#lyneff

Best intentions aside, she would always wound him, and he’d imprudently allow it, bandaging them temporarily and letting her reopen them after they’d scabbed over, leaving him with permanent scarring reminders.

Why was he continuing to forgive her? What would be the breaking point when she’d broken him enough and he just kept getting up from the fight, believing that they were entitled to a new outcome?

At what point did ‘that’s what you do for love’ fade into abuse? Jeff was beginning to sense similarities between the two.

How much better was he? He who had spent two years in emotional denial, pouring out his turmoil into temporary connections, heated kisses, false words, and meaningless sex to gain some twisted form of vengeance and control. He who had hidden the disillusion in late nights, sobered headaches, strained injuries, and solitary neurosis.

As much as he’d left her for the bright lights, busy schedules, big city environment of California life, she’d never left his mind. She haunted him in his worst ways possible, feeding insomnia into his daily routine, triggered words through one time lovers he’d send out of the door, and paralleled reminders on social media that the distractions of an ‘entertainment capital’ couldn’t save you from yourself.

And that didn’t even cover the paper cut pains of nostalgic notes, photographs, emails, even family questions over dinner tables - all nagging reminders of the unfinished business that had taken over his room, computer, and burial space inside his memory bank.

It should’ve been better, easier even, when he found out that at least one of them had moved on. But it wasn’t.

It was an offhand comment, a prediction that he’d been kept in the loop, that he’d known the little secret paradise they’d been living in. It was never meant to send him running into a tailspin of reminders that he’d not settled down yet. That he’d not gotten over it after two years. That he was still hung up on a girl who’d not spoken to him since graduation, and even then it’d had been sparse.

Out of all of them, Brody was the first to move on.

Out of all of them, Brody had succeeded.

Out of all of them, Brody was happy.

Brody.

Of fucking course.

He could run as far from the past as he wanted, but something would always drag him back.

When she’d shown up that night, he felt as if they’d become a mirrored image of each other. They’d escaped to cities to cover up their faults and reminders of one another, only to be drowned by their own selves, realizing that they couldn’t escape their own insecurities, and shame.

It was never about forgiving each other. It was about forgiving themselves and neither one had reached that point.

They’d once again ignored the chaos around them and jumped headfirst back into the addiction. - Maybe that’s what they’d always be?; a rush, a break from reality, a temporary release, just as much as they were an unbreakable habit, a relapse, a debilitation.

Maybe she was his heroine all along, and he’d simply confused the dual terminology.

Jeff stared around at the space around him. It wasn’t even organized chaos anymore. He had so much unfinished business around him. He’d thought he was on the right path. He was devoting his energy to choreography, frequent apartment visitations, genuine communication with the redeemed girlfriend, balancing everything equally and keeping himself afloat.

How much of his relationship was real, and how much of it was an attempt to hold onto the past? How could he keep trusting her? How could he not expect the worst? How could he not just wait for the betrayal to hit him, as it so often had before? How could he believe things would change? How could he not draw the conclusion that the girl who ran from responsibility and commitment wouldn’t do it again? She hadn’t even finalized her majors. How was he to believe she would ever finalize her decision about him?

She could say the right thing. She had that way about her, even if she always claimed Brody was the writer between the three of them. She could always sway him with promises and “genuine confessions”. She didn’t do it often, so he’d always believed she meant them, but how much of this was a catch and release game to her? Was he ever going to be good enough? Was he ever going to amount to what she really wanted?

Didn’t the saying go, if you love someone, let them go?

Why couldn’t she let him?

Or was the question now, why couldn’t he let her?

Was he so used to being second best, that he couldn’t accept that she’d converted him to the one and only prize? Or was it a threat of settling? How important was he, if she had taken this long to choose him over anyone? What was his shelf life value? What if someone better, something better, came along and stole her heart from him yet again? Would she still leave? Why did he always have to convince not to?

Why was it that when she finally wanted to stay on her own terms, he hesitated to let her?

They’d both been clouded in smoke and mirrors, sheltering from storms for so long, that they didn’t know how to deal with it now that it had cleared.

How twisted was that? Did they truly prefer the chaos to calm waters?

Jeff glanced at the suitcase he’d left his phone inside. Why were they both so caught up in preparing for the end, and forgetting to appreciate what they already had? Or was it that they knew it was inevitable, and were just too scared to admit it?

Maybe he was overreacting.

It wasn’t meant to be a bad phone call.

She had warned him in advance.

And what did he do? Shut her down when she’d finally been honest with him from the start, and open up about one of the hardest parts of her life.

Relationships never came easy to her. Trust never came easy to her. Losing people was something she predicted. She was the one who had endured two people break up with her in a period of a few weeks, and was calling him to give him notice, and let him know that even though everyone around her had left, she wasn’t going to run from him in some act of self-punishment.

That was progress. And all he had done was keep quiet and then leave her to run the entire conversation through her head just as he’d done, and blame herself, again.

Maybe he had gone too far.

After all, he had felt his stomach sink at the honesty of hearing her say that she always came back to him. He had felt so one-sided about being the one to chase her down, convince her of her worth, convince her to hold onto what they had and ride out the storm. All this time, he felt like it was him getting swept up in her tornado, and everything changed when she finally admitted that she wanted him; she came back for him; she kept hunting him down when she could have anyone else.

It wasn’t some sick torture. She still loved him. She’d never stopped.

What if all this time, he’d only been holding her back, telling her how amazing she was, when she was fighting against herself and convincing herself she wasn’t worthy of a happy ending. He’d kept giving her glimpses of hope, and she kept watching the chances disappear and let the disappointment seep into her life while he sat on the sidelines telling her how wonderful she was when she couldn’t see anything besides the fog.

He’d spent their whole relationship praising her, and when she finally showed her flawed humanity for the first time, he’d overreacted. He’d been a part of their entire world falling apart. He’d been apart of the confliction of her life, and he’d spent a large portion of it blaming her. The boy who had instilled so much happiness and hope in her, building her self-esteem and sharing her as a crucial part of his life, only to join in the abandonment and criticism.

All this time he battled with himself on how he could trust her again, when she probably hid the same feelings for him. Neither of them were innocent. He couldn’t keep pretending that everything that went wrong was Lynette’s doing.

She had started out their revival with honesty, timid as it was, she’d tried to keep him informed. She’d known how much she hurt him, and worked on improving those faults, and once again he’d thrown that genuine communication back in her face.

He hadn’t been selfish asking for more time to understand everything. That was allowed, but maybe he should’ve chosen his words more carefully.

Maybe he needed a second opinion, and if anyone could stay neutral and have a good understanding of both of their perspectives, there was a particular phone call to make.

Jeff shifted off the crumbled sheets to grab his phone and reluctantly turn it back on. Scrolling through his contacts, he pressed the Call button and waited for them to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Brody?”

“Hey Jeff.”

“I need to ask you something. It’s about Lyn.”

“I know.”

“Of course she called you.” Jeff sighed, brushing his hair back with his free hand.

Brody shrugged on the other end. “Guilty as charged. She wanted advice too. I take it she told you.”

“Yeah.. I told her I needed time, and now think that might have been the worst thing to tell her.” Jeff frowned, climbing back under the covers and leaning against propped up pillows.

“No, you’re entitled to that.” Brody protested. “You were involved in the relationship too.”

“She told me she… I mean… She picked me over them. She didn’t want to say it, but she lost them because of me…” Jeff sighed, taking in the silence. “She’s never done that before. She’s never made me feel like that.”

Brody smiled softly, “She loves you. She never stopped. She told us that, too.”

“Seb’s with you?” Jeff asked before rolling his eyes. “Of course he is, forget I asked.”

“You miss me, blondie?” Sebastian yelled in the background.

“Tell him I did. It’s kind of nice to be back, kind of like returning to the drama, too, though.” Jeff shrugged. “Never easy with us, yeah?”

“Easy is boring.” Brody smirked.

“You’d know that for sure with what you signed up for with that little shit.” Jeff smiled.

“Watch your mouth, Sterling. We both know I’m not little.” Sebastian smirked, stealing the phone from Brody. “What’s up? You said you wanted time, and now you’re calling us for advice, so really, I’d say you need my shit self around.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Jeff smiled softly, before taking in the words and realizing they should be directed to someone else. “We keep going in circles… I know she’s trying, and I am almost asking too much of her sometimes, but I can’t help but keep getting caught up in our bad habits. How am I supposed to trust that she wants me for me, and not just because they all broke up and I’m the one left in the wreckage?”

“That’s not up to me, kiddo.” Sebastian sighed knowingly. “I know you have your doubts, but I’ve never seen her care about someone as much as she loves you. She is always caught up on you. Everything she’s done she compares to your relationship. Plus, considering that I took Brody out of the equation, you two are the ones who have to sort out your shit.” He tried teasing to lighten the mood.

Jeff groaned and leant back staring at the ceiling. “Don’t remind me. How is it that after all this time, we’re still caught up on the same problems?”

“Because your story’s not over yet.” Brody piped up.

“Well, you have to believe him, since he’s the writer in the family.” Sebastian agreed.

Jeff shook his head with a grin. “Not helping.”

“You can’t ask for our help and then reject it.” Sebastian pouted.

“I didn’t ask for yours.” Jeff reminded with a smirk.

“You did say you missed him.” Brody reminded, taking Sebastian’s side.

Jeff smiled sadly at their banter, reminiscing on the underlying question of when he was finally going to have that type of comfortable trust. He wanted it with Lyn. He’d wanted the whole stereotypical future with Lyn once before. They were already working on building it back again. What was the hold up?

“You still there, blondie?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s bothering you the most? The fact she isn’t with them, or the fact that she wanted to be with you ever since you started things over?” Sebastian asked, trying to pry him into a conclusion.

“I don’t know…” Jeff whined, lying through his teeth.

“Jeff.” Sebastian warned sternly.

“Why is it that she always seems to want me when she’s lost someone else?” Jeff sighed, fiddling with his fringe.

“Maybe it’s bad timing? Or maybe it’s good, because she realizes the important thing that she doesn’t want to lose.” Sebastian suggested, making obscene heart eyes at Brody, causing him to turn pink in embarrassment at the gesture.

“Losing you is probably her biggest regret, Jeff. I think she’s spent all of this time trying to make up for it, and get you back, even if she can’t show it properly.” Brody filled in the silence, knowing that Jeff would have to take in that honesty coming from him especially.

“I know… I know that… I just-” Jeff cut himself off, letting out a jagged breath.

“You want to believe her but you’re scared to trust her like this again and get hurt.” Brody finished for him in a quieter tone, trying to empathize with his current state that was drifting into instability.

“Yeah…” Jeff sighed again, trying to get his emotions controlled. “I always let her back. I always forgive her even after she takes my heart with her when she runs from me. I always let her do this to me, and I’m so scared she’s doing this to settle, and she’s going to regret it… She did it before… with you…” He bit his lip, swallowing hard and shutting his eyes silently cursing himself for letting the honesty be vocalized, especially to Brody.

“I understand that.” Brody nodded quietly. “But Jeff, do you really think she would keep coming back to you if she didn’t want to? She wants to do big things, just like you. You both had time apart from each other. You both had other people involved to try and get over each other, and you both keep getting pulled back like magnets. I think you’re both more scared of the truth because you’re not used to the happiness. I think you’re too nervous to admit that it’s a good thing. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to have it finally work out. It’s okay to realize that you can move on and have a life you never thought you deserved.”

If Sebastian’s heart eyes embarrassed him before, Brody was beet red now.

Both lines were silent for a few minutes as the words sunk in.

“You really have a gift with words, Bro.” Jeff smiled shyly, after gathering himself back up.

“Thanks.” Brody shrugged humbly, “But it’s all true. The way she feels about you… It’s like you’re her compass. You used to bring her home, and now that’s just all you are for her. Home. She just goes right to you now, and there’s nowhere she’d rather be.”

“If you don’t stop being sappy I’m going to get your boyfriend to shut you up.” Jeff laughed through watery eyes.

“I’d gladly oblige.” Sebastian grinned widely.

“I know you would.” Jeff laughed again. “...Thank you. Both of you… I guess I just needed some reassurance.”

Both boys nodded as Brody smiled in response. “That’s what we’re here for. Although we really should charge you two for all of this relationship advice.”

Jeff laughed again, before sobering up with a small smile. “I think I have somewhere else to be…”

“No problem, blondie.” Sebastian smiled softly. “You take care of yourself. And I mean that in the dirtiest way.”

“Oh my god, Sebastian.” Brody groaned in reply, making Jeff crack another grin.

“I’m always good to myself, Seb. Don’t you worry.”

“That’s my boy.”

Jeff shook his head, scoffing. “Seriously, thank you… I’m going to go talk things over with Lyn, and I’m sure you’ll get your gossip scoop in a couple days.”

“I expect nothing less. You know I’m going to be head of the old lady brigade when we’re all forced into high class nursing homes with martini IV’s and drug deals with the caretakers.” Sebastian smirked.

“That’s a slightly disturbing and intriguing mental image.” Jeff smiled in reply.

“You know I’d be amazing in drag.” Sebastian teased further, until Brody begged him to stop embarrassing himself or he’d start recording the comments for blackmail.

“We’ll let you go.” Brody added, taking the phone away from a loudly protesting Sebastian.

“Thanks again.” Jeff reminded, sincerely, making a mental note to really owe the kid next time they met up.

“No problem.”

Jeff hung up the phone, and started shoving the strewn clothes back in his suitcase haphazardly, then grabbing his laptop knowing exactly where he needed to be.