Love Update:
2 years ago, I wrote about not being able to love, never thought of a future with someone, and surprise! I actually can. 2 years ago, I wrote about being clueless on how I can overcome my past trauma, and news flash, I actually did. Perhaps, because I’m an open-minded adult now and I was happy because the one who caused me pain for the long years finally apologized. I asked for it. I know I should go on and don’t bother it but believe me, I’ve tried and it didn’t work. So now that we are civil with each other and I can still talk to him, I’m in a better state. I needed that.
So how’s my heart now?
Honestly, I’m at lost. The last time, I was clueless, but now, I am at lost. I have these akala ko moments. Akala ko pag mature ka na, committed na kayo sa isa’t isa na magpapakasal. Akala ko pag mahal nyo ang isa’t isa, wala ng problema. Ang dami pa palang issues. Money, family, property, mental health, lifestyle, personality, dreams. Nakakaloka. Hindi ko naman to napagdaanan noon. But having akala ko moments also give me bata ka pa feels. Bata pa ko para mag-asawa o madaliin ang pagpapamilya. Bata pa ko at may oras akong abutin ang sarili kong pangarap. Bata pa ko para mapako sa madaming responsibilidad. Dati, gusto kong mag-asawa pag 27, magkaanak pag 28. Ngayon, wala na kong pakialam. Kapag kasi pinipiit ko yung edad o taon, namamali ako ng interpretasyon sa pahiwatig ng Dyos. Akala ko, yun na yun. Wala ng kawalaan pa. Pero naisip ko, mas okay na maghiwalay kesa mag-asawa na kami, may anak kami tapos mahihirapan na kong magdesisyon para sa sarili ko. Pano pag may magawa akong bagay para sa pagmamahal na hindi ko ginusto tapos magbunga or hindi ko na mababalik yun. Mas lalong nagulo ang buhay ko.
I maybe lost kung kelan, saan o sino yung mamahalin ko, pero naniniwala ako na lahat ng pagkakamali ko sa relasyon ko, kahit maiksi yan, may magandang dulot. Hindi dapat ako laging nagaadjust, hindi dapat ako laging sinisisi, hindi dapat ako lagi naghehandle, kaya Rica, awat na sa immature boys. You’ve had so much of that already. Dun na tayo sa mature, sa patient, sa may security, sa sigurado, at sa long-lasting. I maybe lost, but I am sure na someone will come to whom I can share many many anniversaries with. Di ako papayag na di ko maranasan ang long-term ahhhh. Hindi lang long-term, forever pa!
I know God is preparing me. I’ll wait and see how He works for me. For the meantime, I’ll be a person worthy of that secure love.
Hope to see you in the right time, my future final lover. :)
