#lovers dictionary

Our early relationship was full of so many “almost” moments. 

The times I almost held your hand but convinced myself not to.

The times you almost called me but thought you would be annoying.

The times I almost kissed you because your lips always did look so soft, but what if it was too soon?

That time you almost called me your boyfriend while we were out but tried to cover it with a cough and a little bit of stuttering. 

There were so many “almost”s that I wish we had acted on, so many half done things that I wish we had followed through.

The days leading up to that fight were strange. For the first time since we had started dating, the heat between us noticeably faded. Not too much, we were never cold to one another. No, just enough to know that something was wrong.

It was strange because I wasn't sure how close to you I was allowed to get. I didn't know how much space you needed, how much space I needed. The more distant you became, the more agitated I got. But I was never mean to you, I was never mad at you.

It was like our relationship was on pause somewhere in between constantly wanting to be around each other to not wanting to be in the same room. And maybe it was this constant state of in between that made everything about that fight worse than it should've been.

We never had any secrets. Sometimes it felt like you knew what I was going to say before I even opened my mouth. And, a lot of the time, I couldn't wait to tell you things. There was nothing that we needed to hide.

But suddenly it seems like I can't see you anymore. You've become clouded. And I try to tell myself that it's no big deal but it feels like it. Because I know all of your friends but lately you won't tell me who you're out with. And sometimes when your phone rings, you'll disappear for what seems like forever then reemerge like nothing happened, like you didn't leave in the middle of whatever we were doing.

They say that, after a while, lovers begin to look alike. Physically, you are way more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. But I can see our personalities slowly folding into one. 

Certain hand gestures, exclamations, expressions, even the way you pronounce certain things. I catch myself doing these things, both with and without you, and I laugh every time because I never can remember when exactly I started doing them. 

Your friends and mine have both made fun of us for it and we both jokingly blame the other, tracing habits back to the source even though neither of us can truly remember who started doing it first. Do I say that word funny because of you or do you say it that way because of me? Did you always talk this much with your hands? 

"We need to talk."

I don't think there's anything more terrifying than that sentence. So when I got that text during the weekly board meeting, I almost panicked, the change in my expression causing one of the shareholders to ask if I was okay.

I said yes, but honestly I was nervous. We were doing fine, at least I thought so. We had dinner together with my parents the night before and you had been especially caring lately. We were doing fine, we were happy. Right?

I had more work to do during lunch and I had to wait until after work to see you. I had never had such a long day, my mind coming up with every possible thing you could want to talk about.

Had I forgotten an important date? No...we had already celebrated our 1 year anniversary and your birthday wasn't for another 2 weeks. What then? Were you bored? Was I not doing well enough in bed? Were you seeing someone else?

I started imagining him, the potential "other man" who had taken you away from me, remembering (although, looking back on it now, rather exaggeratedly) how the new intern had been staring at you when he was asking for your advice.

That simple text, that 'we need to talk', sent me down every possible rabbit hole. So you have no idea how silly I felt after work when I was taking you home and you told me that you wanted to move in together.