#lridiscent

Dear Kangdae, 

I know there are a lot of things you don’t quite understand just yet. But that doesn’t matter, not really. 

All that should matter for you right now is that I love you. You know that, right? I always have and I always will. 

I fell in love with you the day you were born. Maybe even before that. The first time I went to an ultrasound with your umma was probably the day I fell in love with you. But the day you were born and the day I held you for the first time, was the moment I was determined to give it all I have to raise you. 

I hope you know that you mean the world to me, because you do. You have made me a better person, there is no doubt about that. I am who I am today because of you. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. I will always be here for you, no matter what it is. I will always love you, no matter what happens, or what stupid things you will do in the future. Please don’t ever forget that you can always turn to me, with everything. 

You know.. I never thought that I would ever have kids. I never thought I would be a good father. But then you came along and showed me different. 

And now the highlight of my days is coming home to you and your mother, to spend time with you, to learn from and with you and then to tuck you in and to read you a bed-time story. Funny how things can change, huh? 

I never would’ve thought that the most fun I can have would be drawing with a seven year old, to build crooked houses out of lego, or to hide kitchen utensils from Chaerin together with you, whenever she isn’t looking and then sitting snickering at the kitchen table, while she thinks she’s going crazy. 

There are so many things you’ve taught me about myself, that it still amazes me up until this day. There is so much different forms and shapes of freedom and I learned that being behind the wheel isn’t the only way I can feel free. And I’m glad you taught me all of that, because otherwise I would’ve missed out on so much.

You truly are my champion, you know. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Kangdae. And I can’t wait to learn more, to discover more and to watch you grow up into the great man you will be one day. 

Dear Chaerin, 

screw you, because I didn’t even reblog it. 

Dear Chaerin,

I don’t even know where to start. Though to be fair, I don’t think there is a real ‘start’. Stuff just happened and I don’t know how, or when. 

When we were kids, we had some sort of love-hate relationship. Like Tom and Jerry. You loved picking on me and I loved reacting to it. You loved getting me into trouble and I always fell for it, before getting my revenge by getting you into trouble as well. You loved picking fights with other boys, before running behind me and ordering me to beat them up. And I always did, of course. Because no one was allowed to hurt ‘my girl’. 

I wasn’t quite aware of what I was saying back then, but nothing much has changed. Except that now, I want you to be ‘my girl’ in less innocent ways than I meant it back then. 

I don’t know how we did it, but we always somehow stuck together. And by the time you hit the age of 16, my feelings somehow started to change, I just couldn’t quite figure out what it was. 

Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one realizing that you weren’t exactly a little girl anymore. But by the time I finally realized what exactly my feelings meant, it was too late already. You were dating some other guy. A complete moron at that. And I just couldn’t stand to see it. Every time I had to see him, incredible anger started to boil up and for the first time in god knows how many years, contact seemed to fade away. We didn’t talk for days, those days turned into weeks and eventually even a month, or two. 

And even though it drove me crazy, the thought of seeing you with that guy was too nauseating to change anything about it. So I stayed away. 

Until the day that you appeared on my doorstep - pregnant. I didn’t have to think twice about what to do. I took you in without hesitating. It probably wasn’t as chivalrous as you think it was. It was more selfish than anything else. If I took you in and you stayed with me, I could make sure that guy doesn’t come back. You’d be spending time with me again and maybe, eventually, my chance would come. 

Little did I know that things just wouldn’t pan out that way for several years. I had my hands so full with taking care of you and my shop and then later on with Kangdae. There was no time to worry about my love-life, if you will. I was too worried of being able to provide for the both of you properly, too worried about you two doing well. I had to grow up over night and think and act like a responsible adult; and I did. You were still too young to have to do that. I didn’t want that for you. I always wanted to do everything right, for you and later for Kangdae. I wanted to offer you two the best possible life. And I know I wasn’t perfect, I didn’t always do the best job, but I always gave it everything I had. 

But even so, there was always the thought of you leaving one day in the back of my mind and it always drove me crazy. We’ve been basically spending nearly all of our life together and I just can’t imagine my life without you anymore, nor without Kangdae. You two are my family, my world and everything would crash down around me if you were gone. 

So when you said you wanted to ‘practice’ for that one guy you met, I felt like breaking down and crying right then and there. But hey - all I wanted was for you to be happy. So I gave in and agreed. 

But the truth is.. I don’t ever want to see you with anyone else but me. I don’t even want to think of you with anyone else than me. You belong with me. You always have and you always will. There is a reason we’ve been together for long, have gone through so many things together, have fought all the odds and are still here, together somehow. 

There is nothing in this world that I love as much as I love you. You and Kangdae. I want to tell everyone. I want to scream it from the rooftops. 

‘I, Jung Yonghwa, love Lee Chaerin. I love her with all my heart, with everything I am and ever will be. She is the love of my life; my only love. I can’t imagine ever being without her, I can’t imagine having to endure the rest of my life with anyone else, but her. If it’s not her, it’s never going to be anyone else. She is the one I think about every day, every hour, every minute. I don’t ever want to lose her and I don’t ever want her to find anyone else. I want her to look at me the same way I look at her. She is my life, my love, my home. 

Lee Chaerin, I love you, I always have, and I always will.’