#lukapost

“Wh—” Steve’s voice cracked. He cleared his throat, hunching his shoulders. Shame washed over him, threatening to drown him. “Munson, what are you doing here?”

“I’ll tell you once you get over here,” Eddie said, voice fraught with nerves and desperation. “Deal?” Steve squeezed his eyes shut, cringing. He’d had some choice words about deals a few hours ago, while trying to blame all of this on Eddie of all people. When he cracked an eye open, he saw that Eddie was cringing too. “Just—forget about earlier, alright? It’s not—”

“I’m fine right here,” Steve said. He turned back towards the quarry, scrubbing his face. His hands felt numb and useless. “Sorry for...what I said earlier. It was...it was about me, not you.” Something in him ached with the desperate hope that Dustin would wake up tomorrow so he could apologize to him too.

“Classic,” Eddie murmured. In the moment of quiet that followed, Steve realized that he could hear the wind again. He took a deep breath, and then another. “Look, you’re making me reeeeal nervous. How about you just humor me and c’mere, yeah?”

Steve frowned, looking over his shoulder. Eddie’s hands were still held up as he offered a strained smile.

“Dude, I’m not a klutz like you,” Steve said dryly. “I’m not gonna fall in.” Scoffing, he gestured around himself. There was a patch of gravel nearby, and that was dicey, but he wasn’t standing there, so he didn’t see what the problem was. “There isn’t even any ice.”

“It’s not an accident that I’m worried about right now,” Eddie said, through gritted teeth.

“Oh.” Steve winced. This explained Eddie’s whole approaching-a-wounded-animal thing. Slowly, while holding Eddie’s wide-eyed gaze, Steve sat back down. “Relax. I’m not gonna jump, either.”

“Y’know, you’re usually much more convincing when you lie, Harrington.” Eddie’s voice was far gentler than the breeze, but it felt like he’d just punched Steve in the face.

“Yeah, well, it’s the truth, and I’m not in the mood to be convincing.” Steve carded his fingers through his hair. “Sorry I—messed this up.” He didn’t even know what this had been, but it was over now. Apparently, this didn’t need to have a name for him to miss it already, especially with Eddie mere steps away from him—closer now, judging by the approaching footsteps.

Dustin deserved to graduate middle school so he could go to high school and fall into his own weird not-relationships and get terrible dating advice from his real friends. He didn’t deserve to die in a hospital bed tonight.

“This seat taken?” Eddie had asked Steve that dozens of times before. This was the first time that it wasn’t a joke. He didn’t even seem to register the implication as he pointed down at the ground next to Steve. Even in these subfreezing temperatures, those warm brown eyes could make Steve melt.

Steve shuddered. Eddie seemed to take that as a yes, settling down beside him.

“Listen, I...heard about Henderson,” Eddie said, gaze flickering between the water and Steve. “Is he…?”

Steve felt his eyes stinging. He swallowed, nails digging into his palms in an attempt to stave it off.

“He’s in the ICU,” Steve said. “The kids tried to reach me on this stupid—fucking—” He flung a hand towards the radio. “I didn’t have it with me last night, and then I was too fucking hungover this morning to check my voicemail, and—” If he’d answered them the first time, then Dustin might not have been hurt at all, let alone in “critical condition.”

Something was squeezing his ribs, making it impossible to breathe. This wasn’t the first time that the crushing weight of guilt felt painfully literal.

There was a warm hand on his shoulder. It was squeezing too, but somehow, his next breath came easier.

“It’s...I’m sorry that he uh, that he...got attacked by that...uh...mountain lion,” Eddie said. His usual flourish seemed to fail him as he stumbled over each word. “I know you really care about that kid. You uh…” His lips twitched into something resembling a smile. “Sometimes it’s annoying how much you talk about them.”

“They’re annoying,” Steve said, because he didn’t know what else to say anymore. He prayed to everything that he no longer believed in that Dustin would be alive to annoy him tomorrow and every one of his days after that. “And they’re kind of all I have, so…”

Eddie’s smile vanished as his grip on Steve’s shoulder loosened.

Steve studied Eddie’s expression. Instead of just asking why Eddie was here, he went with, “Did someone actually convince you to meet them near a goddamn cliff for a drug deal?” Because he already felt horrible enough, he decided not to add, “Are you stupid?”

“No, I was...looking for you,” Eddie admitted, sounding sheepish as he slid his hand underneath his thigh. “I didn’t see your car at the hospital and you weren’t home, so...”

“Wait, what?” Steve gave him an incredulous look. “Dude, did you forget how I blew up at you?”

“Nope,” Eddie said flatly, glaring across the quarry. “Don’t think I’ll be forgetting that for a loooong time.”

“Then, why the hell—?”

“Because.” Eddie bumped their shoulders together with a sigh. “I still care about you, asshole.”

“Oh,” Steve choked out. It took him a few seconds to remember how to breathe, because he was an idiot, and he didn’t deserve to hear that from anyone right now, let alone Eddie.He wiped at his eye, relieved that at least half of his face was still dry. “I...uh…”

“Obviously, you don’t feel the same way.” Eddie’s shrug was so exaggerated that it almost distracted from that miserable expression on his face. “But, my honor as a—”

“I do,” Steve insisted, hating how desperate he sounded, hating how this was all he could manage to say back right now. His mind was reeling. It hadn’t even occurred to him that he hadn’t lost this too—hadn’t lost Eddie. “I just...figured I was dead to you after—”

“Don’t—don’t say that,” Eddie snapped. “You…” He raked his fingers through his hair. “God, whyare you here, Steve? It’s twenty fucking degrees and you’re not even wearing a proper coat, so don’t tell me you’re just—” Nostrils flaring, he threw his arms up. “—enjoying the scenery.”

It was a fair question. Steve peered down into the water again, considering. Part of him resented that this wasn’t an option anymore. There had been a comfort in knowing that he could just leave if no one wanted him anymore, that there had been a way out.

“Your silence is noooot helping my nerves, by the way,” Eddie said sharply.

“I don’t really know,” Steve said. It was technically true, if he squinted and turned his head. “But I wasn’t going to jump.” He couldn’t, not when the kids might need his help, even if they didn’t trust him anymore. He needed to stick around anyway, just in case.

“Christ.” Eddie dragged a hand down his face with a groan. “Okay. Fine.”

“But uh...” Steve offered what he hoped was a smile. His face was so cold it was kind of hard to make any kind of expression, and his teeth were chattering a bit. “It’s...nice to see you?”

“Yeah, yeah, nice to see you too,” Eddie grumbled, rising to his feet. “Listen, I’m freezing my balls off and I just got here, so how about we ditch this popsicle stand?” When he held out his hand, Steve grabbed it and pulled himself up. Cursing, Eddie grabbed both of Steve’s hands, rubbing them between his own. “How fucking long have you been out here?”

“Uh.” Steve grimaced. “A while.” If Eddie wasn’t holding his hands hostage, Steve would have been rubbing his neck right now. Eddie hissed, finally releasing Steve’s hands, and shrugged off his coat. “Dude, what are you—”

“Don’t make me put this on you myself,” Eddie warned, eyes narrowed. He shoved the coat at Steve’s chest. “Get in the car. I’ll drive you to your house.”

“Oh, uh, thanks,” Steve said. His muscles felt unusually stiff as he put on Eddie’s coat. It would have been amusing to watch Eddie try to force this onto him—but every time Steve closed his eyes, he saw Dustin lying in that hospital bed with his eyes closed, maybe forever. Steve reached down to retrieve the radio before shuffling over to Eddie’s car.

It was only when the car’s radiator blasted him that he realized how goddamn cold he’d been. He was grateful that Eddie’s car had been running this whole time. Wrapping his arms around himself, he couldn’t stop shaking, or shivering, or both.

The five minute drive went by in a silent blur. If Eddie tried to talk to him, Steve didn’t hear it, though he did notice the way that Eddie was gripping the steering wheel like it owed him money.

When Steve’s house came into view, he felt his lungs freeze up all over again. The thought of waking up tomorrow—today, technically—and finding out that Dustin was dead— Not that he could sleep, even with the best drugs that Eddie had to offer. Not that he wanted to sleep, in case he woke up late. If he wasn’t at that hospital door at 6:55am, he would never forgive himself.

“Uh, Steve?” Eddie shook his shoulder. Steve startled, tearing his gaze away from—whatever it was he’d been staring at. “You still with me?”

“Yeah,” Steve said. For all he knew, Dustin wasn’t with them anymore. He shook his head. “Right. Uh, your—your coat.” When he moved to shrug it off, Eddie shoved his arm down.

“Keep it on until we get inside,” Eddie said, in a tone that suggested he was not entertaining any arguments on the subject. It was strange, watching Eddie take control like this. Even though every part of Eddie was loud, he was rarely the one calling the shots between them, and that had seemed to suit them just fine.

Steve stumbled out of the car, hissing as the winter breeze whipped at his face. Now that he’d had a taste of warmth, it felt agonizing to have it ripped away. With Eddie’s footsteps trailing behind him, he rushed over to the door and fumbled with the keys. Eddie followed him inside the house, closing the door behind them.

Steve’s throat felt too tight to push out a single word, so he just took off the coat and handed it to Eddie, who—hung it up on the coat rack.

Huh.

“I’m gonna stick around and get you warmed up,” Eddie said, strolling over to the kitchen. It took Steve a moment to stop gawking at the coat rack and set the radio onto the entryway table. He chased after Eddie, grabbing his hand as soon as it was within reach without even thinking. Eddie squeezed his hand back, offering a soft smile over his shoulder.

Steve’s head was spinning. Up until ten minutes ago, he’d been pretty sure that Eddie would never even let Steve touch him again, let alone fuck him. Right now, he didn’t think he could get it up even if he tried, and he really didn’t want to. But, knowing that Eddie could stay, wanted to stay—

“Listen, Eddie, I’m...not really in the mood for…” Steve stared down at the tile floor. Admitting that he didn’t want to have sex felt oddly mortifying. If he was blushing, his face was too numb for him to feel the heat.

“Obviously,” Eddie said. When Steve dared to look up, he saw that Eddie was rolling his eyes. “You know we don’t have to fool around every time we hang out, right?”

“Oh. Uh. Yeah.” Steve felt his shoulders relax as he exhaled. In his defense, they almost never hung out without having sex at least once.

“You ever hear of this crazy thing called hot chocolate?” Eddie asked, already rummaging through the cabinets. “They also came up with tea, a few thousand years ago, if you’re interested.”

A pitiful noise escaped Steve’s throat. Trying to smother it, he wrapped his arms around Eddie’s waist and buried his face in his shoulder. Eddie went still for a moment, and Steve’s heart sank, but then Eddie turned around and pulled Steve into a proper hug.

“You could’ve frozen to death, y’know,” Eddie murmured. The way that Eddie was rubbing Steve’s arms was distracting at first, but Steve couldn’t deny that it was warming him up a bit faster. “Would’ve made for a handsome ice statue, at least.” He started squeezing Steve so tightly that it was difficult to take a full breath, but Steve didn’t mind—craved the pressure. When Eddie finally let go, Steve wished he hadn’t—until Eddie plucked the box of hot chocolate mix from the cabinet. A warm drink actually sounded pretty nice right now. “You got any marshmallows?”

After Steve showed Eddie where everything was, he shuffled over to the kitchen table and collapsed onto the chair. Since he was still shivering, he wrapped his arms around himself while he waited.

Even if Dustin survived—and he had to—and even if Dustin forgave him, Steve wasn’t sure about the rest of the kids. They’d been counting on him and he’d let them down when it mattered most. Carting them back and forth from the arcade couldn’t make up for that. He could still see the disappointment on the kids’ faces when he’d finally showed up at the hospital—and the abject terror in Mrs. Henderson’s eyes.

Eddie sat down and slid over one of the cups of hot chocolate.

“Thanks,” Steve murmured, wrapping his hands around it. He didn’t bother blowing on it. Until it cooled down, he could use it as a hand-warmer. Eddie, on the other hand, started blowing on his cup like it was his birthday cake and the candles wouldn’t go out. Steve snorted out a laugh. “You’re not usually this impatient.”

“What can I say? I’m still a bit antsy.” Eddie’s hands were shaking, Steve realized. “Talking a guy off a ledge will do that to you.”

“I wasn’t—” Steve sighed into his hot chocolate. “I told you, it wasn’t like that.”

“Except it literally was.”

Steve didn’t have the energy to argue. It was taking everything he had just to hold this cup.

“Are we…” Steve ventured to raise the cup to his lips. It was definitely still too hot, so he set it down. Eddie went still all over. “Are we cool? I...know that wasn’t much of an apology.”

“Under literally any other circumstances, we sure as fuck wouldn’t be, but…” Eddie set his cup down and stared out towards the kitchen window, as if there was anything to see there but darkness. “Did you mean any of it?”

“No,” Steve said quietly. After a moment, he grimaced. “I mean, I do need to cut back on...all of the drugs, but—”

“And me?” Eddie questioned, still staring out the window. If he was trying to look bored, it wasn’t working; he was shaking his leg enough to move the whole table with him. “You seemed to think that was a package deal.”

“Sort of? I mean, I’m gonna be busy patrolling for—” Steve snapped his jaw shut. Hiding the truth usually came naturally to him, much to Nancy’s disappointment. He cleared his throat. “—the mountain lion, but—”

“Wh—” Eddie’s pure bewilderment seemed to sweep away any other emotion on his face. “You’re joking, right?”

“No,” Steve said. He wished he hadn’t said anything, but backing down now would seem even stranger.

“How?” Eddie barked out a laugh. “Better yet, why?”

“Because I should’ve—” Steve’s mouth felt impossibly dry. He took a sip of his drink—too hot, but not scalding—and swallowed. “I should’ve been there.”

“To...fight off the fucking mountain lion?” Eddie asked dryly, arching a brow at him. “With what? You got a shotgun, Harrington?”

“I’ve got a baseball bat,” Steve said, shrugging. Hopper had a shotgun, and Nancy had at least one handgun, but he didn’t think it would be helpful to mention that right now.

“A baseball bat,” Eddie echoed, sounding unimpressed. “Right. That’s cute.” He rested his chin on his hands, arching a brow. “And how’s that gonna fare against teeth?”

“It’s… There are nails in it, so uh, it…” Steve felt sick, staring down into the cup. The bite marks on Dustin’s torso—they’d been so deep.

Eddie was muttering something but Steve couldn’t make out any of the words—until Eddie’s hands wrapped around his own, still holding the cup.

“Leave that to the fucking cops, yeah?” Eddie said. “Make them actually do something useful for once.” His smile looked painfully forced. “Your first objective should be to finish this hot chocolate. Next one is to go to bed. And I hear this quest gives you a ton of EXP.”

Steve hummed noncommittally into his hot chocolate, taking a long sip. The first objective was doable. He took another sip. The second objective wasn’t happening. Another sip, and the cup was emptied. The third part was, as often the case with Eddie and Dustin, incomprehensible. He could have asked Eddie to explain it, and Eddie always did, but Steve wanted to hear it from Dustin.

“Thanks for warming me up,” Steve said. He stood up and walked over to the kitchen sink, setting his cup down into it. “I’m gonna go to bed now.”

“You...sure you’re gonna be okay by yourself tonight?” Eddie asked. That small voice had returned. It didn’t suit him at all. Steve was almost afraid to look at him when he sounded like this. “It’s a Friday, so, I could—”

There was a pathetic, selfish part of Steve that wanted to say no. The rest of him, stupid as he was, knew that he would only feel worse if he let Eddie stay. This comfort had already been far more than he’d deserved.

“I’ll be fine,” Steve said. He was surprised at how convincing he sounded—to himself—but when he finally looked at him, Eddie didn’t seem remotely convinced.