#lostpens

Worst tagged ever.

If he was into irony, he'd find it funny. He'd find it funny that the one word he would use to describe himself is the exact opposite of what he was meant to do when he was born. He was the "miracle baby" of the Black family. They had been having problems and his father was so convinced that he would fix everything between him and his mother, that Bennett had a kind of "magic" to him. For the first few years, it seemed like it did. Bennett can't remember the fights much from the early days and he's even seen one or two pictures of his parents being happy together.

Of course, it couldn't stay like that. His parents were different people. If they had ever loved each other, it was long gone by the time he was ten. It was constant fighting and bickering and screaming at each other so loud that Bennett could hear through the paper-thin walls. He would stay up late some nights, when the fighting got especially bad, wondering when the magic was supposed to come back. When he was supposed to fix everything again. That's what he was there for, right? Fixing his parents. He wouldn't be here if he couldn't do that.

Except he couldn't. They were going to get divorced. His entire world was shattered enough already. Everything he had known was going to change. And here was the real kicker: neither parent wanted him. Not the mother who had gave birth to him, not the father who was convinced he would save them. He was defective. He was a defective miracle baby who's miracle magic didn't work. It was the only answer he could come up with. Why wouldn't his parents want him? It didn't matter; that he could fix.

He left. One night when they were sleeping, he loaded up his stuff in his backpack and just took off. If either parent ever looked for him, he didn't know. But it didn't matter; he wasn't worth it. He was like a toy that had been amazing and wonderful until it's arm snapped off - he was useless space now. He hated it. He hated that he was broken.

Even eleven years later, at twenty-one, he still knows he's broken. He can see it in the way that Bale looks at him when he bottles something up. But what can he do? He's supposed to fix things; he can't burden the love of his life with his issues. He can deal with them. He's dealt with them. Even if he's broken, he can handle it. He doesn't want to bring Bale into his mess.

Some days are harder than others. Some days he doesn't even want to get out of bed. He just wants to grab Bale and tell him to stay, to not go and do whatever he was going to do for the day and just stay curled up in bed with him because sometimes Ben doesn't want to face how broken he is; that's only rare occasions though. He's usually better at adjusting than that. Still, the thought's there.

Nobody asks him what's wrong, though. Oh, sure, they know he has his bad days, but doesn't everybody? It's just a bad day. They don't know that he's actually broken. They don't know that he's been broken for the past eleven years. Even his ending with Lucy didn't break him; he was already broken long before that. Lucy was just another piece.

The thing about him is that he doesn't feel like enough. He feels like a broken toy sitting on the shelf who wants to be played with and bring joy to the child, but knows that he can't. He wants to do something good, something meaningful. But who would actually want advice from him? Him, who couldn't keep his parents together and can barely hold himself together on bad days? Who would want anything to do with broken magic?

He hides it well, though; he's not even sure Mason or Shay or even Bale notice sometimes. He's good at plastering on a smile even when all he wants to do is rip his hair out and scream. He's good at faking "I'm fines" and "It's okays" and focusing on the people in front of him; asking about them, helping them with their problems. Because, damn it, if he couldn't fix his family and he can't fix himself, he should at least be able to fix everyone else. They don't deserve to be broken like him.

So, if he was into irony, he'd think it was funny -downright hilarious- that the person who always tries to help and fix everything is actually nothing more than a pathetic, defective, "miracle" baby with broken magic.

Oh that's hard. That's really freaking hard.

Aislinn I think has grown up into a very pretty young woman. She's matured and she's just... ugh. She's gorgeous and petite and I'm jealous of her hair and eyes.

Naomi's gorgeous too and just her hair and her overall look. I think she has gorgeous hair and really nice skin and a very pretty smile and she's very pretty in a nonconventional way.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? THIS IS PAYBACK ISN'T IT? I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED IT.

Like Grant is just... ugh. He's so adorable and nice and funny and his voice is so nice and I mean glasses damn and he's tall and just ugh.

But Dylan with his hair and his face and his body and his fingers and his tallness and his everything and holy shit.