift, if you want.’

‘That’s awesome, dude!’ I was trying to sound excited for his sake. In all honesty, I was dreading it. I had been planning on leaving early and faking a stomach ache, but it didn’t look like that would be possible now.

After a few more moments of idle chatter, I was called to dinner, and had to leave. I told the Fuentes’ about Jack’s plan over dinner, and they seemed to be okay with it. I then spent the rest of the evening in my room, thinking about the day’s events. No one had commented on my leaving the mental hospital early besides Vivian, who explained that she had had to send Vic because she was at work.

I was sitting on my bed at about 1:30 that morning, after trying and failing to sleep, when I saw someone standing outside the house on the opposite side of the road, waiting. I watched for a while, wondering what they were doing. After a few moments, a figure exited the Fuentes’ house – a very tall and skinny one – and walked over to the figure. They stood there for a few moments, before walking away from the house.

  When I didn’t come out of the bathroom, Vic decided it would be a good idea to unscrew the door from its hinges and come in and get me. Somehow, I slept through the entire thing, and when he’d seen that I was okay, only sleeping, he had apparently picked me up and carried me to my room, where I woke up the next morning.

Today was Wednesday, the day of my next session at Sacred Heart. I was not looking forward to it. Dr Dawson was a tool, and I didn’t want to be there. Plus I would be attending my first group session, which I also didn’t want to do. Who the hell wants to spend four hours with other people who are just as fucked up as you are? I have my own shit to deal with; I didn’t want theirs, and I sure as hell didn’t want them knowing mine.

Not long after I woke up, Vivian came to my door telling me we’d be leaving in an hour, so I should get ready. As she closed the door, I noticed there was another note on it, probably from Vic. I sighed, knowing what it would say.

Kellin

I am so, so sorry about yesterday. Are you okay? I didn’t know you would react like that, and I swear to God I did not want to hurt you on purpose.

Yeah right.

I’ll tell you today’s question in the car to school, yeah? Mike spent the night at a friend’s.

Vic

No, he wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t be at school.

Shuffling into the bathroom, trying not to wake anyone, I turned on the shower and stood under the warm water. Looking down at my abdomen, I saw that the fresh cuts were slightly shallower than I’d expected, or even intended. I frowned. Why would that be? Shrugging it off, I carried on with my morning.

  Upon my arrival at Sacred Heart, I discovered that they ran things differently, and that I’d be having a different psychologist every week, pretty much. I didn’t read too much into that; I didn’t care enough.

Sure enough, when I went to the office I was in last time, the nameplace on the desk read Dr Jardine, and sitting behind the desk was the very woman who got me sent here.

‘Kellin!’ she exclaimed, standing up and coming around from behind her desk to sit on it instead. ‘I wasn’t expecting you yet.’

I glanced at the clock; it told me that I was a few minutes early. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s fine, just gives us a bit more time to talk,’ she said cheerily. Great. I sat down, and waited for the onslaught to begin. ‘So, Kellin. How do you like San Diego so far? My cousin lives here, and he says the weather is so amazing it’s unreal.’

I shrugged non-committally. ‘It’s okay. I don’t particularly like the sun.’

‘What? How can you not like the sun?’ she cried. ‘It’s great!

‘I don’t know; I just don’t,’ I said cautiously. This was very different to my last session.

‘What, so you like the rain and clouds?’ she asked dubiously.

‘No.’

‘Then what weather do you like?’

‘Snow,’ was the answer that came instantly to mind.

‘Why on earth do you like snow?’ she looked betrayed, in a comical way.

I was 6. We were on holiday in Germany. It was Christmas day.

‘Kellin, honey, wake up! It snowed!’ my mom woke me.

I opened my eyes immediately. Snow! I’d never seen it before, as I lived in the city. I couldn’t believe my luck. And on Christmas day too! I rushed over to the window, where there was a thick layer of white powder on everything outside. It even lined the window.

‘Merry Christmas, Kellin,’ I heard my parents say together from behind me.

I turned around to see them standing there, their arms arounf each other, smiling at me.

‘Can we go build a snowman?’ I asked excitedly.

‘Sure we can, champ,’ my dad said. ‘Come on, let’s go!’

We spent the day in the nearby forest, laughing and having snowball fights, sledding, making snow angels. My mom brought a picnic for lunch, and we only went home when it was dark.

It was the last time we were all really happy.

‘No reason.’

‘Whatever, Kellin, I’ll leave you to your cold-worshipping ways, that I can’t understand,’ she said melodramatically. ‘Now, I’m afraid we have to get down to the real talk. I’m not actually going to be here regularly, just so you know. I was called here for another patient who is proving too difficult for the staff here to handle, and I wanted to check on you while I was here.’

‘Okay.’

‘Well, I kind of get that you don’t like answering personal questions, Kell, so I only want you to answer if you feel comfortable, okay?’

‘Sure.’

‘Let’s get into it then. So, diving in headfirst, have you self-harmed yourself since you’ve been in San Diego?’

I had. Could I admit it?

‘Yeah,’ I muttered under my breath. She heard.

‘Oh, Kellin,’ she sighed sadly. ‘Can I… can I see? Please?’

I shook my head violently. Not after last night.

‘That’s fine, that’s okay. Was it very bad? Like, do you need to go to hospital bad?’

‘Isn’t that why I’m at this hospital?’ I asked quietly.

‘Touché. How many times?’ she questioned.

‘Twice.’ It was easier to answer these questions than to admit that I had indeed cut myself.

‘On your arms?’ I nodded.

‘What caused it?’

That shut me up. I wasn’t going to explain the whole incident yesterday with Vic, and it was too complicated to explain Vic’s swing. I said nothing, and stared at the same knot in the floor that I had last time.

Dr Jardine seemed to notice, and she sighed.

‘Kellin, I want to tell you a story about a girl I once knew. Let’s call her Taylor. She was very much like you; she was depressed, lived with an abusive father, and had exactly one friend. She eventually ran away and went to stay with that friend, which was a very, very bad choice. The friend was an alcoholic, and the managed to get Taylor involved in some pretty messed up sh—stuff. Taylor ended up in an abusive relationship as well. She was convinced she was in love with him, and when her friend died, she had nowhere else to go.

‘So she stayed with this man. He was so violent that he broke her bones a few times. She started attempting suicide, but she failed. After the first attempt, she woke up to her boyfriend sitting in the chair next to her bed. She thought that maybe he’d changed, and realised how much he loved her; but he wanted to make sure no one knew he’d hurt her. The same thing happened around 4 or 5 times, until eventually a very kind doctor decided to actually take an interest in her. They became friends while Taylor was in hospital all that time, and eventually when she was released after her eighth attempt, he invited her to come to some sessions he was having.

‘He didn’t tell her what they were, and when she showed up, they were therapy sessions. She nearly ran out of there, but he caught her and begged her to stay, and when she did stay, and she heard other people’s stories, she realised what had happened, and how she wanted to change. So she kept going to therapy, and she moved on from her problems. She and the doctor fell in love, over time.’

I’d been enraptured this entire time. I didn’t know what it was, but I desperately needed to know what happened.

‘She moved past her depression, and she surrounded herself with people who were good for her. She went to college, got married, had a baby. She even started running therapy sessions of her own on weekends. I can show you a picture of her, if you want?’ she asked, hand going to her pocket for her phone.

I nodded.

After a couple of taps, she pulled up a photograph on her iPhone. The girl in the picture was identical to Dr Jardine.

‘Was that…?’ I asked, unable to finish my sentence.

‘Yes, that girl was me,’ she said, not sounding particularly emotional.

‘How… How did you tell me that without, I don’t know… crying, or something? I couldn’t have,’ I exclaimed.

‘Because I don’t relate to that girl anymore. She’s a very different person to who I am now, and of that, I am very proud. The point of that story, Kellin, was that you can’t get through this on your own. People with your condition often either think they can, or don’t try to move on, and that’s the problem. My husband was the one who helped me through my depression. He inspired me to actually do something with myself, and I became a doctor just like him, so that I could help others in the same way he helped me,’ she almost glowed when she talked about him.

‘That’s… wow,’ I said, still slightly speechless.

‘I want you to promise me, Kellin, that you will try to do the same.  If there is anyone at all in your life who is on your side, don’t push them away. Grasp on to them, and hold them as tightly as you can. You can get over this, Kellin, I swear to God. I know that it will take time, but you have to start somewhere. Baby steps. That first baby step, at least for you, is talking. To who, it doesn’t matter, as long as they listen. These therapy sessions with counsellors are designed to give you that one person who will listen. And they can almost always give you advice on how to move through. We’re trained to do that.’

‘Okay,’ I whispered in a small voice.

Glancing at the clock, I noticed that we had 5 minutes left before I had to go. Dr Jardine – Taylor – saw as well, and stood up, going back behind her desk, but not sitting down.

‘Well, Kellin, I hope you got something out of today. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to have you for sessions anymore; this was a one-off. But if I’m ever in town, I promise I will give you however much of my time you need, yeah?’ I nodded, my throat getting a bit thick. I stood up.

‘Thank you, Dr Jardine,’ I murmured.

She rolled her eyes. ‘Call me Tay, please. And come here! You’re not my current favourite patient for nothing.’ She held out her arms.

Hesitantly, I walked over to her, and she embraced me in a tight hug.

‘You’re stronger than this,’ she whispered in my ear. When she let me go, I smiled, for the first time in a long time, before mumbling 'thank you' one more time and leaving.

I decided I’d go for a walk, get some fresh air. The sun had barely risen; enough time for me to walk a fair distance and back before breakfast. I got dressed in my usual jeans and long sleeve t-shirt, and was on my way out of my room when I saw a note taped to my door.

Kellin— I’m not going to be at school today, I have an appointment. You and Mike need to get to school another way. DO NOT LET HIM DRIVE.

Today’s question is ‘what part of your body is most affected?’ I’ll be back later in the afternoon. We can talk about it then.

Have fun.

-Vic

An appointment? Was he just ditching again? I guessed I’d find out later. For now, though, I was going to go and burn calories I didn’t need to.

I didn’t bother leaving a note for the Fuentes’. I’d be back before they could worry.

I headed down the street, taking note of where I turned so I could find my way back. My muscles were stiff from not moving much overnight, but it was nice to stretch them for once. I never really got the opportunity to do this back in Oregon; it was too dangerous. My area of the city wasn’t very nice, so it wasn’t safe to walk around unless it was the middle of the day.

I pushed thoughts of today’s question out of my head; I could deal with them later with Vic. Instead I forced myself to think about anything other than that; how nice the day was going to be, from the looks of it, how I’d blown off the guys yesterday afternoon and how I would say yes next time, how I was apparently going to a party on Friday night. Hell, I was not looking forward to that.

After what felt like a half hour of walking away from the house, I turned around and walked back. When I got home, no one was even up yet, so I went back to my room and lay down on my bed, thinking still. I started to wonder where Vic was. I’d ask Mike later.

And there was my main problem, which I had conveniently forgotten – Mike put someone in hospital. His parents didn’t seem too worried about anything he might have done, from what I could tell. I couldn’t ask; for one thing, how the hell do you say ‘hey, I heard you put a guy in hospital. True?’. Also, Jack had asked me not to mention his name, and Mike would surely ask where I’d found out. My only real option was to wait until he decided to tell me.

When I went down for breakfast, Mike was surprisingly already there.

‘Kellin, hey. We have to get the bus this morning, unless you want me to call Jaime or Tony,’ he said through a mouthful of cereal.

‘Uh, I’m fine with whatever,’ I shrugged, getting my own bowl. I didn’t want to piss the guy off now; I was so scared!

‘I could drive, I suppose…’

‘Vic told me not to let you drive,’ I said drily.

He mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like ‘motherfucker’ under his breath. ‘Anyway, mom and dad are gone for this afternoon. I don’t really plan on doing much; if you want me to like, show you around town or something, let me know. Otherwise I’ll probably make plans with someone at school.’

‘Nah, I’m fine. Go do what you want.’

‘Sweet! I really don’t want to have to deal with people on the bus, so I’m gonna call Jaime, alright?’ I nodded. Finishing my food, I headed upstairs and sat on my bed waiting. A moment or two later, Mike popped his head around my doorway and said ‘He’ll be here in two.’ I went to the bathroom, quickly brushed my teeth, grabbed my bag, and headed downstairs, where Jaime was parked but Mike was not in the car.

‘Hey, Kellin,’ he greeted me.

‘Hey, I murmured back shyly. I still wasn’t particularly comfortable around him, or Tony. I just didn’t know them that well. Mike came running out the house a moment later, and we headed to school.

  Seven torturous hours later, I was standing at my locker, trying to figure out what to do about getting home, when Jack showed up unexpectedly.

‘Yo, Kellin, I know you couldn’t come yesterday, but I saw Mike leaving school today with Oli Sykes, and Vic wasn’t here today, so I figured you’d be free, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over?’ he blurted out quickly.

I smiled. ‘Sounds great.’

‘Awesome! Let’s go.’

 Jack lived, like, two streets away from school, so we walked. When we got there, his mom greeted us. She was scarily nice. She even offered to make us food!

‘No, mom, we’re fine,’ Jack mumbled, going red. He then grabbed my hand and dragged me down to their basement, where there was a giant tv and a wall basically full of cds, movies, and video games.

‘Oh my God, dude, you have so much stuff…’ I trailed off, staring in awe.

‘Yeah, my older brother’s kind of a nerd, so it’s all his,’ Jack said, voice slightly off. I frowned.

‘I thought you were an only child?’ I asked, honestly caught off guard.

‘Okay, maybe they’re mine,’ he said embarrassedly. I laughed; I could tell the afternoon would be one of the best I’d ever had.

And it was. We played a bunch of games (Jack destroyed me in every single one), watched a movie, and just sat and talked. Jack was probably the best friend I’d ever had; better than Laura or Jackson had ever been. I was never really their friend, though. I just sort of tagged along with them.

Eventually, it got to about 7pm, and I figured I should head home.

‘Alright man, I’ll drive you there,’ Jack said happily.

When we got there, which was surprisingly not long after we left, I saw Vic pacing through the window.

‘Well, thanks for this afternoon, man, it was great,’ I said awkwardly. ‘And thanks for the lift, too.’

‘It’s no problem, seriously. Come over whenever you want. I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess,’ he said, and smiled before driving off.

I made my way inside, feeling happy for the first time in a while, until I was accosted by Vic.

‘Where the hell were you?!’ he demanded, and he looked furious.

‘I-I was at J-Jack’s house,’ I stuttered, nervous as hell.

‘Why didn’t you tell me? Or Mike? Why were you even there?’ he said, seeming to calm slightly. ‘And where is he, too?’

‘I couldn’t really tell you, it was sort of last minute. And Mike apparently ditched school with someone whose name I don’t remember –‘

‘Was it Oli Sykes?’ he asked quickly.

‘Uh, yeah, that sounds like it could be it.’ He looked away for a moment. Seeming to lose all of his former rage, he stepped back from me and leaned against the wall.

‘I’m sorry I jumped down your throat. I was… worried, I guess. I thought… I thought…’ he seemed not to be able to say it, and instead slumped down the wall. I understood what he was trying to say, though, and sat down next to him.

‘Well, I didn’t,’ I said softly.

‘I know. And that’s great,’ he said, smiling, before he paused.

‘Did you think about today’s question?’ he asked after a moment or two of silence.

‘Shit, no. I forgot it,’ I said in apology.

‘What part of your body is most affected.’ Oh. Right.

I thought about that for a second. It was kind of hard to figure out; I had more cuts on my body, but the ones on my arms were deeper. I ended up deciding that they were just as bad as each other.

‘My torso, and arms,’ I whispered. He looked at me sadly for a moment.

‘Can I… can I see? Please?’ This I hadn’t bargained on, and I froze. ‘Only if you want to,’ he added quickly.

Could I show him? It was like a test. Slowly, I stood up, and motioned for him to do the same, which he did. Gently, I tugged my shirt off, and pushed my pants down slightly, so he could see the worst of it. He gasped.

‘There’s so many,’ he breathed, probably to himself, but I heard. It didn’t bother me too much; I knew there were. Without my realising, he stretched out a hand to touch them. I flinched at the contact, and shied away.

‘Kellin, it’s okay,’ he began, but I was gone. I went straight for the bathroom, and locked myself in there.

I could hear him shouting and banging on the door, but ignored it. I began to cry. I had thought he would just leave it at seeing them. But it was too much. It reminded me of what would happen when Mark and Tom got me after school, and why I did what I did, and I broke. I searched through the drawers, and eventually found what I was looking for.

The blade came down on my stomach and slowly, red dots began to appear. I wasn’t going to go too deep, but I needed to do this. Slowly, I carved a T, and smiled, continuing. When I’d finished, I looked at my handiwork.

TOO HARD