#luhanfic

Chapter Thirty-One:

‘Incheon Airport. Meet me there at 5 AM.’

Lynn stared at the text, her heart thumping in her chest. Her first thoughts were that Luhan was going to see Kris, but that seemed so unlikely. Everyone knew it was really official at this point. He wasn’t coming back.

She had to talk Luhan out of going somewhere. Exo had just got back from China and the tour was meant to go onto Japan next month. She figured he was probably trying to do some crazy romantic date-thing with her, like flying to China to eat dinner there but they couldn’t afford that. Nor could he afford the bad publicity if they were caught.

Lynn looked at her bedside clock. It was twenty after three in the morning. If she was going to get there early to settle her own stupid anxious habits, she would have to leave soon. She hated herself for her uncontrollable urge to be places early, but she’d rather just do what she needed to allow her mind to be at ease. At least this wasn’t as dumb as showing up an hour early to see a movie; this was significantly more important and she could actually justify it her neurotic behavior.

She got up and grabbed some clothes, sneaking out of her room and into the bathroom to have a shower. She undressed and then crept towards the tub, trying to turn the knob quietly despite the fact that she couldn’t control the sound of the water. She quickly hoped in and got under the stream, wetting her long hair.

While she washed her hair, she thought about meeting Luhan and what she was going to say to him to convince him to save impulsive ideas for another day. By the time she realised she had chewed the inside of her cheek raw, she had rehearsed the entire conversation in her head twice. In her mind, it went rather well, but nothing ever worked out as simple as it did when she imagined it.

After Lynn finished, she towel dried her hair and wished she could blow dry, but she’d wake up both Cam and Jae and that wasn’t an option. They had a meeting with the board at seven and everyone needed their rest. She rolled her eyes at the fact that she could be sleeping, but pushed that criticism aside. It was her fault for being too anxious about the meeting to sleep in the first place anyways, not Luhan’s for texting her.

She looked both ways before going back to her room and checking the time. It was forty after three now. Her phone seemed to be missing and she found herself moving stuff off her bedside table and growing increasingly frustrated with the fact that it was nowhere to be found. She looked towards her bed and made her way over to it, staring down at the lump of twisted blankets rather judgmentally before settling to grab her comforter and shake it out rather forcefully. Lynn watched in slow motion as her phone, clad in a blue case, dropped to the floor.

“Oh, just go home and fuck off,” she swore as she looked down at the device lying on her floor rather impassively. After a few seconds, she shook her head and bent down to pick it up.

When she turned it over, she could see that the source of the shattered screen was at the very corner of the phone, where it must have initially hit the ground. Lynn just stared at it listlessly for a couple minutes, possibly reconsidering all of her major decisions in life, before actually trying to unlock it. The screen lit up but she couldn’t see a fucking thing clearly except for one of the digits of the clock.

“Well, fuck me,” she groaned as she tossed it on her bed, knowing it was pretty much a paperweight now until she could get it fixed. The stylist grabbed her work-phone instead, putting it inside the pocket of her jeans. Her company had insisted that she use an iPhone, so now she had two phones; which, in any other case than what just happened, was useless.

She grabbed her purse, pulled on her shoes and then checked herself in the mirror once more. Lynn decided to change her hair and tied it up into a ballerina bun on the top of her head, knowing that was better than it just making her clothes damp because it was still wet. When she left her room to get out of the apartment, it was ten to four.

 …

 The cab ride was long. Sometimes she hated Seoul; there was always traffic no matter the time and it took forever to get anywhere by car. Not to mention some of the cab drivers could be kind of frightening with the way they drove around. That wasn’t exactly new to her though, people drove like lunatics in big cities and she had lived in New York for two years.

Nevertheless, Lynn felt like they were crawling as she looked out the window with tired eyes, watching other cars pass by. If it wasn’t so far, she’d just walk there. She had a system that she followed; if was out of a ten-block radius from her apartment, she took the bus or a cab. If it was within, she walked. This was very well outside that radius.

When they finally got to the airport, she thanked the driver in her best Korean and gave him a very small bow of her head as she handed him the won it cost. When he drove off, she turned to look at the doors of the airport and swallowed hard, suddenly feeling very small in the shadow of the building. She flicked her tongue over the part of her cheek that was raw and sore to remind herself not to start chewing it again and then pushed herself forwards.

When she got inside, she immediately started looking for Luhan but didn’t see him anywhere. If he had bought tickets for a flight, he had to be around here somewhere; she wasn’t that early. Lynn settled for sitting on a bench and just kept a look out, knowing she couldn’t just text him to let him know she was there. She was reminded of being in the restaurant waiting for him back before the tour started when Kris first left. Nauseous anxiety settled at the bottom of her stomach, but she ignored it; this wasn’t going to go the same as it did before. This wasn’t exactly something he could easily bail on.

Right when she considered calling him from her work-phone, she finally spotted him but only because he made himself obvious to her. Luhan took his sunglasses off and his facemask. He didn’t smile like he usually did, which unnerved her a little. Lynn took in a deep breath and then stood to her feet, crossing the open area to where he was standing. They were not secluded out of the public eye but they weren’t exactly in anyone’s way either. He took her hands in his, looking into her eyes but not saying any words yet.

Lynn began chewing on the inside of her cheek again despite it being raw as she studied him. She had last seen him a week ago, but he looked worse than ever. Sickly wasn’t the right word to describe what she saw…it was more like he was beyond being in an exhausted state; he was completely and utterly run-down. The patch of skin under his eyes was tinted purple, his face was thin, and his hands shook lightly in hers. When she looked down at the back of his hands, she could see the bruise clearly where he had an IV drip put in at one point. There was no denying he wasn’t well and suddenly it occurred to her they were not there for some kind of romantic get-away. Jae had said there were rumours about another member leaving.

“Han…” she said quietly. Her words came out a little weak, like her throat was slowly swelling and cutting off her ability to speak.

“Baobei, don’t worry about me,” he said lightly as he gave her a weak smile, “I’m working on getting better.”

It was like she was sitting in their work room with Kris again. It was like she was hearing about how the company wasn’t taking care of him all over again. Except this time it wasn’t Kris who was sick, it was Luhan. She didn’t understand how SM didn’t learn their lesson about neglect when Kris left and was baffled that this was literally happening just months after the lesson was taught.

“Lynn, I have to go,” he told her quietly, his voice straining a little. He held her hands tightly, thumbs rubbing at her skin.

She knew he had to. She thought out the scenario every which way she could, but at the end of the day his health was at risk. He looked more like a sick person than her aunt had when she had been diagnosed with cancer. Just like her aunt had to cut out the toxins, he did too.

Lynn swallowed hard, pushing all of her fears down as she began to tell him things she knew were not true. “We can talk every day on the phone and meet up on breaks. I’m not afraid of long distance.”

“Your breaks or mine?” he asked her as he looked down at their hands.

“Both,” she responded quickly, now just saying things before giving herself time to think them through.

“And if they don’t overlap? What happens when our schedules are so different we cannot make time for each other?”

His questions seemed more rhetorical, but she was still trying to think of answers to give him anyways. No matter what she thought of, her mind knew it wouldn’t work. She had to adhere to the schedule of her company and he would mostly likely go back to China and build a career for himself there.

He let go of her hands and everything inside her suddenly began to feel strained, like the tether between them was threatening to snap. It sent her into a panic, but before she could really freak out, he reached into his back pocket and handed her something. “It doesn’t have to be that hard, Lynn.”

She knew it was a plane ticket without checking. Her fingers shook around the small folder it sat in and she was scared she might rip through it if she couldn’t calm down. Lynn took several deep breaths, resolving to hold it with one hand as she tried to rein in her emotions.

“You can come with me. Start your own business there, I mean if you can do it here, you can do in China,” he told her gently. “You can be my assistant if you want to be. I don’t care, as long as you’re there with me.”

And just like that, she began to feel sick.

“But Cam,” she retorted pathetically, her voice uneven and her heart unsure.

Luhan didn’t look into her eyes. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, eyes trained on her hands that shook so badly it seemed as if she hadn’t eaten anything in hours. He took them in his again, trying to offer her some kind of physical anchor to steady herself with but his hands were shaking too.

“You have helped Cam the best you can,” he told her quietly, almost like he was afraid to say the words. “She has Jae.”

And then she thought of her friends. She saw them clearly in her head, laughing about something stupid as they ate takeout on the couch. She was between them, smiling as she took a sip of her drink and poked Jae in the side lightly. The room was warm and dimly lit, making her feel at ease and comfortable. Jae and Cam never felt like intruders, they felt like a part of her. They existed beside her.

There were so many nights like that in which they shared and the mere feelings the memories brought her felt like home. They had been together as a team for five years and she wasn’t sure she knew what it meant to live without them being around. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

“Han, I can’t,” she said as she pushed the ticket into his hands and shook her head.

She was overwhelmed; the tears sprung in her eyes before she even felt the lump in her throat. Lynn covered her mouth, standing there and holding her stomach. The three of them had built a life together, they had worked so hard for their dreams and despite everything they bickered about they were a team. Jae had made it clear the company wanted them together as a unit and she didn’t think she had it in her to take that away from them…away from herself.

“Lynn,” he said weakly, touching the spot on her arm where he knew her words existed. “It says ‘a little bit’ here.” Luhan held up his own arm, a small laugh escaping his chest, “and it says ‘Jesus stop fucking for a moment of your life’ right here. Come to China with me; it’s going to be hard at first, but we can do this…we’re soulmates.”

Lynn couldn’t help but think he said that like it was supposed to be some kind of magical solution to the distress she was feeling. They were soulmates. They had known and rushed into a relationship, falling head over heels. There was no doubt in her mind that she loved him more than she knew how to love herself.

But that was all it was.

She had spent five years building the foundation of a relationship with her best friends; they had been there for her when she hadn’t even known Luhan’s name. Jae had held her while she cried endlessly about Nate, she had been there when Lynn stopped eating, and she had been there to drag her out of her depression.

Cam had been there to help her navigate through her job without shutting down. She had helped her do the smallest tasks that seemed impossible to Lynn for the last five years. Cam had been the friend who believed in her and right now Cam needed Lynn. She needed her more than she wanted to admit and Lynn couldn’t ignore that.

Lynn couldn’t destroy everything the three of them had built together. Moving to China took her out of Seoul, the base of the company they worked with. She couldn’t afford to commute and the company would never allow it, not to mention they’d question her commitments. Going to China with Luhan meant endangering the relationship her company had with SM Entertainment and they would sooner throw the three of them out together then piss off one of their clientele.

Lynn could not throw all their dreams out the window. Not for a man who had been a part of her life for less than a year. Not for someone who probably didn’t even know her mother’s name or about the stress of her childhood. When Lynn really thought about it, she and Luhan hardly knew a thing about each other and at the end of the day, that wasn’t enough. It would never be enough to knowingly tear their lives apart. She couldn’t do that to them. Not for him, not for anyone, even if it did mean she was taking the main source of her happiness directly out of her life.

“Our connection,” she spoke quietly, fighting every nerve in her body just to speak as tears rolled down her cheeks, “it’s just an instinct. It doesn’t mean anything…not like they do. Han, Cam and Jae are a part of me. I can’t leave them, especially not when leaving them will ruin their careers and everything the three of us have worked for together. You may be the ultimate source of my happiness, but they are a big part of the reason I have survived through the years and I can’t throw that away…they make me happy too.”

He let go of her then, looking more than wounded. “I see.”

His eyes held a deep sadness and just like that, the ache in her chest began. Lynn felt like the thread connecting them was straining again, taut and pulling at her chest painfully. She hung her head, knowing there was only one last thing to say to him in this scenario.  

“You don’t have to do this, Han,” she whispered, her voice coming out as a plea. She wiped at the tears on her face, her stomach churning inside her body as more formed immediately. She knew more than anyone that her words weren’t true, but she resolved to beg him to stay anyways. “Please don’t go.”

He spoke her name softly, his voice uneven. He knew he couldn’t assure her that he wouldn’t leave this time. He couldn’t hold her close and run his fingers through her hair and whisper it would be alright. He wouldn’t be there in the morning when she woke up, looking at her with a soft smile.

It caused him to step back; just like he had known what his first words would be to her, he knew these would be his last. “I’m sorry.”  

And then the tether snapped.

 …

 “Where the hell is she?” Jae asked as she came out of Lynn’s room. The three of them had a half an hour to be at the company building and in one of the board meeting rooms. “Lynn is never late for anything, for fuck’s sake, she makes us go to the movies an hour early.”

“Maybe she left early?” Cam said as she yawned, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

That didn’t feel right to Jae. Lynn knew how important this meeting with the board was, not to mention the three of them were still solidifying their reputation as very trustworthy and reliable. The CEO had made it clear to Jae that the three of them were a team or they were nothing at all.

“You think something is wrong, don’t you?” Cam asked, her lips pulling into a frown as she set her mug down.

“Lynn isn’t the type of throw off her responsibilities…” Jae said as she turned back to look in in her friend’s room.

Cam followed her, crossing her arms as she leaned in the doorway. “Maybe she went to stay with Luhan last night.”

“Her work bag is still here and her laptop,” Jae said as she spotted them on the floor. “If she had gone to stay with him she would have just left from there.”

“Well, I can always call her…” Cam said with a shrug, reaching into her shirt and grabbing her phone from her bra. She went to her call history and found Lynn, tapping her name and holding the phone to her ear as she waited for it to ring.

Both of them looked towards the bed when they heard her ringtone go off and Jae was the first to pick up the phone. She stared down at the cracked screen pensively and then frowned. Jae swallowed hard and looked up at Cam before taking out her own phone and dialed Lynn’s work number.

Her stomach started doing flips when she didn’t pick up by the second ring and by the third she was feeling sick. Her hands shook when she heard the click of the answering machine picking up and she looked up at Cam when Lynn’s voice floated through the speaker.

Chapter Thirty:

It had been a month since the new company had made the proposal and through those months the trio had been swept up in some serious work. But they had watched an idea transform into reality and now it gave Lynn a headache to think about how the three of them were considered some kind of new and exciting names in the fashion side of South Korea. The jobs had come flooding in and, due to their services no longer being needed when the boys went on tour, the three of them had been incredibly busy building up loyal clientele. The clothing stylist of the trio had never felt more raw pressure to succeed in her life, but Jae had managed to see them through it like she always did.

When Lynn got the call from Luhan and he told her the news that he was returning to Seoul, she could have sworn her heart skipped at least three beats in a row. She hadn’t seen Luhan since May, except through a camera, and she had never missed someone more in her life. It had been four long months of waiting to see him again and despite being more than dead tired, she was ready to go out and see him whenever he wanted her to.  

Jae had tried to hide her excitement about seeing Yixing, but Lynn could see it. Her friend couldn’t rid her eyes of the happiness she felt, it shined there brightly; at the end of the day though, Jae was considerate, so she pushed it down. While Lynn was bad at hiding her feelings about their return, Jae didn’t want to hurt Cam by reminding her.

Camilla had eventually heard as well, but she just smiled and said she was happy that the boys were returning. Lynn was well aware that she hadn’t talked to Chen yet despite staring at selfies they had taken on her phone whenever she wasn’t preoccupied with something else. The second-youngest supposed that was better than Cam thinking about the words on her arm, highlighted and pink like a fresh scar.

“She will talk to him,” Jae reassured Lynn, yawning as she picked out her outfit for the day, towel clutched around her thin body. Jae literally didn’t give two shits about her flatmates seeing her in that condition but Lynn knew that if she were in her position, she’d be cherry-red. “Just let Cam handle the situation. If we do everything for her, she will just keep making bad decisions.”

Lynn nodded, knowing on some level that Jae was right. “I know. I just…I don’t want to see her hurting anymore. It cut her so deeply.”

“It did,” Jae agreed with a nod, “but I think she is getting better. She is focusing on her skills as a hair dresser and working through her pain. I never said this would be easy, but I think she is out of the woods for now.”

Lynn gnawed on her lip, not very satisfied. All it took was Cam to stare at her arm in the middle of the night while no one was around for everything to go downhill. It took an hour of feeling utterly alone and helpless. A week of feeling shitty. Lynn just wasn’t sure she’d ever be comfortable not checking on Cam often, knowing that if something happened while her head was turned the guilt would eat her alive.

“Okay,” she resolved to say with a sigh.

“Go get ready,” Jae told her, her words hitting Lynn like a command. “You are going to see your soulmate in a couple hours and he probably misses you.”

“Right,” Lynn said hesitantly as she nodded. She wasn’t sure they should leave Cam alone at the same time, but Jae had insisted they couldn’t baby her forever. She sighed deeply and walked towards her bedroom, a general feeling of unease settling inside her stomach.

 …

 He looked sickly. It was the very first thing she noticed. Lynn’s brow immediately creased as she rushed towards him and hugged him tightly, ignoring the worry she felt bubbling beneath the surface of her skin.

Her heart pounded in her chest, but her entire body suddenly felt so warm. She realised that it was like she had just stepped into her home after being gone for years. All the stress melted away and it was like nothing existed around them, just the feeling of his arms encircled around her and holding her close. When Lynn pulled away from Luhan, she held him at arm’s length. She peered at him, eyes gazing over every feature they could. He looked much thinner, his face was hollowed out and his eyes seemed a little less bright.

“You didn’t look this unwell on camera. Are you alright?”

Luhan smiled at her, his face lighting up despite how hollow it looked. “I’m okay and happy to see you.”

He took her hands in his, lacing their fingers together before pulling her back to hug her again. She stood there, closing her eyes tightly as she held him and just focused on the way it felt. She felt like there was a tether between them and now that he was in front of her again, it was no longer strained. Lynn felt at ease.

“You need to go see a doctor or something, Han,” she whispered against his shoulder, shaking a little. She was so fucking sick and tired of watching people around her suffer. Lynn wasn’t about to stand around when his health was obviously at stake.

“I have been,” he reassured her. “Please don’t worry about me.” He pulled away from her as a smile lit up his face again. “I want us to go have fun, not stand here and worry about me losing a bit of weight.”

She felt like he was hiding something from her. Lynn could see it in the way he held himself. He was holding back and she wasn’t sure why. Her mind settled on the explanation that he didn’t want her to worry about him; he wanted to be with the one person who wasn’t supposed to treat him like a sickly child who needed bed rest. She hated the idea of ignoring whatever he was going through but resolved to do it anyways. He obviously just wanted to just spend some time with her without focusing on any limitations.

They went to the place that they had their first official date to start. They sat in front of the river on the steps as they talked to each other. It felt so natural to her, just hearing him speak about all the exciting things he had done on the tour. They had the occasional issue where she had to ask him to explain something and if she couldn’t understand even then, they resorted to texting each other. Passing notes with him had always been something she enjoyed. She felt like it was a secret code only they knew despite the fact that the idea was absurd and anyone who could read Chinese knew what they were saying.

The city sparkled from the other side of where they sat, very much alive despite the sky being dark. She watched the way the lights danced on the water as he talked, smiling from ear to ear and laughing so hard she cried when he told her some of the things he experienced. In return she told him about her four months.

“I feel bad,” she said as she pushed him very lightly, shaking her head. “You have all these amazing and fun stories and all I have to show for our time apart is a place in a new company and being drained because I have been worrying so hard for Cam.”

He looked down and sighed. “Yeah…everything must have been hard on her. With him leaving, I mean.”

“Hard is an understatement,” she muttered bitterly as she crossed her arms. “Try life changing and soul crushing…I don’t understand how he just severed all ties with her. I mean, Cam is his soulmate. Why doesn’t it matter more to him?”

Lynn’s face fell into a saddened frown. She knew why and the thought made her uncomfortable. It was easier pretending that being soulmates was some kind of impenetrable bond, but at the end of the day she knew that people were always the same and that they did stupid things when their pride took a hit. Kris did what he needed to in order to get away from what was causing him pain, even if what he was detaching himself from was supposed to be the ultimate source of his happiness. His ego had taken a hit when Cam picked someone else over him and so he ripped himself out of the situation, like tearing away duct tape that had been laid across his bare flesh.

Lynn was just starting to come to the realisation that even soulmates didn’t mean forever and that made her feel uneasy.

Luhan shrugged, not really having an answer for her. He wasn’t Kris. Instead of trying to explain, he put his hand on her shoulder and smiled weakly at her. “Cam has Jae for guidance and you have done your best for her.”

She let out a deep breath and then nodded. She knew she had done her best and she would keep giving it her all. This kind of nurturing didn’t come naturally to her, everything felt awkward and she more often found herself just holding Cam than saying anything particularly meaningful.

“I guess I am just a little tired,” Lynn told him, putting a smile on her lips as she looked at his soft features.

“Me too,” he responded, his tone light despite the truth behind it. He was trying to hide the difficulties he faced behind humour and she didn’t blame him for that; it was easier than confronting them head on. She just wished he’d be a little more honest with her though.

Luhan scooted a little closer to her, grabbing her hand in his and biting his lip. “Lynn…”

“Yeah?” she asked him, her eyes focused on their interwoven fingers.

He reached forwards and brushed some of her long hair behind her ear, causing her to look up so he could study her face with a small smile. His dark eyes flicked to her own and she suddenly felt pinned, absolutely overwhelmed and like she couldn’t move or look away. Lynn swallowed hard, her hand shaking a little from the nerves of being under such an intense gaze.

His words left his mouth sincere and quiet, hardly heard over the noise of the people up on the path behind them, laughing about some movie they had seen. “I love you.”

She wasn’t sure if she was breathing; she couldn’t really feel her chest and despite the fact that she was sure she was pulling oxygen into her body, her lungs felt empty and starved. Everything inside her body felt tingly, like pins and needles. Her stomach was doing loops, butterflies making her body feel like it was falling but in spite of everything the only thing she could concentrate on was how badly her cheeks were burning.

Luhan leaned forwards, not waiting for her answer and kissed her tenderly while he slid his hands into her hair. Lynn was sure her face had to be generating heat, but it seemed as if he didn’t care. He held her closely and kept moving his lips against hers until her brain finally decided to function on its own and forced her to kiss him back.

When he pulled away, he hugged her, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder. As she sat there in silence, concentrating on the feeling of that tether between them and how comfortable she felt, she realised she wasn’t sure if she was ready to say it back. She was afraid that he might take advantage of her if he knew how much she cared about him.

But then she thought of Nate. She thought of how she had never been able to voice her feelings for him because she was afraid of letting herself fall in love with someone she wasn’t destined for. Lynn thought about how he left when he found someone who would say it back; she had sworn she didn’t love him and her heart had broken anyways.

She closed her eyes and drew in an unsteady breath, feeling sick and unsure of herself. She pushed through it, forcing her will to the surface despite the cloud of anxiety lingering in its path. Her voice left her lips thin and weak, but at least she had managed to say it back to him.  

Chapter Twenty-Nine:

Months had gone by since Kris left and the tour had officially started. Lynn, Cam, and Jae found they were not needed as much as they anticipated. Another crew took over for the touring and only Lynn had the occasional call about her wardrobe to answer to. It left her feeling very bored and a little empty. She hadn’t gotten to speak to Luhan often and when she did it was always short-lived phone calls.

She knew his life was busy, but she had been amidst the chaos before this point. He had been busy but she had been right there so it didn’t matter as much before; they had just been busy together. Now that she was back in Seoul and he wasn’t, they were apart and all that she had time to think about was babysitting Cam.

Lynn and Jae worked in shifts. They always made sure someone was home with Cam and didn’t allow her to be by herself. They even checked on her when she was sleeping just to make sure nothing was off. Cam had insisted she was fine after the first week, but they still heard the sounds of her breaking down and sobbing. She wore long sleeves more than any other type of shirt now. Cam had even considered getting a tattoo on her arm, but she knew it wouldn’t cover the words; they’d just shine through it. Lynn didn’t blame her but at the end of the day Cam’s efforts to forget about the words on her arm were futile. After everything was said and done, she couldn’t deny the words were imprinted onto her arm and would never disappear.

Lynn doubted Cam would hurt herself, but she was still careful. There was no guide or promise to what Cam was thinking or if she was in the right state of mind. For all Lynn knew she was breaking apart on the inside and she just couldn’t see it happening.

She would never forgive herself if something happened to Cam, so she swore that she wouldn’t let anything go wrong. She didn’t care if the patch of skin under her eyes bruised purple from the lack of sleep or if she could feel the emotional exhaustion, from being on suicide-watch, draining any real energy out of her system. Lynn refused to let Cam face this part of her life alone.

“I’m okay, really…” Cam said quietly. “You don’t have to sit here like this with me. You need rest too.”

They sat on the couch together, curled up and watching Mean Girls, hoping for some kind of normalcy. Cam had stretched out and lain across the free cushions, resting her head on Lynn who sat there unable to process anything that was happening because she was so damn tired. Lynn couldn’t just go sleep though; Jae wasn’t due to come back for a few hours and she wasn’t going to just leave Cam alone in that time.

“I would never do anything stupid like that. I mean…I hardly knew him,” Cam said, her voice straining a little.

But Lynn wasn’t so sure that was true. If she heard her last words and knew she would never have the chance to be with someone like that again, she would surely slowly spiral into a depression. She dreamed of nothing more than having one person to share her life with, everyone did, but she couldn’t deal with the insecurity of sharing her life with someone who wasn’t her soulmate. Lynn would try to date other people but she’d never fit right with them; it’d be like trying to mash two mismatched puzzle pieces together and expect the picture to look just as good as it would with the right pieces. At the end of the day, knowing your soulmate was off the table made everything uncertain and almost meaningless.

So how could Cam say she was fine?

It didn’t help that Cam and Chen had a big blow out and now they weren’t speaking. In the matter of a couple weeks Cam had lost her soulmate and the guy she was falling in love with. It had been months but Lynn didn’t trust any of those wounds to actually feel like they were healing. She still heard Cam sobbing when she thought no one was listening.

“I’m fine,” Lynn lied with a small smile. “You’re one of my best friends and you need all the love and support you can get. I don’t mind losing a little sleep to make sure you know how much I care.”

Cam sighed and just shook her head a little. “Lynn you look awful. I can see the exhaustion all over you…what you need is to take care of yourself; eat something and get some sleep.”

“I’m fine,” she assured her firmly. “I want to watch the movie. Shut up.”

Cam sighed and settled to just do as she said. This wasn’t exactly new to her, both Lynn and Jae had been doing this since the incident happened.  She looked back at the screen, dropping the subject and letting her friend deny her body’s needs once again to baby her.

 …

 Jae looked at the papers as she waited for the elevator to carry her to the floor her apartment was located. The rough draft of the contract in her hands seemed so simple but it meant big changes. A small part of her worried about it would impact Camilla. Huge and unsettling changes seemed to be the worst kind of thing she could spring on her at a time like this, but it was also a chance to move on. Staying still seemed worse for her friend in comparison.

She used her key to unlock the apartment door and entered the home she shared with her coworkers.  Cam sat on the couch in the living space, watching some kind of drama to distract herself and Lynn stood in the kitchen, looking down on a frying pan as she cooked. Jae walked straight to Lynn but then frowned deeply when she got closer, seeing her sway slightly.

“You’re burning whatever that is,” Jae told her sternly. Lynn jerked into motion, quickly flipping the chicken in the pan and then groaning. “How much sleep did you get last night?”

“None,” Lynn said as she tried to blink away her tiredness, turning down the stove once she had a handle on herself.

“And the night before?” Jae asked as she tilted her head.

“…none,” she answered truthfully.

Jae sighed as she reached forwards and turned off the stove. She took the lid of the frying pan and put it over top of it, pushing it backwards and off the burner. Lynn took a second to process her actions and look up at her; her actions were what really told Jae how tired she was. Her friend was usually quick as a whip when people messed with her cooking.

“Hey, that’s for Cam,” Lynn said slowly after she swallowed and blinked multiple times.

Jae wasn’t too sure how she was standing, considering she kept swaying around and looked seconds away from tripping over her own lack of equilibrium or just flat out collapsing. Lynn looked more like a foreigner with severe jetlag than someone who had been living in Seoul for the better part of a year and her friend just wanted to send her to a warm bed. However, they had some business to discuss first.  

“Camilla can make her own damn food,” Jae said a little more harshly than she had intended; she had no doubt her jade eyes probably looked as hard as the gem itself too with how stern she was feeling. “To the table.”

Lynn shuffled, house slippers dragging as she walked to the table the three of them tended to ignore unless they were studying. Jae took out the chair for Lynn and watched as she sat down, trying to resist the urge to lay her head in her arms and sleep off enough of her exhaustion to wake up in an hour or two and drag herself into her bed. Jae ushered Cam over and when all three of them were at the table, she cleared her throat.

“A few days ago a wealthy business man presented a proposal to me,” she started, making sure her diction was clear just to accommodate Lynn who literally looked words were streaming in out ear and out the other. “He has plans to make a small business…a company if you will. He would like to have a few small teams of stylists at his disposal, people who are regarded as very talented. Working for his business, they take on very wealthy clients including celebrities and rich people.”

“So, he wants the services of elite stylists to sell to elite clients?” Cam asked curiously as she pursed her lips, an action she often took when she was thinking over something that had been spoken to her.

“Yes and he is interested in bringing us on board as his first team,” Jae said as she laid down the draft of the contract they had spoken about onto the table. “We wouldn’t be just pinned to SM. We could work for all kinds of people. It would make our names recognisable. Not to mention he intends to sell every team as like a special unit. So we would have our own brand name.”

Cam nodded, almost immediately understanding the direction of the conversation. Jae caught the movement of her subconsciously reaching for her sleeve and tugging it down. She chewed on her the inside of her cheek and in that moment she was sure they had to take this opportunity. If Cam didn’t drive her life forwards, she was going to do something stupid.

“We have literally been dreaming about that kind of thing for years,” Lynn spoke, her words slurring slightly. She shook her head and tried to rid herself of some of the fatigue, but it remained anyways, along with some of her confusion.

“Right, my thought exactly,” Jae said with a sigh. “It’s an amazing opportunity and I don’t think we should pass it up, but we work as a team.”

“What does it mean for us? Will we still be Seoul?” Camilla asked as she tried to squint and read some of the contract; the lettering was too small from where she sat and Jae ended up reaching forwards and sliding the paperwork towards her friend.

“He seemed interested in relocating us to a different district of the city because it is closer to where he wants to base his business,” she spoke as she leaned back in her chair.

Lynn ran her hands through her hair and seemed to be struggling to collect her thoughts. After a few seconds, she began to speak slowly. “How do we know this will be a good idea though? What if the business flops? Then we’re out of jobs…”

“He has very impressive backers,” Jae explained as she looked towards her friend. “I don’t think this is going to fail. He has all the resources to get this started, seeing as he is a pretty powerful guy himself.”

“What about the jobs we have?” Camilla asked, her face scrunching up a little. “We’re paid well and SM is looking to extend our contract for another three years.”

“We have to be real,” Jae said as she crossed her arms and dropped her eyes to the table. “We’re being paid to style Exo. However, a member of Exo has already left and shaken the foundation of the group. Now there’re rumours about another member departing.”

“Another?” Lynn asked with surprise, her mind reaching for something Luhan might have told her that would hint at it, but he hadn’t said a word.

“I don’t know who,” Jae said with a sigh, “but it’s clear Exo is no longer stable as a group. Who knows what will happen to us if they disband? Our employment by SM is dependent on their existence.”

Cam twisted her brow and then blew the air out of her lungs, trying to push down the lump in her throat at the mention of Kris’ departure. Once she managed to get a hold of her emotions, she tucked her wavy brown hair behind her ear. “But we can’t just go breaking our contract with SM.”

“Don’t worry about that, we’re not actually in a contract with them,” Jae said with a wry smile. “They’re hiring us through our agency; they won’t care about our source. But at least with this, we aren’t screwed if Exo disbands.”

“What about the relationships we have forged here?” Lynn asked as she crossed her legs, sobering up out of the stupor caused by her exhaustion due to the seriousness of their conversation.

“That’s Lynn talk for Luhan,” Cam said as she rolled her eyes. Jae thought she might have saw a tinge of bitter resentment, but chose to ignore it for the time being.

“There is nothing saying we can’t continue as we are with our personal lives,” Jae said thoughtfully. “We’re still going to be in the city, after all. Just now we won’t be working with them.”

Lynn pressed her lips into a firm line. “SM probably will rehire us if nothing happens to Exo…like you said, we’re just changing agencies.”

Cam laughed sardonically. “So what we’re really doing is screwing the company we have been with for years, who have done nothing but good for us, and relocating to South Korea in general.”

“I think we should do it,” Lynn said firmly. “As long as they’re offering more money and we have creative control over the styling we do.”

Jae nodded and then smiled, getting onto the exciting part. “It’s better than that though. Better pay and they have also spoken about releasing our own line of fashion, cosmetics, and hair products.”

Lynn’s eyes widened. “No fucking way. They want to give us a fashion line?”

Jae looked towards Cam, knowing she needed a push in the right direction. With something like this, she could move on from the idea of losing Kris. She didn’t need a soulmate to live her life to the fullest; she had her own dreams and ambitions.

“And we would have our own hair products that you get a huge say in…” Jae said as she raised her brow, almost as if she was baiting a hook.

Camilla swallowed hard and nodded. This was something the three of them had only let themselves talk about as a cool idea, but they had always seen it as unrealistic. Now, things were unfolding as none of them had ever imagined.

“Cam?” Jae spoke, her smiling giving away she already knew the answer.

Cam looked up at her, her jaw tensing as she nodded. “Let’s do this.”

Jae nodded with a smile as she sat back again, shoulders squared. Lynn bit her lip, thinking of over the implications. She looked at Jae specifically, almost trying to hint they needed to keep a close eye on their friend as she spoke. “They want us as a team, so we got to make sure we take care of each other even better than we have before this point from now on.”

“Of course,” Jae said, her eyes giving away that she understood the deeper implications of Lynn’s words. “Okay, go get some sleep, Lynn. I’ll finish making Cam food.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven:

“You’re back early…”

Lynn wasn’t sure how to answer the observation all she knew for sure is that she didn’t want to admit to Jae that she had been stood up. It felt shameful to her for some reason, like it was a reason to look down on her despite the fact that she had literally done nothing wrong. The younger of the two chewed on her bottom lip, fingers twiddling anxiously in her lap.

“Yeah…he didn’t show,” she admitted quietly as she crossed her arms and looked away from her friend, eyes sweeping the wall of their hotel room.

She focused on a strip of the wallpaper, pretending there was something interesting there. Her nerves tingled in her gut and forced her to shift her gaze back towards her friend, raw apprehensive energy bubbling when she realised breaking eye contact might be construed as rude. Sometimes Lynn wished she could just go a single social interaction without feeling like some kind of foreign species trying to communicate with actual humans.

Jae looked at her with a raised brow and the younger knew she was waiting for some kind of explanation but she wasn’t about to fork one over. So Lynn shrugged, breaking eye contact and playing with the end of her inky braid, not really knowing what to tell her friend. She didn’t want to drag out the fact that he hadn’t even bothered to call; she didn’t want to even think about it. She was just happy she wasn’t in the restaurant anymore.

“Maybe it’s because of Kris?” Jae asked her thoughtfully.

Lynn hadn’t thought of that.

Why hadn’t she even considered it? It was obvious that Kris leaving would smack Luhan and the rest of Exo right in the face but she hadn’t even let the thought enter her mind. She had been too wrapped in the anxiety of counting up each second that he didn’t show.

She let out a heavy sigh and looked at the carpeted floor, feeling like shit. Even if it had only been for a fraction of a second, she had still doubted Luhan and she felt like a bad person for it. He was supposed to be her soulmate. A soulmate wouldn’t do something like that. He probably wouldn’t ever have thoughts like that cross his mind. Lynn tossed her braid over her shoulder and then let herself sit down on the bed, hands resting in her lap as she awkwardly sat there like a child who had just been scolded by their parents.

“I’m sure he’ll call soon to let you know what happened,” Jae said, knowing what was going through her friend’s head without having to ask.

“Yeah,” Lynn agreed as she slowly nodded her head.

She blew the air out of her lungs and then kicked off her boots before crawling into the bed and hugging one of the pillows close to her. She pulled the covers up to her shoulders and then mumbled to Jae that she was going to nap for a bit. At this point Lynn wanted to just sleep off the embarrassment, like the way someone might sleep off too much to drink.

“Alright, I will be back,” Jae said as she pulled on her boots and then grabbed her purse.

Lynn peeked open an eye and then looked her way curiously. “Where you off too?”

Jae smiled subtle, hardly showing except the corner of her lips slightly lifting. “I have a date next weekend and I want to go shopping for something to wear.”

“So Lay finally asked you?” Lynn asked with her own smiling spreading, happy she had figured it out before Jae just flat-out told her.

“You knew?” Jae asked her, eyes curious and brow-raised.

“I figured it out,” Lynn yawned as she closed her eyes again. “I pay attention.”

“Well he didn’t ask me,” Jae said as she crossed her arms. “I guess I realised waiting around for him to say something was getting me nowhere. So I asked him.”

Lynn opened her one eye open again and teasingly smiled at her friend. “You two will be cute~”

 …

 Lynn awoke with a jump when the door to the hotel room slammed. She looked around confused, her vision blurred from sleep. When her eyes finally corrected themselves, she saw Cam stumble further into the room, dropping her purse to the floor without a care in the world for the phone that was probably inside it. She leaned against the wall and brought two shaking hands to her face before she slowly slid down it.

Lynn’s brow creased with concern as she slipped out of bed, toes hitting the fluffy carpet of the floor. She gently made her way across the room and then kneeled down in front of Cam, touching her shoulder gently. Her co-worker seemed to have no reaction to her and it that alone made Lynn’s stomach churn.

“Hey, Camilla, what happened?” Lynn asked her softly, rubbing her thumb in circles against her friend’s collarbone.

Cam let out a shutter and just continued to softly sob. She took in several short breaths, like she was trying to breathe and compose herself at the same time, but Lynn was pretty sure it was only making it worse. She put her other hand on Cam’s left shoulder and held her at arm’s length.

“Hey, deep breaths okay?” Lynn told her gently, her voice only a little louder than a whisper.

Cam listened to her, but it took her a very long time to calm down. Lynn felt slightly awkward sitting there in front of her like that, but Cam was her friend and she wanted to be there for her. The youngest meant a lot to her and Lynn had sworn to always be a pillar of support, even if it put her in a situation she wasn’t exactly wholeheartedly comfortable with.

“I-I was wrong,” Cam managed to mutter out pathetically, her voice heavy with the sound of her tears. She brought her knees up to her chest and then rested her head in her folded arms, hiding from Lynn’s gaze.

Lynn moved to sit next to her and then slowly began rubbing her back. She didn’t know what to say. She desperately wished Jae was here because she would know exactly what to do. Lynn felt clueless, lost and awkward as fuck. She didn’t feel convinced she was helping at all but she kept trying despite the panic she felt inside.

“Just take your time,” she told her as she searched for the right words to say.

“I thought it was Chen this whole time but it wasn’t,” she sobbed, her voice cracking.

Lynn’s eyes widened, understanding what Cam meant immediately; honestly, there wasn’t very many things she could mean. She just didn’t understand how Cam knew for sure. The older of the two pressed her lips together and then folded her hands in her lap.

“How are you sure?” Lynn asked her quietly.

Cam just held out her arm, but all Lynn’s brown eyes came in contact with was alabaster flesh. There were no signs of a wound or anything, but she understood from the gesture without much though. It meant Kris must have said her Final Words.  

“H-He called me,” she whispered, her voice straining. “He told me he had left and he didn’t want to throw a potential relationship away.” Cam had to pause to catch her breath and to let out as few more sobs. She was trying so hard not to let her voice crack, but it kept happening anyways, betraying her. “When I told him I-I wasn’t just going to uproot my life and follow him to China, he told me ‘this was your choice’ and then hung up. Those are my other words. They’re bolder now since he said that…” she choked on a sob, “…almost red.”

Lynn frowned as she looked at Cam’s arm. Out of all the things that could have been the last thing Kris would ever say to her, it had to be that. It was like a permanent reminder. It was going to screw everything up for Camilla…at least it would for Lynn if those words were on her arm. She’d never be comfortable with anyone again knowing her soulmate was off the table. This was fucking disastrous.

Lynn didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t just tell her it would be fine because obviously it wouldn’t. She bit her lip and frowned, rattling her brain for something. She drew a blank sheet and found herself wishing she was better at being a good friend.

“Did you try calling him?” Lynn asked her quietly.  

“He wouldn’t pick up and when I just tried again, after I got off the bus, the line was disconnected,” Cam cried as she wrapped her arms around herself. “He really intends to never hear from me again.”

Lynn hoped that was all it was. There was always something darker associated with the idea of the final words being said and that was death. She hoped it was just a barrier they couldn’t overcome and wasn’t something like Cam would end up dead in a few days. Lynn felt uneasy and sick.

Most people never had their Final Words appear because they never met their soulmates. For those people who did, they appeared there and constantly lurked. Lynn was terrified of the other words on her arm at all times; the first time she had heard them, her heart had almost given out. But that was the problem with her Final Words, they were so damn vague. Those words could slip from Luhan’s mouth six thousand times before they meant anything.

She hated the idea of actually having to experience the horror of hearing the final words and knowing that it was so permanent. Meanwhile poor Cam had just done exactly that. Lynn was worried about her but she didn’t know what to say or do.

She frowned and took her phone out of her pants pocket, texting Jae. Camilla needed them both right now. Hell, Camilla needed to get on a plane and go visit her mom or something. She sent a quick message saying something really bad had happened and then stood up.

“Come here,” Lynn said softly, offering her hands for her friend to take.

Camilla looked up at her with teary, puffy, and bloodshot crystal blue eyes and it sent an ache through Lynn’s body. She hated seeing her that way. Cam was the baby. They were supposed to protect her and Lynn felt like a failure.

She took a hold of her hands and used all her strength to help the other girl up. Lynn led her to the bed she had been napping in and helped her get under the covers. When she was settled, she crawled in next to her and held her close, wrapping her arms around her friend’s torso. She laid there next to her, not saying anything as Cam began to cry again, her heart painfully thumping inside her chest.

“I’m here for you,” she said quietly, feeling like those were the only suitable words for the situation. Anything else would be a lie, but especially ‘it’s going to be alright’.

 …

 When Jae got back to the hotel room, she had told Lynn to take a break and to let her talk to Cam. So now Lynn found herself sitting in the lobby of the hotel, not really sure what to do with herself. In one day Luhan had ditched her on a date and Cam had lost her soulmate. She didn’t even know where to begin to process that.

All she knew is that it fucking sucked.

Slowly her mind began to panic. What if Cam couldn’t get out of bed and go to work? What if Cam hurt herself? There were so many possibilities. The Final Words often led to death and Lynn was terrified something bad would happen to Camilla. She just didn’t know what to do to stop it.

Lynn tried to just relax and forget about it for a while. She took the free time she suddenly had to call her dad and ask about what her mom wanted for her birthday. Naturally, he was just as clueless.

Lynn’s father had taught her how to defend herself, instilled in his daughter a sense of pride for her heritage, and taught her to never back down but when it came to her mother he was like a whipped little puppy. Her mom may have been a small lady, but her temper was terrifying and she wasn’t afraid to put people in their places. Lynn and her brothers were smart enough not to cross her, they did their best in school and never dared to leave a mess around the house. Sneaking out had been unheard of and not a single one of them dared to do something stupid with their friends. Even now, at twenty six years old, she didn’t want to piss her off.

“Baby why are you so worried?” he asked her, speaking Spanish.

It felt foreign to her and she realised that it had been awhile she since had tried to have a conversation in her father’s native tongue. Lynn felt kind of bad suddenly; she had been so focused on learning Mandarin that she had kind of been ignoring a part of herself. But then again, she had always been better at understanding Spanish than speaking it back, which was probably one of the most frustrating things that could happen when trying to learn a language.

She sighed deeply and tried to think of a reason that was suitable for her to be so worried. She knew this was all rooted in the fact she would eventually have to tell her mom she met her soulmate but if she was honest with herself, she really didn’t want to. God only knows how her mother would pick that apart. She could imagine it now and it made her feel queasy.

Her mom had always been super judgmental so there was no doubt that questions like “that is the reflection of what your soul wants?” would be asked. Maybe she could think of a reason to stay in Korea and just never leave. She could make excuse after excuse, continuous reasons for why she couldn’t go home. She shook her head, knowing there was absolutely no way in hell that would ever work out.

“I just want to get her something practical is all,” she said quietly in English, her mind too tired to try and figure out how to say it in his language. She ran her hand through her long hair, shaking it out as she sighed.

“Why not get her a new sewing machine? She is always complaining hers broke,” he suggested without much thought.

“Oh, but mama is so picky,” she said as she bit her lip. “I know I’ll end up buying the exact one she doesn’t want.”

“Yeah that probably isn’t a good idea…” he said thoughtfully. “Lynn, do you want to know what would really make your mother happy?”

“What?” she asked, trying not to sound sad; she already knew the answer, she just didn’t want to do that.

“Come home,” he told her gently, “bring Jae with you. That will make your mother happy.”  

“I’ll think about it,” she whispered quietly, knowing that instead she was going to think of a multitude of excuses as to why she couldn’t.

“She’s been worried since you were attacked…”

“You told her? Come on Pa, why?” she asked, her temper flaring.

“Because she is your mother,” he explained simply, ignoring her raised tone. “Think about coming to visit. But for now, get some rest. You sound tired.”

“Okay,” she said with a sigh. She was tired, but she didn’t want to tell him why, so she took the opportunity to close the conversation. “I love you.”

Chapter Twenty-Six:

“I can’t believe you!” Cam shrieked at Lynn, the sheer tone of her voice hurting the other woman’s ears. Lynn sighed and scratched the back of her head, feeling her fingers get caught in knots that had been caused from her activities with Luhan. “Where am I supposed to sleep now?”

“The bed?” Lynn asked with a yawn as she brushed off Cam’s dramatics.

“Ew no,” Cam hissed defensively.

“The sheets have been changed and everything,” Lynn said as she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “It’s not that bad, Jesus.”

“We had a rule, Lynn,” Cam said as she shook her finger her way.

“Hey, I didn’t wake up yesterday thinking I was going to break those rules,” Lynn said as she looked Cam up and down, judgment unhidden.

“To be honest I was expecting Camilla to break them,” Jae said as she looked at her nails from her bed. Cam looked her way, round blue eyes begging Jae to show mercy. The oldest simply smiled wryly to herself, crossing one leg over the other before folding both of her hands together over her thigh. “I don’t share beds.”

Lynn could have sworn she saw Cam stomp her foot lightly, digging it into the carpet beneath her bare toes. Lynn rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she turned towards her suitcase and got clothes out for the day. She wasn’t going to play this game, she was just going to go on like nothing happened or she was sure to die of embarrassment. She had already kicked herself enough over what had happened.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Cam asked her sternly, attempting to sound like a mom inquiring as to where her teenager was sneaking off to.

“We have the day off before we head to the next city,” Lynn told Cam with dull eyes. “I’m going to look around before we leave. I have hardly had the time to do anything.”

Before Cam could huff at her anymore she darted for the bathroom, needing to get out of the line of fire. Her cheeks were hot and she was quick to turn away from the mirror so she didn’t have to see her reflection. Lynn didn’t feel like confronting the fact that her face was burning and she was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. She took in a deep breath and then turned the shower faucet on.

 …

 Lynn chewed on her lip as she looked through the scarves the vendor in front of her was selling. Her mother’s birthday was coming up and she knew she’d have to miss the celebrations back home because Exo was in the midst of their Overdose promotions. Not to mention they’d be launching right into touring after. She concluded she’d have to mail something but everything she looked at seemed so lacklustre.

Nothing seemed good enough. Maybe it was because she had never missed her mom’s birthday before. Even when she was in New York, Lynn had been able to fly down to see her. But it wasn’t like that this time. Maybe she could plan to go and see her once the tour was over and the guys had a break.

She picked up the red scarf she had her eye on the entire time, knowing it was her mom’s favourite colour and admiring the pattern on it. Her mom was such a practical woman though and Lynn had the feeling she would scold her for buying something frivolous, especially since it was something her mom probably would never wear. She let a soft sigh leave her lips and then set it down, making her way further into the market to find something her mom would actually use.

As she walked her phone rang and she picked it up without much thought. Jae’s voice floated through the speaker and she smiled a little as she touched various things with the tips of her fingers while passing different stalls. Her eyes caught a vase and she wondered if her mom would like that, but then she remembered her mom thought it was a waste of money and time to decorate that way.  

“My momma is so picky,” Lynn said quietly, turning away from the vendor. She paused and readjusted the strap of her purse on her shoulder as she brought the phone a little closer to her ear. “So what’s up?”  

“I overheard some stuff today,” Jae told her seriously. “Are you alone?”

“Yeah,” Lynn said as she crossed one arm over her chest and hung onto to the one she was using to hold the phone, “well I am in the market but no one is with me.”

“I found out more about Kris,” Jae spoke up after a little bit of silence. Lynn pulled her brows together and then looked around before making her way to a bench. She ran her hand through her hair as she listened, feeling her stomach drop slightly.

“What is it?” she asked, nerves making the tips of her fingers tingle.

“I overheard the manager and two others talking when I was going to get some ice,” Jae said, her voice floating over the line quietly.

Lynn bit her lip again, disliking her friend’s tone. She could tell just by the way she spoke that something was wrong. She calmly took in a deep breath and then shifted slightly, crossing one leg over the other.

“And?” she asked expectantly, just trying to keep herself from having a full blown panic attack. She could already feel the anxiety tightening her chest uncomfortably while it made her count all the reasons that she could be responsible for something bad happening.

“They’re trying to keep it quiet but he isn’t coming back,” Jae said after a long pause. “He’s leaving the group.”

“What?” Lynn asked with widened eyes as she instinctively looked around, making sure no one was listening. “Please say you’re joking.”

“You know I’m not,” after a moment Lynn heard her sigh. “This isn’t your fault.”

“But I told him to go,” she hissed as she looked around again, almost like she was afraid someone was spying on her. “I told him to go see a doctor he trusted.”

“And you would feel even worse if he had stayed and got really sick,” Jae told her sternly, “do not blame yourself for this; he is a grown adult who is responsible for his own decisions.”

“What about Cam?” Lynn said suddenly as she brushed her bangs behind her ear. Camilla would be distraught, she knew that without thinking much on it. Lynn was more concerned with what stupid action her friend might take.

“She made her choice,” Jae responded quietly. That was always Jae’s answer to the problem and it was because she was so past done spouting the same advice to Cam repeatedly. Lynn chewed on her lip, unsatisfied with the answer. She heard Jae take in a deep breath and she could sense the pep talk coming on. “Look, go on with your day and we can talk more about this when you get back to the hotel.”

Lynn nodded despite knowing Jae couldn’t see her. She looked around once more, feeling eyes on her from every direction. Despite the fact that she logically knew no one was watching her, she considered calling off meeting Luhan for lunch. However, that was exactly what Jae didn’t want her to do.

Lynn dropped her eyes to her low-top converse-clad feet and then took in a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She couldn’t afford to worry about Kris; there were shows coming up that she had to worry about. Jae was right, he had made his choice and there wasn’t anything she could do about it; she didn’t even have a way to contact him. With a sigh, Lynn nodded once more.

“Alright,” she said softly into the phone as she ran her hand through her hair once more. “I’ll be back later. For now, let’s not tell Cam. I think she needs us both there for that.”

“Alright,” Jae agreed. “Watch your back when you’re out by yourself, alright? I don’t want a repeat of what happened before.”

“I don’t think anyone will recognise me here,” Lynn said with a small frown, “but I promise I’ll be careful.”

 …

 Lynn was utterly conscious of the weight of her phone in her pocket, wanting to take it out for the eighteenth time in a row. She knew what time it was and stopped herself from checking again; it was ten after two. Her hands twitched with the anticipation to check the time simply because she had nothing else to do to distract herself. She had been waiting since one and had been fighting the urge to constantly look at her phone for the past forty minutes.

“If he isn’t here by 2:30, I’ll go,” she told herself under her breath, fidgeting with the ends of her sweater sleeves.

Her dark-eyes scanned the restaurant and looked at the door every so often, hoping she’d see Luhan appear there. Lynn had a lot of shitty stuff happen to her in the past but she had never been stood up before and all she could think about was how unpleasant the anxiety she felt was. She had to remind herself that no one was taking time away from their meals to stare at her. The only person who would have noticed was her waiter.

But it didn’t stop her from feeling like every possible set of eyes was fixed on her. She felt like the air was thin around her and breathing was suddenly so difficult that it hurt her chest to try. If she had brought her meds with her, which were stored inside in her apartment’s medicine cabinet, she would have taken them already. She hated feeling so anxious and shaky about something so stupidly insignificant even more so than she hated relying on medication.  

With a sigh she reached for her purse and pulled out enough won to cover the cost of her iced tea and a small tip for the waiter. She fought off the fiery blush that stained her cheeks but knew it came to the surface anyways as she made her escape from the restaurant. When she was finally out of the door, she frowned as she wiped at her eyes, refusing to cry over something so stupid.

Lynn wasn’t even upset that Luhan hadn’t shown up, it was just the fact that she had been in there alone and obviously waiting for someone. It was beyond embarrassing. She felt humiliated.

With a sigh she began to make her way back to the bus stop that she had come from so she could just go back to the hotel. She and Jae had important things to discuss anyways. She thought about texting Luhan again but ignored the impulse because she already had and didn’t want to seem any clingier than she already did.

Lynn waited twenty minutes for the next bus, digging her shoes in the concrete below her feet. There were five others waiting to get on at the same stop and she felt crowded even though they were giving her plenty of space. She just wanted to get back to the hotel so damn badly so she could curl up under the blankets of her bed and hide for at least twenty-four hours.

Thinking of the hotel made her think about what she had done there with Luhan and then her stomach dropped;  it was odd that the very next day he had just decided not to show up to their lunch date. Lynn chewed on her bottom lip and tried very hard to forcefully rid herself of those thoughts, knowing they weren’t true. It was just her anxiety talking. She didn’t think he was that type of person. He had put way too much time and effort into their relationship and they were soulmates so that had to count for something.