#lovelo

I'm scared to get my hopes up. To dream about someone or something new. Because I know in a second it can vanish, the rush of endorphins when he texts back as soon as he answers. The way he plays guitar and reminds me of someone I once knew, without the heartbreak. I'm scared that I'll like them all too much and be too afraid to tell them I want to be with them. Too afraid to let them know just how afraid I am of falling in love with the wrong person.

Today I'm not well. I'm not well in any sense. Not mentally, not physically. I feel rejected, I feel ashamed. I feel hurt, I feel unheard. I know it's not my fault, but I still somehow hold a large burden that isn't my own. I'm almost mad that the people who hurt me for so long, don't even know the pain they've caused. How they can walk, and breath and sleep. Having no concern for the words that leave their mouth. I feel empty, like a page with no words. I feel alone like a sky with no clouds. I hold my breathe, just to keep myself from stumbling. From disrupting the slumber of my abusers. I've stayed quiet for so long, that saying any word makes my chest shake. Thinking about how long you had this grip shackled to my tongue. But more than anything I'm not afraid of your abuse anymore. I'm finally free, but I feel lost. I can't sleep. And I feel trapped even though I can run, because just retelling the things you've said, the things you've done...they make me ashamed. They're so disgusting, so disturbing, and it makes me feel hopeless. Today feels the worst. Today I get to speak for the first time in all my life. Because today I'm not speaking on your behalf, or speaking to make you proud, or to hide your true intentions. But I'm speaking for myself, I'm speaking my story, my feelings, my dreams. I guess I feel lost, lost at what to say, how to say it, lost at what I think others will say. How they will react, will they even belive that my words are true. I've been told so many times, that it's impossible for someone so nice, to hurt you so bad. But no one can read a smile. No one can feel it crack or droop. No one can feel it scrap against your lips, as you grit your teeth. So today I'm not doing too well. I'm not doing well at all. Because yesterday I broke the ice. I shattered the plate. I spoke out. I broke down. I told the truth. And I just pray, that no matter how long it takes, I'll eventually stop feeling so alone.