#lovelifewhatever

I'm sorry that everyday you have to wake up in the same body and the same brain that gives you worse decisions and constantly lead your life into a mess. I am sorry that you always get dragged into wrong priorities. I am sorry that everyday your life is hell cause you make it so. I am sorry that your life could be better if you're not bad at making decision. I am sorry that you can't blame anyone for not being able to achieve your goals, your dream uni, your life plan, because you're the one ruined them. I am sorry that you have nothing to look forward to anymore. I am sorry that you will probably not being able to see your loved ones in the near future. I am sorry that probably this year you will stuck in the same circumstances. I am sorry that everything sucks. I am sorry for everything. I hope I can give you positive words but nothing matters anyore.

but.

sometimes i wonder, how do people receive such a great fortune and luck in life while i, instead of not being the one who has the privilege to receive them, being the very least fortunate and lucky if i may say. by the term least, i mean it was very unfortunate and clearly unlucky. 

today, i found out a girl had her chance to pose with my and her bias in such cutie way (they’re making a heart sign together). while me, on the other hand getting the very edge position and not even had any members behind me. life is that cruel and i always wonder why the gap is so so so wide. as much as i avoid to say this, this is unfair. so unfair.

i have always been taught and understand that whatever happens in life it’s what meant to be. it is what God allows. 

but as a human being, can i, in the middle of any other unfortunate events and misery that i’m going through, at least be genuinely happy about something without having to feel weighed or uneasy? can i at least getting the luck and happiness like what others get? can i at least having myself and my bias taking picture side by side because i probably won’t have the energy to support them, not to mention to follow them around and attending all their schedules? can i at least have a good memory to be kept for the sake of the future with my bias? so in case i won’t be supporting him again, i know that i always have something i can keep in mind. eventhough i know like the back of my hand that he won’t remember a thing about me. 

this post probably look so desperate but that’s just how it is. just tell my future self, who i hope her life is a lot better than what i had today, that you used to be in this phase. so in love and so desperate for your bias. and i hope she will only giggle or laughing, because it’s been in the past and she doesn’t need to do this anymore.

A frightening question for a family of course. But don't they questioned it for at least once at some point, do they? As for mine, it's been circulated for several times in the span of 20 years. My family, as ugly as it sounds, is a dysfunctional one if i may say. I just found out quite recent, only few years ago, when I compared mine to others and i was like, "there's something wrong with this family". There's never been a normal communication, and the amount of secrets being kept makes me anxious. Also, i just realized that both my parents were never present emotionally as parents to me. It was as if they're just acting as one, without really functioned so. By the amount of how my mother hurts, and how verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive my father is, I thought maybe separation is better rather than seeing them hurt themselves or even more hurt me and my brother. We always tried to just put it aside but turns out the wounds stack themselves and we're just waiting until they burst like a time bomb. But when the question resurfaces, I realized, I don't think i can cope with that. I am devastated. As bad as they seem, my parents are the only thing that I have. I don't have anyone else but them. And it hurts so much more thinking about that. It's just not about being taken away from your comfort zone, or even financial things. They matter but not what pain me the most. I am afraid of the incompleteness, the void that cannot be filled with money or anything, the loss of someone that not actually gone, only left. I don't know if i can cope with that, not to mention the aftermath of that. I don't know... I've seen plenty of living proof that you can actually survive the disaster of divorce. My ex, dozens of my friends, my cousin, they made it through. They didn't break down, they live happily. They even live better. And i think to myself, "sure i can make it too". But on the second thought, can i really? I know, i know i probably sound like a bad kid for talking bad about my own family but i don't know anyone or anywhere else to talk. I am feeling lonely. I don't know if anyone read this but i am in dire need of your pray. For better or worse, please send your prayer. Thank you in advance.

Hey. How’s everybody doing? It’s been a while and I gotta say that I’ve been missing this platform so much. Too much actually.

Today,  gather you folks my (probably) non-existent followers here to announce that I am.................not having a baby. LOL. Yea, that picture attached above? I just had a sonogram because I’m getting excessive bleeding apart from my menstruation. That sucks. 

So, just like any other health problems that I suffered usually, it derives from two things: stress and lack of exercise.

To my defense, UM WHO ON EARTH HAVE TIME FOR TIME FOR EXERCISING IN THIS FAST PACE WORLD? Everyone but me, probably. I just....of all the things I can give up to make room for my acclaimed packed schedules, it just had to be exercise. I don’t know why I have to be so hesitant about investing my time to exercise. It has been decided unilaterally by me that it’s just not my thing, and yet most of my health issues derived from that. My bad.

The second thing, which didn’t catch me off guard, is the stress. I mean, the majority of my problems are probably derived from that. Well, who wouldn’t with the current situation of my life right now. As much as I want to be grateful and positive, it is a mess. 

I’ve been working at the law firm that i am in currently for a year now. And I can tell you, I am stressed out. It might not the busiest law firm on the block, but it has pressure just as much. And to me, it’s not worth it. Not when you’re just a junior level but being trusted to handle a big project which you or anyone else involved are lack of experiences to that. Not when you handle a project which the counterpart themselves are not cooperative and you are left confused over every single thing. Not when you are given a task, which you have no experience at all, and your work considered a presentable piece and you were blamed when it’s not. I can list down the whole things that went wrong with what I consider as my occupation. I don’t blame the institution for being a newly established firm, everybody has to start somewehere anyway. But the confusing system and the unclear command are what make it seems irrelevant. I am tired. First few months were okay, but after a year it exhausts me. I blame how greedy I was for being employed just because my other friends already did. This is what I always feared of: not enjoying what I am doing. And now it happens. Not all the blames shall be credited to the said firm. My lack of passion in doing my job has also playing the biggest role to that. I am thinking of resigning and even told my mom about that. But the fear of being unemployed has haunted me ever since I decided to do so. But staying there also not the best option. In short, either way I’m screwed.

The family situation is also not really in the best condition. Well, it usually isn’t anyway. My parents are not the people who will got my back immediately before being a judgemntal people. Yes, as much as i am grateful to have them, they’re not the best people to live with. If I bound to some kind of problems, difficulties, or failure in my life, they’re the ones who will put the blame on me instead of asking, “what happened?”. They will be accusing me of a long list of why I encountered problems like, “This is because you missed praying”, “This is because you hang out too much.”, “This is because you are this or that...”. Some are make sense, some are irrelevant. Like today, when the doctor gave me verdict that my bleeding was caused by stress and PROBABLY lack of exercise, you know what my mom said (yes, this is not interrogative sentence). “It’s because you sleep all the time.” How did I sleeping all the time when I work from 8-5 and yes I took time to sleep more on the weekend because I got lack of sleep on weekdays? And for a woman who had experienced a kid with autism sympton, doesn’t she aware that depression leads a person to get more sleep? She doesn’t even questioning on why I feel stressed. Oh, she really doesn’t have to when being in the family itself is the cause of my stress. Not to mention, when  explained to my dad that the probability I always failed to get employed by big companies were due to my personal quality resulted from psychological tests. And he said, “Keep trying!”. Yes, and what if I got fired afterwards? What if they found something wrong with me? WHAT IF I WAS A PSYCHO? Ya Allah...how am i going to resign after this?

I don’t know what phase in my life I am going through right now, but it’s tough man. They said, do not search for happiness. Make one. And I did. But it didn’t last long. Deep down I always know that the only source of happiness is God, but He also capable of turn everything upside down. So I don’t know what to do. When I’m happy, I also afraid it will be taken away. When I’m sad, I work so hard looking for happiness. It’s an endless cycle and it drained me out. 

Well, I feel bad for sharing such negative writing because it spreads negative vibe too. But writing has always been my kind of stress reliever and I couldn’t stop ask myself why did I stop doing so these past year. In addition, with the smaller friends circle and having almost nobody to talk to except Allah SWT, I guess this is a good way to start over again. So, thank you tumblr for always being my space.

so, i just got-- no, i just found a news today. about my long lost 8-years crush. he’s getting married next month. when i found out about that, my heart died a little inside. i don’t know whether it’s because of the fact that he’s getting married or the fact that i am nowhere to equal his plan. 

i am broken heart.

there’s no reason to not being broken-hearted. i’ve devoted my feelings for him for more or less 8 years, and if i may say it’s not just a simple crush i have generated. my old foolish self would believe it was true love and we’ll be together in the end. now that i reminisence how tacky and stupid the concept of me so devoted to him, i can only giggles. there were days when i pray in the middle of the night that i will end up with him and be together until death do us apart, or when i played a scenario inside my head in where we’re finally married, have cute little children and live happily ever after. well, not that i’m losing hope but i’ve given up that wishes like four years ago when my realistic and sober self finally took over and said, “well, this isn’t going anywhere”, and i’ll be happier if that person would be someone that Allah has kept for me. i like surprises anyway. 

so when this news happens, i am a bit relieved.

knowing that it won’t be him giving me hopes on anyone better than him. anyone that Allah has paired me up in the lauhul mahfudz. a partner for life. and a best friend.

speaking of partner for life, well i’m that person who always believe that life is full of surprises. his soon-to-be-wife is a person whom i’ve known for years. she’s not a friend, but she’s a friend of my friends so she’s not practically a stranger to me. same goes with me to her, i suppose? who would’ve thought that she’s going to end up with her? no one, but Allah i’m sure. i was so sure that he’s going to end up with my cousin, despite of my confidence in the past that he’s going to end up with me. the reason was because him and my cousin have been a best friend for like a decade or so. they have vowed to each other if they didn’t find anyone until the expected marriage age, they’ll get married to themselves. and i always believe that he has generated feelings on her because my cousin used to told me that he almost confessed to her. well, maybe this is the reason why he didn’t confess at the time. and i’m so relieve that they don’t end up with each other, because that would be a mess for everytime i see them together it will be a reminder of how foolish and stupid a person can be when they fall in love, including me. 

anyway, in order to congratulate him i’ll type sort of a letter for him. here we go: