#lottielisa

I think what's important to note is while lottie looked after the people at her compound/cult, she was still making them build a reliance on her, under the guise of taking care of them. there are moments in season 2 that seem at first glance like they're disproving this, like lisa saying to nat that she's not forced to do anything, but ultimately, I think nat is right, it's an illusion of freedom. lottie takes away their phones, their money, and their clothes (while this part is more gradual.)

lisa WAS the best she's ever been, mentally, while in the compound. but it did come at a price. It's one of those things where it's fine when you’re in it, but when you're eventually forced out, you practically have nowhere to go. lisa has a strained relationship with her mother, and i think it's pretty obvious that after the events of season 2, that relationship wasn't suddenly healed. lisa's emotional journey may have been her own in some ways, however much you wanna believe that, but it relied on her having a stable environment.

she doesn't resent the cult because her overall experience was bad (sans the season finale) but rather cause it caused her to build a dependence on it. I think she knows, deep down, that it was helping her, she even says it was helping nat! but I don't think she can bring herself to say that because that would mean acknowledging that she is worse off now. that would mean acknowledging that, that thing that she can never get back, that thing that is burned to the ground now, was the best she's ever been.

I mean, after everything that happened, it's much easier to see the cult as a place that damaged her, cause in some ways it really did! but also because, it means that she can't miss it, because really, missing it is no use. it's far easier to close that book and say it ruined her because then, it's just a negative thing to move past. then, it's actually good that she was able to get out; because it was hurting her.

and best of all, especially after lottie's death, she cant allow herself to miss her. so she directs that longing, and that loss she feels, into hatred. lottie, or rather, Charlotte, is not coming back. she's dead.

I'm probably repeating myself a bunch, but the crux of this truly is, no matter how much lottie and her cult or compound or whatever, helped lisa, she can't go back. she physically can't. sure, she could try doing it at home, but without that environment, and without lottie there to tell her just how well she's doing, it's not the same. and especially after seeing her friend, nat die, and most likely also seeing lottie shoved into a van, and oh, she's not some fucking magical healer, is she? she's just like nat said, clinically insane.

so truly, there's no way to even kind of go back to how it was. not now that it's been tainted for her. not after her entire world has fell apart around her, revealing that the beautiful sky, and all the the trees, were just some printed tapestries.

Charlotte, who meant so much to her, was really just sick all along.

I wanna go back to the dependency that lottie built for lisa, and all the other cult members, to have on her. and that thing about the illusion of choice. lisa can leave for as many days as she wants, to wherever she wants, but, she cant sustain it. her mother has practically outcast her, and is very controlling, and she's given her money over to lottie, so she can't just go out and live on her own. which makes just heading back to the cult seem far better. she has food, clothes, a roof over her head, enrichment, and also, lottie. lottie who can give her that gentle shove in the right direction, who can give her purpose. who can make her feel wanted.

but why would any of that matter, when it's gone now? so lisa will instead deny any good that those times brought. so instead she'll say it ruined her life, and it was an awful time for her.

but it did ruin her life, didn't it? because now what does she have to show for it? a shitty, minimum wage job, and a bike that she relies on for everything. (and that 50k, which she probably won't use, because that's also like accepting help from lottie too, right?) it did ruin her life, because now she misses no, regrets, something she will never get back.

things I'm interested in: unhealthy power dynamics, sugar mommy lottie, dubcon, noncon, transfem lisa, grooming, kidnapping, light gore, omegaverse, full fantasy AUs, like, dnd esque with fantasy races and classes, weird woo woo cult shit, tending to wounds, smut, lisalottie.

things I wont write: lisa/nat, lisa shipped with men, scat, feederism, starvation, necrophilia, permanent death (canon doesn't count, though I'd prefer to write lottie alive,) teen timeline, babyfic/kidfic, maggots, eye gore