#loveyaz

Today felt like a fairytale.

I’ve always been self conscious but you look at me like you’re so confident I am exactly what you want. I had surgery today and you stayed by my side, feeding me ice cream and watching funny movies. I didn’t tell you in the moment but you made all the fear turn into laughter and a sense of safety.

Your arms wrapped around me on my back porch as our laughter filled the air. I couldn’t help but stare at your reflection on the laptop.. completely missing the movie but watching as your eye lit up when you laughed.. you’re beautiful you know? You’re truly perfect in my eyes. Although you don’t like the sharp tooth on your right side.. I love it. And I think god put it there just for 7th grade me who was obsessed with vampires. Your eyes are bold but kind and your arms cuddle me up like you just want to keep me safe inside your rib cage.

Honestly.. I’m in love with you.

Love Yaz

Our love shattering feels like an accident on the side of the highway. A six car pileup with glass everywhere, chaos, and broken people.

In a breakup there’s this notion that there’s one half who left and the one half who got left. I think this doesn’t properly account for the part of me still left at the crash site. The shattered remnants of our love still boxed up on the balcony, frozen in time.

The most important things from my past life now collecting dust.

It’s been 5 months and 10 days since we got married. It feels like you’ve known me forever.

Today my cramps were killing me. You took care of all our meals, the dishes, my meds, making sure I had everything I need.

I kept apologizing for moaning in pain and you were genuinely confused why I was apologizing.

I could feel tears coming on and decided to go take a hot shower. Halfway through I sat on the floor, crying silently, and holding the water to my tummy to ease the pain. I called your name once, you heard me and came in.

“Baby are you okay?”

“Baby this is going to sound weird but I need help washing my hair. I’m in a lot of pain and I can’t move can you please come in?”

There was no hesitation. In moments you had taken off your clothes and sat behind me ready to do whatever I needed. I couldn’t help but look away and smile. You keep giving me moments of pure bliss and love. I couldn’t help but get emotional. You made me laugh but making salon jokes and the heaviness in my chest and the pain in my stomach eased.

Honestly,

My heart feels a little bit like it’s in whiplash. I’m trying to remind myself of my growth but sometimes I feel like that same girl.. the one who allowed herself to cross so many boundaries just to feel “love”. The one who let impulsive anger take away what she was truly trying to say. I wish I listened more. But see then I realize I miss the parts of us that weren’t us the last few years. Before the changes. When boba and music was all that mattered. Sometimes I find myself thinking of how my life has changed and I catch myself smiling at the past and the future.

I have been blessed to know love. Passionate and destructive but still real. And now I am in an era of peace.. of making us breakfast, me cooking and you cleaning, you roll the Js and make me one just the way I like it, we binge watch movies and laugh like idiots. It’s so natural and yet it’s not the same. Not the same inside jokes or the same feelings. Not the same dynamic or same season. So much has changed but I am still me, building new personas and reminding myself I’m free.

He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t make me worry. We haven’t argued or fought.. it’s peaceful.

Sometimes I miss the chaos.. the passion.. the fire.. but then I remember how burned I got and gladly settle back into my surroundings.

My brain is so used to thinking of you, I feel like I’m rewriting circuits to get this right. Questioning every thought and it’s origin.

Love makes us do crazy things but I know better now. I will yell “cut” on our story in my mind.. I already know how it plays out.

It’s my turn to be happy where I am.

Honestly, this valentines was perfect.

We laughed, his gifts were sentimental and so thoughtful, we made breakfast and binge watched and we fell into the silent hum of our routine.

Thank you for not only treating me like a lady, but also as a wife. A priority. A number one. It means more than you know.

I cuddled into your side while we watched a movie but that wasn’t even my favorite part. My favorite part was when I got mad and sat on the bathroom floor, upset with the world and things that didn’t seem fair.

You didn’t yell or scream or get angry.. instead you got down to my level- sat with me- grabbed my face and let me vent it out. You stared at me with kind gentle brown eyes and didn’t make me feel silly for being upset.

You validate my feelings. You love me in a way that feels so right to me.

I thank God for you every single day baby