"Love For A Child" Breakdown.
Y'know, Jason Mraz had some valid points that spoke to me in his song Love For A Child. I'd like to begin by saying I don't completely understand it verbatim, I'm still a child after all. But I'd like to breakdown some key points in the song to me.
There's a picture on my kitchen wall
Looks like Jesus and His friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
-When you live in a certain environment for a while, things that aren't normal by societal standards become normal to you. In most cases this is fine; may even become known as family traditions, in others not so much. In the lines above, he talks of the picture that is really the Last Supper on his kitchen wall. The picture just looks like Jesus and his friends getting together, which translates to the party he sees in the yard through his child lense. Until I went over a friend's house in 1st grade I honestly believed it was normal for fathers not to live in the home. Families with fathers were only exclusive to movies and TV shows. As I gained more friends and went over their house I saw their fathers. I was utterly confused. Then I concluded it was only a black thing, considering all my black friends didn't have fathers. At such a young age I didn't realize the crappiness of that last statement, it was just a matter-of-fact statement. The first three lines of this song remind me of the standards I believed to be true because of the environment I was raised in. Fatherless homes; parties had sections--no matter the occasions--children and adult time and then they'd separate and the child were suppose to 'mind their business and stay in a child's place'; all girls have been sexually abused at some point in their life; just in general some fucked up shit.
And there's a couple getting steamy in the car, parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?
-Being older I funny myself realizing most of what I seen as a child wasn't suppose to happen. When I was at Soundset with Lucas, Momma Sherri, and Kathy we got on the topic of the first CD's we bought or something. I chimed in with R. Kelly's Chocolate Factory. I relistened to that album. I had no business jammin' to Ignition. But that was my reality. Seeing a couple getting steamy was normal for me. I'm starting to analyze and question everything I've saw in my life. More and more I'm learning that I really shouldn't have saw most things with such young eyes.
And they never checked to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now
-My mom has never been on Parent portal or whatever. She wouldn't even know how to login if you asked her. That being said, she never had to. I have always been an excellent student. There was a point in my life where I did the cliche thing and started to fail at school--I attempted to anyway. I couldn't succeed at failing though. I like seeing people proud of me. My mom basically removed herself from my school life. She calls them in the beginning saying "She ain't one to mess with, I'm the type of parent to pop up any day just to check up on things." Yeah..she never came. She stopped coming to conferences claiming she'd hear the same thing about how great of a student I was and whatnot. This last school year I started struggling in school. Conferences were a must. Nadia came along with my mother. Nadia was able to chime in more than my mother in too many situations. Nadia knew every teacher I had and my relationship with, what were my specific struggles were in each class, etc. My mom knew I was being my excellent student self. She went to the teacher I was struggling with the most and blamed him for my grade. I went home utterly embarrassed. I shouldn't have been so bothered by it. The lines above reminds me that I shouldn't be surprised by my mom actions anymore. I know her better than she knows herself. Same goes for my dad. I wish to keep that in mind as I go to see him (for the first time since I was 6) Saturday. I can't complain about how he acts. It won't be new.
Well, I'm far too old to care about that now
-This is very true, or it should be. I shouldn't care about my dad's absence in my life. I shouldn't care that I got a crappier replacement in Oliver. I shouldn't care that my mom refuses to acknowledge the severity in some parts of our life. I shouldn't care that she doesn't know me. I shouldn't care that I'm going to have to go through simple experiences (like learning that affection is good and should exist and that you don't have to be what everybody's needs when they need it) at such an age-- it should be established. I'm incredibly intelligent and well advanced in some areas but in other I lack desperately. It's rather embarrassing--especially being a girlfriend. The point is I'm far too old to care about most things concerning my parents. They should be non factors by now. (I do realize if Momma Sherri reads this one day she'd be appalled by the amount of times I used the word should)
What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence, I haven't had enough
It's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child
-I always choke up at the first two lines. Innocence is such a touchy subject with me. That's probably why Catcher in the Rye is one of my favorite books. It's such a common theme in American literature. I always wondered why, maybe because the innocence is too commonly taken away in less noble ways. Or the amount of innocence in a person is vital to their personality and character. Innocence is vital to our being as humans. With all that being said, What does that mean for me? I find myself forcing what I think is innocence. Even when I retell things I have to remind myself the difference between what an innocent child saw and what I saw. It's not fucking fair. I just want innocence...that's it. I want it back. But that's impossible to ask for. It's a ridiculous thing to ask for. The killer part is as a child I didn't realize I was losing my innocence. That probably why Mraz said it's so easy to be ignored as a child because you don't even realize it. As a kid, whenever my mom had friends over it became routine for me to go to my room. I wasn't supposed to be around her while she smoked. I didn't think any bad of her, it was another matter-of-fact situation. All I knew was she loved me. Maybe that's all I was suppose to know..
All this is in my mind as the breakfast date with my biological father comes up...wish me luck...
