#luvity

Serim

      Serim sat at the edge of the bed. He watched as you paced back and forth across the multicolored rug you had picked out just a few weeks ago. You shook out your wrists and loosened your fingers as Serim slowly raised and lowered his arms trying his best to redirect your breathing.

      “In… and out… in… and out…” he tried his best to demonstrate and jog your memory on the techniques people had previously taught you. Today it was just taking a particularly long while. 

      “What’s the point! It’s not working!” You whined, continuing to pace the floor. 

      “It’ll work eventually, you just have to be patient.” Serim said. 

      “I don’t want eventually, I want now!” You mumbled to yourself, now stomping your feet on the carpet. “This sucks!” You moaned collapsing to the floor and rapidly chewing at your nails. 

      “It may suck but it’s totally normal.” Serim said “things are really hard on you right now, it makes sense to feel freaked out.”

      You groaned and clawed at your hair. Serim’s ability to remain calm in almost any situation where you felt like you were losing your goddamn mind was somehow both comforting and infuriating. “Oh. My. God.” You muttered angrily under your breath. You could feel the tension in your bones. It travelled through you and settled amidst each of your joints making you feel like a poorly made and fractured wooden doll. You felt internally rusted like the bumper on an old car. “You’re driving me insane.” You whispered under your breath as quietly as you could.

      “I heard that y’a know.”

      You looked up from your crouched over position on the floor to see Serim standing up from the bed and coming over to crouch down next to you. His refusal and near inability to ever get mad at you was something that made you truly love him. It was one of the many reasons you had asked him to move in with you and pick new furniture, and appliances, and rugs, and so so so much more… but it was also something unfamiliar. You weren’t used to someone being so unbothered by all of your moods. You weren’t used to him not batting an eye when your whole body locked up. You weren’t used to someone immediately trying to take action and not running in the other direction when your ploys for stress relief became self-destructive. You weren’t used to Serim.

      However you had to start getting used to him quickly, because he had already settled in with most of his stuff. You looked at him as he looked back at you, not a trace of animosity in his eyes. Serim simply waddled over to you, hunched over in the same position. With one hand lazily strewn across his knees and the other slowly patting your head. “Are you sure you don’t want to try the breathing again, and I mean actually try this time.” He looked at you expectantly waiting for some kind of response. Like two frogs squatting on a lily pad you two both sat there in silence for a moment. A very long moment. 

      You let out a long exasperated sigh and conceded “I’ll try the breathing exercises… again”.

      He didn’t do a very good job of hiding it but Serim did his best to conceal the fact that he was beaming on the inside.

      Later that night, the two of you had to sit down and have a long conversation about what it would be like living together. “As much as I love you and I want to be the one to take care of you, you know I can’t always be the one to remind you of what to do when you feel like you’re going to a dark place…” He said “Obviously I’m still going to be there for you… I just worry about what might happen when I’m gone for work or something” He confessed.

      “I know… and I don’t want you to worry about me. I just feel like I’ve been dealing with a lot lately and I’ve been taking it out on you.” Your voice was low and meek and you looked down while saying it. “I feel like I’m self sabotaging in more ways than one.” You admitted.

      “Well there’s nothing you could really do to sabotage our relationship.” Serim said earnestly reaching out a hand to grab yours and placing a gentle kiss on your cheek. “I just like you too much” he chuckled.

      It took a couple hours to get you to feel calm again. Serim had to pull your hands away from your mouth to stop you from chewing your nails down to minute nubs more times than he could count, but his ardent love for you would have him standing around and trying his best to keep your wits about you forever and ever. 

      No matter how many breakdowns, or meltdowns, or freakouts he had witnessed it wasn’t enough to deter him from you because Serim knew that you would do the same for him. Despite your near constant refusal to take care of your own mental health, he had experienced all the times you had looked out for his. The many times you put his needs above your own made any attempt on your part to try and scare him away totally futile. 

      Serim watched as you steadied your breathing, before taking out some of your frustration on all the cardboard boxes that needed to be broken down and taken to the recycling bin. Whenever it seemed like your blood pressure would begin to rise again Serim would simply give you a comforting hug from behind, resting his head between your neck and shoulders, humming softly; his aura just had a way of rubbing off on you. Did that mean that this would be the last time the two of you would ever have to have these sorts of conversations on these sorts of days? Absolutely not. But that din’t mean you couldn’t look forward to having them together…

Allen

You had run out of tears long ago but that didn’t stop you from sniffling through belabored breaths as you laid on the couch. Of course Allen stuck close behind. One arm wrapped around your waist and the other propping up his head to get a better view of the TV. 

      It didn’t take him long to realize you weren’t really crying at the cheesy movie splayed across the television screen. You were more wrapped up with something else. You swore it was nothing, and to you, that may have really been true! Sometimes you got emotional or overstimulated for reasons you couldn’t really understand, even if your boyfriend knew that there probably was some underlying specific reason. The reason didn’t always matter, what mattered was how you felt in the moment, and right now you felt… well neither of you were quite sure how to feel?

      “What’s wrong?” Allen whispered into your ear as he pulled you just a tiny bit closer. 

      “I really don’t know…” you said. You had been crying for so long that even if there was a reason for it in the first place you had forgotten it by now. 

      Allen snuggled closer to you as you did the same. Melting into his embrace and struggling to trace back the reason for your sadness, you still found it cathartic to let your emotions take over once in a blue moon. 

      Like a wave it washed over you at times though. You often had trouble experiencing your emotions but your emotions sure as hell had no trouble experiencing you. They had a way of taking you over that made it nearly impossible to focus on anything else while also making it incredibly difficult to pinpoint the triggers in the first place. 

      No matter what though, Allen always had a way of bringing you back to Earth. His calm and gentle demeanor, and carefree attitude made it so that you could always be yourself around him. Even if that self you needed to be wasn’t very pretty at times, he was always there taking notes and remembering things on how to help you better cope with your feelings the next time, and the next time…

      Sometimes your big heart and structureless brain hindered you, sometimes they made life harder. But sometimes those things brought you to people like Allen.

      The first time you ever cried in front of him felt mortifying! You were a complete blubbering mess and yet he still wanted to go out with you.

      “Everybody cries” he had told you, no sense of irony in his voice.

      “Yeah but I cry like… a lot” you responded.

      All he did was shrug. 

      Now here you two were, almost a year later and you were still a self prescribed crybaby. Though, Allen didn’t like it when you called your self that, he found it demeaning and reductive but he also could acknowledge that you did cry! A lot! Not that it made him like you any less it just made him want to look after for you extra hard. 

      Allen lightly patted your stomach in a delicate rhythm making sure to not pull too much attention to the ways in which he was trying to comfort you. Of course he was letting you cry (or at least try to) for as long as you needed and he hummed softly in time with his small taps, subtly helping you focus on something other than whatever thoughts were running around up in your head. He really was helping, you just didn’t realize it. He was so good at helping without you realizing in fact, that it took him a good amount of time to notice that you weren’t awake anymore. 

      “Hey do you want to maybe watch something else?” He asked no longer hearing sniffling and wondering if that would make you want to move on the something more cheerful. “Or do you want to… cry some more?” He asked quietly peeking his head over yours to get a good look at your face. “So cute” he audibly cooed seeing your puffy cheeks and eyes squished against the soft fabric of the couch with your mouth slightly agape. “You poor thing.” He said to himself with more affection in his voice than any sort of pity.

      Allen did his best to unlatch his arm from under you and move his legs that had found themselves intertwined with yours. He carefully wormed his way off of the couch and onto the carpet as quietly as possible. He reached an arm out to place it under your head and support your neck before pausing when you started fidgeting around again.

      You always were prone to talking in your sleep. “Allen…” you muttered unconsciously, repeating his name a few times before flopping over fully asleep and snoring again.

      Your boyfriend did the gentlemanly thing and supported your head before scooping you up and bringing you to his room. He made sure you were extra comfortable, covering every inch of you except the very top of your head in the biggest, fluffiest blanket he could find. You pawed at the blanket pulling it closer and Allen pushed some pillows into your arms as you began surrounding the pile of softness and fabric in your tight grip. You hugged them as if it were your boyfriend, none the wiser in your asleep state. Allen gave you a small peck on the part of your forehead that was still visible and quietly tiptoed out of the room.

He made sure to check on you every once in a while and rub your back or whisper something to you softly whenever you began tossing and turning again. He was used to regularly helping you fall back asleep when you had restless nights or night terrors so this was a walk in the park for him.

      The next morning you awoke to utter darkness before clawing your way out of the cocoon Allen had made for you. The sheer white curtains in his room billowed in the morning breeze as you rolled over and noticed a small glass of water and a little pharmacy bag on the nightstand next to you. You had no idea when he had the time to slip out and get those as it was still quite early in the morning but all that crying, and tossing, and turning always gave you the most viscous headache. You wasted no time in sitting up and taking the pain medicine from the little parcel and taking a big swig of water. 

      A few minutes later the door to his room ever so slightly creaked open as Allen did his best to quietly shimmy through the doorway. “Oh you’re awake! Sorry I didn’t get breakfast or anything I assumed you’d be out for a little while longer.” 

      You stuck out your bottom lip pouting and wordlessly outstretching both of your arms signaling with your hands for him to come over. He complied, hopping up onto the bed and giving you a giant bear hug. He pulled back to look at you as more tears welled up in your eyes but these ones were more positive. You always appreciated how caring Allen was, how quickly he would move to help you without a second thought and without him, you wondered how miserable an entire nighttime of crying alone followed by a morning of throbbing headaches you had to deal with all by yourself would have been. You hugged him tightly, showing your appreciation the best you could as Allen leaned back to wipe some of the tears out of your eyes, worry fading and turning into a quiet chuckle as he realized you were now mostly okay. 

      Allen looked over at his phone “yeah we’ve still got so much of the day left, do you want to sleep more?” You nodded and hugged him tighter planting a small kiss on his neck. “Do you want me to join you?” He asked. 

      “Of course!” you chimed, voice still groggy but incredibly sincere.

Jungmo

      Jungmo sat on the couch scrolling on his phone and playing with the collar of his tie as he waited for you to get ready. He hated having to dress up just to go to stuffy places and talk to a bunch of boring people and executives all night, but he had been invited to an upscale event and was required to go. At least he didn’t have to go alone, you were always down to join him in the things he found so boring, always whispering jokes and sharing drinks together in the corner of the room. He was excited to see what you would be wearing too! That was one of the few things helping him get excited for tonight. You were taking a little longer than usual to get ready but you also had an incredibly extensive closet and the biggest collection of accessories he had ever seen so he didn’t want to rush you. I mean, he didn’t want to rush you, but you guys were cutting it close if you took too much longer. “Y/N you almost done?” He asked walking over to the bathroom where you were supposed to be finishing up. “We can have like ten or fifteen more minutes but then we should probably g- Oh! You’re already ready!” He said barging into the bathroom and looking at you as your palms were placed flat on the counter and you stared into the mirror. “Wait, let me take a picture first, you look great!” He said excitedly. 

      You placed your hand over his phone and gently pushed it down. You shook your head and sighed. “No I don’t…” you trailed off.

      Jungmo looked baffled. “What do you mean? You look amazing!” He said standing a little closer.

      “Well I don’t feel amazing.” You retorted.

      Jungmo took a second to take you in. He looked you up and down and then cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy. “Why not?” He asked. “I think you look incredible!” 

      You bowed your head and let out an exasperated groan. “Something’s just off… I just don’t look right.”

      To him you looked breathtaking! Gorgeous enough to make him forget you two were supposed to be somewhere else in a few minutes time. “What’s off?”

      “Just like… all of it!” A sad expression plastering your face. You rolled your eyes a bit every time you caught a glimpse of your own reflection in the bathroom mirror and huffed in annoyance at a problem you felt like couldn’t be fixed. “I can’t let anyone see me like this…” you said.

      “I see you like this-“ Jungmo replied “and I like what I see.” He smiled.

      “Yeah but your opinion doesn’t count you would have said that no matter what.”

      “My opinion should be the only one that counts!” He said “Especially when you’re being way too hard on yourself.” Jungmo rubbed small circles onto your back in an attempt to encourage you. “Where’s all this coming from? Do I not tell you how good you look enough?”

      “You tell me plenty!” You scoffed “it’s just something about this outfit, something about-“

      “Then we’ll change the outfit. You’ve got plenty of stuff in your closet you barely ever get to wear!” Jungmo grabbed your hand but you stood still as a statue stopping him from dragging you away.

      “That’s easy for you to say… you look great in everything.” You looked down at the floor.

Jungmo pouted. “The only reason I look good in everything is because you pick out all my clothes. I’d look a mess without you” he laughed.

      You nodded your head in acknowledgment but still you weren’t fully convinced “maybe you should just go without me.” 

      “Go without you, are you crazy?” Jungmo furrowed his brows in complete shock. “When could I ever- how could I ever go to one of these boring corporate events without you?” He boomed. “I’m your boyfriend! Either we’re both going or neither of us are going!” He said unusually sternly for his laid back nature. “It’s up to you whether you want to stay or you want to go but either way I’m doing it with you!” He said. “And if this is all just over one outfit that’s an easy fix. We can be late, let’s go pick something else out.”

      “Jungmo… I want to go with you I really do, but I just don’t want to drag you down…”

      “You have got to stop saying stuff like this” he said. “You look great! You always look great! Even if you’re not feeling great I promise you no one in the world can tell but you… and maybe me on a good day.” He joked. 

      “You really don’t think I look awful?” You asked genuinely worried.

      “It’s be impossible for you of all people to look awful.” 

      You sighed taking one more look back at yourself in the mirror. You still didn’t think you looked quite right and even just thinking of your reflection made you feel queasy, but if Jungmo thought you looked good then maybe you really did. You still wanted to change clothes though. The fabric all of a sudden felt constricting on your skin, it felt like a million tiny mites were crawling all over you. “Okay I’ll go change.” You said patting Jungmo’s chest and exiting the bathroom. He followed you out and to your bedroom where you began rifling through your closet looking for something else to wear that still matched your boyfriend and felt appropriate for the event. He stood there watching you for a moment.

      “Do you need any help?” He asked.

      “No, no I can do this myself. It’s more of a mental thing anyways, I won’t take too long”. You looked back for a second as Jungmo was still standing there watching you. “Can you go wait for me in the living room?” He didn’t budge.“Jungmo! Go wait outside.”

      He looked surprised “Oh you’re serious.

      “Yes I’m serious, I’m feeling kind of self conscious right now…” you said in earnest.

      “Why though, it’s nothing I haven’t seen befo- Ouch that hurt!” Jungmo said taking a wadded up dress shirt to the face. “Okay fine I’ll wait for you in the living room” he said trudging off and rubbing his eye in slight irritation. 

      A few minutes later you reappeared into the common area of the apartment dressed in all new clothes. Jungmo smiled and clutched his phone once more. “Better?” He asked.

      “Better!” you said.

      “Now can we take a picture?” His eyes gleamed with hope as he swayed back and forth on the balls of his feet. 

      You hesitated for a moment. “Yeah sure, why not.” 

      Jungmo quickly grabbed your hand and raised his phone up to snap a few selfies of him kissing you on the cheek before you both rushed out the door. He still made sure to keep a tight clasp on your hand however. He also made sure to check in every so often as to how you were feeling. Most importantly, he made sure to keep reminding you of how good you looked all night. Even if you didn’t see it, even if you didn’t believe, even if your mind tried to convince you otherwise, Jungmo made sure to always be there as a ‘pick me up’ to make sure you were reminded of the reality right in front of you. The reality of having a partner that saw you for who you really were and would never falter when it came to reminding you of that.

Woobin

      You placed your hand on the arm rest of the passenger’s seat and tapped your fingers in quick and nervous succession as Woobin held your other hand and started up the car. He whistled along to the radio and swayed his head to whatever ‘summery’ ballad was currently playing and set up the navigation app on his phone in blissful ignorance.

      Since the weather had finally started warming up a mutual friend had invited the two of you over for a big get together. Though it was a relatively casual engagement, you still felt that all too familiar sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. The feeling you got every time you were about to ride a roller coaster, give a presentation, get lost on a hike, or in cases like these; go somewhere with a whole lot of people. You pulled at and fidgeted with the hem of your pants, letting go of the arm rest and aimlessly searching for some sort of cord or loose thread to pull on. You swallowed harshly feeling a lump form in your throat as Woobin absentmindedly rubbed his thumb across your knuckles with his free hand as he began to drive. 

      You could feel your heart rate rise as your body temperature did the same before quickly dropping again and again. You could’ve sworn you were sweating but turning on the A/C in the car felt like way too much. Your hands started to feel clammy as you looked over at Woobin who quickly glanced over to give you a warm smile before focusing his attention back on the road. His general sense of calm and the beautiful weather should have been enough to calm you down but it wasn’t really working. All you could focus on was the noise of tires scraping the road, the blaring music, the sunlight that was shining directly into your eyes, and how warm you felt. Or were you cold? You couldn’t really tell but what you knew for sure was that you did not feel good. 

      You almost started to feel nauseous as the car grazed over a tiny pot hole and your vision began to fog over a bit. You felt dizzy like you needed to sit down, but restless like you needed to just stand up and run all at the same time. You wanted to say something, and every time you looked over at Woobin you were almost compelled to, but for some reason or another the words just couldn’t escape your mouth.

      “Are you okay?” Woobin’s voice rang out a little delayed in your ears but eventually registering properly. 

      You felt sick, you felt like garbage, you felt terrible! So of course you replied quickly “yeah I’m doing fine, I’m excited!” You said practically through gritted teeth, a cheesy grin plastered on your face. Why you lied? You had no clear idea. What you did know was that lying to him made you feel worse. 

      You chewed at your lip furiously as you often did when feeling anxious. You let out fast paced yet silent breath out through your nose and tried your hardest not to tap your feet in frustration. Your lips felt near swollen but you couldn’t stop biting. You bit, and bit, and bit until all you could taste was the metallic tasting saliva pooling on the tip of your tongue. Before you knew it, you were looking down as small red droplets dripped from the bottom corner of your lip and into the creases amongst woven denim of your pants “shit” you muttered to yourself. You just sat there and watched for a moment in a silent daze before speaking up. “Uh Binnie can we stop the car?” 

      “Yeah sure. Why?” He replied quickly adjusting his turn signal and pulling over into the farthest possible lane without hesitation. 

      As soon as the car stopped you turned to make awkward eye contact with your partner as he gazed in worry at the beet red complexion of your lips. “What happened?” Woobin scrambled to grab some tissues out of the glove compartment and wipe at your face. “When did you start bleeding? Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” He said eyes darting around looking for a cotton ball, or bandage, or anything of the sort. “Your jeans…” he said softly but still continued his frantic search.  

      “I think I’m gonna pass out.” you uttered plainly, stopping your partner in his tracks. You watched his dark brown eyes widen like saucers and then fill themselves with a new sense of determination!

      Before you knew it you were sitting on a curb by the side of the rode near some random convenience store. Woobin returned shortly thereafter with a cold bottle of water, a first aid kit, and some tissues. He wasted no time in fixing up your lip and taking some solvent from the first aid kit to wipe at the little stains on your pants. He worked diligently sitting on the curb next to you, an array of medical materials strewn about. Watching him so focused helped calm you down a little bit, but you still weren’t feeling entirely better. 

      “Are you hurt anywhere else?” He asked nervously searching every inch of visible skin he could find on you. 

      You grabbed his hands and looked him in the eyes. “Babe I’m okay now.”

      You could see the apprehension in the befuddled stare he gave you. 

      “Really, I mean it. I’m okay now!” You repeated.

      Woobin swallowed a little bit and took a moment to gauge the look in your eyes before crushing you with a hug and rubbing your back as you both sat on the ground by the car. “Alright I believe you” he said before letting go and giving you a second to catch your breath. 

      You two decided to take a moment to enjoy the fresh air before getting back into the car. It really was a beautiful day out. There was a perfect amount of breeze and just the two of you sitting together made you feel much more at ease. 

      You both enjoyed your time in the sunshine looking up at the sky and taking in the tranquil scenery. “Look at that one it kind of looks like a cuddly bear doesn’t it”. Woobin giggled pointing at a cluster of clouds arranged ever so perfectly in the shape of a bear’s head with two perfectly fluffy cheeks and round ears to match. Finally, the cars didn’t feel so loud, and the air didn’t feel so stuffy. Woobin pointed up at the sky while expertly unscrewing the cap and placing a bottle of water in your hands without you noticing.

      “Yeah it does, it looks a lot like you” you joked taking a swig of water and cooling down.

      About half an hour later the two of you had your fill of pointing out silly shapes in the clouds and had stopped back into the store to grab some well deserved treats. Re-positioning himself at the wheel, Woobin took his phone off the dashboard and slipped it into his pocket.

      “What about the party, don’t you need the directions up still?”

      “Nah… let’s just go home, you’ve had enough socializing for the day.” He said clasping your hand once more and giving you a knowing smile.

Wonjin

      “Alright… shower? Check. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Check. Room clean? Check-“

      “Do we really have to do this Wonjin”. You groaned loudly, leaning your head back over one of your dining room chairs as Wonjin sat across from you and peered at your contorted face through the top of the frames of his glasses. 

      He took a deep breath “Y/N we really do.” He said clicking his pen and running it down the different elements of a check list.

      “It feels so… silly It makes me feel like fucking kid!”

      “Well it works doesn’t it?” Wonjin said. 

      “Can’t we do something else? You know like a normal couple…”

      “We are a normal couple! We just have a system and the system works, so we have to keep doing it.” He replied not looking up from his official looking clip board.

      You sneered a little in response “Why though…”

      You and Wonjin had implemented a new process into both of your nightly routines where you would sit down and check off all of the necessary things you needed to do to function throughout any given day. Most of the things seemed intuitively simple but you and him both knew better than anyone else that one bad mood could send you into a spiral that prevented you from getting such simple things as grabbing the mail from your mailbox done once a week. If you were feeling down, you were dismal. It made it impossible for you to remember to take care of yourself when you had other things going on so Wonjin drafted up a list of some of the most basic things you needed to do each day. Things that came incredibly naturally to others but not so much to you. Wonjin made sure to get all the proper materials to make the process seem more legitimate to you. He got a special list typed up and laminated, dry erase markers for the fridge, brand new pens, a clipboard, sticky notes, and a tiny box full of trinkets and treats. You didn’t appreciate the machinations of his executive brain but that was okay, he was really proud of himself. He was especially proud with the box he had gotten. Not only would you get to reach in and grab a small reward each night but Wonjin would get one too if you completed all your tasks so that he could be more encouraged to help you. Not that he really needed any material incentive. This was something he would have done for you anyways, but making it a collaborative effort made you feel a little less alone. 

      The rewards inside the box were quite small but they were still enough to round out the rest of your night very positively. It was mostly full of stickers, charms, small bills, and little slips of paper with things like ‘have dessert a second time’ written on them. It was a crudely decorated little thing, covered in glitter glue and plastic gems with a picture from your anniversary stuck to the inside. The gifts may have been small but they still managed to brighten you up a bit even if you felt childish having to be monitored so closely. 

      You gave him a hard time about it but it really was helpful how Wonjin took the initiative in making sure you got things done. He got tired of always asking you about your day and not loving what he heard. At first you objected to the idea of a to do list being of any help to you and your mental health, but it was frustrating how well it worked. 

      Wonjin raised a single eyebrow and looked back over at you. “So I’m assuming you don’t want to pick anything from the special prize bin today?” He said.

      “It’s not a ‘special prize bin’ it’s a cheap wooden jewelry box from the craft store.” You said.

      “Well I’m gonna pick something from the special prize bin.” Wonjin made a big show of closing his eyes reaching into the box and rummaging his hand around in there for a while before pulling something out and immediately hiding it. He quickly hid his hands under the table and looked at something tucked away within his palms.  

      “What’d you get?” You asked slightly disinterested but still leaning over the table to better see what he grabbed.

      “Uh-uh, no way. You didn’t wanna pick anything” Wonjin said sticking out his tongue at you. “Not my fault you didn’t want a prize.”

      “If I pick something will you let me see what you got?” You asked.

      “I don’t know…” he said “I think you deserve a prize but if you don’t think you deserve one that’s not on me.”

      “I don’t deserve a prize for eating dinner…” you bit your lip and looked down. 

      “Of course you do! But I’m still not showing you what I got until you pick something…”

      “Fine.” You said reaching for the box. Wonjin excitedly cracked it open for you just enough to reach your hand in and mull around for something that felt… right. You dug around for a bit and pulled out a chunky metal heart charm. “Cute enough.” You said to yourself. “Now what did you get Wonjinnie?”

      Wonjin pouted and furrowed his brows. “Wait no I want to trade, you’ll like mine more anyways!” He said trying to grab the charm from you before you pulled your arms away. 

      “Since when have we ever done that?”

      “Since now!” He said brows still fervently knitted together. Wonjin placed a little gachapon figurine on the table and offered it to you. You weren’t exactly sure who or what it was, but you did recognize that it was a character from one of his favorite comics.

      “Why would I want something that was so clearly meant for you” you asked. “All I got was some like.. brecelet charm?”

      “Just because.” Wonjin said, and you noticed his face redden a bit. 

      “Okay, okay fine…” You said and handed over the charm. The figure was pretty cute anyways and it reminded you of your boyfriend, so it wasn’t a big deal.

      Wonjin would never admit why he was feeling so shy but he was glad you had just dismissed your prize and traded with him. If your eyes had been a little keener you might have noticed the small latch on the ‘charm’ you had picked out and realized it was actually a locket. Inside was a small picture of you as a kid smiling big, holding some sort of old stufffed animal. You hated looking at your childhood pictures for some reason, maybe because it brought back unpleasant memories, or maybe because it reminded you of a time in your life when you didn’t need a list to keep your mental stability in check, but Wonjin loved those pictures all the same. No matter how goofy you looked he loved them because he loved you and a little locket was the perfect gift to get him ready to do this all over again tomorrow. Even if you whined and complained, you just being here to complain, alive and well was what he really needed…

Minhee

      Chores were always a thing that calmed you down, and as much as he might’ve hated doing them… Minhee loved you more.

      You hadn’t spoken a word to each other in hours. You were diligently refolding and reorganizing each and every single article of clothing in your dresser drawers and closet. Why you had to be doing this on a beautiful Saturday afternoon he had no idea, but he was helping you anyway. 

      The weirder, more tedious, and unnecessary a chore was the bigger the issue you were currently dealing with. Sure it was a bit of a drag to be spending an hour and a half washing dishes, or in this instance multiple hours folding and ironing clothes but he preferred this to the ways you would try to divert stress when he had first met you. 

      Back then it would have been impossible for you to take breather without punishing yourself in some way but Minhee’s willingness to just tag along and do whatever you were already doing really helped you feel comfortable amidst the internal mayhem. For Minhee doing chores was a form of punishment but to you it was pure bliss.

      You would often have periods of time where you just couldn’t get words out, to anyone, no matter what they were or no matter why you wanted or needed to say to them, but as a quiet person himself, Minhee didn’t feel totally uncomfortable in the silence. He liked the way the two of you could just be together, existing in the same space simply able to enjoy each other’s company. For each of you the presence alone of the other felt so grounding.

      Minhee remembered a long time ago when you had told him that it was enough for him to just ‘be around’ and that made you feel better. It was then that his crush on you grew tenfold and he just knew he had to tell you about it. Of course he never did, he was too shy, but you guys had ended up together anyways!

      It was times like these, where he sat crosslegged in front of your tidy ironing board, creasing out only a few wrinkles on some your clothes, that he was reminded of how you truly felt about him without having to say it with words. Even when you were struggling and couldn’t find the strength to speak, the way your pinky would ever so slightly graze his when passing garments back and forth or how your eyes would shoot up and follow his every movement every time he got up to walk away.

      No matter what he would always say something along the lines of “Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.”

      If Minhee said he’d be back in a minute, not even sixty-one seconds could pass before he would make his way back to you. It always broke his heart and simultaneously endeared him the way your puppy like eyes would wordlessly follow him around a room, or how still you’d sit upon waiting for him to come back. But he aways did come back, so you didn’t have to worry.

      Your fingers worked with an almost mathematical precision going through every t-shirt, every pair of pants, every button up, every pair of socks, everything! He never thought the time would come but eventually the two of you finished. 

      It almost startled him when you spoke for the first time in ages even though your voice was so soft and low. “Do you want me to do yours?” You asked genuinely, while placing the last piece of clothing onto a hook and shutting the closet door. 

      ‘Could you be any more adorable…’ He thought to himself. “That’s okay Y/N” He said and walked over squishing your cheeks between his palms and peppering kisses all across your face. “Do you wanna talk about why we just spent four hours reorganizing your already perfectly organized clothes?” He cocked his head to the side and looked down at you. “-And why you want to do even more…”

      You looked down in shame “I think I just want to be distracted right now. I feel like I need to be doing something… just anything…”

      Minhee understood what that meant. There were times when talking was helpful and very necessary and there were other times were those conversations needed to be put off until later. Sure it tore him up a little bit inside that you didn’t immediately feel comfortable telling him what was wrong but he also would much rather you be keeping yourself busy and enjoying his company than locking yourself away. There were times when you would be so far gone that even if he physically shook you, you couldn’t reach him. There were times when the silence wasn’t a comfortable understanding but rather, a sinister creeping energy that loomed over the both of you stopping you from being to able to experience anything in that moment. Sometimes it scared him the way your mind could so easily take you away from him, but it impressed him all the more when you could pull yourself out. He was always with you every step of the way, charging uphill to make you feel better. And if what would make you feel better right now was going through all of his laundry then that’s what the rest of this Saturday would be made to do. 

      “We can do mine… my hamper’s full of stuff anyways!” He said.

      “Thanks Minhee.” You said “Okay go get your basket, I’m already getting antsy!”

      You appreciated how easily he could flip the script and just go along with whatever you needed in that moment. “I owe you ice cream or something…” You said trying your best to sound chipper.

      Minhee trudged over with his enormous pile of laundry and gave you a playful scoff “You owe me more than just ice cream. You owe me whatever four hours worth of food is!”

      You let out a small laugh “I promise I’ll wake up early tomorrow morning and cook you something that takes at least four hours to make. You can enjoy your Sunday morning by sleeping in.”

      “Alright deal!” He said. Knowing full well that he would make himself wake up just as early as you so he could help you in the kitchen. “I’m toootally gonna enjoy sleeping in!”

Hyeongjun

You absolutely hated work! Not just work in general, but the work that you had to do specifically. Coming home from a long day at your job always left you drained. Your boss was always micromanaging, and your coworkers loved any and all types of gossip at your expense. It didn’t help that you were the youngest in the office either. It was nearly impossible to stick up for yourself without later receiving some sort of reprimand in the form of extra hours with no extra pay. Almost every weekday had you returning home absolutely exhausted. You’d slip your shoes off at the door and lazily slip your work attire off piece by piece leaving a trail of clothes on the floor before taking a nice long hot shower. After your shower, there was no guarantee you’d be energetic enough to make dinner so you’d rummage around in your fridge and just eat the first thing you saw. On particularly bad days you would immediately lay on the couch entering a state that was borderline catatonic. Some nights it felt like you only had time to lay on the couch for a minute and blink your eyes a few times. Before you knew it, the sky was a tiny bit brighter and the alarm on your phone was going off again signaling to you that it was now the start of another long day. Begrudgingly getting up and beginning to get ready was always incredibly difficult, but recently right before you walked out the door you would get a little text of encouragement every day. 

      You had only gone out on about three and a half dates (one of them was cut short due to a last minute call from your boss) but Hyeongjun was already so in tune with your schedule. It  might’ve partially been because you complained about work so much that he had just picked up on it that way, but his little digital pep-talks always had a way of putting a smile on your face. Even on the darkest of days. It’s like he sensed when a day was going to be more difficult than any of the others because his messages were always the sweetest the mornings right before you experienced hell. 

      Hyeongjun made you feel like color had re-entered the world. Life had felt so black and gray for so long and you couldn’t remember the last time you had been excited to talk to someone. He was always cheerful but not too cheerful, empathetic yet discerning, reasonable but always kind, and he had such a way with words. You didn’t think you’d ever find another person who could find the joy hidden beneath all your sadness but Hyeongjun seemed like the one.

      Even though you hated work you also hated the one break from work you got during the day. Your lunch break was usually spent sitting alone in your car for forty-five minutes staring off into space and waiting for the day to be done. Whenever you felt down you tended to lose your appetite and that had been the case the past couple of weeks. You knew you should have been hungry and you almost were, you could tell from the way your belly would growl every once in a while. However, your brain and the rest of your body just couldn’t and wouldn’t let you even stomach the thought of food. Sometimes you’d listen to the radio but other times you’d just sit there looking out the window but not really taking any of it in. Sometimes Hyeongjun would message you on your break to ask what you were eating or what you were doing to kill time and you couldn’t bring yourself to come up with a good enough lie, so you would just be honest and tell him ‘nothing’. It nearly baffled you how you could give him almost nothing, you could give him so little to work with and he could so easily keep the conversation going!

      You were sure today was going to be another one of those days. You sat at your desk entering some pointless data into a spreadsheet reminding yourself of one of the messages your crush had sent you that morning. You were already halfway through the day, you could do a few hours more right?

      Suddenly right before you were about to go on break you heard a series of little taps right above your head. You looked up to see Hyeongjun smiling widely at you, fingers gripping the top of your computer monitor. You looked around shocked for a second making sure that this was real. “What are you doing here?” You asked eyes wide. 

      “I’m here to hang out with you duh!” Hyeongjun stepped around your desk to grab your bag and sling it around his shoulder. He took your jacket off of the back of your uncomfortable office chair and held it out as if to put it on you.

      There were a few odd stares from your coworkers but they didn’t pay the two of you much mind. You stood up and let the boy happily put your jacket sleeves over your arms and give you a quick side hug. 

      Hyeongjun looked away shyly for a moment. “You seemed so bummed out over the phone yesterday I hope you don’t mind me stopping by.”

      You took a moment to think. Was it too early for things like this? Should you be more apprehensive? You felt uneasy for a moment but that feeling quickly dissipated as Hyeongjun flashed you a big toothy grin. “Of course I don’t mind” you said.

      Taking the elevator down was awkward in the same way sitting in class next to the person you liked as a kid was awkward. The butterflies in your abdomen danced and your stomach did acrobatic flips and Hyeongjun’s pinky inched closer and closer to yours before wrapping around your hand and holding it gently. He didn’t say a word but the way his lips pressed into a thin line to prevent him from smiling told you all you needed to know. You had no idea how he knew that a little bit of surprise and the slight change in routine was exactly what you needed to uplift your mood. Your outlook had been so bleak as of late and you weren’t sure who you could talk to about how you were feeling, but you were pretty sure the man holding your hand right now was a step in the right direction.

      Hyeongjun would never tell you but he had spent countless night just laying in his bed thinking about you and researching ways to help. Even if you didn’t say it out right he didn’t need to be told directly that you weren’t feeling like yourself for a very long time. You were complex and he felt like there was still a lot more of you to unpack and he planned on spending the next forty-five minutes getting you to open up to him whether you wanted to or not!

Taeyoung

     “I’m baaack!” Taeyoung shouted loudly hoping to get your attention as quickly and abruptly as possible. He thought it was sort of strange the way he didn’t immediately hear a response, but what he thought was even stranger was when he saw no tiny beam of light leaking out from underneath the bedroom door. Usually his sign that you were home was the little ray of light illuminating his feet as he approached your room but now it was just dark. Your shoes were by the door, keys hanging on the hook in the exact same way they were when he had left. Those seemed to be the only signs that you were probably even here. He went to quietly turn the doorknob tiptoeing and slinging his backpack over his shoulder to avoid the noise it made as it dragged on the hardwood floors. Maybe you were napping? It was getting dark outside but it was still only the late afternoon. Normally at this time, you were absorbed into a new book or something like that. However, upon entering the room things really were just as he had left them, you included. Curled up in the same amorphous blob, room pitch black, curtains drawn, phone plugged into the charger and resting on the nightstand. Taeyoung checked his watch to make sure the jet lag hadn’t completely screwed up his sense of time. He looked at the screen of his watch and then back at the giant mass of grey comforter on the bed. “Are you really sleeping it’s only like 4PM…” he said dropping his bag onto the now plush carpet beneath the bed and crawling up beside you. 

      He sat up on his knees and peeked over the pile of a person next to him and gently shook the covers to see if you were actually there. He could feel your form underneath the blanket but you still didn’t say anything, no release of breath, no snoring, no adorable sleepy mumbles… nothing! “Hey are you in a coma or something” he huffed playfully “you’re normally way more excited to see me!” That’s when he heard a small groan from under the covers, for a second he could have sworn it was the creak of the floorboards but now he was sure it was a noise from you. “I didn’t mean to bother you I just figured I’d come straight here since it’s been a- Oh!” 

      “Hey” you croaked out, voice hoarse and face mostly buried amid the covers. You turned over slowly to greet your boyfriend “How was the show?” You asked without the usual sense of genuine intrigue in your tone. 

      “It was… good. How’ve you been?” He said reaching over to move a bit of the comforter to ruffle your hair and pat your head. “You haven’t been like this since I left have you?” He chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkling in glee and then faltering a bit as you looked away and wearily bit your dry lips. 

      “When did you leave again?”

      “You haven’t been like this since I left? Right?” a smidgen of worry entering his tone and then a currant of realization. “Y/N, really?” a mix of familiar disappointment and general unease wafted over your boyfriend as he scooted closer and sighed. “The whole time?”

      “I mean I got up to like pee once. I think…”

      “Why didn’t you call me?” Taeyoung let a harsh breath escape his nose before running a hand through his already messy black hair. “You could have at least shot me a text...” He said bleakly.

      “I didn’t wanna bother you.”

      “When could you ever even begin to bother me?”

      Your face contorted in shame and you sunk deeper into the soft fabric adorning your body. “I meant to at one point, I really did, but then I just… I don’t know-” You inhaled deeply eyes narrowing, brain struggling to focus on the task at hand, and heart struggling to connect to the conversation. 

      “You know I hate when you don’t tell me when you’re feeling bad.” He said.

      “I just knew you’d probably try and like come home or something and I didn’t really feel like getting up to grab my phone.”

      “You didn’t want me to come home?” Taeyoung’s pupils enlarged slightly as he scoffed quietly.

      “Of course I wanted you to come home! I just didn’t want you to come home early!”

      “So you just laid down here in the dark for like-” He stopped himself as he felt his emotions bubbling over. You two complemented each other in that way but it also made things difficult at times.

      You were used to keeping things bottled up inside and Taeyoung was used to forcing you to talk about those things. Taeyoung was used to getting easily worked up and frustrated over the small stuff and you were used to offering some gentle perspective. He had a more aggressive approach to pulling you out of these “slumps” and it could come off as intense but he really just had no other way of showing you how much he cared. Sometimes he didn’t really get it. Sometimes he thought it would be so much easier for you to just get up, to just open the blinds, to just call him. It drove him crazy that he couldn’t be privy to all of the intricate details of your mind. It bothered him that a person so wonderful, so kind, so funny, and interesting, and charismatic, and personable… wasn’t able to share that with everyone all the time, especially with him. More than any bother though, more than frustration, more than annoyance, or anger, or any other negative emotion, you had helped Taeyoung further cultivate his arguably most beautiful trait; his empathy. Sure he was still a little shit stirrer every now and again but at the end of the day, seeing you just as upset over something you couldn’t control, how your mind and body were at odds constantly telling you that the one person who loved you most in this world shouldn’t be bothered with your issues made him just want to help you the best he could.

      Taeyoung took a deep breath “Let’s go for a walk while the sun’s still out, how about that.” He suggested. “Also maybe shower first…”

      You wanted to object but as you mulled over your answer your boyfriend couldn’t help but reach his hands under the duvet to try and pull you out, tickling you in the process. 

      “Okay, okay!” You laughed as Taeyoung giggled and continued to try and pull you out. “I can get up myself jeez…” You still weren’t feeling your best but the hopeful look on the man beside you’s face made you want to make him happy. 

      “Sorry for raising my voice at you I just wanted to make sure you were okay and I freaked out seeing you so-”

      You cut him off “it’s okay, I’ll be okay. I’ve just been really tired and stuff. I should have called you.”

      “Next time…” Taeyoung said as you sat up and he tackled you into a tight hug. “Maybe we can even lay here together for a couple more minutes, better yet let’s just go on a walk tomorrow I’m tired too…”

Seongmin

“Are you gonna be done soon…” Seongmin asked cheek pressed against the doorway and lips pursed in minor annoyance. 

      More than annoyance however, he felt concern. His face squished against the wooden frame of the entrance to your makeshift office (the desk in the corner or your shared bedroom). Normally this would have been about the fifth time in the hour Seongmin would come over to disturb you while you were working, but this past week and a half had been pretty different. He had seen you like this before, completely absorbed in your work, tired and distracted… but now it felt more like you were purposefully over working yourself. You weren’t just absorbed in work, but completely overwhelmed by it, more than tired you were utterly sleep deprived, you weren’t even really distracted you were just distracted when it came to him. Seongmin was pretty used to having your undivided attention or at the very least viciously demanding it. You found it cute the way he always wanted to be at your side making you laugh or just watching your expressions as you listened to a story he told. It was one of the reasons he loved you so much. Your willingness to include each other in just about anything the other was doing without it even really being necessary was what endeared him to you in the first place. Though, that made it all the more upsetting when you couldn’t or rather wouldn’t include each other in something.

      When you had started your relationship Seongmin remembered you telling him you were a difficult partner. That often times it felt like your brain would grow legs and start running faster than you could keep up. That you would become physically and psychologically exhausted out of the blue. He thought it was silly how you would think your own personal struggles would deter him from wanting to be with you, but he quickly realized that even the brightest smile and silliest nudge in the right direction wouldn’t be enough to pull you out of a spiral once it started. It wasn’t impossible, not in the slightest, but Seongmin did really have to try. He had to try and be delicate with his words, careful with his actions, and very intentional about the way he would attempt to help you. He remembered you saying it wasn’t always about just trying to cheer you up but just noticing before things got too bad. Now he was noticing, and remembering the last time he saw you like this.

      “Do you want to eat dinner… or like… take a break?” Seongmin asked. Gentle voice ringing throughout the room and eventually echoing through the nearly silent apartment. “You know you have to respond to me eventually.” He huffed stopping before he got frustrated. 

      All he got was a sort of muffled “sorry” from you in response as you kept clacking away at your computer.

      He slowly unstuck his face from the doorframe “is typing more important than me?” approaching slowly and cracking a smile he reached his arms out to not only try and softly grab your shoulders but also to steady himself while sauntering over the sea of loose papers and piles of books strewn about the floor. “I was making a gentle suggestion before but now I’m serious! It’s time to take a break Y/N!” Seongmin rested his hands at either side of you just beside your neck and placed his thumbs right by your shoulder blades. He used his remaining fingers to lift up your chin and straighten out your posture a bit. “You haven’t looked me in the eyes in like two days.” Adjusting your chin more he leaned over to look at you flashing his signature puppy eyes, dark brown and sparkling as you returned his gaze. 

      You finally looked back at him letting him take in the bags under your eyes, visible even in the dim yellow glow reflected from your beat up desk lamp. “That’s a bit of an exaggeration isn’t it”. You said smiling dryly and stifling a yawn. 

      “Not really…” His reply had tinge of genuine sadness to it but he tried his best to hide it with another smile.

      You spun around in your chair to face him better. “Sorry” you said again, this time a little clearer. “I just… have a lot of work to get done. Once I start it feels like I can’t stop.” You looked off into the distance, avoiding your partner’s eyes as you spoke. “I just feel like if I stop I’ll feel worse and I already have a lot of stuff to do so I just need to keep going, I just-” you furrowed your brows and narrowed your gaze as if trying to remember what it was that had originally glued you to this chair a couple days ago. “-I need to…” you trailed off.

      “You need to take a break.” Seongmin said in all seriousness “right now”. He reached down to clasp your hands in his, and prevent you from turning around and working again.

      That was enough to bring some clarity to you and remind you of what it felt like to be present again. You had spent so many hours tucked away in this room for seemingly no reason that Seongmin’s plain gaze and soft yet firm grip around your fingers helped to un-numb your senses. A wave of hunger, thirst, fatigue, and an ache in your upper body from sitting in the same position for so long hit you all at once. “Shit I feel awful…” you said to yourself “and kind of stupid, I don’t know why I do that.”

      Seongmin leaned down and placed a little kiss on your nose. “You’re not stupid, just silly”. He chuckled waving a hand in front of your face “welcome to earth, it’s good to have you back!” 

      You smiled in embarrassment and bit your lip anxiously. “It hasn’t really been two days has it?”

      Noticing the slight worry in your eyes and the way your fingers started to twitch in his hands, Seongmin decided to forgo the truth. “No! No! It’s only been like… I was exaggerating before it’s been like… Hey! Do you want to order food you must be really hungry!”

      “I mean I thought…” your mind was a bit foggy but what he was saying didn’t seem right. Then the mention of ordering food settled into your mind and that did seem right. “Oh yeah, I’m totally starving!” 

      “Let me go get my phone.” Seongmin ruffled your hair a bit and then rushed out and before you could even blink, he was pulling you out of your chair and onto the bed to sit and browse his food delivery app. The dark circles were still ever-present under your eyes and you looked a bit haggard but as your face scanned his phone, no longer absorbed in work, a genuine smile on your face, light returning to your being he thought you looked really beautiful. Rubbing small circles on your back he reminded himself to remember this for next time, because no matter how awful it seemed there would always be a next time and that was okay…

You quickly slipped your old fleece jacket on before stepping out into the crisp cool night. It was late; later than you would usually hang out.

But with Taeyoung’s busy work schedule, you were just glad you were able to go see him. His junky grey car sat idling beside the curb; you could always hear it before you could see it, probably due to the shitty transmission or problems with the wheel bearings that Taeyoung didn’t have the money to fix.

He worked at your town’s local grocery store, mostly stocking shelves. He said it was only until he could find something better, but three years later he still spends almost everyday arranging boxes in the back and accounting for the shipments. 

“Hey nerd, what’s the plan?” You said stepping into the car and closing the door behind you. He was wearing a simple black tee-shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. He also had the bracelet you gave him for his birthday wrapped around his wrist. It was a simple silver chain, but you had an almost identical one that you wore everyday.

“Wow, not even a ‘how are you’?” Taeyoung huffed, shaking his head playfully at you, “Straight to business I see...” You couldn’t help the smile the crept up onto you face as you rolled you eyes at him.

“Okay sorry,” You said sarcastically, going to buckle up your seat belt, “How are you?” “I’m good, thanks for asking.” Taeyoung said flatly, grinning softly at you before putting his hands on his steering wheel, “Is it okay if we go down to the river? Or is it too spooky for you this late?”

You lived in a small town out in the middle of nowhere; the population was low, mostly just families that had been there for generations and the occasional newcomer coming in for work. It was tucked up in the hills and surrounded by woods; It also bordered a river, which was a hot spot for people to visit in the summer to escape the blistering heat. Even though it wasn’t too hot now, it would still be nice to sit out there in the shroud of night and get a nice summer breeze off the edge of the water.

“That sounds fine dude,” You replied, tugging at the sleeves of your jacket, “But it wouldn’t be this late if you would have invited me out sooner.”

“Sorry, some of us have a job.” Taeyoung scoffed, putting his car in drive and pulling away from your house. Without looking away from the road, he tosses his phone into your lap, “You have to DJ because I have to make sure we don’t hit anything.”

“roger that.” You hummed, scrolling through Taeyoung’s Spotify to press shuffle on a playlist titled ‘The Jams’. The song didn’t really matter, since it was just background noise anyways.

“How was work today? You were there pretty late tonight huh?” You asked only for Taeyoung to groan dramatically.

“For some reason, Serim’s dad ordered a double shipment of a bunch of our items, so I had spent ages counting them out,” Taeyoung huffed, stopping at a red light and turning to you, “Why did he do that to me?! When Serim hooked me up with this shitty job at his dad’s grocery store, I thought it was supposed to be fun!”

Taeyoung started waving  his hands around as he ranted. You couldn’t help but grin; it was a habit he had that you noticed almost immediately after becoming friends. You think it must just be from him getting too worked up over stuff, because you also noticed he did it when he was excited as well.

“I thought I was supposed to be chill because Mr. Park has always been super chill when we go to their house to hang.” Taeyoung continued, “But nooo! When I work for him, he orders a double shipment out of the blue or asks me to count everything again ‘just to be sure’. I swear he purposely makes me stay longer at work.”

“Youngtae,” You hummed, pointing out the front window at the traffic lights, “Green.” Taeyoung let out a sigh before pressing on the gas.

“If you hate it so much, why do you stay working there?” You asked, rolling down the window to let the cool night air in. Taeyoung approaches the edge of town, turning down the dirt road that would lead you both to the river bank.

“I heard the gas station Minhee work at is looking for someone. You could ask him to help you out.” You suggested, earning a  “mmh-hmm” in response from Taeyoung.

“Maybe, but I’m pretty sure the owner hates me for shoplifting candies when we were in middle school.” He said sheepishly, cringing at the memory and pulling off the road; he drove through the long grass to the edge of the river before putting his car in park.

“Besides, I don’t want to be in this hellhole for much longer.” Taeyoung confessed, turning his car off and taking his seat belt off.

“No?” You replied, taking your seat belt off too, opting to lean the seat back a bit more before continuing in a teasing tone, “This place doesn’t tickle your fancy?”

“Not at all,” Taeyoung chuckled, pushing his dark hair out of his face, “You guys made being here manageable, but I can’t stand being here. I feel like I’m going to be stuck.”

“I get that,” You said, staring at your hands in your lap, “We all feel the same, I think...”

“Do you have your pen on you?” Taeyoung suddenly asked. You silently pulled it out of your pocket and handed it to him. He takes a hit of it before frowning.

“What flavour of cart is this? It tastes like ass.” Taeyoung complained, handing the dab pen back to you. You take a hit of it too, humming as you let the smoke fill your lungs.

“Its blackberry I think..?” You replied, bringing the pen up to your eyes to look at it. You shrug, taking another hit of it, “I wanted to try something new. Besides, it’ s not that bad.”

Taeyoung took it from your grasp before placing it between his lips. His eyebrows furrowed as he inhaled with a disgusted look on his face.

“Remind me to never buy blackberry.” He grumbled, giving it back to you as you giggled at him. The two of you sat in silence for a moment. You glanced at Taeyoung’s side profile, as he was seemingly staring out into nothingness.

“Did you hear Seongmin got into university?” Taeyoung broke the silence, and you nodded. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel while thinking, before leaning back, “I’m happy for him. He moves into the city sometime at the end of august. He asked me and a few of the guys if we’ll drive him in and help him move stuff into the dorm.”

“That’s really wonderful for him,” You said genuinely, eyes drifting away from Taeyoung to look out to where he was staring at. You could see the reflection of the water from the light of the moon, as it was pretty clear that night. You turned back to Taeyoung, trying to read his expression, “don’t you think its wonderful?”

“Yeah, of course.” Taeyoung said, smiling at you weakly before taking a deep breath, “Its just... I’ll miss him, y’know? I think it’s one of the big reason I haven’t left yet. I’d miss you guys too much...”

“Yeah, I understand what you mean.” You said, looking out your open window, “But I think it’ll be okay.”

Taeyoung looked at you, but you were leaned away from him against the window, closing your eyes just to bask in the night atmosphere. He could barely see you in this light, but your figure looked calm and relaxed in the light of the moon.

“You’re not worried about drifting apart?” Taeyoung asked, anxiety laced through his tone as he fidgeted in his seat. You glanced at him before sitting up in your seat.

“Not at all.” You said simply, smiling softly and brushing your hand through your hair, “I think if we all put in a effort to talk or text regularly, no distance could force our little group apart.”

You turn to face Taeyoung, who chewed his bottom lip nervously. His eyes shone like diamonds from the reflection of the sky, and you couldn’t help the grin that came across your face.

“It’s all about doing your part to nurture the relationship, y’know?” You concluded, taking your pen out and having one last hit of it before throwing it haphazardly in the cup holder.

“I guess you’re right... I’m just scared because it’ll be really different.” Taeyoung hummed. He picked at his nails, peeling the polish you did a week ago off them.

“Different doesn’t mean bad,” You replied, before smiling playfully and grabbing his hand to stop him from picking off the nail polish, “Hey, don’t pick off all my hard work!” Taeyoung chuckled at you, looking down at his fingernails and then back at you.

“Sorry.” He said and laced his fingers in between yours, “You’re right. everything will be okay. Besides, we will all move at some point, right?” You hummed in agreement, turning to look out the window again at the river.

Taeyoung’s hand was warm in yours; he felt clammy from the summer humidity, but it fit almost perfectly in yours. Like it was meant to belong there...

You sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, nothing heard but the sound of crickets in the reeds by the river and the quiet melody of the song playing on Taeyoung’s phone. 

That’s how it was with Taeyoung, comfortable.

You and him had always been close, you’d even go as far as saying he was your best friend in your little group of friends. But more recently, you’d been feeling a bit awkward around Taeyoung after an incident that happened that planted this annoying thought in the back of your head...

~

Jungmo had a party about a month ago at his house; His parents were out of town that weekend, so of course all of your friends were invited, plus a few other people you graduated with. Well, of course that lead to a bunch more people showing up (people you didn’t really know), but nobody really minded at the end of the day, since the more the merrier for it.

You, Taeyoung and a few of your other friends were sitting out in the backyard, overall having a good time. There were a few other people around, but you didn’t really notice to much; you were absolutely high at the time, as was Taeyoung and the boys from your friend group which were sitting with you.

“No you’re not listening to me (Y/N)!” Woobin shouted, taking slow, long blinks while putting his hands up in defense, “You would need to go to the boat, Like they do in the movie.”

“no no! I’d just swim around until the flood ended,” You argued, crossing your arms, “Besides, they didn’t even get to the boat in the movie, they just stood up on a rock and the water went away.”

“But the water only went away because of that dumbass squirrel and it’s acorn!” Woobin said with a huff, “Besides, you’ll get tired after swimming for a while. The only way to survive is getting on the boat.”

“What are you two arguing over? I can hear you yelling from inside...” Allen said with a drunken giggle, closing the patio door behind him as he sat down and cracked open the can of beer in his hand.

“How we would survive if we were in Ice Age, The Meltdown.” Taeyoung explained, grinning as he tossed his dab pen to Allen, “Ruby insists you’d die without getting to the boat and (Y/N) thinks they could just swim around until the water went away.”

“You’re both wrong and stupid,” Wonjin said playfully, wagging his finger around the circle before tapping on his head, “I’d just climb up onto the ice wall honestly.” You all let out exclamations in protest, talking about the water coming from the ice wall and Allen let out a hearty laugh at your antics. 

“Youngtae,” You huffed in a whiny voice, leaning your head on his shoulder and sticking your lip out in a pout, “You think I could swim to survive, right?”

“If we are going based on the events of the movie,” Taeyoung hummed, tapping his chin clumsily while pretending to think, “I think you could swim for long enough to survive.”

“Ha!” You shouted, sticking your finger in Woobin’s face with a satisfied smile, “See? Youngtae agrees with me, which means I win!” You giggled happily and leaned more into Taeyoung, who slung his arm around your shoulder lazily.

“Whatever, I’m not listening to dumb and dumber.” Woobin said while rolling his eyes. You and Taeyoung immediately began bicker on who was dumb and who was dumber.

“I’m going in to get something to eat, anyone wanna come or need me to bring anything?” Woobin stood from his spot on the lawn and stretching his arms up over his head. Wonjin murmured something about chips while laying on his back and counting the blades of grass near his face. Allen shook his head no, before taking a sip of the drink he had in his hand.

“I wanna come! I have to pee anyways.” Taeyoung cheered, lifting you off of him to stand up. You grabbed onto Taeyoung’s arm and asked for a drink of water, to which Taeyoung acknowledged with a ‘roger that!’; then the two boys went inside, closing the patio door behind them leaving you with Wonjin and Allen and the few strangers from before. It was a girl you didn’t recognize accompanied by a guy you went to high school with, but didn’t really talk to, since he was a few grades above you.

“Hey guys, I think I took too much weed.” Wonjin said with a sigh, flicking the grass lazily, “My eyes feel like they are made of liquid and my body feels like it weighs a million pounds.”

“My mouth is just super dry...” You said, smacking your lips and touching your tongue with your index finger, “My thongue theels like thandpaper”

“You guys should have just had alcohol instead then,” Allen boasted, grabbing your arm to take your finger out of your mouth. He let out a little giggle, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully, “I mean, I had waaaaaayyy too much so I’m not any better off.”

“You probably came outside to make sure you didn’t puke on Jungmo’s carpet...” You hummed, earning a ‘bingo’ from Allen, who chuckled along with you before taking another swig from his beer and then setting the can down in the grass.

“You’ll be fine, Taeyoung is bringing you water for your precious tongue.” Wonjin said and sat up, pulling his phone out and turning it on only to put it back in his pocket. He then smiles gently to himself and snickering, “And Ruby is bringing me chips so I’ll be fine too, hehe....”

“You guys didn’t need anything, right?” Allen asked the strangers sitting off to the side. You turned to look at them and giving them both a polite smile, which they reciprocated.

“No we’re good.” The dude said simply, turning to the girl beside him and kissing her cheek with a grin. She leaned further into him as he pulled her closer, “Right baby?”

“Yeah, we are good.” She smiled at him before looking at you sweetly, “So, how long have you been dating?”

“....Huh?” You asked, furrowing your eyebrows at her, “Dating who?”

Just then, The patio door opened to reveal Woobin with a bag of tortilla chips and Taeyoung with two glasses of water in his hand.

“We have come bearing gifts!” Woobin cheered, throwing the bag of chips down onto the grass only for it to be snatched up quickly by Wonjin. Taeyoung gave you the glass gingerly, before sitting back down beside you with his own glass.

“What happened while we were gone?” Taeyoung asked, looking around at all the members in the little group.

“I was just asking your partner how long you two had been dating for?” The girl said, nodding her head towards you. You felt your eyes widen and your face heat up, as you quickly stared down at the grass. The girl turned to the boy beside her and placed a quick kiss on his lips, “Me and Christopher have been together for only a few months now, but it feel like its been forever. I was just wondering how long have you been dating for?”

“Me and (Y/N).... Uhhh...” Taeyoung mumbled, clearly taken aback by this girl’s question. He scooted a bit away from you, brushing his hair out of his face. The other boys looked between the two of you awkwardly, as you kept your eyes trained in your lap and the grass below.

“We aren’t a couple actually.... Just good friends, that’s all.” Taeyoung replied, embarrassment clear by the tone of his voice and the redness rising from his neck up to his ears. The girl had gone pale, letting out a quiet ‘oh’ before silence fell over the group.

“I’m sorry I assumed.” She apologized quickly, “You guys are just so touchy with each other and I saw the matching bracelets so I assumed. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine, you didn’t know.” Taeyoung laughed awkwardly, picking at his fingernails and looking anywhere but you beside him. You couldn’t bring yourself to look up at all. You felt your stomach sink and a horrible feeling of nausea washed over you as you tapped the edge of your water glass.

It went silent again, and you felt like everyone was holding their breath. You hated it. Were you and Taeyoung too clingy? Did people really think you guys were dating. There is no way you’d ever date Taeyoung, he’s your best friend! Why did you feel like your stomach was doing back flips and your face was on fire? You hated this whole situation; it was all too much for you right now.

You lazily checked your phone, pretending to look at the time before you downed your glass of water. You stood up, earning the attention of the rest of the group.

“Its pretty late and I had too much weed, so I’m going to go to bed.” You said with a weak smile, nodding to the couple of strangers, “Nice to meet you both.”

“Are you sure, (Y/N)?” Allen asked, standing up too. He gave you a subtle look of pity as you nodded, plastering a fake smile on your face. You felt like you were hyperventilating with all the eyes on you. It was all to much for you in this state.

“Good night boys.” You mumbled before retreating back inside, not sparing a glance at Taeyoung. Why did this situation make you so anxious. And why did this make you question your relationship with Taeyoung? Was your relationship perceived as more then friends by most people? Aren’t friends clingy anyways, or was it to a different degree you and Taeyoung? But most importantly, why did the idea of dating him not sound so bad to you when you really thought about it? You were going to be sick if you thought about it longer.

It was too much, so you pushed those thoughts as you retreated to Jungmo’s spare room and lock the door behind you, not to come out until the next morning, where nobody brought it up, not even Taeyoung. 

Even when you hung out with him a week later, and then last week too, Taeyoung didn’t mention the incident at all, but you both knew it caused a change in the comfortability of your relationship...

~

It felt strange to hold Taeyoung’s hand after the incident. You weren’t sure what happened after you went to bed, but you were feeling a sense a relief that he did hold your hand when he needed it. It was a sign that maybe your relationship could be going back to normal maybe? Taeyoung brushed his thumb subconsciously over the back of your hand. Now buried in the relief arose a strange feeling, the one where your stomach was doing flips and your started to feel a bit warmer and that little thought of dating him crawled its way out of the back of your brain.

“Your hand is super sweaty dude.” Taeyoung laughed, giving it a little squeeze. You let out a laugh too, releasing his hand and wiping yours on your pant leg.

“Sorry, I guess I’m a little hot right now.” You confessed, “I shouldn’t have worn this shitty jacket...”

“I love that jacket, even though it’s so old and shitty,” Taeyoung said playfully, leaning over to grab near the pocket and smiling when he felt the crispy outline of a burn hole, “I remember when we all went camping last summer and you got hit by a stray spark from the campfire and it burned this hole in it. I remember you standing up so fast and me and you patting it out before it could burn you.” He chuckled at the memory, looking up at your face as you felt around the burn hole too.

“That was fun, minus me almost getting lit on fire.” You said grinning at the fond memory before looking at Taeyoung in the eyes, “We should go camping again sometime. Although, preferably when it’s not so hot outside.”

“If you’re really that hot, we could go for a swim in the river?” Taeyoung suggested nonchalantly, the corners of his mouth curling up into a cat-like grin.

“I’d love to, but do I look like I’m wearing a swimsuit stupid?” You chuckled, gesturing to your body before laughing a bit at the idea.

“Not a problem!” Taeyoung hummed, before surprising you by suddenly tugging his shirt up and over his head. Your eyes went from his bare torso back up to his face with a look of shock.

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before because being in your underwear is basically the same thing as being in a swimsuit,” Taeyoung deduced, opening his car door and starting to undo his belt. His torso seemed to glow in the moonlight from the sheen sweat from the summer heat; he must have been just as hot as you were, but somehow you started to feel it even worse now that Taeyoung was more exposed. You couldn’t take your eyes off him and you felt your heart squeeze a bit, which was increasingly concerning.

“You coming or..?” Taeyoung asked with a smile, leaning down to make eye contact with you. His hands dipped into the top of his jeans, however he did not pull them down yet. You realized he was waiting for you to agree before doing so, which made you feel much more comfortable.

You thought for a moment. You knew this wasn’t a good idea, as the little voice in your head that arose form the party was getting stronger and you could feel the rational part of your head be clouded over by not only your other thoughts, but also the haze of your weed kicking in. You chewed you lip nervously before smiling softly back at Taeyoung.

“Fine Youngtae. Fuck it. It’s too hot” You sighed, taking your jacket off before stepping out of the car too. You piled all your clothing (besides your undergarments) haphazardly on the passenger seat and placed your shoes on the car floor in front of the seat. Now that you were out of the car in nothing but your underwear, you felt the coolness of the night air. However, you still felt just as hot, if not worse. You couldn’t shake the nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach or the beating of your heart the felt like it was going a million miles an hour from adrenaline. 

Your nervousness must have showed, because you could hear a hearty laugh come from your best friend as he walked around to the front of the car.

“Relax a bit dude, it’s just me here.” He said, brushing his hair back once more. You refused to look anywhere south of his belly button, for your own sanity, but you did notice his boxers being a ugly plaid pattern from your peripheral. 

“If I would have known you’d be seeing my underwear, I’d have worn nicer ones...” You said, trying to sound as casual as possible, but inside your body was on fire. Your brain was shutting down and your body felt jittery and nervous.

“Don’t worry about that, you look fine.” Taeyoung complimented, making your stomach drop. Taeyoung walked past you, going down to the very edge and walking along it, calling after you. “Come on, slow poke! The shallow area should be around here..”

You shook your head, trying to get a hold of yourself; taking a deep breath and following Taeyoung to the shallow part where people usually swam during the day. He stepped off the bank and into the water, having it come up to his ankles when he let out a few curses and curled his fingers into fists at his side.

“Brrrr! Its freezing!” He cried out, wincing at you as you laughed at how cute he was, “I’m going to become a Young-sicle after this I’m sure...”

“I guess I’ll be a (Y/N)-sicle then,” You said, stepping in beside him and feeling a shiver immediately run up your legs from the cold water. Your eyes meet Taeyoung and you both burst out in laughter at the knowing look of biting cold that you both are experiencing.

Taeyoung begins to wade out a bit further, complaining the whole time when you get an evil idea. You follow him, water getting up to around your knees with your grin growing as you close the distance between the two of you, so that you are are now standing maybe a couple feet away from each other again.

“Hey Youngtae!” You called to him to get his attention. He turned to look at you and before he had time to react, you dig your hands into the ice cold water and splash him. He shrieked due to the surprise of water hitting his body and the cool temperature of it of his skin. You laughed at his reaction, quickly doing a few more splashes so he doesn’t have time to recover, getting water all the way up to near his face.

“Quit it! It’s freezing!” He places his hands out to try and block the water from hitting him. Your laughter quickly goes from joyous to scared as he starts wading over to you.

“No wait! I’m sorry!” You said through a fit of giggles, weakly splashing at him to try and keep him away, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Youngtae, don’t!”

“You should have thought about that before you splashed me, stupid.” He giggled back, grabbing onto your arm and pulling you towards him so he can wrap his arms around your frame. You let out a squeal as he lifted you a bit, dragging you into deeper water. 

“Youngtae, please don’t! I’m sorry.” You struggled against his iron grip, smacking his arms playfully, but you felt the chuckle leaving his chest as he held you still in the water.

“Sorry,” He hummed sarcastically, “Next time don’t start something you can’t finish.” 

With that, Taeyoung quickly lifted you off your feet and promptly dunked you in the water, almost crushing you by laying down over you, just to make sure you couldn’t avoid the icy plunge. You screamed from the cold, while Taeyoung sucked air through his teeth at the freezing water rushing over his back. He let you go and you quickly spun around to face him before smacking him on the shoulder.

“Kim Taeyoung I swear, you’re dead meat!” You scolded while giggling at him. His expression mirrored your own, with only a slight hint of pride residing in his features.

“Hey! You were the one who splashed me first!” Taeyoung laughed, leaning back to sit in the shallow water; he crossed his legs, letting the water comfortably wade just under his collar bones. You mumbled in agreement, letting your laughter die down before you sat beside him.

The cool water was frigid at first, but after a few seconds of getting used to it, it felt refreshing. You let out a sigh of relief, feeling the heat from earlier subside even a little bit as you closed your eyes. You and Taeyoung were silent, just listening to the sound of the running water and the faint tune of Taeyoung’s car radio fill the air.

That is, until you best friend broke the silence.

“Hey, uhm.” He mumbled, causing you to open your eyes and look at him; you almost wished you didn’t. He looked beautiful, hair slightly damp, tan skin shining, soft eyes trained on you with his bottom lip slightly tucked between his teeth.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Taeyoung continued, scooting closer to you, causing the water around the two of you to ripple; much like the butterflies that arrive in your stomach from the possibilities of this conversation.

“What is it?”

“Well, I..... uhm.”

“Youngtae.” You said flatly, expression softening as you reached out for his arm to place a comforting touch to it, “talk to me.” 

You could tell Taeyoung was anxious from the way his eyebrows furrowed and how his lips were pulled into a thin line. He had the same look before the talent show in middle school; It was the first time he performed in front of anyone and he was so nervous he almost threw up. But, just like now, you were there for him to make sure he was okay.

Like you’d always be.

He let out a sigh, before looking away from you, “I wanted to talk about what happened.. Y’know... at the party.”

It was your turn to be anxious now, body freezing up before you turned to look away too, focusing on the way the moon reflected off the dark water. Was this it? Did Taeyoung not want to be your friend anymore because of how you acted at the party? Did he think you were disgusted with the possibility of dating him? Would he be weirded out if he found out you felt quite the opposite?

“Look, I’m sorry.” He started out, struggling to find the words, “I know you were really uncomfortable and I.... I should have been more aware of how my behavior can be perceived by others. I know that we are just friends and I shouldn’t be so clingy...”

“Please don’t apologize! You didn’t do anything wrong.” You quickly countered, looking down at the way your body distorted through the water. You wanted nothing more than to drown yourself there.

You were the one who froze up and didn’t say a word. You were the one who left him alone to deal with the situation. You were the one who was slowly growing relationship-changing feelings... “It should be me who is apologizing.”

“For what?!” Taeyoung gasped, whipping his head to look at you.

“For making you think that I was upset with you! For leaving and making it awkward between us.”

“You weren’t upset?”

“No.” You huffed out, feeling your face heat up. You take your cold hands out of the water to pat your cheeks gently as you let out a sigh. Your mind felt cloudy and your heart beat went steady against your chest. You blamed the weed for allowing the truth to tumble out of your mouth, “I should apologize because I’m still making it awkward between us...”

“How so?” He mumbled, eyes burning holes into the side of your face as you looked out at the other shoreline. You heaved a heavy sigh, hanging you head before letting all the true thoughts and feelings you’ve been having spill out.

“Because I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you.” You confessed, words flowing from your lips much easier than you anticipated, “Not in a platonic, ‘we are best friends!’ way, but in a ‘I think about you all the time and want to wake up next to you everyday’ kind of way. I didn’t realize it until the party, but I am in love with you and I maybe always have been.”

The silence was deafening, with the only sound being the thumping of a nervous heart and the rushing of the cold water surrounding you. You drop you head, feeling the weight of what you just said.

Taeyoung was quiet beside you, seemingly from shock or being deep in thought.

You allowed the silence only for a moment before you turned to look at him. You couldn’t bear the uneasiness any longer.

“I’m so sorry.” You mumbled, your gaze catching his, “I know we are just frien-”

Taeyoung quickly cut you off by rushing forward, placing a hasty kiss on you lips. It was so quick, you weren’t even sure if it happened as you just stared at him, too stunned to speak.

He...

He kissed you?

“I’m sorry, I should have asked before I did that!” Taeyoung huffed out, running one of his wet hands through his hair as he smiled, mouth slightly agape. You noticed the redness creeping up his neck and cheeks.

“I... I’m just.” He stutters, brain seemingly short-circuited before he cleared his throat and took a deep breath to collect himself, “I just never thought you’d like me back.” “You... like me?” You asked, heart leaping into your throat.

“Well duh!” He giggled, “I mean, I thought I was pretty obvious about my feelings for you, but I just assumed you never saw me as anything more than a friend. And I’m more than happy to just be a part of your life.”

“Wow, I must’ve be blind...”

“No, just stupid.”

“Okay, that’s a bit uncalled for.”

“Sorry.” Taeyoung hummed, shifting to tuck his knees up against his chest as he wrapped his arms around them. He chewed his bottom lip nervously as his eyes darted down to the dark murky water, “So..?”

“So?”

“Now what?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know!” Taeyoung huffed exasperated , throwing his hands in the air, causing the water around the two of you to ripple. “Are we still just friends or....” He let his voice trail on, giving you a hopeful look, “Does this change everything?”

“I mean,” You spoke softly, feeling the heat rise to your face. Why was it all of a sudden so hard to talk to Taeyoung? You felt like you were choking on the words as you cleared your throat and meekly whispered, “I wouldn’t mind a change...”

Taeyoung nodded, smile slowly spreading across his face as he registered what you said. He turned to you, scooting a bit closer so that your shoulders touched and your faces were a few inches apart.

“I think I’d like that too.” He whispered, voice just barely audible as his eyes wandered your facial features. Without another word more, you slowly leaned in, giving him plenty of time to move away before you placed you lips against his.

You were felling so many things at this moment; joy, excitement, nervousness. But above all else, you felt right.

Being here with Taeyoung, kissing him and letting yourself love him just felt right. Like it was all falling into place and meant to be. You thought about your future with your best friend and how that was all going to change; but you had hope that it would be for the better.

—————————