#lovcrest

Parties are always a struggle for me, particularly “hollywood” parties. I have days where I step back and make sure I don’t put myself in that environment again because I know I will be triggered. But then there are days like today where I feel so strong, I’ve come so far that of course I can handle it. Other people can go to a party and be responsible so why can’t I? I won’t stay long, I just wanted to stop in and support Ryan on his birthday.

I guess something that I haven’t quite grasped yet is that I’m not like other people. I can’t go and place myself in triggering environments because I feel like I’ve been sober long enough to handle it. I guess I forget that I can be triggered and come crashing down fast no matter how far into recovery I am. But of course stupid me doesn’t think of this until I am in the middle of a crowded party having a fucking anxiety attack.

“Demi! I’m so glad to see you, I wasn’t sure you were going to make it!” Ryan grins so wide and warmly like he always does and pulls me into a hug. And I mean a real hug, not one of those quick tap acquaintance hugs. I feel myself begin to relax a little bit, enough to muster up a smile and greet him.

“Happy birthday! Thank you for inviting me!” The happiness fades on his face once he pulls back and sees me.

“Hey, you okay? You’re looking a little pale.” His hazel eyes were filled with worry as I sat there fidgeting.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay, just tired.” I lie but I can’t hide my shaking hands and my sudden shortness of breath as the anxiety pushed at me more. He just furrowed his eyebrows and took my hand immediately, placing his other on my back as he led me through his huge mansion of a house. A part of me felt relieved that I was in Ryan’s hands, I felt safe with him and I trusted him to take care of me. But on the other hand I felt embarrassment because it was as though he was taking care of a kid and deep down I never wanted him to see me as a kid. I’ve always had a crush on Ryan, but I would hate for it to be some schoolgirl crush. I want him to want me. He finally led me to what I presume to be his bedroom, quite a ways away from the party outside; I felt a twinge of guilt taking him away from his own party like this.

“Just sit here, or lay down if you need to, and I’ll get you some water okay?” I nod as I sit on top of his bed. Wow I thought if Ryan were to ever have me on his bed it would be to do something much sexier than this. God, I’m such a mess.

“I-I’m sorry. It’s your birthday, you should be out there having fun. I’ll be okay.” I say as he grabs a water out of the mini-fridge sitting in his room.

“Don’t be silly, I needed a break from it all anyways.” He smiles as I take the water out of his hand before sitting next to me on the bed. God, he is so sweet. Why do I have to be so lame right now? “So talk to me, what’s going on?”

“Just a little bit of anxiety…parties are a little hard for me.” I watch Ryan sit in thought for a few seconds before it finally clicks in his head. As strange as it sounds, I smile. Ever since I came out of rehab a few years ago, people are always looking at me with this look that tells me they already know my story. There is always concern in their eyes, there is always this fear of saying something wrong around me, there is always that struggle to treat me normal. But with Ryan it hasn’t. Aside from some interviews on his radio show, every conversation I’ve had with him has been nothing but normal. He doesn’t see me as the girl who threw up, cut herself and went to rehab, he sees me as Demi with all that shit as a part of any baggage anyone carries. That’s what makes me so comfortable with him.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think of that…” He rubs a hand over his face and now I feel bad for making him feel bad. I scoot over closer to him and rub a hand on his back.

“No, no. It’s not even your fault, don’t worry about it. I should know my limits by now. I just overestimated my strength I guess.” He turns to me and rests a hand on my thigh and I sucked in a breath at his touch, at his hand resting on my bare skin right below the hem of my dress.

“You’re the strongest woman I know, you could never overestimate something such a thing.” Woman. He called me a woman, not a girl. Oh my god, keep it together Demi.

“You’re the sweetest man I know. Thank you.” There was a split second where I thought he would kiss me right then and there. I didn’t miss his eyes glancing at my lips. Instead he removes his hand leans away a bit.

“So, where’s Wilmer? My sources show you have been cozy lately…” He wiggles his eyebrows as he turns into radio Ryan all of a sudden and I can’t help but laugh at him.

“Your sources? Really? I’m sorry I didn’t realize we were on the radio right now.” I chuckled.

“Okay, okay fine. Just between the two of us I am very curious to know how your love life is going.” He laughs along with me as he throws his hands up in defeat playfully.

“Well…if you must know.” I roll my eyes at him. “Wilmer and I decided that we work better as friends.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that.” He says sincerely.

“It’s okay.” I give him a sad smile. Wilmer really is just my best friend and I’m okay with that but of course a part of my wished he was the one so I could just settle already. “What about Julianne? I haven’t seen her around yet…"

“Oh yeah…we called it quits a couple months ago.”

“I’m sorry, Ry…you’re amazing and you’re going to find somebody just as amazing for you.” Without thinking about it, I place my hand over his on my leg and something just clicked. It is like when you try to put two magnets together, there is that tension that wants to pull them together…the anticipation. Then finally you reach that point where it just falls together perfectly and clicks.